The following occurred over the phone when a client had a minor issue with the site I built for him.
Client: Hi, the margin between the logo and the content is wrong. Can you simply change it while I’m on the phone?
Me: Sure. Did you want the margin to be bigger or smaller?
Client: Can you increase it about by 50%?
Me: Sure. How’s that?
Client: No, that’s not right. It’s too much. Can you decrease it slightly?
Me: Sure. How’s that for you?
Client: Sorry, it’s still not quite right.
After ten minutes of "a little more" and "a little less," the client tells me it’s spot on.
After they hang up, I realized that I had made a mistake. I had been viewing my local copy of the site, and they had been viewing the live version. I never once uploaded the changed file.
Client: I need you to remove those pixels from the page headline.
Me: What pixels?
Client: The two grey pixels between the “E” and the “T” in the title headline. I can’t understand why you put them there in the first place.
Me: The headline is the company logo on a white background. I can’t see any grey pixels there.
Client: Oh, they disappeared!
Me: Sounds very, very strange… Did you do anything to make them go away?
Client: No, not really. I just moved the browser window. Wait! They’re on my desktop now! How on earth did that happen??
I told the client to dust-wipe his screen. Problem solved.
I’m supposed to be designing a brochure for a client. An aggressive timeline was set months ago. It would allow me two weeks to design a 40-page brochure, get it proofed, get it approved, and get it to print. I was supposed to have all the images and copy prior to that two-week deadline.
When I only received 18 of several dozen images, I requested a meeting. This piece has to be laid out in chronological order, so it was absolutely necessary to have all the resources before I built anything more than my template.
Client: But you’re still on track to complete this project on time, right?
Me: You missed your copy deadline and I’m missing most of the images. Do you know when I will receive the rest of the content and copy?
Client: No, but you can still get it done on time, right?
Me: You don’t know when you are going to get me the rest of the resources, but you still want me to promise I’ll meet the deadline?
You look like someone appreciates a font with a full character set and kerning pairs. Interlocks probably get your blood boiling, you dirty typographer you.
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"I’m open to the idea of paying you"
Client: I want this done by the end of the week! It’s taking forever!
Me: I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you wanted it done so soon. In our initial discussion about the job, you said there was “no huge rush.”
Client: To me “no huge rush” means “not today.”
A client gave me an external hard drive full of footage he had hired me to edit.
Me: Okay, how do you want this to be edited?
Client: I want you to make magic.
Me: Like what?
Client: Something Spiritual. Powerful. Magical!
Me: So, like magic wands and spells?
Client: No, no, no. Just have magical colors to bring it out! I just want you to make something magical.
Me: What does magical mean? Can you tell me which clips come first?
Client: You’ll know them when you see them. Use the powerful ones.
All the (poorly shot) footage is of someone walking around in a desert.
Client: Oh! And use the music from [famous band].
Me: Do you have rights to use them? You can be sued if you don’t.
Client: Of course I do. I talked to them.
I paste the video together, use the song he requested, and I increase the saturation before I send the footage back. The next week, he emails me to say I made “absolute magic,” but unfortunately, he has already received a cease and desist from the band whose music he asked me to use.
"I need these words changed. I am sending a picture of the changes so you can just copy and paste them."
I was designing a one-page brochure for a client that was supposed to provide the copy. When the copy arrived, it was a four-page Word document.
Me: Umm, I think you’re going to have to remove some of copy, there’s no way we’ll be able to fit all this text into a one-page brochure.
Client: Are you sure?
Me: I’m absolutely sure!
Client: Okay, we’ll reduce the copy to one page. I’ll send you a new file.
Ten minutes later, an email comes in.
Client: Okay, it was tricky, but we finally got the text to fit.
I open the attachment, and, amazingly, they managed to get the copy down to one page.
Unfortunately, they didn’t remove any - they just used a size 3 font.