Client: I want you to write this in under 10 thousand words.
Me: OK.
Client: Not enough detail. Flesh it out or I'm not paying.
Me: I fleshed it out, but it was pretty tight already. To get all the details in you wanted I went over.
Client: TOO MANY WORDS. Also, I want it formatted for eBooks as part of the budget.
Me: (staring at the meager amount in escrow) Yeah, nah.
A client had three intro boxes on their homepage which had a one- or two-word title, a picture automatically cropped by the Content Management System to a specific size, and a variable-length paragraph underneath the picture. The character limit on the title and the specific size of photo meant the photos were always in line with each other.
Client: Can we move the paragraph to above the photo instead of below it?
Me: I don't recommend that. It would mean the photos wouldn't always line up with each other depending on each user's browser width, screen resolution and zoom level, as the paragraphs are of varying length.
Client: I'd like to try it anyway, please go ahead and make the change.
I make the change. It looks awful.
Client: OK, I see what you mean...
Me: (internally) Thanks, now please can I change it back?
Client: ...However I'd like to see what my other options are. My friend who knows CSS has just said if I give the block a minimum pixel height the photos would line up. Can you do that?
Argh.
Me: Again, whatever height it's set at, there will be people who see the photos out of alignment due to a combination of screen resolution, browser width, zoom level and text length. I recommend the photo goes back to above the paragraph.
Client: On my screen a minimum height of 70 pixels looks perfect. Please make the minimum height of the block 70 pixels.
Me: (begrudgingly) OK, it's done.
Client: Thanks!
One week later:
Client: Hey, I just looked at the site on a larger screen and now there is too much space between the text and the photo. Please could you take a look? Also, on my Uncle's smaller screen, box 2 has one extra line compared to the others, containing just one word. Please fix.
Me: Here are some new restricted CMS login details, It gives your friends access to edit the CSS stylesheet files only. Please let me know when they've finished.
What I didn't say at the end of that was: so I can laugh.
I also quietly removed my web design credit from the footer of the website.
Client: I need this done AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
Me: I have a lot of orders ahead of yours. If there's a rush, can you let me know a date you need it done by so I can put it in as a rush order?
Client: No I don't want a rush I just want it done NOW.
So don't rush, just do it immediately. Gotcha.
I work at a small IT consultancy, providing support of various kinds for startups and other small companies. Our focus is on planning and thoughtful recommendations, rather than being reactive. We work with dozens of companies, and our weeks are generally scheduled out a week or more in advance.
One day a client with about 40 employees sent an email at 5 PM:
Client: Hi! Sorry for the short notice, but we're moving our office from the 3rd floor to the 5th floor tomorrow. Can someone come onsite at 9 AM?
We don't work with that client anymore.
Several years back, I volunteered to produce some event materials for the local Boy Scouts district free of charge because I had a personal connection with them.
Their headquarters was in a local shopping mall, who were a long-time client of mine. After I made the Boy Scout materials, the new mall administration contacted me about producing posters to promote an upcoming holiday event. I agreed, and produced some proofs that I sent them for approval. They didn't respond.
I followed up several times but while they responded they never actually gave me feedback. With the deadline fast approaching I took it upon myself to produce ten large posters for their kiosk displays. I delivered these to the mall office, only to have them tell me the manager and PR person were out of the office for meetings. I left the posters behind and went on my merry way.
Client: What are these?
Me: You asked me to produce these. I was waiting for feedback but you never sent any, and with the deadline arriving I finished the job.
Client: I never looked at your proofs. But you also left a bill?
Me: Yes?
Client: We thought you would do this for free!
They had spoken to the Boy Scouts district official, who had told them I did the Scout event posters for free...they fully expected that I would do their holiday posters at no charge! Needless to say, I did no further work for the mall, and had some harsh conversations with the Boy Scout district volunteers!
Me: I will need at least a week after shooting to edit everything to have it ready for the event on the 6th. Let me know when we can get everyone together.
