Clients from Hell

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May 21, 2012

The following took place outside a rural dentist’s office. The client requested an electric sign that that was a full-color copy of their business card. Four weeks and thousands later…

Client: Wow, that turned out just perfect! My husband is going to be so pleased to see that up when he gets back.

Me: I’m glad you like it, we’re very happy how it all came together.

A crane truck and two installers hoisted the sign in the air, attached it to the 16′ pole and turned the lighting on.

Client: Oh wait, that’s not right, you need to take it down now, I don’t believe this! I want our money back!

Me: What’s wrong?

Client: Well look at it, can’t you tell? It’s not right, it’s not the same as our card.

Me: Now ma’am, both you and your husband approved the design, you signed off on the comps, the shop drawings, the contracts and all the permits. We just can’t be expected to–

Client: Any fool can see that these do not look the same! Oh, my husband is going to be so mad with you people!

Me: But why? We worked closely with you on every step of the approval process, they are identical in every way.

Client: Just look at this and you can see how different they are!

She holds the business card up at arm’s length and closes one eye.

Client: Look! Look! The sign, it’s just so much…bigger!

Client: I have inserted a photo in the powerpoint presentation that you need to resize for a billboard.

Me: That image is not big enough. 

Client: I’m not following?

Me: The image needs to be in a high enough resolution to be printed on such formats. 

Client: Well, make the resolution high enough.

Me: I can’t do that, it’s impossible. I’ll need you to send the original.

Client: What am I paying you for, exactly?

Me: My expertise in design and image editing. 

Client: Well, this seems pretty basic to me. 

Me: Me too. 

May 20, 2012
"We need someone who sounds Hispanic, but doesn’t have an accent."

— Client’s description of their ideal voice actor

May 18, 2012

Client: Please edit the attached 241 page manuscript. Each page is a seperate document - sorry about that.

Each page was also a .jpg

An incredibly low-resolution .jpg

May 17, 2012

Me: About my pay - it’s been 4 weeks since the due date and I haven’t received any money yet.

Client: What? Why are you wasting my time with this? It isn’t an issue until it’s at least 6 weeks overdue.

"You’re a designer, your brain is different. My customers are normal people. Do you need me to talk slowly until you understand that?"

— Someone with a normal brain. 

May 16, 2012

Client: I think my keyboard is broken.

Me: What makes you think that?

Client: When I login and type my password, whatever key I press shows up as a little black dot.

Me: How do you want your customers to pay for your products on your site?  I suggest using PayPal.

Client: What’s PayPal? Can I just have them send cash or write checks and mail it to my address?

May 15, 2012

Me: We’ll add security to your contact form so that you won’t get spammed. No one likes that.

Client: Actually, I enjoy spam every now and then. 

Me: Spam in your inbox? 

Client: They can do that!?

The client was thinking of the meat Spam.