Client: “I don’t like the type.”
Me: “What don’t you like.”
Client: “I don’t like how it goes all to one side.”
Me: “You mean ranged left.”
Client: “Yes, yes, arranged left.”
Me: “How do you want it?”
Client: “To be the same on both sides.”
Client: “I don’t have to justify anything for you. I own the fucking company.”
Client: “I don’t mean to sound racist, but…”
Me: “But what?”
Client: “But the site is too black.”
Me: “Like, literally too black?”
Client: “Yes. The background is too black.”
Me: “That’s not racist. That has nothing to do with race.”
Client: “Phew. I can never tell with you black people, what’s offensive and what’s not.”
Me: “I’m actually Lebanese. And, yeah, that one might be a bit racist.”
I was at the airport, ready to leave for vacation when I got a panicked phone call from a client. She stated that the video I sent her - part of a large marketing campaign - was missing the sound. After a lot of shouting and threats on her part, I agreed to go to her office try and fix it.
After being escorted into her office, I played the video and double-checked her computer’s sound options. Then I unplugged her headphones. Then I billed her for my missed flight.
At 3am, after finishing a website template for a client who had to have it “by 6am their time,” I sent an email letting her know that it was finished. The next day I get a call:
CLIENT: I don’t appreciate you staying out all night when you should be working on my project.
ME: I’m sorry? I was working all last night. As you can see, I sent you an e-mail -
CLIENT: I see that. At 3am. Do you think it’s okay to party all night and then work without sleep at 3am? It’s very unprofessional and morally reprehensible.
ME: What makes you think I was out partying?
CLIENT: Why else would you be up at 3am?
ME: You gave my 24 hours to do 18 hours of work. I had to stay up
CLIENT: Don’t try to use math on me!
After sending two invoices for payment, I sent another and called the client when the receipt that they had received it came back.
CLIENT: Why are you calling me?
ME: You haven’t paid and this is the third invoice I’ve sent.
CLIENT: It’s even more than the last one!
ME: Yes. The contract you signed stated that I would add a late fee for payment.
CLIENT: You mean I have to actually pay you? I thought you were joking!
ME: What on earth made you think that?
CLIENT: You’re a freelancer!
CLIENT: Well, you work for free! If you were supposed to be paid, you’d be called a paidlancer or something!
THE CLIENT IS ALWAYS RIGHT
CLIENT: I’m not too sure about the blue…
ME: Actually, that’s green.
CLIENT: Who’s the client?
CLIENT: And what color is it?
CLIENT: Right. Now let me see what other shades of blue we have.
We settled on pine-tree ”blue.”
I was rounding off an Instant Message chat with a German client. I intended to say “Let me know if I can help further”. Instead, my clumsy fingers typed and sent the following before I could stop myself:
ME: Let me know if I can help fuhrer.
Client: Can we change the heading font to more acrylic?
Client: Can we change it to more of an acrylic style font? You know, like slantways.
Me: Oh, you mean italic?
Client: No, I think its acrylic, please don’t correct me again. The slanty-‘i’ in word, you know. For acrylic.