Clients from Hell

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September 16, 2014

We are an app development company.

Client: I cannot get the app build to work - it keeps asking me for a pin code.

Me: Shouldn’t be. Can you send a screenshot?

Client sends a screenshot of his iPhone lock screen asking to input his password.

I had just gone into labour (to have a baby) when a regular client called with some last-minute and typically urgent editing he needed done. It was 10pm on a Friday night.

I explained that I was in labour and that we would be heading to the hospital.

Client: But I heard labour can take anywhere from 10-14 hours, so you should have enough time to do this edit quickly. Please?

September 15, 2014

Client: Please use the attached file as the logo in my website header.

The file was a crooked cellphone photo of a computer screen where the client had typed the name of their company in Comic Sans using the Vistaprint design-your-own-card function.

A new client was referred to us. She set an appointment to have her website evaluated and to set up a marketing strategy.

She came in and I began the full website evaluation. With every tip or suggestion I made, she would literally sink further down her chair and sigh with total frustration.

Me: Your website actually looks great, but I do see that there are some elements that could be changed to help Google rank you better.

Client: Ugh… why didn’t the last four web design companies that I hired do all of this?

Me: They’ve coded you a very nice custom site, but they may not have known what your goal was. What would you like your website to actually do for you?

Client: I want more traffic, more conversions, more subscribers to my podcasts, more sells, and more interaction on the blog comments. And I need it happening NOW! I’ve been at this for 8 years.

Me: That is a long time, but we’ve only just met, so you’ll have to have some realistic time frames in mind if we start to help you.

Client: Well when I call you and start to scream and cry-yelling at you, I give you permission to tell me that you have to go before you hang up on me.

Me: Thanks for the warning. I don’t think we’re a good fit for you.

September 14, 2014
"My wife thinks the grey could use more colour. I want to keep it grey. Any ideas?"

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image

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When I asked the client for the login information on their network, they provided me with a username and the password “unique.”

This wasn’t the first time I’d worked for them, and each time, I would receive a different set of login credentials. However, the password was always the same.

This was when I realized what had happened. Someone must have insisted that the passwords on the servers were unique. And one of the network guys took it as a literal order and changed all the passwords to “unique”.

September 13, 2014
"I didn’t feel like reading the help document you sent me, so I figured I would call and have you walk me through it."

Client: I am not sure I like it. 

Me: What do you not like about it? 

Client: I don’t know. 

Me: Do you feel it reflects the script you wrote? 

Client: Yes, it is exactly like the script.

Me: So what is the problem? 

Client: I don’t like the script anymore.

September 12, 2014

I was booked to make a website for a client. For three months, he repeatedly asked me how fast I can do it. I always replied:

Me: It takes about three weeks, but you must sign the contract first.

After three months, he sent an email:

Client: Ok, start now.

So I started, but reminded him about the contract. A week later, he complained:

Client: You told me you could be done by that date, but I still don’t see a website anywhere. I won´t pay you anything, and I will sue you for the delay.

Currently, I am suing him.