Client: Some board members want the logo to glorify God more.
Me: Doesn't beauty glorify God?
Client: God it up.
Client: Hi there, I understand you provide sales consulting ?
Me: That's right. I offer packages of different training based on the type of sales operation and what you are seeking to achieve
Client: We need a 300% lift in sales by the next quarter
Me: Well that's quite a target, how many sales people do you have at the moment.
Client: None, we also need you to recruit those.
Client: I love everything you have proposed, and the price seems reasonable. Let’s move ahead as quickly as possible!
Client’s husband: We are not doing any of that. It’s too expensive and we don’t need the work done!
At this point, they started bickering between themselves.
Me: here is my card. Talk amongst yourselves and please call me if you would like to go ahead, or if you have any questions.
The husband walked me to the door:
Client’s husband: We’re not going to call. You don’t have the job.
Months later, the client called:
Client: I’m surprised! It’s been a few months since we met and I haven’t heard anything from you regarding scheduling. I actually assumed the work would be done by now.
Me: Well no. Your husband told me you were not interested.
Client: Oh, don’t listen to him. No one else does.
A client wants to appear on the top of Google Search and asks me to run AdWords for his off-shore business. One Sunday evening at 9 PM I receive a frantic phone call.
Client: My business’ ad does not appear at the top of the page. What am I paying you for?
Me: We agreed to set an ad schedule to only run ads during working hours.
The next morning at 7 AM I receive another phone call.
Client: My ad is still not showing at the top of the page!
Me: It’s still not business hours.
Two hours later:
Client: Why don’t I see my business’ ad when I type in the search terms? It is supposed to show on top and we don’t even feature anywhere on the first five pages!!
Me: We agreed to run the ad only in [off-shore location]. Unless you are in that location you won’t see the ad in search results.
Client: Are you telling me that if I want to check up on your work I must go to that location?
Me: No. I send you a weekly status report with statistics from AdWords and Google Analytics.
Client: Let’s change that. I want to always see my ad on top when I search in Google.
Me: ...Do you want to increase the budget from $160 to $800 per month?
Client: No. I would prefer if we spend less than $100 per month.
Me: Perhaps you should consider using a different service provider.
Client: Don’t get snippy with me! Have you seen what the other service providers charge?
I haven’t fired the client yet, but I did set my phone to automatically go into ‘silent’ mode between 5 PM and 8 AM.
I was working on a 1-minute animated instructional video for an app. Project was on a time crunch and a budget, so I skipped the storyboard and went straight to the animatic.
Me: To save time, I made the assets I'd like to use in the final animation and put them in here. So if you like the aesthetic, I can just animate what's here in the next phase.
Client: Looks dope! Yes!
They make a payment. We do a round or two of edits. I finish the video in time for their deadline. No complaints, until I call for the last payment.
Client: It looks the same as the storyboard.
Me: I explained at the time, we're using those assets in the animation.
Client: But it's not, like, an animation. It looks like PowerPoint. I could have done this.
Me: It most definitely isn't. PowerPoint can't do this stuff. But if you think it's not good or effective, maybe we can...
Client: Listen, I think it's good, and the message is perfect. And we're going to use it.
Me: So, why are you choosing to not pay what you agreed to?
Client: It's just not animated!
It's animated. I guess they were expecting Disney?
This client had contacted me several months beforehand asking for information about commissions, yet never responded to the answer I gave them. Here's the latest correspondence:
Client: I'm looking to order a portrait. What are your prices?
Me: Thanks for your interest. Commission prices vary depending on size and commission type. Here's a link that gives detailed information about what formats and sizes I offer. Let me know what size you're interested in and I can provide you with further details.
Client: Don't know what you mean by 'format', but I'm looking for something somewhat big.
I get the impression that communicating with this client will be like pulling teeth.
I was working on delivering a number of comms pieces for a program driven by a launch date deadline. One piece was a brochure to be handed out at the launch event. I managed to get a first draft of the brochure with content laid out two weeks before the print deadline.
Me: Please see the first proof attached and supporting content doc. We are quite ahead of the deadline but as there are so many pieces in play and they all feed of this, it is worth signing off now.
Me: (a few days later) I sent you a proof a few days ago, do you know when you will be able to review this please?
Me: (about a week later) Hello. Getting a bit concerned about the brochure as I haven't heard anything back and other materials rely on the information in here. Can I please have your feedback?
Two days before the print deadline, I received a marked up Word doc of the content with tracked changes. Practically everything was commented on, but the majority of the comments were just questions like 'Why is this here?' or 'change the image' or my all time favorite 'please revise' with no indication of what to revise it to or why.
The icing on the cake was a note in the email saying how we really needed to think about how to speed the process up as she was worried about the impending deadline.
Me: Ok, so you'd be supplying all the content for the site? Copy, photos etc?
Client: Yes, sure. As I take the photos I'll download them onto a USB drive and you can come fetch that from me and bring it back again so I can transfer the latest batch onto it.
Me: Um, why can't we email the content?
Client: No, it's much easier for me if you collect a USB drive.
Me: I'm sorry, but I don't have time to drive 30 minutes to you for a USB when these can be emailed.
Client: But this is what I'd be paying for.
Me: I'm a designer, not a courier.
Client: Well, I don't think I'm being unreasonable with this request.
Me: You're welcome to drop off the USB yourself then.
Client: Oh no, my time's too valuable for that. You have to come collect it.
It was at this point I knew I would be emailing them later that day to decline the project.