May 2012
50 posts
Client: We need you to put a watermark on all of our photos for the website so that no one can steal them.
Me: Okay. I’ll need the original photos in a digital format so I can start placing the watermark on them before I upload them onto the new site.
Client: No, no. Just get online and take the photos from [competitor’s site].
Me: You mean the photos that have their name...
Halfway through an in-depth presentation I was making…
Client: I wish you were wearing nothing but those shoes.
I should mention I was making this presentation to a room full of people.
Client from another century
To be fair, this client is more of an old acquaintance that I’ve more or less adopted. He shows up every couple of years with a new idea he needs help with. The latest is a one page website for his wood sculptures. He does all his email and web browsing at the library and calls from a pay phone.
Client: I noticed down at the bottom where my email address is that when I click it, it launches...
In the middle of an hours-long business meeting with a client to discuss advertising design, she commented on my pregnancy, asked how it was going and then offered to purchase my baby in cash. She said that as soon as her business deal went through, she had planned on finding a pregnant woman who would sell her baby to her.
She told me “this deal is good for millions. I’ll be able to...
Client: Can you send me this logo with no background?
Me: Okay.
Client: You sent me a PNG. Why?
Me: PNGs are transparent.
Client: Then what is this gray and white checkered background? I said no background.
Me: That means it is transparent. It wont show up.
Client: But I can see it.
Me: Scout’s honor, that background will show up transparent. JPGs backgrounds can’t be...
Client Catch 22
Client: So the reason you stopped updating the website is because I didn’t pay you your three months of outstanding maintenance invoices?
Me: I could have also suspended your account, but I kept it running out of courtesy for your business.
Client: But there’s been no work done to the website since two months ago - why should I pay you when you haven’t done anything since I...
Me: According to the contract you signed, I am still owed 2% of the merchandise you sold.
Client: It didn’t add up to much.
Me: How much?
Client: Not much.
Me: I still want it.
Client: We don’t think it’s worth writing the check.
Me: Why don’t you let me be the judge of that?
The following took place outside a rural dentist’s office. The client requested an electric sign that that was a full-color copy of their business card. Four weeks and thousands later…
Client: Wow, that turned out just perfect! My husband is going to be so pleased to see that up when he gets back.
Me: I’m glad you like it, we’re very happy how it all came together.
A crane truck and two...
Client: I have inserted a photo in the powerpoint presentation that you need to resize for a billboard.
Me: That image is not big enough.
Client: I’m not following?
Me: The image needs to be in a high enough resolution to be printed on such formats.
Client: Well, make the resolution high enough.
Me: I can’t do that, it’s impossible. I’ll need you to send the...
“We need someone who sounds Hispanic, but doesn’t have an accent.”
– Client’s description of their ideal voice actor
Client: Please edit the attached 241 page manuscript. Each page is a seperate document - sorry about that.
Each page was also a .jpg
An incredibly low-resolution .jpg
Me: About my pay - it’s been 4 weeks since the due date and I haven’t received any money yet.
Client: What? Why are you wasting my time with this? It isn’t an issue until it’s at least 6 weeks overdue.
“You’re a designer, your brain is different. My customers are normal...”
– Someone with a normal brain.
Client: I think my keyboard is broken.
Me: What makes you think that?
Client: When I login and type my password, whatever key I press shows up as a little black dot.
Me: How do you want your customers to pay for your products on your site? I suggest using PayPal.
Client: What’s PayPal? Can I just have them send cash or write checks and mail it to my address?
Me: We’ll add security to your contact form so that you won’t get spammed. No one likes that.
Client: Actually, I enjoy spam every now and then.
Me: Spam in your inbox?
Client: They can do that!?
The client was thinking of the meat Spam.
Client: Make the logo bigger.
Me: There really isn’t any space.
Client: Make space.
I make the image a bit smaller and the logo 3% larger.
Client: Whoa whoa whoa! No need to make the logo Mario on mushrooms!
I make the image 2% larger than the original.
Client: Now it seems smaller than what we started with! Why don’t you put a bit of thought into this and stop making such...
I was doing publicity for a client.
Me: A reporter from Detroit News wants to interview you tomorrow. What time are you available?
Client: 10am. What station will it be on?
Me: It won’t be on a station - Detroit News is a newspaper.
Client: Okay.
Me: So you’re all set for 10am.
Client: Great. What is the station’s call letters? I like to research the station prior to the...
Client: We won’t be paying. We didn’t use your material.
Me: You didn’t? I saw the brochure today, it is exactly what I designed for you.
Client: No, it isn’t. You sent us a PDF of the document. We did not print the PDF, we took a screen capture of it and pasted it into Word. That’s what we printed.
Me: Regardless of format, I designed it. I delivered what we...
Client: Can you print this for me?
Me: No, it has Elmo on it.
Client: I bought it off Etsy, and she said I could get it printed here.
Me: Elmo is trademarked. I can’t print copyrighted material.
Client: I have permission to print this from the artist on Etsy.
Me: Do they own Elmo’s trademark?
Client: I’m confident they do.
Client: All our sites are down!
Me: Seems fine here.
Client: We pay you to maintain this stuff, not cause more problems!
