Client: We have you booked for a shoot on Wednesday.
Me: Sorry, I have my Aunt's funeral that day.
Client: Well, which is more important to you?
I just walked away. I had no idea how to respond to that.
Client: I've been taking a look at your portfolio site.
Me: Oh, great! So you know what I d-
Client: I have some notes on how you can improve. Would you like to hear them?
Me: ...
No, this client was not a designer.
In the before times, I was actually a stand-up comic. I did a road show with a full crowd, lots of laughs, and a booker with a reputation for shorting the talent.
When all was said and done, this was his pathetic gambit for not paying me the $200 he owed me:
Client: Hey, I'm sorry, but I don't have enough cash on me - would you just take the $170 I have?
Long story short, I wound up driving him to the nearest ATM and watching him take out my payment before taking him back to his car at the hotel. Dude - you didn't think I would wait for you?
Client: I know you’ve been working on my graphic novel for a few months now and it’s almost finished, but would you mind redrawing everything so the characters are standing 2 metres apart? You know, to reflect modern times.
Before anyone asks, of course he didn’t offer to pay extra for the trouble.
I'm a retired librarian, and while I was never a freelancer I think this story will resonate with a Clients From Hell audience.
One day, I was sitting at my desk where I was providing library services for a U.S. Federal agency.
My boss came in and told me that the Federal Agency has submitted a report to the United Nations. The U.N. Returned it asking for the bibliography they'd used to write it.
My job was to do a literature search and find articles that supported their point of view and append them to the paper as if they'd actually done research before writing it.
It's good to be retired.
Me: Can I have your email address please?
Client: I don't have a computer in my home. That's where the devil lives.
I swear this actually happened.
I am a designer from Germany and lately this happened:
Client: (via email) Could you phone me? I don't have your number at hand.
This message was a replay to an email I sent her the same day before, with my complete contact info in the signature
Client: I want [X] in my article.
Me: I already covered that! It was requested in the brief.
Client: I haven't read the brief or anything, that was Marketing's job. I'm here to get the changes I want.
I had plans to meet with a client to discuss the final phase of a rebranding effort.
They cancelled the meeting on me three times, each time suggesting a new time that I agreed to. When they cancelled, it was always the same day, and once they only let me know they had to cancel one hour before the meeting.
On the day that the fourth meeting time was happening, I got a call from my kid's school saying he was sick and needed to be picked up.
Me: Hey, I'm really sorry, but my kid is sick and I can't make our meeting.
Client: What? After we've rescheduled this many times? This is HIGHLY unprofessional.
I didn't cancel the first three times, jerk.
A couple of years ago I was doing social media for a local company. They were putting on a "backyard barbecue" in their lot, and asked me to promote it on their channels.
I put together the campaign, scheduled posts, everything. I thought that was the end of the story, except the client started fiddling with their Facebook account (by far their largest platform).
They changed the date of the event multiple times, eventually landing on the original date and time (at no point did they update the poster I made for the event). They accidentally cancelled the event. TWICE. And, they made several posts about the event independently that got the day of the week it would be held wrong (Sunday instead of Saturday).
Apparently the turnout was extremely limited, and then a number of people came on the Sunday and were mad that nothing was happening. "You reap what you sow," I thought.
I was wrong.
Client: Your campaign for this was a big fail. Next time, you're going to have to do a better job.