Client: I need you to edit this logo so that it does not have the little “R” Restricted symbol.
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Everything in this bundle would normally sell for $1600 at under a dollar per element, but for the next week, all 2000+ are just $12. That's a laughable price for this amount of great stuff. Sell one design with one element and it's already paid for itself.
Client: I need you to convert these .mpg videos to .mp4 so that the sound will come through.
Me: These videos don't have sound. I can put a soundtrack in the background if you want, but just changing them to .mp4 won't make a difference.
Client: Ok, no, don't worry about it. We will use them as-is.
The next day:
Client: We need these .mpg videos converted to .mp4 so that we can run them as a loop.
Me: ...
Client: (on Monday) Hey I'm opening a new restaurant on Thursday, I need you to make an 8-page menu in time for opening.
Me: (internally) Hmm. That's a one and a half day turnaround if he wants it sent to the printer in time for opening. If I work like crazy I think I can pull it off.
Client: Also I expect you to be at work all day because we're short of staff at the moment.
Me: Please ready my funeral, I'll be dead by Thursday.
Twist: the client is my dad.
Client: You're not making any updates to the site! I keep refreshing and nothing changes!
Me: Oh, I'm sorry, I should have told you that you need to clear your browser cache to see these updates. Here's how to do it.
Client: Do you expect my customers to know how to do this? You need to make updates that work without clearing cache!
As part of my duties, I run a small voice recording studio for the company I work for. We were once chasing a deadline and the voice artist the client chose could not make it in time to record some additional content.
Me: The voice artist cannot make it on the day we hoped. We will have to manage it with the client and bump the deadline.
Client: Is there really nothing we can do? I don't like moving deadlines we've agreed to.
Me: No. She is not available. But she can be here a day later. I'd say we just communicate with the client that due to the voice artist they want not being available in time, we'll have to move the deadline by one day.
Client: Hmmm. I have an idea!
Me: yes?
I waited for some sci-fi cloning suggestion.
Client: Text her the lines she needs to say. Then, call her, and hold the phone close to the microphone and just record her saying the lines over the phone. Those mics are great! It shouldn't be a problem and you'd barely notice.
Me: (blinking)...
A potential client was praising my portfolio and seemed really keen to get started. They seemed a bit too nice, but then sent this:
Client: As a company, we believe that money is never the answer. That's our company ethos.
I'm not quite sure how they're still in business, but hey.
Client: Each piece of work you'll provide, we'll send our thanks. Could you send some samples because we've been disappointed with previous designers. They seem to leave projects unfinished when we say we're not going to pay money. I'm sure they've got real jobs anyway so it's just a bit of fun.
Ouch.
Me: Why wouldn't you want to pay a designer?
Client: They work for us, not vice-versa. They should be proud to work for a successful company like ours. Are you interested in this exciting opportunity?
Kindly declined.
This client was a friend of my uncle and had a small dental practice website that he wanted to redo. I thought it would be a quick job, but it ended up taking 14 months. Near the end, he started getting ridiculous.
Client: The site looks pretty good, but when you zoom in 300% on Firefox, the font starts to look a little jagged. Can you fix?
I work as an animator as a hobby and sometimes do commissions.
Client: Hey, I was informed you were an animator?
Me: I am, what do you need?
Client: I need a 3-minute animation. Full colours, lip syncing, lighting, and high quality, please
Me: I think I have the time for that. What's your budget?
Client: £1500
Me: £1500? You realize a project like this can take upwards from 4 weeks, and considering the fact it's just me, it will probably take longer.
Client: £1500 is more than generous, and the deadline is 2 weeks since that's when I'll need it.
Me: ...are you asking me to work double time, for around £4 to get it done on your deadline, and have it be fully coloured, shaded, animated and for it to elaborately produced to fit your "high quality" standard, by myself, as a side-gig?
Client: If you're so concerned about working by yourself, hire someone else to help you.
Me: One, I do this as a side-job. Two, you're asking me to pay for you to have another worker but aren't incorporating that into your budget.
Client: You're so greedy and rude, I'll just get my friend to do it. Say goodbye to £1500 and loads of exposure.
Why are people like this?
Me: Sorry, I can't open the filename.exe file you sent as I'm working on a Mac.
Client: OK, I'll send a different version.
Sends same file in a ZIP file.