Client: We were wondering if you could possibly use snowflakes that look a little more masculine.

A blast from the past from the Clients From Hell archives!

I was stuck in horrible traffic on my way to work one morning due to a bad accident, and the road being closed to allow a medical helicopter to land. I called my client to let them know I'd be late.

Me: Hi, I’m almost at the office but I’m going to be a bit late as there’s been a bad crash and the road is temporarily closed. 

Client: Can’t you go around the accident?

Me: Nope, the cars are gridlocked on both sides of me.  

Client: Can you ask them to move the helicopter out of the way for you, just so you can get past?

Me: Uhmm, no. 

Client: And you can’t leave your car and walk? 

Me: Definitely not. I can’t just leave the car in the middle of the road. 

Client: Okay, but next time this is going to happen please leave home earlier so you won’t be late again. 

Okay, I’ll be sure to check my crystal ball every morning as soon as I wake up...

Client: Hey, take a look at this other designer's work.

He showed me a bunch of work that was frankly garbage. 

Me: (politely) This... well, I would say there are a few things this person needs to learn yet.

Client: Hmm... Okay.

Me: Why do you ask?

Client: Well, I was thinking of hiring someone full-time and I know this guy.

Me: If you did that, would you keep me on contract?

Client: Probably not, no. 

First time I've unwittingly sat on my replacement's interview committee. 

Client: I've seen all these colors before. Show me a color that nobody's even seen. 

It's probably happened a million times, but I can't get over the silliness of this request.

Me: Hey, the image you've sent me is far too small and pixelated. Could you resend a higher resolution one? 

Client: Can't you just enhance it?

What is this? CSI: Freelancer? 

Me: (via email) I'm excited to work with you! I'll do some research and come back to you when I have a pitch,

Client: it looks like you ended a sentence with a comma in your email. This raises some major concerns for me. We need someone who is detail-oriented for this job. Those isn't good enough.

I recently took on some contract work for an agency who desperately needed help because their projects were falling behind. They needed me to bring their research materials up to speed and get them ready for imminent usability testing. 

Shortly after I started, I received all the repeating invites for status update calls — group video calls purely for the purpose of updating different groups of colleagues on your progress.

These meetings alone took up 8 hours per week. 

I wonder why their employees didn’t have time to do the work... 

Sometimes, working on contract is a stunning view to corporate dysfunction - what's the most ridiculous company culture you've ever observed?

Client: So before I send you a description for a dozen or so illustrations, I want to send you the full story to read. It's just a few hundred pages of text.

What's the biggest time sink a client has asked you to do for free? 

The client sent multiple reference photos that they liked before the photo shoot so that I could create something similar using their products. They told me I had creative control on how to take photos, and that I didn’t have any restrictions.

After the photos were delivered, the client complained about the props (wrong colors apparently), style (not enough/too many props), and “lack of pop”.

I sent a detailed email pointing out their responses to my questions, how I had no restrictions and, most importantly, similarities in styles between the reference photos that they liked and the images I provided.

Client: In future, if examples provided are taken literally then we will need to go through them.

Me: ...

I am still not entirely sure how reference photos are supposed to be taken if not literally.