My uncle contacted me about doing three or four illustrations for his organization’s website. He said the work would be paid, and we agreed on my price, adjusted for family. We corresponded and discussed what he wanted and what I was doing, with copies of my progress sent every now and then to keep his mind at ease.

I sent over some work when we were about 75% complete so he could see how it was coming along.

Uncle: “What are these?”

Me: “Illustrations, like you asked me to do.”

Uncle: “Actually, we were hoping for you to redesign the website. These are nice, though.”

Me: “Well, I can redesign the website, too, but I’ll have to charge a separate fee for that.”

Uncle: “I spoke to some of the other guys in the company. We were hoping that you’d do it for free because you like the company.”

Me: “But you said this was paid work.”

Uncle: “Only to get you interested.”

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Client: “It says my password is incorrect, but I’m sure I entered it correctly.”

Me: “Okay, let’s try to log on with my computer. Can I have your password?”

The client hands me a (poorly) handwritten note with eight different passwords, all thirty-two digits long.

Client: “It should be one of these.”

Me: “You know, there’s really no need to make your passwords that long. Eight digits should be enough.”

Client: “That wouldn’t be very safe, now, would it?!”

Me: “How many locks do you have on your front door?”

Client: “One. Why?”

Me: “Why not ten? It’s much safer.”

Client: “That’s stupid. It would take ages to get into my house.”

Me: “I finished the design for the booklet’s front and back cover. Is there anything you want me to change?”

Client: “It needs to be more professional.”

Me: “What do you mean by that? I need some specifics. Colours, shapes or fonts? What am I changing?”

Client: “You’re the professional.”

Me: “I’m afraid I’m booked all afternoon. Are you free before then?”

Client: “Sure, I can be there in the morning.”

Me: “What time?”

Client: “Any time after noon.”

Me: “That’s in the afternoon, sir.”

Client: “Well, whatever you want to call it.”

Me: “Hey, I’m trying to get your logo set up for embroidery, but I am missing some information. The notes say that the emblem should be hunter green and gold, but I need to know what color ‘gold’ you are referring to. We can do a metallic gold thread — which is not microwave-safe — or we can do a gold-colored thread — which looks gold and is microwave-safe, but it is not a metallic thread — or athletic gold thread — which is the golden rod color that sports teams use. Just let us know if you want metallic gold, gold-colored, or athletic gold. Thanks!”

Client: “Gold thread is fine.”