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SUBMIT STORY

Not Too Bright

It is the late 90s and I am a software developer who also gets brought into a lot of web projects. Many clients don't really understand the 'net at all:

Client: The page background is too dull. It needs to be a brighter white.

Me: It's already #ffffff; that's the brightest white possible.

Client: It's still too dull. Fix it.

Me: Try turning the brightness control on your monitor up.

Client: ...That fixed it! That's great!

Followed by...

Client: So how do we turn up the brightness control for everyone who visits the site?

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Buy Benny And Bjorn, Get Agnetha and Anni-Frid Free!

I'm an in-house designer for a large, international corporation. Although the company is well-established, the design team is new and 'design' is handled by whichever secretary has some free time and a knack for PowerPoint. A common job request is to design printed invites for client hospitality events. On this occasion, we are treating some clients to a performance of the stage musical 'Mamma Mia!' I get this request from a secretary...

Secretary: So we're taking fifteen clients for dinner, and then to see Mamma Mia. Can we get a nice invite to send them? Just stick the poster on the front, and I'll email you the text for the back.

Me: *Confused.* I haven't designed a poster for this event...

Secretary: No, silly, the poster for Mamma Mia! You can get it off Google, no problem.

Me: I'm afraid we can't use the show poster as that would be copyright infringement. It would be very obvious we'd used it without permission and would make us look very unprofessional. Besides, it doesn't fit our corporate branding.

Secretary: Oh. Can we not get permission to use it? I mean, it would be like free advertising for them.

Me: In the highly unlikely event that I manage to trace and contact the copyright owner, I very much doubt the global theatre phenomenon Mamma Mia is going to care about free advertising for a handful of businessmen who already have tickets.

Secretary: Oh, okay. Can we Google a picture of ABBA instead?

Me: No, we can't use any images off Google! They're all under copyright. I mean, unless we licensed something at hundreds of pounds for one small invite. But anyway, that wouldn't match our corporate branding!

Secretary: Oh! What if we use a picture of just two of ABBA? Would that be cheaper than all four?

Me: ...No. Look, how about a nice picture of the Greek island where Mamma Mia is set? We can afford that with our Getty subscription, it will match our brand, and most importantly won't infringe any copyright.

ExecSec: Oh, alright. So is this new then? This copyright thing?

Me: Er, no?

Secretary: Well no one told me about it when I used to do the invites. Must have just been from when you started.

Me: *Giving up.* Yep. Sure.

Even though the firm actually gave mandatory copyright training to everyone, I thought it best to quit while I was ahead!

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Trying To Penetrate His Reasons

I create a slide deck for a client and am given this feedback:

Client: This word analysis. Change it to survey or review or something.

Me: "What's the reason?"

Client: "Well, I'm not gay or anything like that, but all I see when I read the word analysis is anal."

Me: "Would you be satisfied with probe?"

 

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Take A Page Out Of His Book

I had a client, retirement age, who was looking for a website for his new business. It was a pretty simple website since he was just starting so I quoted him a basic package of up to five pages. He sent over content for us to get started; it wasn't a lot so it really only warranted one page, broken up into sections. We designed it fairly quickly and emailed the dev link for review. 

The client calls with some simples edits and he is referencing where the edits are by page numbers. I was super confused and kept asking him for the sections titles so I knew where he was talking about. I soon realized he had printed his website and therefore was referring to his page numbers. We finally got through his edits when he asked if according to the quote he could have another page.

Still confused, I then realized that since his website was printed on 4.5 sheets he assumed that he has met his page limit for his website.

I didn't want to make him feel stupid so I told him adding an additional page wouldn't be a problem. I guess there is a first time for everything!

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People In Front Of The Screen May Be Stupider Than They Appear

A creative director once looked over my shoulder as they walked by.

Creative Director: “Print those web banners out at 100%, and bring them into the conference room.”

Baffled, I printed them out and brought them in.

Creative Director: “What the h*** is this? I said print these out at 100%!”

They angrily gave me the “come here” finger and walked over to my computer, grabbing a ruler on his way.

