Client: I just did a search for our restaurant on Google and it does not show up on the first page. There is a problem with the website.
Note: Client chose not to pay for SEO services
An "if there's nothing wrong with me there must be something wrong with the universe" moment from the Clients From Hell archives.
I met a potential client at a network training meeting and we arranged a Zoom 1-2-1. The day before, I got a message informing me that she had a "paying client" and asking if I could please move the 1-2-1 an hour earlier. This meant missing another networking meeting but I thought it would be worth it.
I turned up at the earlier time. My client didn't show up until the original time with the excuse that she never got my email about the earlier time being okay.
She dismissed my product straight away and said she had a potential client for my app work but she didn't want me to "let her down." After listening to her pitch her confidence training course, which I couldn't afford, I felt deflated. I felt compelled to say yes but the next day said no because she had no reviews, videos, or testimonials on her website or social media, despite running her business for twelve years.
A few weeks later, she stalked me on WhatsApp and said she'd done a video and expected me to suddenly want her services.
I worked out a clash of personality and couldn't work with her. If I felt I could, I might have suggested help with her marketing in exchange for her sessions, but I just ignored her.
I was conducting a “voice of the customer”-type investigation for a client to inform the requirements for the redevelopment of their website.
We agreed on how many interviews I could do within the agreed fee and we agreed that they would make the introductions to a cross-section of their audiences. Once we’d secured the required number of interviews, they continued making intros to additional contacts. But I was enjoying the work and wanted to make a good impression, and I knew that the more perspectives I could gain, the stronger the insights would be, so in the end, I did DOUBLE the number of interviews.
At the playback presentation, it became clear that the client didn’t like the findings of the investigation, which was that clients were more interested and engaged by one aspect of their messaging than another (sustainability more than innovation, which makes sense).
The client started yelling.
Client: You spoke to the wrong people!
Me: YOU decided who I should interview, and the people I spoke to represented a cross-section of the target audience.
They expected me to interview a whole bunch of additional people without charging any extra money, fundamentally until I could gather enough evidence to support their confirmation bias that the innovation message was more important than the sustainability one.
Client: “We know our customers really well, and this is what they want to see!”
So WHY are you commissioning a VOC study? And why are you asking me to interview more people?
On top of this, they were awkward about so many things and late paying, etc. I managed to walk away relatively unscathed, but what a nightmare. “You spoke to the wrong people!” is a phrase that will stay with me forever!
Client: We're worried that someone will steal our logo from their website. We need us to protect the logo and we're willing to pay to have the right mouse button disabled.
A "why didn't I think of that?" moment from the Clients From Hell archives.
After a long proposal process, the client wants to amend the final payment terms.
Client: Can you change the wording for the final payment to include three payment reminders before charging a late fee?
Me: So, you're saying you're not going to pay the final invoice in a timely manner?
RED FLAG. RED FLAG. RED FLAG.
Getting people who work in law professions to work together is like herding cats.
Me: I need [document #1].
Lawyer #1: No problem, I'll just need [document #2] from [Lawyer #2].
Lawyer #2: Okay, here you go.
Lawyer #1: That's [document #2]-a. I need [document #2]-c.
Lawyer #2: Oh, then I need [document #3] from [Lawyer #3].
Lawyer #3: I need written permission from [Judge].
Judge: I need confirmation from [Lawyer #2] and a [document #4] from [Lawyer #4].
All the paperwork and emails finally trickle back to [Lawyer #1].
Lawyer #1: Okay, here you go.
Me: I don't know what this is, but it's definitely not a [document #1].
After several rounds of back and forth over billboard designs for a local zoo, the marketing director at the zoo emails:
Client: I've tested the latest proofs you sent me on my computer. I opened the files and ran past my screens to simulate a driver passing a billboard. The billboards didn’t pop enough for me when I tried that. You needed to make the billboards more attention-grabbing.
A method of scientific testing from the Clients From Hell archives.
I do a bit of graphic design here and there, though mostly I do drawing, things like character design and illustration. My parents have had me do logo and design work before, and now have a youtube and wanted me to design a logo and stickers.
Having already designed the logo[which I wasn't paid for after constantly being asked for changes] and being halfway done with the sticker design, I went to get approval on the sticker concept.
Dad: I don't like it.
Me: What don't you like about it?
Dad: I just don't like it. Your mom says it needs to be more fun, but it also needs to be professional, we want it to look good without being too cartoony or serious.
Me: Okay... so is there anything you like about it? Or anything specific you want?
Dad: It needs to be less yellow and more gold. Make it fun.
After getting the first actual input ever, I proceed to just continue with the original concept, adding some flair in the trim around the edge of the design and messing with the font. I tried to get feedback from both parents multiple times during this, but neither could tell me what they like [or didn't like for that matter], always responding with "we won't know what we want until we see it"
After getting tired of working on it for a month, I showed them the 'final' design with options on the trim of the design, so they could choose to have it plainer or a bit of a rainbow... since I still never understood what "fun but professional" meant.
Dad: This looks great! We'll get your mom's approval on everything and then we can order some stickers.
Mom: Looks good, I'm fine with whatever at this point. Can we get one of those shiny versions of the sticker?
Me: ...like holographic?
They say yeah that's what they meant, so I go and order both versions of the stickers online... as soon as they get here they show me the stickers.
Dad: I don't like this design at all.. and this sticker [the non-holographic one] looks like a child drew it.
He proceeded to insult my design[that he signed off on] for two minutes straight. Then tells me they hired someone who doesn't even know what a vector is to do a new logo, [he just smashed together some abomination in photoshop... the quality isn't great either but my parents seem to like it]
Thanks for the support, dad. At least I got paid this time.
Client: Hey, the Google Doc content workbook you sent over? Yeah, could you provide it in a different format, like Word, so I can cut and paste my changes? Would be way better than printing and making handwritten notes and scanning everything.
Me: Umm...
My client just shared with me an engagement they had with one of their regular customers, that I had to share with everyone here.
They provide a set menu of original recipe options to their town and have a few regulars that placed standing orders. In this case, it's for 1.5 portions of sweet and sour pork for the husband and just chicken breast and salad for the health-conscious wife every Friday evening.
This is a conversation that just happened between them.
Chef: Hi, just calling to confirm what time would suit you for delivery tonight?
Customer: Not today, thanks. We're going to try artificial cheese and gluten-free pizza from that other place tonight.
Chef: Okay, no problem, enjoy!
Later that evening...
Customer: My pizza was a disaster! Can we revert to the same as before, please?
Chef: No problem. Would you like artificial chicken or normal chicken?
Customer: Real chicken, please.