Client: I need Grammar editing / proofreading of 250 pages. What’s the prise ? [original mispelling]

Me: I would need more information to prepare a quote – for example, an idea of the total number of words, the genre of writing, and a sample chapter or two. However I am fully booked with editing work until the end of July, so if you need the work done before then you would need to find someone else.

Meanwhile, I Google the guy and discover he’s a well-known plagiarist.

Client: Okay, what about a Fiction Action/Adventure book - 90,000 approx. word count? I need to be sure if you could help me for real, so I need you to edit a test section before I hire you. If I’m going to pay you 1,500 Euros for editing 200 pages, I need a sample correction first.

Me: As I said yesterday, I am too busy to take on any more editing clients in the next few months. You will need to find a different editor.

I didn’t hear back, but my freelancer’s senses were still tingling so I asked around. He contacted nearly everyone in the local editors’ professional association. My guess is that he asked each person to do a different “sample edit”, in an attempt to get his book edited free of charge.

> Want to know if freelancing is for you?

I do freelance counseling and assistance for clients who want to get European funds for agriculture development. I got one client who wanted a project to develop his family farm. We had gotten quite far into the preparation when he drops this jewel on me:

Client: What do you mean? I have to sell and buy all my stuff with legal documents?

Me: Well, yes, of course! You will have regular control and audit visits when they will check your company papers.

Client: Then I have to give bills for everything I sell and pay taxes…how am I supposed to make a profit that way?

Me: Yes, you will have to do that, just like any other economic operator. It`s required by law.

Client: Then just drop it, I`m not going to cut down my profit.

I’m a web developer and in this instance my client was the Reverend from a local church, who was a lovely chap. I’d built the first draft of the website, we’d met up again and everyone was happy with it.

I came into work the following day to an email from the Rev stating how he’d liked the site, but had a few suggestions. His “suggestions” were a list of websites that he thought we might like to “skim the code from.”

This reverend obviously never got to the ten commandments section of the bible.

I do some freelance work in video production. A client who works in real estate asked me to shoot and edit a promotional branding video for the agency she works at.

Me: So what kind of music should I look into? What’s the vibe you’re going for?

Client: We want to use any of these songs!

What she sent were YouTube links to very popular Top 40 songs her agency definitely didn’t have the rights to.

Me: Hey, these are great for inspiration, but we can’t use the actual songs because that would be copyright infringement.

Client: Copyright infringement is my bitch :P

She followed that up with a few more links to other songs.

> Want to know if freelancing is for you?

I believe I just finished burning a bridge with a client. She sent me eight photos of people doing yoga with this request:

Client: Hey! I need you to edit these photos so that they’re more “original.” Do you have any ideas?

I’m pretty sure I know what she meant by “more original”; the images she sent all had watermarks and, with a google image search, I was able to find the original artist.  

2015:

Me: Do we have photo to leases for all the photos you want featured?

Client: Don’t spend any time on that. Our public affairs office took care of the releases from individuals and organizations; the customer photos are covered in the service contract.

2016:

Client: Read this from legal it’s urgent.

Me: What’s wrong?

Client: Legal got a call, and we investigated - we don’t have any releases for photos for our next set of annual reports. The contract to customers didn’t include any of the necessary language, so any photos with people in them need to GO. We also need you to go back to the published report from 2015 and remove all the photos from that. It doesn’t matter how it looks, we’re trying to stop a lawsuit.

The following exchange happened between me and a potential client.  It should be noted the potential client does not have any graphic design experience.

Client: What do you use for design software?

Me: Depending on the project either Adobe Photoshop or Adobe Illustrator.

Client: Is that a subscription service or do you buy the software?

Me: I paid for the software like five years ago. Wasn’t cheap.

Client: Is there any way you could make a copy of it?

Me: What do you need it for?

Client: I’m looking to do my own lettering for this project of mine. I had a falling out with my former graphics guy.

Me: You do realize that you’re asking me to pirate a copy of software I make my living on so that you can do the kind of work I get paid to do, right?

Client: No offense. I’m just tired of settling for what I can get other people to do and I keep asking for changes and can never get them to do it.  Never mind, for what little I’m going to do, I’ll just handle this myself.

> Want to know if freelancing is for you? 

I started working as a social media manager for a company who ran a website for aspiring actors who would join the site and be told about productions they could audition for.

After a few days of looking over at the Facebook page of the company and drafting some posts I think would be great, I met the client to make plans.

Me: So I really want to post some movie tidbits and trivia, acting tips, etc. 

Client: No. I don’t want none of those. What I want you to do is post these photos.

The client showed me a motivational photo I’d seen before, of a puddle with some nonsense about crossing adversity. Also a photo with a couple kissing and the caption “Real Relationship Goals.”

Me: I can do that, but these seem a bit unrelated to your company. Also, where are you getting these photos?

Client: I just take them off of 9gag and put our logo on the bottom. 

Me: That’s copyright infringement! 

Client: It’s fine, just use those images and put our logo on the bottom. 

I didn’t last long there. They’re still ripping off other sites left and right.