Creative Director: “Do you see this? This is what size they need to be printed!”

What's the stupidest reason you've ever been yelled at?
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What Did They Think The Samples Were For?!

A client found my website and asked for a voiceover service based on one of the many samples that I have available. We discussed all the project details and kept talking about the best sample and tone for his video for a few days. After I delivered the files:

Client: Oh, your voice doesn't sound native. I mean, it's a little bit odd. I think that you are not a good fit for our video campaign this time. I would like to get a refund.

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Can We Get This Person A Second Brain, Too?

A few years ago, a coworker came to my desk to ask if I had a Windows install disc, as he thought that something had gone wrong with a recent update, and now his computer wasn't booting properly. I said sure, and I asked what it was doing, to which he replied that it was just booting to a black screen.

I came with him to his desk, disc in hand. Sure enough, his computer was clearly on, as was the monitor, and it was a black screen.

Coworker: I've just rebooted. It makes the POST beep, but then it's just black and I can't log in. I figure something screwed up with the latest update, so I just want to repair Windows with the disc.

I nod. Pretty reasonable to try. But then I turn slightly to the left and...

Me: Oh, well, your second monitor isn't on.

Coworker: Huh? Why would it be?

I reach over and turn on his second monitor, and the Windows login appears instantly. My coworker's jaw hits the floor.

Coworker: Wait, I didn't change any cables! Why is that one connected now?

Me: Well...they both are. You have two monitors. 

Coworker: You mean a computer can be connected to two monitors?

Me: What? Yeah, of course! You've had two monitors for almost two years. Did you not know that? What did you even think this second monitor was for?

Coworker: I thought it was just a spare if the first one broke.

What's the most technology-inept coworker you've ever dealt with?
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For The Last Time, “Enhance” Only Exists On TV!

I'm designing a website. The client sends me a whole load of photographs that are dreadful; they're 200px by 200px, and badly taken. We advise them to get a professional photographer in to do some decent shots, preferably in a studio.

We get a bunch of really bad photographs of people against a white wall somewhere in the office.

Client: These photos look awful, and the people look awful in them. Can you do something in Photoshop?

Me: No, not really, because they're just bad photos. You need good photography of these people.

Client: But can you change stuff. Can you change the photos?

Me: We could, but they'd be better photos of other people, not these people.

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Allow Me To Show You The Door

I used to do architectural visualization. This firm hired me as a freelancer to create multiple illustrations of new condo buildings, including exterior shots, interior shots, floor plans, etc. Lot of work laid out in a well-defined contract, with costs agreed upon. Half the fees needed to be paid upfront, and the other half at the very end (after final approval). Everything went relatively well until the final payment was due:

Client: I cannot pay you the final amount. You see, in architecture, costs are calculated per door, and with the money that I gave you in the beginning, that more than enough covers for the work.

Obviously, I had created tens of rendered images of the same building, which they considered to be the same doors, so the same work, thus refusing to pay for the actual amount of work that had been done.

After a bit of back and forth, the client kept acting like a condescending twat and I had to give up most of the amount. Lesson learned.

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Who Edits The Editor?

I was working as a contract copy editor for a well-known music magazine. The managing editor told me he had conducted a telephone interview with a fairly famous musician and wanted me to edit the transcript for clarity, in other words to take out all the "um"s and "uhh"s and generally clean it up for publication. I got to work, and began reading the transcript. About halfway through, the musician began telling a story that became increasingly pornographic and explicit, using a number of four-letter words and extremely demeaning language.

Me: I don't think we can run this section of the story, it's not really appropriate for our publication. At the very least we'll need to censor it.

The client begins laughing hysterically.

Me: What?

Client: Yeah, I know. He didn't actually say any of that. I just threw that in there to make sure you were really paying attention. If you didn't flag it, I was going to fire you. I do that every now and then to make sure people are doing their jobs.

Me: Okay, well... great?

I was amazed that the editor of a major publication would intentionally add errors to his copy just to "test" his staff. Fortunately, I didn't stay there long.

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