Client: I’m trying to print that black and white flyer you made me, but my printer is out of ink and the black parts are coming out too light. Can you make the black darker and resend it?
Another request to change the visual spectrum, from the Clients From Hell archives.
Client: We need signs done in fiberglass and porcelain.
Me: What?
I've been working in sign/exhibit design for over twenty years and have never had a request for these materials.
I spend two hours looking online for porcelain sign fabricators. All I find are small signs. This needs to be big, like eight feet wide. I talk to the client's vendor. They've never made of these and have no recommendations. They do make fiberglass, but hardly ever. Everyone uses high-pressure laminate. It's the same basic idea, but it's much more varied in thickness, it works the same way, and the cost is comparable. Plus, I can get it made near the job site so the client would save on shipping.
Me: Did your client request the porcelain and fiberglass? Because we can use other materials if not. If they did request it, then I'll look some more.
Client: I don't think you're right for this job.
Me: What the f***?
A client hadn’t replied to my latest proof. I asked if he’d seen it yet, to which he replied:
Client: There are too many words. I don’t like to read that much (nor do I have the time), and frankly, I don’t think other people do either.
There were literally seven words on the proof.
Don't read too much into it, from the Clients From Hell archives.
Client: Your company is exceptionally slow compared to others in your field, but we're willing to give you one last chance. We have a project that other companies can turn around in [number] weeks. What can you offer us in terms of timelines?
Me: We're literally the only company in the world that offers the services you need on this scale, so I'm pretty sure nobody has offered you a [number]-week timeline. We can't match it by any stretch considering the gargantuan scope of work, but hey, you're free to go to these "other companies" you've mentioned. We wish you the best of luck.
Client: Oh, no, the companies are most certainly real. But... uh... hypothetically speaking, what kind of timeline would it be if we stuck with you?
Me: Hypothetically?
Client: Hypothetically.
We'd be working around the clock and weekends just to make double that timeline. You better believe the expedite fees aren't getting waived. Some part of me genuinely wants them to attempt getting quotes from other companies and getting the door slammed in their faces when they explain what they want and how soon they want it.
A client asked me to color some black and white pictures of his mother as a child.
Client: It’s for her funeral next week.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry to hear about her passing. What type of hair color and skin tone did your mother have as a child?
Client: I’ll snip a piece of her hair off. You can scan it and take the color from there.
Me: …
A "no thank you!" moment, from the Clients From Hell archives.
Me: If you can just send me your logo, I can get started on your website design.
Client: If you can just put our name with a commercial-looking tall building, that would be fine.
Me: Oh, if I’m creating your logo, then you would need to purchase one of our branding packages. You’ve only opted into a web design package.
Client: No devil emblems or Black Sabbath symbols, please.
Me: ...
After working for a designer for over six months at an unpaid internship, I finally had to tell her that I could no longer work without a paycheck. We set up a meeting in which we discussed details about working for her at certain one-night events and receiving pay for the event itself.
After three weeks of my emails going ignored, she finally emails me back a day or two before the event:
Designer Sorry, my boyfriend’s wife died and we were taking care of him for the last three weeks. I couldn’t email you.
I reply, gently:
Me: Business is business and I need info on the details of the event and how much I was being paid for it in order to help.
I hear nothing from her until the afternoon of the event:
Designer: Hey, be here for the event at 5 pm, okay?.”
I call her to discuss payment with her (because I was not going to work an event for free, especially after she was notorious for borrowing money from me and never paying me back), and she says:
Designer: Hey! I have a great idea! In return for working tonight, I’ll give you sample pieces of fabric I’m not using and you can take them home and make your own clothes since I know you can’t afford to buy them right now. Then, we can put my label on them and sell them and I’ll give you 10% commission!
I politely told her that I could not help her out at the event because I needed to be paid in US Dollars.
Her boyfriend called me back to yell at me about how ungrateful I was being.
The more you read it the worse it gets, from the Clients From Hell archives.
I'm illustrating a book cover for a Client.
Me: Do you want it to be day or night in this image?
Client: That doesn't matter as long as there is "Atmosphere"!
Me: Ok, what sort of atmosphere?
Client: The sort that's created with light.
Me: Ok, then do you want it to be day or night in the picture?
Client: Either as long as there is atmosphere.
Me: Yes, but what sort of atmosphere? Happy? Scary? Cold? Warm? Mysterious? Sad?
The client answered by sending me a link to a long online interview/article about a man who works as a light designer for video games.
Client: Our contract work conditions are based on a day rate. We expect you to work the full 24 hours if necessary.
Another "who needs sleep?" moment from the Clients From Hell archives.
My first client as a digital marketing specialist was epic. I went to meet him for brunch and to discuss the timeline of the changes he wanted me to do on his website. I have to mention we initially talked on the phone.
Everything is nice and good, I have already ordered one coffee, one tea (because he accidentally mentioned he’s more into exotic teas) and some cookies. He arrives at the lounge and I can see him from the table waiting inside, in front of the door and looking around.
On my way to invite him to the table, I can see his eyes getting bigger and suddenly a disappointed face shows up.
Client: What? Is that you? I… I didn’t expect a child.
I am 21.
Client: Sorry, I don’t wanna waste my time.
Me: Nice to meet you too! I guess my voice and advice sounded pretty smart on the phone if you thought I was older! Don’t want to waste my time either, I’m going to finish my coffee and I’ll send back papaya and kumquat tea I ordered for you.
The client smiles genuinely and invites me to the table:
Client: Show me what you got, kiddo!