HOMEPODCAST
SUBMIT STORY

DEFCON-4

I both love and hate working with musicians. 

Me: I'm pretty busy right now, this might take me 2, even 3 weeks at this point. Is that okay?

Client: Yeah man, I totally get it, what with the pandemic and all. That's all cool, we're not really in a rush.

About 10 days later on a Sunday...

Client: Bro WE ARE ON DEFCON-4 WITH THIS, we need it SOON!

I crank it out. Radio silence for more than a week.

Client: Sorry dude, mental physical and spiritual health week. No phone max chill total escape.. sent the stuff to the guys get back to you soon always nice to have options. Thanks again man!

Wouldn't want DEFCON-4 to interfere with Spiritual Health Week.

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Little girls shouldn’t play with phones

I worked in an office where all the phones were connected. If you didn't answer a call, it would divert to the next phone, and the next, and so on. On this day I was the only person left in our part of the office as it was standard to have one person stay back at lunchtime in order to cover the phones while everyone else was out. I was the second-in-command in our marketing department and at this time was working on an advertising campaign for the Guardian newspaper with an ITV television spot, so I didn't mind working through lunch to get it finished.

The CEO only worked in our office once a week and was a fairly well-known personality in our industry. Thus, people often tried to get his attention to invest in things or help their family members start a career. On this day, a call for his phone came through to mine...

Caller: Hello, can you put me through to [CEO]? He's expecting my call.

Me: (knowing this is a lie, because CEO never works in the office on this particular day) I'm afraid he's not here at the moment. 

Caller: Right, can you give me his mobile number? I'm a close personal friend so he won't want to miss my call.

A close personal friend who doesn't have his personal number? Sure.

Me: We're not able to give out his personal number, but I can put you through to his other office in case he's there.

Caller: Just put me through on his direct line, he's expecting me.

Me: I can't do that from here as it's not an internal number, we need to direct you through reception at the other office.

At this point I'm thinking the guy is trying it on and knows he won't get through a receptionist because he doesn't know the CEO at all and doesn't have an appointment. I'm already determined not to give him anything, but then he digs himself even deeper.

Caller: What's a little girl like you doing answering his phone, anyway?

Me: Excuse me?

Caller: Little girls shouldn't play with the boss's phone. Put me through on his direct line or you'll get in trouble!

Me: Okay, have a nice day, sir! 

I cheerfully hung up. Thankfully, he didn't call back.

Yuck. Has a client ever made you feel like you just went for a swim through an oil slick?

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Struggles of a Voice Actor

I'm a freelance voice actor and get my fair share of bad Customers. Many of them don't have a clue about the job and thus don't offer to pay fair prices. 

Client: Hi There.

Me: Hi. What can I do for you?

Client: Came across your gig and I like your voice! Would love to have you for my Project.

Me: Thank you. I appreciate it. Tell me about the Project.

Client: I want to start a YouTube channel on health, I wanted to know if you can do a voice-over, I will provide the script. Each video will be about 10 Minutes. I will pay you per video. Can you do that?

Me: I can do that. My rate depends on how much text I will need to record for each video and the Rights Buyout. Before we move forward, what exactly is your budget for the project?

Client: I'm looking at $5 per script

Me: Oh. Good luck with that.

Client: Thank you! So when can you start?

I didn't respond and sincerely hope, no one will take that job offer. This is a joke.

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Client is too lazy / idle to send me a written reply in response to my message that I have finished their website.

A client asked me to replicate (plagiarize) a website. I worked hard to create a site that had the key features of his example but which wouldn't violate copyright and sent him an email letting him know it was finished. He left me a voicemail in response.

Client: Thank you for your work, but it's not finished. I really need it to look like [other site]. Please make it look more like that site in a professional manner you would be comfortable with.

Um, I did. 

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Coworker becomes CFH with one small title change

A colleague of mine had a lateral title change and with that transition acquired a sense of arrogance that borders on harassment. 

At first, it was harassing me to drop projects to focus on hers with no lead time, strategy, and often missing key information like specs, assets, or messaging. I asked for a brief to make it simpler on us both, but was met with defensive indifference. 

To avoid a brief and my pushback for more information, she started doing her own designs often using my templates and not the guidelines.  I'd ask her about that too but was dismissed so I decided to "opt" out of trying to prioritize creative for her side of the team because she preferred to work independently and was demeaning towards me whenever I tried to help or guide her. 

I suggested she own sourcing images for her own email (which she does 95% of the time anyway without me because she doesn't want to listen to me) and she made a big thing of it.  She said it should only take me an hour and she shouldn't spend that time doing it because her time is very valuable (inferring mine was not). 

Her supervisor said that they hired me to assist with this initiative (which I agree with and do since I designed the layout and image templates for the email) but because of that said I should always be available to help (which I am but seriously it's the most backwards approach to production I've ever witnessed in 10 years of working).  Overall the exchange was very unprofessional on there side and was met with a lot of finger pointing and taking zero accountability for the communication methods or approach. 

Essentially, a coworker got a non-promotion and BECAME a client from hell out of nowhere. Mind-boggling.

