Whilst making a single screen ‘billboard’ at the beginning of a TV program:

Client: Can you make the logos bigger? They need to be bigger.

Me: They’re right at the edge of title safe right now, so we cant go much bigger.

Client: Yes but they need to take up a quarter of the screen each.

Me: A quarter of the screen each?

Client: Yes, everybody paid for their logos to be a quarter of the size of the screen, so they have to be a quarter of the size of the screen.

Me: Firstly, that would make them outside title safe, which means it will be rejected by the station. Secondly, there are six logos. 

Me: Did you want the font in cursive or something more simple?

Client: I want it in English.

Me: English is a language - cursive is a type of font we use. Did you want it to be fancy, or simple?

Client: No! In English!

Me: English it is then. 

A client kept trying to send me a higher resolution photo, but I kept getting the same size e-mailed to me. 

Client: I don’t get it! I click the % to enlarge the picture in Photo Viewer before I send it. 

I asked a client to send me either a PDF or a picture of her website idea. She sent me a PDF, containing a picture of another PDF. 

After sending two invoices for payment, I sent another and called the client when the receipt that they had received it came back. 

Client: Why are you calling me? 

Me: You haven’t paid and this is the third invoice I’ve sent. 

Client: It’s even more than the last one!

Me: Yes. The contract you signed stated that I would add a late fee for payment. 

Client: You mean I have to actually pay you? I thought you were joking!

Me: What on earth made you think that? 

Client: You’re a freelancer!

Me: And…

Client: Well, you work for free! If you were supposed to be paid, you’d be called a paidlancer or something!