Clients from Hell

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September 30, 2014

Email from client: Spelling error on the logo… Center is the correct spelling.

Manager, Cultural Centre

(It should  be noted it’s spelled centre on the building and in the client’s own email signature. This happened in Canada, where we usually use the British spelling.)

I created a simple web banner for a client and sent it off a .jpg via email for approval.

The client printed out the .jpg, took that paper and put it in a typewriter. Yes, an honest-to-goodness typewriter, and penned a short approval note and a query of “when would this be printed?”

The client then scanned the paper with the printed .jpg and typed note before they emailed me back a PDF as an attachment to an email that just stated, “Please see attached.”

September 29, 2014
Another one via Jesse

Another one via Jesse

Me: Just to remind you that, as we discussed, I’m sending my invoice a couple of days early because I’m going away on holiday. It still has the same deadline though - I’m just getting all my admin sorted before I go.

Client: What you really mean is that you need spending money for your holiday?

Me: No, not at all. I’m just getting everything sorted before I leave. The invoice isn’t due until a couple of days after I get back.

Client: It’s okay. You don’t need to get defensive. I’ll pay your invoice this afternoon, as long as you tell your kids that Uncle Client is the one paying for their ice creams.

Me: I think I’ll tell them that mummy is paying for their ice creams by providing a copywriting service that people pay for.

Client: Ha! Yes, you tell them that if it makes you feel better.

September 28, 2014

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Client: There’s a problem with your invoice.

Me: Oh? What’s the problem?

Client: Well, I can’t actually pay it. You see, the thing is that I knew I didn’t have the money when I got you to do the job but - and I might not have mentioned this - I’m a big believer in the Laws of Attraction. So, anyway, I told the universe that I needed to manifest the money to pay you, but it turns out the universe wasn’t listening. Don’t worry, I’m going to work really hard on manifesting when I get back. I’ll pay you as soon as I can.

Me: Back from where?

Client: From holiday! Did I not tell you? It’s so exciting - my husband and I are going to a resort for three weeks. The universe decided we need a break.

September 27, 2014

I designed some coins for a client who specified Pantone Orange 021 enamel around the edge. I advised them not to use orange enamel on a gold plated coin. They were difficult throughout the entire process and insisted in orange. After receiving the coins, the client wanted them remade because the shade of orange was incorrect. (It wasn’t)

After sending client the email where he asked for that shade (plus a scan of the Pantone swatch next to the coin), I asked:

Me: What shade of orange did you want to change it to?

Client: Purple.

I handed in an estimate for a very bureaucratic client. I had never worked with them before. 

Client: Everything looks fine and we would like to work with you - under one condition. Could you please remove the line about the corrections?

Me: The two corrections per (predefined) project-stage?

Client: Yes, we don’t feel comfortable with limiting the amount of corrections.

Me: No problem, this will not be a fixed estimate then. I’ll change it to the hourly rate and keep you informed of my time spent on the project.

Client: No, we don’t like that. As a professional you should know exactly how many hours you will be working on this.

Me: So, fixed time, with unlimited corrections that could take an unknown amount of time.

Client: Yes.

September 26, 2014

A friend of mine got married some weeks ago. My wedding gift as a professional photographer was to take the wedding pictures. Everything went really well. The pictures turned out great and everybody was happy.

They showed the pictures to some friends that were going to marry next month. The soon-to-be bride called me and asked whether I could take the pictures for their wedding, too. For a six hour shoot, she offered me free cake and drinks. When I politely declined and told her I usually only do professional work for money, she decided to call my friends and tell them what a greedy b**ch I am.

After making a simple MS Word newsletter template for a client (who is the head of a large company)…

Client: Can you remove the red lines under the text? I don’t think it looks very good with the design.

Me: I don’t see any red lines.

Client: It only happens when I start working on the document.

Me: You mean the incorrect spelling underlines?

The template uses lorem ipsum, so EVERYTHING is underlined.