"How does someone right-handed left click?"
May 19, 2013
Client: The site isn’t working right.
Me: That’s strange.
I download a page and take a look at the code.
Me: It looks like a bunch of the code is missing. Did you have anyone modify the site?
Client: No, nothing like that.
Me: Well there are entire chunks of code missing that was there yesterday.
Client: Oh yeah, that was me, some of the code seemed unnecessary. Back to the issue at hand, why isn’t the site working?
May 18, 2013
"Dear God, take down the site! Take it down! Hackers can sweep right in, right click, and look at our code!"
Our company works with thousands of vendors worldwide on time-tracking - the following request came in from one that has been using the system for about eight months.
The clock in and clock out shows in military time. The difference between the in/out is calculated in time based on 60 minutes per hour. We invoice our time using hours and minutes in military time, which, as I’m sure you know, is based on 100 minutes per hour. Can the website be changed so the clock in and clock out will be based on 100 minutes in an hour? There are many other companies that invoice using the same method that we do.
May 17, 2013
"The ‘Paste from Word’ button doesn’t work. Do I need to copy from Word first?"
"I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but we’re paying you for your expertise. We shouldn’t have to pay for ideas we don’t want. We’re hoping you’ll send us a couple ideas every month, but don’t bill us for it, because we probably won’t use it."
May 16, 2013
Client: I need a quote, just base it on xxxxx.com
Me: Sorry, I need a spec to quote the work.
Client: It’s just like the other one.”
Me: Okay, so build a spec based on that and submit it.
Client: I need a price.
Me: I need a spec.
Client: Okay, you obviously don’t feel comfortable pricing it.
Me: Not without a spec, no.
Client: Oh, is that all?
"I am best friends with NASA and they looked at your code and said that it is junk code and that you shouldn’t use frames."
—
Throughout the project, he did the same thing with Reuters, ABC, and Fox News. These were all his friends.
Also, there were no frames in the code.
May 15, 2013
One of my clients is a “fashion designer/interior decorator/restaurant owner” who, at first, wanted me to create a job description which would fit all of the above “in one word”.
After deciding that it simply couldn’t be done, we proceed to the real work. While making the website visual prototype…
Client: I have a simple but groundbreaking idea. I don’t know how nobody has thought of it until now.
Me: Awesome! What you need?
Client: I can’t tell you. Just make half of the site area a rectangular blank space. I’ll fill it later.
Me: I strongly suggest we work together on this.
Client: If I tell you, you will steal my idea.
Me: But what do you want me to do then?
Client: It’s very simple. I need you to teach me your work. When I’m done, I’ll publish it myself.
Me: That’s not going to happen.
After hours spent explaining that any original ideas provided by the client are bound to confidentiality via our contract…
Client: Ok, I’ll tell you, but I need complete silence about it until it’s done, okay?
Me: Sure.
Client: It’s very simple. I need my clients to able to see how they are going to be on the dresses I make, online.
Me: Well, I’m afraid it has be done before, but that just means it’s easier for us. I can do a sketch model appear online so that the client can imagine themselves in your dresses.
Client: No, I want them to literally see themselves.
Me: A user can upload a headshot, but it probably won’t look that great in the end.
Client: NO NO NO. I told you. It’s very simple. You just have to program part of the monitor to be a mirror.
"I aint’ paying that, I can get Pakis to do it."