Client: Can we film on the 4th?
A client was walking me through the process of cleaning up and re-numbering of large e-commerce data sets in a custom, unintuitive database system. He seemed unsure about some of the steps, and parts got mixed up as he explains. We were dealing with several spreadsheets and various database locations.
Me: OK, so I think it would make sense for us to work on this together.
Client: (angrily) Yeah, I guess I’ll have to sit here and try to explain this to you while I watch you mess up.
What a great start to this job…
A personal injury lawyer sought out my skills to help him with online marketing.
Client: I can pay you an hourly rate, under 10 hours a week. My budget for marketing is XXX (low hundreds per month). I don't have much time to review the marketing plans, but just tell me what I need to know and I'll review your drafts.
Me: I researched personal injury law, and it seems like you could spend a lot more over time and potentially get a great ROI. For example, how much do you earn when you win big cases? It seems to me it would make sense to invest more in the various marketing strategies we discussed - since you’re seeking big cases.
Is there a paralegal at your office who can be my point of contact, if you don't have time?
He quickly changed the topic since he decided that’s “not relevant.” No response to my questions about potential ROI, time invested, etc. I guess he wants easy to find clients with the "set it and forget it" method.
I met with a prospective client who didn’t know much about the technical details or creative decisions involved in website development. He was unimpressed by the concept of needing a new website when he had one that hadn’t been updated in 12 years.
He made his old website with free software, and it was one of the most outdated sites I’ve seen, with blurry images and hard-to-read text.
Client: Can I see some samples?
Me: Sure, let me just bring some up on the computer here to show you.
I showed the client a few of my website design samples, that looked modern, clean and responsive with a thoughtful UX in mind.
Client: What, that’s it?
Always a great sign that your work is going to be valued.
My girlfriend wanted me to design a graphic for a shirt that she could put up on a store page. She wanted it done in time for the Christmas Season (Read: December) She sprung this on me midway through the last week of November. So, of course, being the kind of guy I am, I decided I'm going to put in some late nights for her.
The design we settled on was one of her characters, gift wrapped for the season. The problem in this story came from the fact that her character has heterochromic eyes. (Both eyes are different colors, one red, one blue.) I looked at the reference pieces that she provided, and my heart sank. About a third of the pieces I saw were reversed from the rest in this detail. So I asked her the clarifying question:
Me: Hey, so which of her eyes is the red one?
Client: The right one.
Me: My right or hers?
She pauses, and I can see her hold a hand up, and start flipping it back and forth as if trying to do advanced geometry in her head.
Client: Uhh... just take a look at the reference materials.
Me: (Showing her two pieces) The references don't agree with one another.
Client: Okay, so what makes sense... uh, that one. Her right eye should be red.
Me: You're pointing to her left eye.
Client: Wait... hang on.
I went out, and poured myself a drink, and she continued speaking to me about what she was trying to figure out. The entire conversation lasted for about half an hour. Here are some notable exchanges during that time:
Client: So when you say right, are you talking about house right or stage right?
Me: What? Stage right. I'm asking for your right eye.
Client: Okay. (Turns around, makes some motions in the air and turns around pointing at her left eye) Right eye.
Me: No...
At this point I was getting frustrated.
Me: (pointing at my own right eye.) Look at me and imagine you're looking at her. Is this the Red eye or the blue eye?
Client: So that's the eye on the left, so it should be blue. Unless I'm confused, and I'm imagining things like I'm looking at a mirror.
Me: I don't know what you're imagining. But this is my right eye.
Client: So is that house right or stage right?
Me: What? Just which is her right eye?
Client: (spends ten seconds going back and forth almost raising one hand or the other, then turns back around.) Am I supposed to imagine her standing here or that I am her and looking in a mirror? Oh, no wait, am I giving you house or stage directions here?
Me: (slapping my forehead) What is your fixation on stages and mirrors?
Client: I don't know!