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Client will never send me a text message, always voice messages

I have a client who won't use email (my preferred platform for communication), insisting on using Facebook messenger. 

The most infuriating thing is he will never just write a text message to me in Facebook, it is always a voice message. They're always a full minute long, and sometimes he sends several at once. 

He sent me a bunch on Sunday. It's bad enough reading emails on Sunday - 10+ Facebook voice messages are not okay. I will ignore this message to teach him that I have other clients, not just him.

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When the universe tells you to run…listen

I am a frequent copywriting subcontractor to a small marketing agency run by a really nice man. His client, however, was more than a bit of a tool; he thought he was the smartest man in any room, and his business and his ethics left a lot to be desired.

I was hired to write 3 web pages. Every draft of his less-than-original business concept went through multiple drafts as he had to run them by his fellow “experts” in the field.

He criticized word choices that were not used in the drafts, asked for content already covered, and suggested I used "strong" words like “comprehensive” and “all-encompassing.” [wtf]

Once I sent the final drafts, I happily sent my invoice to the nice guy and put this client in my “never again” file. He contacted me weeks later, explaining he needed a brochure in a matter of days, and basically asked me to plagiarize a brochure he sent me.

Trying to blow him off in a professional manner, I (honestly) explained that I had other projects on my plate and did not have the bandwidth to take on his project in his timeframe. To which he responded:

Client: What do you mean by no bandwidth? No internet access? And why is this an issue.

SMH. Dodged a bullet there.

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It’s perfect except for…

I'm a graphic designer and one steady client I have is this promoter who hires me to make posters for all her shows.  

First, she sends me thumbnail photos of her talent and wants to use this in full sized posters. She has no idea what "high res" means.

I usually contact the talent to ask them for higher res pics, but the promoter lady usually hates them.

I design the poster, send it to her, and infallibly, every single time, she sends it back with more or less the following comment: 

Client: I love it honey! If you just change the pic, the font, the colors and the layout, it'll be perfect!

Eventually, I stopped fighting. I now do everything she asks for and gave her very specific instructions to not tell anyone who's designing her posters. I refuse to have my name associated with the crap she puts out... but I still got bills to pay.

 

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Mission creep

I haven't worked full-time as a graphic designer for years, but still do CD covers, website graphics, posters, and print and web ads for friends in the local folk music community on a very low-key word-of-mouth basis.

I got a call last week asking for a simple update to a CD cover I'd done a year or so ago, as the client was releasing a single from the album.

Client: I don't need the design changed at all. I love the poppies we had, but I just want to change the photo we used because there's a field of different kind of flowers in the new music video I just made.

Me: No problem. All I have to do is replace one layer in the Photoshop file. What kind of flowers do you need?

Client sent a Word file with a dozen photos of flower fields and the links to the photos online.

Client: I can't decide between these and I don't remember which ones are free.

I copy and pasted all the links to see the photos, and chose three likely candidates. Client chose one and happily didn't balk at paying for the pic. I swapped out the new photo into the appropriate layer and presto! I should have been done.

Client: I don't know if I like the tall cosmos flower being on the right. What would it look like if you turned it around?

I mirrored the layer and sent it back.

Client: But now I can't see enough of the sunflowers in the foreground.

I Photoshopped another bloom into the foreground.

Client: I don't know. Now I can't see the tall flower because the song title is on top of it.

Which is why I chose the particular photo in the first place... it went very nicely around the typography of the song title. I undid the mirror and put it back the way it was.

Client: Where'd that other sunflower go?

I put that extra bloom one more time on the other side.

Client: You know what? The sky in this picture isn't as blue as the sky was the day we were shooting the video. Can you make the sky bluer?

I got a photo of a gorgeous bright sky with puffy clouds and drop it in behind the flower field.

Client: Oh, that's perfect! But you know what? I need to have the publishing info for the songwriter added to the picture. Can you fit that in?

I resized the ornamental text frame, erased some background to accommodate the larger size, and added the publishing info.

Client: I don't know if that's big enough. It looks awful small. The website where I want to run the ad has small ads.

Me: Oh, you hadn't mentioned that. What size are the ads?

Client: I don't know. I guess I'll have to call them and ask.

Me: I'll go to the website and download their ad specs.

I did so. The ads ARE small. I changed the publishing line. Everything fit and was legible. 

Client: This is great. I just need to have the running time of the song in there for the ads to the DJs.

I resized the ornamental text frame again, erased more of the background to fit the new size, and added the song time. I should totally be done now.

Client: I need one without the time for the ads on the industry website.

Fortunately I never used the original for my working copy, so I still had the one without the time. I figured now I'm done.

Client: Maybe I should have the record company website in there too.

I went back to the one without the song's runtime, shoved some text around, and added the record company's URL. Am I done yet?

Client: Can I have the one without the record company website too? I might need that.

Like I said... I never mess up the original file. This is why. I wonder if I'm done?

Client: These are wonderful! Please send me copies of all of them in the right sizes for Facebook and Instagram and Twitter too. Oh, and you're going to bill me, right?

Why, yes, now that you ask. Yes, I am.

 

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