I’m a web designer, and I offer a service where I setup a server with a working CMS system on it for 30 bucks. It doesn’t take me long, and it helps bring in clients.
Client: I want a website for my company.
We spoke through all the details and it was a big job. He wanted a site, full eCommerce integration and even a year’s worth of SEO services.
Right before I said goodbye:
Client: Can we talk about the price? $30 is a bit much – I’ve just started my business.
Client: We’ve got a last minute free ad booking with a magazine and need you to prepare a final artwork file for them.
Me: Sure, what are the ad specs, file requirements and when do they need it by?
Client: Why are you bothering me with these questions? Aren’t you supposed to be a creative agency? Use your creativity.
I work at a musical instruments store, and one day someone started a chat conversation on our website like this:
Client: Hi. I have 2 dreams: one is to learn how to play the saxophone, and the other is to pay a $3000 bill that I have. Can you help me? $500 already helps.
Me: …
I was commissioned to do some market sizing for a well-recognized, global financial services firm. The job was to size a market and to identify future growth opportunities for a major report they were doing.
I identified the market size and plotted a growth projection, the client seemed really happy. Two months later the report is published online and I check out our research, all of the figures had been inflated by at least six times creating a significant lie that was attributed to our company.
Me: Hi, I think there’s a problem with the figures in the report, they don’t match our findings, have you gone to print yet?
Client: Work in your own interests and don’t ever undermine me again.
Me: I will always tell the truth about this when asked.
Never worked with him again.
I’m a music supervisor and was working on a video project so secretive they couldn’t release the footage from the edit suite. Every day I had to make the 40 minute trip across the city to look at the new edits, so I could brief my team, with very little information other than having watched the films.
One morning I got a call from the producer on the job – the Executive Creative Director had “something he wants to show me.” I grabbed my notebook and headed over in hammering rain.
The ECD sat in front of a platter of sushi, looking oh so advertising. When he saw me, he grinned and played me the same movie I’d seen before, except synchronised with the track “Surfing Bird.”
Me: Okay, so if this is the direction you want to go, what do you want me to find? Are we looking for a track with guitars? Do you like the pace and energy? What stands out to you?
Client: I don’t know, it just works.
Then he folded his arms, closed his eyes and pretended to fall asleep.
The whole exchange took about 10 minutes. I drove back to my team with no new information except that the ECD is a jagoff.
Client: We need more design in this.
Me: More design as in?
Client: I don’t know. I ate too much rice and can’t think of anything.
I’d spent three weeks on a client’s website, and had redone the design 3 times before eventually paying (out of my pocket) for a template he demanded he wanted instead of a custom build one.
Two hours before the site had to go live, he send an email with a drawing.
Client: This is what I want the website to look like.
Me: It’s a pencil drawing, and the website has to be live in 2 hours.
Client: It will be quick, I already gave you this layout [he was referring to the drawing] so I did most of the work for you.
Me: What about the template you wanted and I paid for.
Client: You can use that for other clients, I’m not paying back what you spent.
I just cancelled the job right there. I was pushed around for 3 weeks and after losing money already I knew he wasn’t going to pay the bill, so I didn’t spend more time on a wasted project.
I run a small Fiverr Gig where I design low poly renders for clients, and one day I get a very simple order.
Client: Hello I would like a jumping kangaroo. The kangaroo is purple and the background to be green. I would like it setup like the bull. I would like it to look like “kangaroohopping01.jpg” but have included other materials as reference.
Me: Alright, I’ll get this out to you ASAP.
Client: Many thanks for your time on this.
Later that day:
Me: Here’s a first draft. Please let me know what changes you would like to see done, and I’ll do them immediately.
I tried contacting him 4 more times over the next two days. And when none of the contacts worked, I delivered the order, which took three days to finalize, because he would not confirm that it was done.
About two weeks later, I got a review.
Client: Good Experience, 3/5 stars on communication.
