Clients from Hell

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July 29, 2014

The following occurred over the phone when a client had a minor issue with the site I built for him.

Client: Hi, the margin between the logo and the content is wrong. Can you simply change it while I’m on the phone?

Me: Sure. Did you want the margin to be bigger or smaller?

Client: Can you increase it about by 50%?

Me: Sure. How’s that?

Client: No, that’s not right. It’s too much. Can you decrease it slightly?

Me: Sure. How’s that for you?

Client: Sorry, it’s still not quite right.

After ten minutes of "a little more" and "a little less," the client tells me it’s spot on.

After they hang up, I realized that I had made a mistake. I had been viewing my local copy of the site, and they had been viewing the live version. I never once uploaded the changed file. 

Client: I need you to remove those pixels from the page headline.

Me: What pixels?

Client: The two grey pixels between the “E” and the “T” in the title headline. I can’t understand why you put them there in the first place.

Me: The headline is the company logo on a white background. I can’t see any grey pixels there.

Client: Oh, they disappeared!

Me: Sounds very, very strange… Did you do anything to make them go away?

Client: No, not really. I just moved the browser window. Wait! They’re on my desktop now! How on earth did that happen??

I told the client to dust-wipe his screen. Problem solved.

July 28, 2014
via Jesie Castro

I’m supposed to be designing a brochure for a client. An aggressive timeline was set months ago. It would allow me two weeks to design a 40-page brochure, get it proofed, get it approved, and get it to print. I was supposed to have all the images and copy prior to that two-week deadline.

When I only received 18 of several dozen images, I requested a meeting. This piece has to be laid out in chronological order, so it was absolutely necessary to have all the resources before I built anything more than my template.

Client: But you’re still on track to complete this project on time, right?

Me: You missed your copy deadline and I’m missing most of the images. Do you know when I will receive the rest of the content and copy?

Client: No, but you can still get it done on time, right?

Me: You don’t know when you are going to get me the rest of the resources, but you still want me to promise I’ll meet the deadline?

Client: Yes.

INCREDIBLE.

July 27, 2014

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You look like someone appreciates a font with a full character set and kerning pairs. Interlocks probably get your blood boiling, you dirty typographer you. 

image

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"I’m open to the idea of paying you"

Client: I want this done by the end of the week! It’s taking forever!

Me: I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you wanted it done so soon. In our initial discussion about the job, you said there was “no huge rush.”

Client: To me “no huge rush” means “not today.”

July 26, 2014

A client gave me an external hard drive full of footage he had hired me to edit.

Me: Okay, how do you want this to be edited?

Client: I want you to make magic.

Me: Like what?

Client: Something Spiritual. Powerful. Magical!

Me: So, like magic wands and spells?

Client: No, no, no. Just have magical colors to bring it out! I just want you to make something magical.

Me: What does magical mean? Can you tell me which clips come first?

Client: You’ll know them when you see them. Use the powerful ones.

All the (poorly shot) footage is of someone walking around in a desert.

Client: Oh! And use the music from [famous band].

Me: Do you have rights to use them? You can be sued if you don’t.

Client: Of course I do. I talked to them.

I paste the video together, use the song he requested, and I increase the saturation before I send the footage back. The next week, he emails me to say I made “absolute magic,” but unfortunately, he has already received a cease and desist from the band whose music he asked me to use.

"I need these words changed. I am sending a picture of the changes so you can just copy and paste them."
July 25, 2014

I was designing a one-page brochure for a client that was supposed to provide the copy. When the copy arrived, it was a four-page Word document. 

Me: Umm, I think you’re going to have to remove some of copy, there’s no way we’ll be able to fit all this text into a one-page brochure.

Client: Are you sure?

Me: I’m absolutely sure!

Client: Okay, we’ll reduce the copy to one page. I’ll send you a new file.

Ten minutes later, an email comes in.

Client: Okay, it was tricky, but we finally got the text to fit.

I open the attachment, and, amazingly, they managed to get the copy down to one page.

Unfortunately, they didn’t remove any - they just used a size 3 font.