Clients from Hell

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October 20, 2014

I was making gift cards for a client’s small fundraiser. I made a gift card and emailed it to her; no problem. She replies back saying thanks.

Ten minutes later, I get a call.

Client: Hi, you know I have to print out three gift cards, but you only sent me one.

Me: It’s just the image. You just print out multiple copies.

Client: But there’s only one gift card. I need three of them.

Me: Since the gift cards are all the same, you can just print it out three times.

Client: But I only have ONE gift card. I need THREE of them!

At this point, I just gave up and emailed her again. This time, I reattached the same file (with slightly different names) three times.

She replied to thank me for churning out two more cards so quickly. 

I had an elderly customer who often commissioned me for the creation of legal forms for his business. He was tired of having to print out paper documents and hand write everything, especially because he had terrible penmanship. I agreed to the work, but was leery of it, because this man hardly knew how to use his PC to access email, let alone download, edit, save and print digital forms.

One day, I got a call from him regarding the most recent file we’d created. I had sent it to his email with instructions on how to download the attachment, save it and use it for his business — none of which he read, apparently.

Me: Can you tell me what’s showing up on your screen right now?

Client: It’s my document.

Me:  Err, okay, but I need to know if there are any error messages, if anything looks strange, if anything’s missing from the document… 

Client: I don’t know! It’s my document and I can’t edit it, and my tech guy says you can’t edit PDF files!

After some time troubleshooting the problem, I figure out that he’s ignored the instructions I gave him and clicked “preview document” in his email instead.

I told him that I’m going to give him some instructions over the phone to solve the issue, and if he follows them, the problem will be solved in no time. He agreed, and I started from downloading the attachment, all the way to saving a copy of the downloaded document with a test file name so that he could learn how to do this for future reference.

We spent a good half hour talking, going back over things the client didn’t understand, until…

Me: Okay, so — did you see how that saved two versions of the same document on your desktop?

Client: No.

Me: No?

Client: I didn’t do any of the stuff you said! None of it was telling me how to fix my document! Just tell me how to fix it!

October 19, 2014

[DEAL] Need to make it more ‘elegant?’ This font is for you.

For a few hours more, the Gioviale Script Font is over half-off at a mere $15. This gorgeous script font includes 300 swashes, more than 1,000 glyphs, 20 ornaments, 20 discretionary ligatures and a bunch of other words I don’t really understand!

The handcrafted font is a good balance between a heavily formal font and a more playful one. There are a bundle of projects it will work with.

Check out the deal here. 

I created a PDF of some gift tags for a client. They were arranged in portrait orientation so they would print on an 8.5” x 11” page like a regular document. I sent them to her, she said they were perfect, and I forgot about the transaction.

A few weeks later, she writes to me in a panic.

Client: Your file is corrupt. When I print it, the bottom and top are cut off and it’s centered on the page with a bunch of white space on the side.

Me: Did you make sure to change your printer settings to print in portrait?  You probably have it set to landscape.

To further prove my point, I printed out the exact file I sent her, took a picture of it, and sent the picture showing it printed correctly.  I also attached the same file I originally sent her and replied again.

Me: I just printed it and it worked perfectly (as you can see by the photo I sent you). I also reattached the file. You’ll just need to change your printer settings to portrait.

Client: No, it’s not that. This file is corrupt. I’ll just have to have someone else fix it since you won’t.

I let it go. The next day:

Client: So, I figured out what the problem was. I was printing in landscape.

October 18, 2014

My client sent me a .PSD, wanting a website based on that with content he provided within. I did all of it, and I did it damn well.

This is the conversation that followed after the completion of the project.

Me: I take it your happy with the end result? Can I lock the project?

Client: Yes, it’s very nice. What do you mean by locking it?

Me: As in, my job is done, so I’ll send you the bill and we shake hands.

Client: Right, well, I need my friends to look at it before I’m going to pay you. I’m not sure they’ll like it, so there might be things you need to change.

Me: No problem, but note that I don’t do extra work on a project before I’ve gotten paid for the initial job.

Client: You might need to change the entire design and functionality; I’m not going to pay you for something I don’t want.

Client: I want you to use this logo, but, just have more letters, you know?

Me: No. I don’t know what you mean. 

Client: Just… more letters. 

October 17, 2014
"What does that have to do with the brand? It looks good but I want it to look more procesorish."

We recently on-boarded a client who just so happens to be a church. Initial setup went great, payment came quickly. We figured this client was going to be a good one, which is saying a lot, as churches tend to be trouble clients.

Then they sent us a request for quotes on Office licenses as they needed to upgrade from Office 2003.  We sent them the quote, and a day later, got this help desk ticket for the firewall we manage for them.

Client: I need to access this site. Please add it to the list to get around the firewall

The site was a directory to keygens and serial number generators. They got a stern email about morality instead. 

October 16, 2014

Client: Hey, can you get me the name and number of all the people that looked at our site? Need to get the sales staff on the phones.

Me: That’s not how the internet works. We can’t collect info unless they fill out the form.

Client: Can you just hack it to get all their info when the go to the site?

Me: Please call me so I can explain the internet.

The client of a web app called me at 7am, irate and screaming at me that the web app is down. I logged in with no issue and checked the logs to find no outages. I checked the site to make sure the DNS was up. It was. Everything seemed fine, so I called the client for clarification.

Client: The app is still down! What are you doing?

Me: Everything appears to be working fine. Can you email me a screen shot of what you are seeing? 

Client: No, my email won’t work, my wifi is out.

Me: I think I see the problem now.