I’m a real estate appraiser, performing an inspection on a client’s property. The client follows me down to the basement as I’m inspecting. The carpet is rolled up in the corner, the bare concrete is wet, there’s 4 large box fans and a dehumidifier running, and I see little black spots running about 6 inches up every wall.
Me: Looks like your basement had a pretty bad leak during that last storm.
Client: Oh, no, no, we were just… washing the floor.
Me: Uh… huh… Well it looks like you’ve got some mold damage along the walls. I know your bank doesn’t usually lend on properties with mold damage, but I’ll try to do what I can for you and recommend they opt to have me come back for a final inspection to make sure it’s been cleaned and repaired.
Client: That’s not mold.
I’ve taken several classes on house born molds. I’ve seen mold in houses a hundred times. This was absolutely, 100% mold.
Me: It isn’t? Are you sure it’s not mold?
Client: No, no, it’s not mold.
Me: Even if it wasn’t, it’s still some sort of damage, what is it?
Client: It’s… It’s just not mold. I’m positive it isn’t mold.
Me: Have you had a mold inspector check it out?
Client: Not yet, he’s coming tomorrow.
I internally facepalm, while maintaining a smile. He knows its mold. I know it’s mold. He doesn’t want me to know it’s mold. I know far better than him that it’s mold. A few weeks later I receive another order to go back out for a final inspection with one line of instructions: “Verify that the mold has been removed.”
I’m a voice actor, working primarily in narrating audiobooks. I mostly narrate for various publishing houses that cast actors for books, but occasionally take on projects independently.
On the whole, it’s a very fun and creative field of work, but unfortunately, many authors (even experienced ones) have no FREAKING CLUE about what goes into producing an audiobook. It’s a time-consuming, rigorous business that requires lots of stamina and concentration from the actor, and very meticulous editing, mixing, and mastering by the producer. I, like many narrators, often narrate AND produce the book altogether.
One particular author was just so narcissistic and delusional that I just had to share.
Client: I really like your audition - we’ll definitely discuss the fact that the voice for [minor character] was way off-base, but overall, solid work. I’d like you to narrate the book!
I rolled my eyes at the “way off-base” comment, but I shrugged it off and start a dialogue.
Me: Glad you liked it! I typically charge between $XXX and $XXX per finished hour for a book of this word count.
Side note: “per finished hour” refers to the final, edited running time of the book, since raw audio might contain extraneous sounds, such as the narrator taking a sharp breath or swallowing, cough, etc). That final number multiplied by the rate one quotes equals the final pay.
Client: I only offer 70/30 royalty share deals to narrators (that’s 70% for him, 30% for me), which I think is more than reasonable. But it will be lucrative for you - I have a large following and got many good reviews on my last novel.
I checked social media, only to discover that his website domain resulted in a “404 Not Found” error, and he only has 83 Twitter followers and his page was mostly just re-tweets of philosophical quotes. So no following, most likely no sales.
Me: I’m sorry, I unfortunately cannot accept projects on a strictly royalty-share basis. It’s too great a risk for the amount of work that will go into the project. I hope you understand. I really do like the story, so if you’d be at all willing to agree to a flat rate buyout, I will gladly take on the project.
Client: Okay, first of all, there are way too many overly-entitled narrators out there who expect to be paid to just sit in a chair behind a microphone and read a book out loud. I read out loud to my children every night before bed - do I expect someone to pay me to do that? Second, this is probably going to become a movie. I’ve already started drafting a screenplay and will be pitching it to some producers. I can envision Jon Hamm playing the lead role. I was hoping to establish a working relationship with a narrator who would be willing to accept my fair aforementioned royalty share agreement. That is my final offer.
Me: I really am sorry, but I will not be able to commit to the project on those terms. I wish you the best in your endeavors.
I figured that was the end of it. Then, three weeks later:
Client: I have decided on another narrator. Had you accepted the offer, I might have been willing to let you do the opening narration of the movie version when the time came.
Me: ….
Note: This exchange happened 3 years ago. To this day I still haven’t seen the audiobook anywhere online. Hopefully whatever narrator he chose saw the light and bailed.