Clients from Hell

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March 06, 2014

Logo designs were presented for a grassroots group dedicated to creating an alliance between local food producers and farmers.

Me: I’m sorry to hear that the committee doesn’t find the logo designs inspiring. I wonder if you could give me some more guidance? All I have for feedback is that “they need more oomph.”

Client: Well, they’re just a little plain. Can’t you add a knife and fork? Or maybe a wheat sheaf? The group felt they need a little jazzing up. Anyway, we’re not really sure what we mean. But you’re the artist, so hopefully this will help you refine it.

February 27, 2014
"Will the website expand to my screen? I’ve currently got approximately 85mm of space either side of my 360mm wide screen."
"Please re-send this word doc as a word doc."

My editor. I assume he wants a .doc and not the .docx I sent him. But still…

February 23, 2014
"Looks great, but please change “attendees” to “attendees.”"
February 22, 2014

Client: The presentation looks great.  Just a couple of fixes. Can you make the slide titles follow [example] format? And make the plot axis labels bigger?

Me: Sure.

Client: That’s much better.  Can you add slide numbers?

Me: Yep.  

Client: Yeah, that’s looking great.  Can you change the colors on the plots to [example]?

Me: No problem.

This actually continues for a couple more iterations.

Client: Okay, great. Yeah, it’s looking really good.  Just needs a little touching up and it’ll be ready to go.

Me: Sure, what does it need?

Client: …Well, I guess it’s fine. It’ll be okay.

Me: I’ll make any changes you want done. What is looking unfinished to you?

Client: No, it’s okay, I guess it’ll work.

Me: Are you sure?  I’ll be happy to change anything you’d like before we put it out.

Client: No, just go ahead and submit it as is. Once you’ve finished any remaining changes. And a polish. 

February 20, 2014

I was a retoucher for well-known catalog.

Client: I need you to warm up this hand, it’s very cold.

Me: This hand is actually extremely warm, it doesn’t match the rest of the skin - I’ll balance it out.

Client: I said it was too cold.  Warm it up.

I took out some cyan, added some yellow, and laughed at how neon and almost out of gamut the hand was.

Client: Why is it more red?  I said to warm it up.

Me: Usually, more red and yellow means warmer, while more blue and cyan means colder.

Client: I meant that the model’s hand was cold in the studio. Look how red it looks! That’s because it was too cold in there that day.

Me: So I’ll just “warm it up” by making it look cooler?

Client: Yeah, that’s great. Why was that so hard?  Didn’t they teach you this in art school?

February 17, 2014

Subtleness is next to godliness

I’m a copywriter. I was at a meeting with a pair of clients who weren’t happy with what I produced for their brochure.

Client: (1) We don’t like your writing. It’s too ballsy, braggy and makes us look like we are too full of ourselves.

Client:  (2) Yeah, yeah. Tone it down. You make us seem as if we show off. Be subtle!

Me: Ok, I’m hearing you. Let me know what you want me to point out about your motorbikes…”

Client: (1) Well… we invented the category, now we reinvented it again, as we always do when we launch a new product. There’s literally no one close to our product’s standard. It’s unparalleled. There’s no terrain or turf worldwide that our bikes can’t handle. They’re the ultimate in any and all aspects. Basically, every part is new, redesigned, or both.

Client: (2) Be sure to repeat all this -

Client: (1) But this time be subtle!

February 04, 2014
"I’d like the one pictured, but I’d like it 20% more dramatic."
February 01, 2014
"Can you make the arrows less masculine?"
January 28, 2014

The hippo needs to look adorable and friendly… but EDGY! You know?