Client: I hate gray. This gray is out of the question.
Me: (thinking on my feet) ...Okay. How about this "pale black"?
Client: We want a patriotic image. Find stock images of US Navy crewmen in their white uniforms.
We looked everywhere to find a stock image that satisfied the copyright criteria and were unable to find anything. After four rounds of revisions we said so:
Me: We can't find the very specific image you're looking for. Frankly, we can't find any stock images of US Navy crewmen in any uniform, much less the white ones. Maybe you can go with a set of creative that signals a more generalized patriotism, or maybe a different branch of the military?
Client: Oh that's fine, you can use their blue uniform.
Client: How much do you charge to photograph my apartment for Airbnb?
Client: Would you do it for £120?
Me: Are we haggling?
Client: Um, yeah... I guess so.
Me: Okay, let's start again.
Me: Ask me again. I didn't realize we were haggling.
Client: Okay... Um... how much do you charge to photograph my apartment for Airbnb?
I was a freelance Graphic Designer while working part-time for a decade. Due to irritating clients I wrote into my terms and conditions that disputes resolved with a tutorial PDFs by me will result in an additional charge of $50 to the job.
Client: I need this logo you designed me for my zip seal tea product to be smaller. I don't want to pay the printer that much.
Me: Did you want to change the materials of the stickers or print direct onto the packet instead of stickers?
Client: No I need the matte stickers I specified. Just make them to size of your thumb instead. I can print that and stick it on to my bags of tea myself (550g and 1kg packets of loose leaf tea).
Me: I would advise against that as the customer will need to squint to see the logo and will not be able to see the logo properly from the aisle.
Client: Why is that? Seems quite logical to me. Why would they squint?
Me: Should I send a PDF tutorial explaining?
Client: Well all right, you seem to not be able to make sense on the matter.
Clearly I needed to take extra steps.
Me : I sent a PDF with pictures I captured of me in supermarket aisles comparing the products I could identify clearly from walking and compared to my thumb size.
Client: Ahhhh, ok well that makes sense. I guess I'll have to pay for the original size then.
Later, after billing:
Clients wife: My husband wants to know why you have charged him an extra $50 than what was quoted.
I explained the PDF terms and conditions on the contract.
Clients wife: (yelling at her husband while still on the phone to me) She charged you more because you are an IDIOT!
Client's wife: (to me) Don't worry I'll pay you myself.
The client was grumbling and muttering to himself in the background while his wife finalised the payment.
The marketing department of a well-known charity got in touch with an urgent request for an online ad campaign. I travelled to their head office a few days later and went through the brief. It was an exciting opportunity and a cause close to my heart.
Client: This is really quite urgent, so we'd appreciate a swift response. We've had two other designers let us down recently, so we're really behind schedule.
The deadline was in four weeks' time.
I send a design proposal the next day. One week later:
Client: We love your ideas! We need to discuss them internally, then we'll be in touch. Brilliant work!
Two weeks later:
Me: Just following up on the proposal as I'm aware the deadline is fast-approaching. If you could let me know, that would be great.
Four weeks later, I assume they've found another designer. Fair enough - onwards and upwards.
Three months later:
Client: Hi! We're still keen to have you on board! Are you available? Let me know ASAP!
Me: Yes, I have limited availability this month - please let me know what you need.
One month later:
I have a nagging suspicion that this ethos may extend to their accounts department. Noping my way out of this one.
Client: I want our app to be accessible. In the settings, I want our users to be able to turn on a colorblind-friendly mode, like an option they can tick.
Me: You'll be happy to hear I have already designed the app to account for several different visual impairments! It is already colorblind-friendly.
Client: Yes, but how will our users access that mode? We need an option in the settings so colorblind users can turn it on. Like a "colorblind mode".
Me: But the app is already colorblind-friendly. So when users turn on the colorblind mode... what exactly is supposed to happen?
Client: I don't know.
I did a character illustration for a client and he decided he wanted to add a background. He asked for a mountain in the background with some woods and sheeps wandering about. So I did that. Took me about a week of work.
Client: But... are you sure that´s Křiváň?
Křiváň is a specific mountain in Slovakia, where I don´t even live.
Me: Oh, no, it´s not. That´s not a specific mountain. It´s just a generic one. You didn´t say you wanted Křiváň.
Client: Oh I know I didn´t say that, but I thought it would be!
Me: Why did you think that?
Client: Well I thought it would look good with Křiváň! You should have done it! I was imagining it that way.