Client: “I need a logo for my online gardening business.”

Me: “I’ll need you to write up a brief of what style, colours, etc., you would like it to reflect.”

Client: “I’ll write one and get back to you.”

Two days pass.

Me: “How is that brief coming along?”

Client: “Well, the brief has turned into more of a marketing plan. I thought I’d leave the creative part up to you. I love the examples you sent me. Can you just make us look like those clients? Then, I will be happy.”

Me: “Fair enough.”

I do a few logo concepts in the style the client loves and show them to him.

Client: “Hmm… It’s not really what I was after.”

Me: “No problem. Do you like any of them, or would you like to start from scratch?”

Client: “Start from scratch, I think.”

Me: “This time, I think we ought to adhere to a creative brief, so I can get closer to what you imagine.”

Client: “Okay. I don’t really know what to write, but I will get back to you soon.”

He calls me a few days later.

Client: “I didn’t realise there was more than one page in the PDF you sent me. The other logos are actually really good. Let’s use the second one.”

The second logo was on the first page. I don’t even know.

Me: “To finish up, I just need you to shut down your machine.”

Client: “I tried to power off the machine, but it won’t shut down.”

Me: “So, you clicked on ‘Start’ and then ‘Shut Down’, and the machine is just sitting there?”

Client: “Yeah. Nothing is happening.”

Me: “No worries. Just press and hold the power button to turn off the machine.”

Client: “I don’t have a power button.”

Me: “How do you turn on your computer?”

Client: “My computer is always on.”

Client: “Let’s get more content published before Monday.”

Me: “Why Monday?”

Client: “I’ve been learning about SEO, and I’m pretty sure Google crawls the web on Mondays.”

Me: “Among other days, yes.”

Me: “Hi. I just installed WordPress on your site, but someone with admin access has changed the password. Could you forward me the email from the host so I can get access?”

Client: “I don’t have time for that. I’ll just print it off and bring it to you, cool?”

I have no idea why this made sense to the client. Their office is an hour away from mine.

I work at a bank. Obviously, security is important here. I answer the phone.

Me: “Hello, you’re speaking to—”

Client: *Drunk and angry* “F*** off and listen. My card isn’t working, and I’m in a bar in Thailand waiting to get my c**k sucked. Fix it now.”

Me: “And this is a [Bank] card, correct?”

Client: “Of course it is. Why else would I ring you?”

Me: “All right, sir, but first—”

He swears under his breath.

Me: “I need your customer ID number.”

Client: “What the f*** is that?”

Me: “Your sixteen-digit number used for telephone and online banking.”

Client: “How the f*** am I supposed to know that?”

Me: “[Bank] gives this number to you when you join us. It starts with your birthday and ends with four other numbers you should know.”

Client: *Shouting* “Well, I don’t f****** know it, so just fix my card.”

I tell him that before I can fix his card, I need to identify who he even is. I ask for his sort code and account number, and he only knows the sort code. I use this to bring up the first page of his account, which gives basics but no security information. It indicates that he is bankrupt, which may explain why the card isn’t working.

Me: “Unfortunately, you will have to call back tomorrow and speak to the fraud team so they can ID you.”

Client: “What the f****** f*** do you mean ‘call tomorrow’? I need it fixed now! If you don’t, I’ll sue you — not the bank, you — for not allowing me to just access my account without any hassle. Do you know who I am? I have millions of pounds in your bank, and I will ruin you.”

Remember, he’s bankrupt.

Me: “Sir, threatening me will accomplish nothing. [Bank] has specific guidelines to protect you, your account, and those ‘millions’ of pounds.”

A heavy silence.

Client: “Did you say ‘[Bank]’?”

Me: “Yes, my name is [My Name], and I work for [Bank].”

Client: “Never mind. This is a [Bank #2] card.”