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Accept payment in stock.. or else.

I work as a freelance sales trainer, I have a track record going back over ten years and clients that use me over and over for training new sales people.  I charge a set fee for the training and then a percentage of the sales achieved by the person over the next two years.  

Last year I was approached by a start-up I had never heard off who asked me to meet with them. 

Client: I won't pay cash, but I can pay in stock in the new company.

Me: Well I'm sorry, but if that's the case this meeting is over. That's a red-line for me.

The CEO physically stopped me leaving the room and said if I didn't reconsider there "would be trouble".  His head of sales said, "You better listen."  I'm a former Royal Marine and pushed him to the ground, and left the room.

He later called the Police and reported me for assault.  The Police laughed when I told them the story. 

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You did what I want but you’ve not done anything

I had a client who wanted a social media strategy so we have a few conversations & worked on one accordingly. She responded with a huge essay lecturing me telling me she has a strategy & just wants a list of action points which I will execute... I should have seen the red flags then, but I persevered putting it down to a miscommunication. We agreed action points & I cracked on.

Action points included posting on social, & doing paid ads.

I go to post on her social accounts, which she gave me access to when we agreed the action points, & I discovered she'd removed my access. I reach out to her to rectify & she tells me she has trust issues & because I hadn't posted in 12 hours (overnight since we spoke) she revoked access. This continued to happen intermittently & I then received another lengthy email this time lecturing me about how I am not posting on social as agreed... 

I also created paid ads with which performed incredibly well, achieving the 2 goals we agreed. She toldme they're targeting the wrong locations (they weren't) & no-one had seen them (reach had surpassed the target & then some). 

As well as all of this she sent me up to 47 emails a day, demanding a response to each, & then texted me to say she didn't think I was doing anything.

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Enhance

It's probably happened a million times, but I can't get over the silliness of this request.

Me: Hey, the image you've sent me is far too small and pixelated. Could you resend a higher resolution one? 

Client: Can't you just enhance it?

What is this? CSI: Freelancer? 

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Detail-oriented oriented

Me: (via email) I'm excited to work with you! I'll do some research and come back to you when I have a pitch,

Client: it looks like you ended a sentence with a comma in your email. This raises some major concerns for me. We need someone who is detail-oriented for this job. Those isn't good enough.

 

 

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Status update: same as it was 45 mins ago…

I recently took on some contract work for an agency who desperately needed help because their projects were falling behind. They needed me to bring their research materials up to speed and get them ready for imminent usability testing. 

Shortly after I started, I received all the repeating invites for status update calls — group video calls purely for the purpose of updating different groups of colleagues on your progress.

These meetings alone took up 8 hours per week. 

I wonder why their employees didn’t have time to do the work... 

Sometimes, working on contract is a stunning view to corporate dysfunction - what's the most ridiculous company culture you've ever observed?
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It’s not rebranding, it’s a “refresh.”

Client: I want to revamp the logo for my catering consulting firm.

For what it's worth, the client was the child of a Michelin star restaurant in NYC.

Me: Sure! Let me send you a questionnaire to assess your needs.

Client: I responded your questionnaire and want to send you examples of the styles I like. But before you start, could you tell me what I’d be looking to spend. I’ve been closed for a year and need to be prudent.

Me: Based on your responses, we’re looking at a full rebranding package with a timeline of 4-5 months. You’re looking to be spending about $X but I am open to negotiating with you. 

Client: No, it's not a rebranding. It's just refreshing and changing the look for a bit of a renaissance from COVID. I'm emailing you my ideas now. Just try to spend minimal time on this so I can afford your services. 

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