Client: Right, so how do I email the internet to the printer?
Proof that there ARE stupid questions from the Clients From Hell archives!Email the internet
I worked with a client who, while not the worst, was inflexible, insistent on his ideas being the best to the exclusion of all other suggestions, and a terrible, terrible listener.
So, color me surprised when he dumped this on me:
Client: I'm performing with my improv troupe this Thursday. You should come!
What's the scariest thing you've ever heard a client say?
Three minutes after the agreed upon deadline for a massive document I was finishing final proofreading on:
Client: (via text) WHERE THE HELL IS MY FILE!?!?!??!?!
I recently started to help a local company to help modernize their staff HR material. As part of the project, we decided to make employee training resources digital rather than physical. The Client wanted them to be an online flipbook with embedded video, tutorial animations, and all the bells and whistles.
To do this, we needed a licence for the flip book software that would allow us to distribute the online book and embed the content. My client had the idea that we were working with some simple animation software that would enable us to make promotional videos. We weren’t sure where she got this idea (and why she held on to it, even though we corrected her every day for two weeks). This recent exchange may have helped me to figure it out, though.
Client: So when will we be able to launch this project?
Me: Well, as I mentioned before, we can’t launch it until we get the licence. We can’t export from this free version.
Client: I don’t understand. So why can’t we do this? Are we waiting for the animation? Is that why?
Me: No, the software doesn’t make “animations.” It puts our materials into a flip-book format, and we need the license to export the file to the format we need. Any animations you want on top of turning pages will have to be added after.
Client: But when we get that we are ready to go, it will do the animation for us?
Me: No, it won’t add any animation for us. Production of any animations you want to include hasn’t started, as the only instructions you’ve given us is that there should be one. There’s been no discussion of what the animation needs to include or what it’s of and even when that is sorted out it could take days or weeks to produce.
Client: Animation must not be your strong suit. My daughter took a picture of me, uploaded it to a site and did an animation of me dancing in a few minutes. It was incredible.
I guess uploading a photo to Jib Jab makes you a professional animator.
My daughter could do better than this story from the Clients From Hell archives!
Client: I keep looking at this website and it just isn’t blowing my skirt up for some reason. Can’t really explain why. Let’s start over.
A gross and unclear direction from the Clients From Hell archives!
Client: Is there any way we can incorporate my competitor's logo in a disrespectful way? Like Calvin peeing on it or something like that?
I'd completed a full brand package and visual identity for a client and their website.
Client: Would you give me a discount if I gave you more work?
Me: Would that work also be discounted?
Client: Yes.
I'd put in 40 hours in the past month on this project. The "new work" they were offering was about 4 hours... and would pay less than the discount they were asking me for.
I was doing design for a card game company that will remain nameless.
Client: I’m designing a “noir” card game. I’m going to need it to be colorful and have hardly any shadows. Can you do that?
Me: I can do that, wouldn’t it not really be “noir” then? The whole point is limited colors and heavy shadow, isn’t it?
Client: Yes, it would. Just figure it out.
A "just do what's in my head" from the Clients From Hell archives!
I had a client who was very... self-help motivated. They loved to read books for entrepreneurs and implemented all the advice... but not for very long.
They were actually a pretty good client, but one time they had just read a book advising them to get up at 4 AM to answer emails and get a head start on your day. Fine - except they would send me incomplete emails at 4:38 AM with clarity and spelling errors, and then, when I tried to ask them questions, they wouldn't respond because they'd fallen asleep mid-day.
They switched back to normal business hours after that, but it still makes me laugh.