Client: We want the newest version of Times New Roman. Don’t try to cheat us with that outdated crap.
An absurd request from the Clients From Hell archives!
It’s called Times NEW Roman, after all
Client: What a really good designer would do is pay attention to detail — add drop shadows, gradients and outlines around all of the images and content areas.
A hideous design from the Clients From Hell archive!
“The details” = every bad decision possible
Client: Why is this font a different size?
Me: It's the title.
Client: Why is this a different size, then?
Me: That's a footnote.
Client: Shouldn't they be the same size?
Me: No.
Client: Make them the same size.
Me: ...
Me: So do you have any ideas or colors you want to use in the background of your site?
Client: Yes, I’d like a bulldog incorporated.
Me: Okay… Maybe we could do a silhouette? Or -
Client: I’d really just like a bulldog photo tiled over and over again in the background of the site. You know - to make it look sophisticated.
A skewed notion of sophistication from the Clients From Hell archives!
Client: I don’t like the T-shirt design. I’m going to want my money back.
Me: Why?
Client: The logo turned out black.
Me: Well, yeah - that’s what you asked for.
Client: It doesn’t show up on a black T-shirt.
Me: You said it was going to be printed on a white or coloured T-shirt.
Client: But the black T-shirts were cheaper…
Me: I’m sorry, but I was pretty clear you needed to print on a coloured or white shirt.
Client: Yeah, I remember now. But to afford ordering more T-shirts, we have to cancel your payment nonetheless.
A head-scratcher from the Clients From Hell archives!
Client: Since we're a partnership, we were thinking for the logo maybe you could have my face coming out of my partner's chest, and we're both smiling, and our company name would be above us.
Client: Can you make it so when people land on our website, it’s, like, all black with stars coming out of the screen all whoosh whoosh (does the action) like in that screensaver?
Me: …
Client: With the music from Star Wars.
Me: …
Client: And it does that for, like, a minute, then stops and they have to click on one of the stars.
Me: Any star?
Client: No. No. A specific star that they’ll have to find–make it different every time.
Me: …
Client: Then when they find the right star, there’s like a massive explosion that the site spins out of (does the action), like in the old Batman series.
Me: For your company site?
Client: Yeah.
Me: The company that cleans up addicts’ used needles from parks and playgrounds?
Client: Yeah.
Me: No.
Client: …Well, you’re not much fun.
Client was an art museum, for whom I'd done freelance marketing and design work. The museum hired a new director who is a micromanager. He took a look at concepts for an historic fashion exhibit that had been in development for months before he arrived... and figured his wife could do better.
He came back with her fresh, brilliant, innovative idea: KEEP CALM AND FASHION ON.
He couldn't fathom why I had never came up with anything so exciting.
Client: I already know what I want for the logo. It’s a house, with a face, and it’s on wheels with an exhaust pipe coming out of the back which is shooting out smoke in the shape of dollar signs.
Client: The address in this advertisement doesn’t stand out enough. Make it bold.
Against my better judgment, I comply.
Client: Now the hours of operation don’t stand out. Make them bold.
Me: If I make everything bold, nothing will stand out.
Client: I disagree, bold gets noticed.
To make my point, I bold everything.
Client: Nothing stands out here. Italicize the address.