Clients From Hell

2010-09-03

I want it to say in big red letters: ‘Come here! It’s hip!’. You know, so the young people will come.

2010-09-02

I don’t care if the text doesn’t make sense, it looks symmetrical now.

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Client: “I received your quote. Would you like to know what I think of it?

Me: “Yes?”

Client: (Places both hands around his throat, sticks out his tung, rolls his eyes and starts making loud, guttural choking noises)

2010-09-01

Please erase all other google search results showing our competitors websites immediately. If you cannot do this, we’ll be forced to take legal action against you.

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Really, I’m not.

My client wanted me to meet with his boss and asked me to ride with him. I agreed and got into the passenger seat of his car where I immediately noticed part of a girl’s weave on the floor.

Me: “What’s the hair on your floor from?”

Client: “Oh that’s just pet hair. Some dog or something must have left it behind.”

Me: “(Slight confused pause, knowing I should not press the matter but too curious to not continue) This is definitely human hair. I can see the end of the weave.”

Client: “Oh, well, um, no. I think it’s probably dog hair. It must be dog hair. (Long pause) Maybe it’s hair, I don’t know. It’s not like I’m a murderer or anything. Don’t go snooping for fingernails or anything like that. (Awkward laugh)”

Me: “(Long pause with probably a somewhat quizzical look on my face) Yea.. I wasn’t thinking that at—”

Client: “And I’m not a cross-dresser or anything like that. I’m not gay. (Long pause) Can we not talk about this anymore? I’d like to just act like this conversation didn’t happen.”

Me: “Yea, that’s perfectly fine.”

Client: “I’m really not gay.”

(Nothing was then said for the rest of the 25 minute car ride.)

2010-08-31

No questions asked

I can’t pay for this right now, but I have about a dozen old computers in my garage. I’ll tell you what: If you design this for me, I’ll give you an hour alone in there with no questions asked.

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Client: “I am having a problem closing my cup holder on my computer. Can you help me?”

Me: “Your computer does not have a cup holder, are you talking about your CD-ROM drive?”

Client: “Oh is that what its for?”

2010-08-30

“I don’t want any sound on the commercial, the text needs to be smaller, and the logo is up for too long. I want this commercial to be like an Easter egg hunt. I want people to have to look for information and search for the logo.”

[A few months later we were making a “Going Out of Business” commercial.]

2010-08-28

Unfortunately we do not like any of your logos so we will stop working with. That also means we cannot pay you. We posted the job on designcrowd.com now and are sending you the link in case you want to participate in the contest.

2010-08-27

You mean every time you do work for us, you charge us?