On a recent project, we submitted a press package that included a stock image (JPEG photograph) of a coffee machine facing the camera. They came back at us with this feedback:
Client: We really like everything, just one thing is bugging us : Can you rotate the coffee machine photo so it will be in profile?
A hidden gem from the Clients From Hell archives.
The client sent me two word documents with the same content, for me to use on the website.
Me: Both the documents have the same content. Am I missing something?
Client: Use the second document. The font is smaller
A ridiculous request from the Clients From Hell archives!
This was about 10 years ago. I was working at a company that built applications used by state governments. This particular application was around getting your birth, death, and marriage certificates. Nothing super fancy, but was my first real dev project.
The app hadn't been live for two weeks when I got a very urgent phone call from my manager on a Friday night. I was being called into a meeting with our VP of IT, a few devs, the admin of the records facility, the Attorney General and Governor of one of the states that used our app. I had an email with redacted emails and chat logs with the customer.
My stomach was in a knot as I read that a customer had gotten access to somebody else's personal information. I was reading through the attached emails trying to figure out what had happened. Long story short, customer ordered a certificate and he received somebody else's birth certificate as well as an email with all the personal information of this other person. I was in full panic mode. We had our QA team frantically trying to replicate this, Sr. devs going through the code trying to figure out where this could have happened. I was still reading through chat logs with the upset customer and checking audit history for when this order was placed. But the weird thing was I couldn't find the rep who helped him in the system at all.
The customer kept referencing how he called and talked to Karen, but nobody was in our system named Karen. I had to stop digging and call into this meeting with all of these people.
As soon as I announced who I was and what I did for the application I was yelled at by the Governor who screamed "I want this developer fired, it's all his fault that we had this happen!"
Luckily I had a decent manager who defended me and explained that I was needed to troubleshoot. So instead of getting fired I just got an earful for 20 minutes. Only then I was asked if there was anything else I needed to say.
Me: So the customer says Karen helped them place the order. Who is Karen?
Client: Yeah, I thought that was weird too, but I didn't think too much of it. Are you going to fix your code or not?
Me: Hold up, somebody is accessing the system that you don't know who? Did anybody ask the customer what website or phone number he called? I'm not sure he even used our system. Can I get the unredacted emails from the customer where the email addresses are still visible?
This resulted in a lot of silence until the governor finally said "we'll get back to you."
Once I got the unredacted emails, it was super easy to see what happened. Turns out the customer had gone through a third party that the Attorney General was trying to shut down for years. He went through them, they scammed him out of a few hundred bucks but ordered the certification through our system. When entering his information, autocomplete put in the other customer's information on the order form. I was told that the Attorney General thanked me for helping them build a case. Never did get an apology from the Governor, though.
Client: This isn't finished at all.
Me: No, I know. It's a rough concept. Like you asked for.
Client: Well it has to be more finished before it goes to print.
Me: I KNOW.
I am a tattoo artist. A client came to the shop and showed me someone else's art.
Client: How long does it take to do this?
Me: I don’t plagiarize, but a similar design could take me X hours.
Client: Ok. And price-wise?
Me: You are looking for a maximum of $XXX.
Client: ... I have time this afternoon, can you teach me how to do it? How did you learn how to do it?
Me: ...
As you could guess, it’s a very demanding craft. I learn every day. I went through a couple of years of apprenticeship, countless hours of drawing... Aiming towards a lifetime of honing all the skills it takes...
Client: Where are you?
Me: Working at home?
Client: The meeting is starting!
Me: What meeting?
Client: The design meeting! You're the designer, you need to be here!
Me: You need to invite me if you need me! There is NOTHING in my inbox about this.
Client: Well couldn't you check my calendar?
Me: I DON'T HAVE ACCESS TO YOUR CALENDAR!
Client: Oh...
Client: Well you should.
WTF!
Client: I need you to reformat this so that it matches our new marketing and logo redesign.
Me: Okay. Can you send the new logo and some samples of your new marketing?
Client: Oh, we’re still deciding on that internally. Can’t you just take a few guesses in the meantime?
Client: I'd like an animated Gif for our latest eshot please, but please use the same image on every frame of the gif.
Me: Erm, that wouldn't be animated if all the frames are the same.
Client: But I just want the one image as an animated gif. I want each frame of the gif EXACTLY the same.
Me: OK, here's your animated static gif.
I just received this email.
Client: Good morning.
I would like to save a copy of our website.
Do you know an easy way to do this? Do you have an option that allows me to create a PDF doc of the entire website in 1 click?
I would like to hear from you.
Sincerely,
Secretariat
I have so many questions.
I was contracted to manage the marketing and advertising efforts of a privately owned chain of dental offices. The dentist owner was a textbook “Type A” personality who didn’t want to be bothered with minutia.
Client: Dentures melt bone. They cause your jawline to deteriorate and change the look of your face. People suffer from dentures. Design a billboard for this. Sell the sizzle, not the steak. Wow me.
I made a billboard with a bright red-headed toothless older woman holding an apple with her dentures lodged into it. The text read: Ditch the Dentures! It took two weeks for the client to look at it.
Client: I give it an “A” for creativity, but it’s too far out there. I don’t think it’s up to the level of care I provide.
I designed another billboard. It was more subdued, with an older woman rubbing her jaw. He took another three weeks before looking at it.
Client: Only 5% of my patients come here because their dentures are giving them problems. I don’t make any money from them. Do a billboard for dental implants.
I did. Three weeks later:
Client: What about people who suffer from dentures?
Our relationship didn’t last much longer.