Clients from Hell

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April 07, 2014

Me: Would you like this poster designed in landscape or portrait orientation?

Client: Yes!

April 06, 2014
"I realize you can’t read my mind, but do your best."
April 03, 2014
"I’m looking for a logo that is not immediately recognizable as our company."

— Literally the entire creative brief my client provided

March 24, 2014

After sending a brochure layout to a client, the client called me in an absolute tizzy because page three contained “too many widows!”

Me: Okay, let me take a look…

I open the file and can’t find a single “widow” on page three.

Me: You said page three, correct?

Client: Yes! There are too many widows! I can’t stand widows! You need to fix them!

Me: I’m sorry, but…

Client: Too. Many. Widows.

Me: It’s just that I just don’t see any…

Client: At the end of line 3, and line 7, and line 9, and line 22! They’re there!

Me: Oh, you mean the hyphens?

Client: Hyphens, widows, whatever

Client: In the first proof you sent me, the blue is too dark. Now it’s too light.

Me: Do you have a sample of the blue you would like?

Client: The blue needs to be the colour of the sky on a beach in Turkey.

March 17, 2014

This conversation happened over a period of about a month, as it took them so long to reply each time. 

Client: I need you to draw a picture for me.

Me: Okay. What will this picture be of?

One and a half weeks later.

Client: Do you know the Chinese Cherry Blossom flower?

Me: Yes! What about it?

Another week later…

Client: I want you to draw it for me.

Me: Can you be more specific? As a logo? A header? A specific design?

Another week later…

Client: I want you to draw a Chinese Cherry Blossom flower for me.

March 06, 2014

Logo designs were presented for a grassroots group dedicated to creating an alliance between local food producers and farmers.

Me: I’m sorry to hear that the committee doesn’t find the logo designs inspiring. I wonder if you could give me some more guidance? All I have for feedback is that “they need more oomph.”

Client: Well, they’re just a little plain. Can’t you add a knife and fork? Or maybe a wheat sheaf? The group felt they need a little jazzing up. Anyway, we’re not really sure what we mean. But you’re the artist, so hopefully this will help you refine it.

February 27, 2014
"Will the website expand to my screen? I’ve currently got approximately 85mm of space either side of my 360mm wide screen."
"Please re-send this word doc as a word doc."

My editor. I assume he wants a .doc and not the .docx I sent him. But still…

February 23, 2014
"Looks great, but please change “attendees” to “attendees.”"