Me: I didn’t take your sites down. How do you know it’s my fault?
Client: It can’t be our fault! Our internet doesn’t even seem to be working!
“Can you take this black and white page and make a photocopy of it back to color?”
Me: So your username is your employee number, without the “e” and with an extra zero on the end.
Client: Is that a capital zero? Or just the little one?
Me: Just the number, zero.
Client: So upper case?
Client: I’ve tried logging in with the username and password you sent me yesterday. It’s not working and frankly I don’t have time to mess around with passwords.
Me: Send me your username and password and I’ll try it from our end.
Client: Sure my username is Susan1456 and my password is Donkey
Me: OK, I logged in straight away. This is really weird, I can’t think...
“That looks… gay. But it is Austin. Can you put monster trucks on it or...”
Me: You haven’t paid me in awhile, do you think you can write me a check today?
Client: No, I’ve run out of money.
Me: But last week you told me I could invoice you weekly.
Client: Yes, and you can. What’s your point?
Me: It’s been a few weeks. I’m working every day for you and keeping careful track of my hours and submitting an invoice at the end of every week,...
Client: Where is the website for our new program going?
Me: The Internet
Client: Oh, that makes sense.
“I want you to use all the same elements and arrive at the same outcome, but be...”
Client: I hate the website you designed and built for me, it’s not what I wanted.
Me: You approved the design before I built it.
Client: I know I approved it, but where does that imply it’s what I wanted?
Client: [9:52am] Are you well enough to talk?
Me: [9:57am] They are prepping me for my surgery at 10am
Client: [10:02am] Okay. Just wanted to know if you can clean up a few of these pictures or if we have to go back to the photographer? This is kind of urgent, so let me know ASAP.
“Somewhere between minimal and bold? Hope that helps.”
“I want to logo to invoke intense feelings, like how I felt when my dad died.”
Me: Shall I save the drawing as a PDF so it’s ready to be attached to an email?
Client: No. Just print it out and scan it.
“Please send this to us by postal method. We do not communicate...”
– Hand-written letter
A client was having issues with a site I designed a few years back.
Client: I thought it you would cover it with a lifetime warranty.
Me: No, our contract stipulates a two year warranty.
Client: What’s the difference?
Client tells me about multiple problems she’s having with her website.
Me: I recommend you to send me an e-mail.
Client: Like… uh… an empty e-mail?
Me: No, one that outlines all these problems so I can fix them for you.
Client: What makes you think I have time to figure out what my problems are?
Me: What makes you think I do?
“Can you make the Facebook button display more likes? We want it to look like...”
A big thanks to the Freelancers Union for sponsoring over a week of extra posts. Check out the Tumblr for the World’s Largest Invoice, follow Sara Horowitz on Twitter, and remember to #getpaidnotplayed.
I accidentally sent my client two identical attachments.
From: Client
We’re going with the top ad, please lighten the photo (same as the one below) and email only the top ad to ASAP. I’m leaving to an offsite, I will follow-up this afternoon, thanks! To: Client From: Client’s Partner Definitely the top one, slogan really stands out. Only concern is photo in bottom one is lighter and...
“Why does he look so angry? Can you make him look passive aggressive instead?”
– Referring to a 3D rendering of a bull
“I’m just in charge of the project and coordinating with contractors....”
– #getpaidnotplayed.
“I don’t think our system can cope with HTML, could you send the link to us...”
Client: I can’t open your document…
Me: Do you have Adobe Reader? You need it to read PDF documents.
Client: PDF…? How do you spell that?
#getpaidnotplayed
Client: Just wanted to tell you again we loved your work - the cupcake marketing plan is brilliant. We don’t know how to thank you.
Me: I’m so glad. No thanks necessary – I’ll settle for the project fee we agreed on.
Client: Oh no, I’m afraid we don’t really have the money for that. Is there some other way we can repay you? Free cupcakes for life?
Me: I’m diabetic.
There’s nothing sweet about...
Me: I have that sample of the linen paper you wanted. Do you want to come by and pick it up or should I mail it to you?
Client: Just fax it to me.
I had to explain to the client why I couldn’t fax a textile sample.
Client: We need this done right now.
Me: So does that mean you’re sending the assets and copy changes I need to make the changes right now?
Client: No!
Me: So should I wait until you do?
Client: No, I need this pamphlet finished right now.
Me: So there aren’t copy changes and new images to include?
Client: There are…
Me: But you’re not sending those right now?
...
Client: I like your work so far, but the picture of my product should be bigger.
Me: But it’s already taking up most of the space and the text is being squeezed in a tiny space.
Client: Who cares about text? Nobody reads the text, the picture is the important part. Make it twice as wide and twice as high.
Me: That’s not possible. The picture would be about 30” wide and this...
#getpaidnotplayed
Me: So I resent you that invoice from a few months ago, with the additional stuff you asked for: detailed line items, the contract reference number, and a copy of my driver’s license. Will I be seeing a check soon?
Client: I think you formatted it weird, and accounting gets really pissed about that. Did you send it as a PDF? They hate that. They might have thrown it out.
Me: This seems like...
“I am not capable of grammatical errors. Any “typo” reflects my...”