May 2013
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Client: I don’t know… I don’t like the blue and white together.
Me: What’s the problem with the colors?
Client: It looks Argentinean
Me: So?
Client: And the new pope its Argentinean and we are not a religious firm. So, please, change all the colors.
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I was working as a producer for a client who brought in a pool of actors they wanted to use in an upcoming production.
Me: I noticed you have some Asian talent in your headshots you sent us. Do you know what ethnicity they are?
Client: I think this one is Japanese, this one - I think - is Cambodian, and this girl may be Korean.
Me: Do any of them speak their native language?
Client: I think they...
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“What’s with this invoice? When it comes down to it, all you did was deal with...”
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Me: Did you want it printed in CMYK or RGB?
Client: Let’s do RGB, we’re trying to save money.
Me: Trying to save money?
Client: Yeah, three colours should do it. No need to spring for a fourth.
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“The sign needs to be a vertical oval, not a horizontal oval like the one you...”
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“Inform the Googles we’re launching!”
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Me: Just a heads up, if you log onto our website, you can see that the site is down. My publisher has been unreliable and I am working as quickly as I can to get the site back up. I’m so sorry for this; I’ll let you know when the article is posted as soon as possible.
Client: Okay. What’s the website again? Sorry.
I give him the URL.
Client: Hey, it says the page is broken!
Me: I just...
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“Make the words fly!”
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“How does someone right-handed left click?”
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Client: The site isn’t working right.
Me: That’s strange.
I download a page and take a look at the code.
Me: It looks like a bunch of the code is missing. Did you have anyone modify the site?
Client: No, nothing like that.
Me: Well there are entire chunks of code missing that was there yesterday.
Client: Oh yeah, that was me, some of the code seemed unnecessary. Back to the issue at hand, why...
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“Dear God, take down the site! Take it down! Hackers can sweep right in, right...”
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Our company works with thousands of vendors worldwide on time-tracking - the following request came in from one that has been using the system for about eight months.
The clock in and clock out shows in military time. The difference between the in/out is calculated in time based on 60 minutes per hour. We invoice our time using hours and minutes in military time, which, as I’m sure you...
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“The ‘Paste from Word’ button doesn’t work. Do I need to copy...”
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“I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but we’re paying you...”
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Client: I need a quote, just base it on xxxxx.com
Me: Sorry, I need a spec to quote the work.
Client: It’s just like the other one.”
Me: Okay, so build a spec based on that and submit it.
Client: I need a price.
Me: I need a spec.
Client: Okay, you obviously don’t feel comfortable pricing it.
Me: Not without a spec, no.
Client: Oh, is that all?
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“I am best friends with NASA and they looked at your code and said that it is...”
– Throughout the project, he did the same thing with Reuters, ABC, and Fox News. These were all his friends.
Also, there were no frames in the code.
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One of my clients is a “fashion designer/interior decorator/restaurant owner” who, at first, wanted me to create a job description which would fit all of the above “in one word”.
After deciding that it simply couldn’t be done, we proceed to the real work. While making the website visual prototype…
Client: I have a simple but groundbreaking idea. I don’t...
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“I aint’ paying that, I can get Pakis to do it.”
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I was asked to do a “very simple” and “very small” project for a roofing company - they needed a presentation folder. The project was given to me on a Wednesday evening at around 7 PM. I was told to have it done by Thursday afternoon.
I received a call at around midnight on Wednesday
Client: Where’s the project? We’re running late.
Me: It’s not even...
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“Can we change the print layout of the web page? We feel that, if someone printed...”
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Did a logo design for a client, and after it was approved, he asked for some letterhead concepts. I emailed him a few with Greek text for the address and phone.
Client: Where are we on the letterhead?
Me: I sent you the concepts, but I need an address and phone number to get the final drafts done. Did you sign a lease for that stuff yet?
Client: Still deciding, but I want to get the letterhead...
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“The spinner does not animate. See screenshot.png”
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Me: Okay what colors would you like?
Client: Rainbow.
Me: Nothing specific or…?
Client: Yeah, pretty much every color except red. Red isn’t very easy on the eyes.
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“…I’ll even pay you.”
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Client: I have a potential gig for you.
Me: Great, what is it?
Client: I have a customer who is using [equipment brand I specialize in] and he needs some new programming. Can you let me know about how much you’d charge?
Me: Sure, get me drawings of their system or a list of the equipment they’re using and let me know what kind of content they are looking for and I’ll get you a...
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“We don’t like the picture of the guy wearing the tie because it looks like...”
– A client who rejected each and every tie picture afterwards for the same reason. It was for a tie advertisement.
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After the client asked specifically for cool colors…
Client: Can you put some cool reds in there?
Me: Red is usually considered very warm.
Me: Any colour can be cool, with the right attitude.
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Me: I still have not received the deposit for your event tonight.
Client: Oh, I’ll get that to you next week.
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I was asked to design some branding for a gambling lounge.
