HOMEPODCAST
SUBMIT STORY

A potential client from a huge corporate meat plant called me.

Client: I need you to design tickets for an event. 

Me: Great! What’s the event?

Client: I want to sell tickets to a football game, but this game is only in our minds, it’s pretend. You know how Mickey Mouse is only pretend?

Me: Yeah, I underst-

Client: (cuts me off) It’s like that, it won’t actually happen. It’s a game between the “University of [meat plant]” and [actual NFL team].

Me: Do you have permission to use that-

Client: (cuts me off) The event will be on August 32nd, everyone will buy tickets to the game, buy t-shirts, the works! Since it’s an impossible date, the other team won’t show up, which means they will forfeit AND WE’LL WIN!

Me: No.

Client: Why not?

Me: It’s literally a scam, you don’t have permission for all of this, and you cut me off every time I sp-

Client: Please?

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I was designing a website for a hotel & Spa. Their clientele is mostly older people so the design had to be clean for ease of use and traditional at the same time. I used big photos, elegant fonts on grey and put menu on white background (they wanted a side menu instead of top one). 
In general they very liked the design but…

Client: Instead of grey please use our company green.

Their company green is C100/Y100. The design went directly from elegant to tacky. 

Client: That’s great! One thing, though: you left white spaces in the design. We pay you for design and leaving white areas is not a design. Please put a gradient under the menu.

So they had me put, yes, a green gradient under the menu. It was hideous, but I feel like I owe this client, because they answered a question I’ve always had as a designer. 

I’ve always wondered what “put more design in it” means. Now I know it means “get rid of the white space.”

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Me: Honestly, with this timeframe and the complexity of what you’re looking for, this is outside the limits of my abilities

Client: Well not if you don’t believe in yourself! Just apply yourself more!  

I bit my tongue so hard it left marks.

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its not that im cheap and don’t want to pay just feels simpler to me not to.
via @forexposure_txt
its not that im cheap and don’t want to…

Me: Okay, my estimate for what you’re looking for is $120.

Client: That seems high.

Me: Well, I’m sorry, those are my rates.

Client: Is this one of those “floating price” things? I think that’s just a dramatic way of asking for more money.

Me: *changes client’s name in contacts to “cheap know it all.”*

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I’m a graphic artist, and several of my clients are politicians. Here are some of the requests they’ve made.

Client: Make me thinner.

Client: Give me more hair.

Client: Remove the bags under my eyes.

Client: Use this photo of my face, but put me in the suit from this magazine—you know, like paper dolls.

Client: I love this old photo of me, but my ex-wife is in it. Take her out and put in my current wife.

Client: Here’s a photo of me debating my opponent. Make me look taller than him. Also, could you make it look like he’s sweating?

Client: It’s important everyone sees how family-oriented I am. Make my wife stand out more. Now make my kids stand out more. Now make me stand out more, because now you can’t tell I’m the focal point.

The best, though, is that this has been an exchange I’ve had with every politician client.

Client: Above all, this has to be unique!

Me: Understood.

Client: Great. Now use the American flag as a background, and make the text red and blue.

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I fix computers occasionally.

Client: Do you look at my data?

Me: Not usually, unless it’s part of the issue I’m working on.

Client: But, there’s client confidentiality, right? You wouldn’t find something and tell the cops, right?

I didn’t take the job.

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I don’t like the icy snow theme you designed, it’s too cartoonish. Can you make it more like Frozen?
I don’t like the icy snow theme you designed,…
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