I'm a freelance photographer going into a phone call with a potential new client, a regional nonprofit hospital's marketing department:
Me: So what are you looking for?
Client: Yeah, so what DPI can you take pictures at?
It didn't work out.
I use to have a side business with my ex-husband when we were married. We split up years and years ago, and he retained that business.
Today, I was contacted by a former client. It has been at least 15 years at least since I did work for them.
Client: You built my website, and I need changes.
Me: I'm sorry, but you will need to contact my ex-husband, he is the sole owner now.
Client: No, I want you do it.
Me: I haven't worked on websites in over 15 years. I wouldn't know where to start building one today.
Client: That's impossible. The internet hasn't even been around for 15 years!
I emailed a client requesting they approve a Facebook Ad. After a week I emailed them again.
Me: Hey I emailed you a week ago requesting you approve a Facebook Ad. You might not have gotten it.
Side note: I know they opened it, I have a mail tracker.
Me: Here’s the link for you to approve. Please let me know. Also, please confirm you’ve received this email.
Client: YOUR EMAILS ARE COMING THROUGH MY SPAM!
Me: I’m sorry about that.
Again: they saw and opened my emails.
Me: Please green list us and that should fix the issue. Did you see the Ad? What did you think?
Client: (no response, ever)
My mail tracker confirms they opened my last email soon after I sent it.
Client: I’m sorry, but the search feature on [our Intranet site] is terrible!! I can’t find anything!
Me: I’m sorry to hear that, can you give me an example of what you’re trying to find?
Client: Well, I’m trying to find the address for my dentist, but when I put his name in nothing comes up!
Me: Erm, the INTRANET site search is for finding documents that we use internally. I think you are confusing it with a search engine, like Google.
Client: Well, that’s just stupid! What good is a search feature if it doesn’t give me what I’m looking for?
In retrospect, it was a lesson learned. I renamed our search box to say “Search the Intranet” instead.
Me: Nothing needs changing?
Client: No, it’s good. Will it be ready tomorrow?
Me: I can get it finished by then.
The next day I sent over the file.
Client: Actually we can only have three colors.
Me: …. Okay. I’ll change it.
Client: And I think this could be a different colour.
Client: And you need to take the background out.
Me: It’s transparent.
Client: We want to print it on black hoodies.
Me: That will work. It’s transparent.
Client: It’s white there.
Me: If we printed it on black paper that would be black. If you put it on a black background it would be black.
Client: So it will be black?
I make the changes and sent over the (correctly-sized) PNG file the next day.
Three months later:
Client: The picture is really blurry and pixelated. You need to fix it.
Me: Re-download it from the email I sent you.
Client: Did you fix it?
Me: Re-download it from the email I sent you.
They didn’t even give me credit.
I am Finnish. I worked as a consultant for an American company that wanted to expand its business to Finland. The company is my old employer when I lived in America. They wanted me to organize several online meetings with potential stakeholders in the second week of December.
Client: We’d like the meetings to be in the afternoon of 6th.
Me: I’m sorry, but that’s not possible. Because of time zone differences, 5 pm there would be midnight here. Also, the 6th is our independence day, so no one would be attending that meeting since it’s a public holiday.
Client: What?! Do you think I’m that stupid? Independence day is the 4th of July, not the 6th of December!
Client: We need the control panel for our emails back but THEY won’t give it to us.
Client: I want to create any mail without asking anyone. We need to take the data from them and put it here.
He pointed to a computer in the office.
Me: We can’t do that, sorry but it doesn’t work like that. Also, I’m not sure who “they” are.
Client: If I own our domain name, then I should be able to make emails with that domain!
Me You don’t own the domain. You’re licensing it.
Client: So? Who DOES own our domain? Is .Com the owner?
Client: .Com must be the real owner. I’ll talk to them.
The following was a “routine call” for some final slight revisions to a site that was completed and signed off.
The client assured me it would “just take two minutes.”
Client: What color is the logo?
Me: It’s blue.
Client: What is?
The client was looking at the logo on the screen as he asked this.
The call lasted forty minutes.
Client: Can you provide me the permalinks for the Instagram ads and stats as to how they have been performing so far along with the general Facebook ones?
Me: Sure. Here you go.
Client: Hmm… Based on how these are performing, we want to stop running on there. Can you turn them off?
Me: Sure. Those ad placements have been removed.
Four hours later.
Client: Hey, those permalinks you sent to us for the Instagram ads aren’t working. We keep getting a 404. Can you send new links?
Me: …That’s because I turned them off.