Client: We want it to have a strong Asian theme. Gold and dark red gradients. Dragons. I’s going to be called the Dragon Lounge.
Later…
Me: Here is your identity and poster, let me know what your thoughts are and if there’s anything else I can do.
Client: It’s a bit oriental, don’t you think?...
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The savage client hypocrisy
A customer wanted us to stay open an extra hour so he could pick up his business cards. I offered to ship them to his office overnight, but he refused.
Client: You know, it’s inconsiderate to be closed at 5pm. Some people just can’t fit that around their schedules… (his speech was inaudible due to some loud, bassy noises)
Me: I’m sorry, you’re not coming in clearly....
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“What is this on my site!? I’m based in England, not Latvia. Get this...”
– The best Lorem Ipsum quote we’ve ever received.
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Meet one of the clients from the town in Footloose
I make a living as a musician, but I supplement my (inconsistent) freelancing by working on-call at a place that offers group piano and pre-piano lessons, primarily with children around Kindergarten age.
The mother of one of the kids in my class pulled aside my boss within earshot of me.
Client: I don’t like the new teacher. He’s just too tall to be dealing with kids.
She leaned in...
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Client: I watched the instructional video you prepared and I am able to add and publish a post. How do I get the new post to appear on the navigation menu?
Me: You watched the video from beginning to end?
Client: Yes.
Me: Okay, scroll to 6:30 on it.
Client: Okay.
Me: The title should read How to Make a New Post Appear
Client: Right.
Me: Now finish watching the video.
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“I need a sexier, hipper grey.”
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I'm no expert, but you should trust my expertise...
Client: I don’t understand why I’m being charged 10 hours for this, it seems like it should take about 1 or 2 hours, TOPS.
Me: Well, it may seem that way, but it was quite involved. The good news is it is set up now and you can manage it with the front end and you will never need to set it up again.
Client: I took a web design class once. I’m positive this would only take me 1...
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Lookie here, a client who feels entitled
Client: I registered blaketheelevatorgriffin.com. I need to sell this thing and make some money.
Me: Have you heard from anyone expressing interest in making a purchase?
Client: Nah. But I did a Google search for Blake The Elevator Griffin and got over 30 million hits. I feel like I’m entitled to at least a dollar a hit.
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I was doing some social media and web design work for a client I knew personally. The password suddenly changed on the web hosting and company email. Then I couldn’t log in to the Facebook page.
Me: Hey, did you take me off the Facebook page as an admin?
Client: Yes.
Me: Why is that?
No response came and a few hours later, I was kicked off of twitter as I was doing some work. Apparently the...
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“My hands look sort of ashy in that picture. Can’t you just put on a lotion...”
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Client: Should I send the logo as jpg or jpeg?
Me: Send it wtf.
Client: What’s that?
Me: I’m joking with you, send it as a png.
Client: Nice try, but I’m not that stupid.
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Client: I don’t like this leprechaun, he’s too scary. He should look less like a fictional character and more like the people that use our product.
Less than 10 minutes later…
Client: Do fairies have acorns for hats? That seems a little far-fetched. And this one has different wings, why are they different? Seems like sort of a queer fairy.
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Shortly after a client viewed the brief, agreed to the Scope of Work, signed a contract, and paid a non-refundable deposit, the following phone call took place:
Client: Would it be breaking the law if we just called off this whole contract business and you did the work for me on the side? I would still pay you.
Me: Well… you already signed the contract and paid us a non-refundable deposit....
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“I think it’s perfect, but I don’t know if its musicy enough.”
– Client reply after receiving a sketch for a poster of his album release show.
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Me: So what direction from the mood-boards would you like to pursue? I can have a few rough drafts ready by the end of tomorrow.
Client: We think this will work best if you just dive in, focus, and make it your own. Just produce us a WIN. Can you have it ready by 7pm?
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Our client has a CMS, but can’t add an HTML table. His viable solution was to send its source code for it to us. In a Word document.
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“No pressure but this will be needed ASAP.”
April 2013
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I’m working with a client that is holding an arts and writing competition for kids to write about the Holocaust. This year’s theme is about the 1936 Berlin Olympics, which were the last games before WWII and were referred to as the Nazi Games. For the formal invite to the awards ceremony, the client wanted to use an image that they thought was the medal that was given out at the...
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I’m a web developer/programmer, and I’m working with a web/print designer. During discussions of a website in development…
Me: For reference, to help you figure out what height to specify, the height of the Home page slide show (right hand) column, from top line to bottom line is 631px. On the Portfolio Page it is slightly taller at 689px.
Client: I am not going to deal with...
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At the last phase of a brand identity project, which included a logo and business cards, I sent the final proofs as the (contractually stipulated) deliverables…
Client: This is perfect! Where do I pay?
Me: Great! I’ll send you a PayPal link.
The client pays and I send the deliverables. A few hours pass…
Client: I need the full color version of the logo in .psd.
Me: The proposal...
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“I assume people don’t put ‘www’ before an email address anymore do they?”
