Clients from Hell

Me: Okay what colors would you like?

Client: Rainbow.

Me: Nothing specific or…?

Client: Yeah, pretty much every color except red. Red isn’t very easy on the eyes.

I’m working with a client that is holding an arts and writing competition for kids to write about the Holocaust. This year’s theme is about the 1936 Berlin Olympics, which were the last games before WWII and were referred to as the Nazi Games.  For the formal invite to the awards ceremony, the client wanted to use an image that they thought was the medal that was given out at the games, but was actually a piece of Nazi propaganda – it had an Iron Eagle with a swastika on its chest above the Olympic rings.  In an effort to steer them away from this, I created a Star of David design made out of pencils, pens, paint brushes, etc. - you know, things that kids might use in an arts and writing competition.

Client: I love it, but we really need to use the other image as it has been used on other material and we need brand recognition.

Me: Are you sure?  I mean, it’s got a swastikaon it and we’re sending this to teachers and students…

Client: Yeah, but we already sent out some materials with that image, so we need to use what’s already out there.

Me: Does it need to be on the cover?  Can I use it on the inside?

Client: No, it needs to be on the cover.

I insisted the client meet with an acquaintance of mine, a holocaust survivor, to help explain the issue. After stating that it’s offensive and it would offend others…

Client: Ok, I guess I can see your point. So let’s try a compromise.  Let’s cover up or remove the swastika and put the remaining image inside your image.

Me: So you want to put an Iron Eagle inside the Star of David to make it less offensive?

Client: Yes.

After another round of discussions…

Client: Ok, let’s use your image, but we need to jazz it up somehow.

Me: Sure…

Client: I just don’t think your image is universalenough to appeal to non-Jews and we want to be clear that the contest is open to kids of all faiths.

Me: Because the Jewish star is too inclusive and not as universal as the image of a swastika on the chest of the Iron Eagle?

Client: Right.

My studio was hired by our client to create a new website and update the existing brand created by their in-house designer. They never mentioned this to their in-house designer.

Upon reviewing the new design comps for the website, the in-house designer responded:

Designer: This isn’t [client name]’s brand…if you remove all of the logos, fonts, color palette and photos…there would be no branding here!

I’m an illustrator and I’m currently working on a poster for a client.

Client: The boy should be tall and lanky, taller than the others, and with bad posture. Make him really skinny. He’s supposed to be 2-3 years old.

Me: You’re saying the boy is supposed to be 2-3 years old, skinny, and taller than everyone else?

Client: Yes. Make him look childish.

Me: A childish 3-year-old, taller than the adults?

Client: Yes. 

I did some work for a televisual design company that wanted to print a promotional brochure. I was tasked with the project because I come from a print background, and I was reporting to the head of design for the company. I came up with some designs with some images grabbed off the reel.

Client: This is great, but the images that you’ve picked…well, they’re not very punchy.

Me: Would you like to me pick some other images?

Client: Oh no, these are perfect, it’s just that on-screen they look so vibrant.

Me: Well, that’s because the images use backlit RGB and printed media uses CMYK, so they’re obviously going to look more muted.

Client: What if we printed RGB?

Me: Same result. Red is just a mix of magenta and yellow, green is cyan and yellow and blue is cyan with a touch of magenta.

Client: What if we printed using fluorescent inks? Like used a fluorescent red, a fluorescent green and a fluorescent blue,

Me: You’ll end up with brown, or something weird and ugly. You cannot create backlit colours on paper.

Client: This is going to work, I cannot believe that someone hasn’t come up with this before.

Me: It won’t work.

Client: Trust me, get it done. Get a test printed, you’ll see.

Me: So you want me to split RGB into three process special colors before I print them as plates? It’s going to cost a lot of money and it will look shit.

Client: Do it.

I phone a printer who I have used countless times because they will print anything and are great problem solvers. The print guy on the end of the phone laughs, but says he’ll only do it if the client speaks to him directly to give him approval. The test goes ahead and we get sent back a muddy, dull image with unreadable text.

Me: Sorry, but print just doesn’t work like that.

Client: You did the separations wrong.

Me: The printer did them.

Client: He doesn’t understand television.