April 2011
Upon reminding a client that she only needs to click once to activate a link, rather than the double clicking she was doing:
Client: “When did you change that? It’s always been double click until today!”
Client: “Can you spell out for me my user name again? I can’t log in.”
Me: “a-d-m-i-n”
Client: “abmim?”
“Can we use the Harry Potter font?”
Me: “We went with the PMS red you saw earlier.”
Client: “That’s disgusting.”
“What do you mean “payment”? You told me you were freelancing?”
“I have a church video I need done. Here is the idea in a nutshell: I will need a...”
“I always hear you guys picking on Arial. Who is this chick? She must be severely...”
“Is there any way of injecting subliminal messages between the pages? Like,...”
Me: “How can I help you today, ma’am?” Client: “Is e-mail internet”? Me: “I beg your pardon?” Client: “Is e-mail on the internet? I have no internet, can I still read my e-mail?” Me: “Well yes, you must be able to get online to view your e-mail.” Client: “Oh, dear. I can’t see my e-mail.” Me: “Well,...
“Is there any way to make it so that ebonics shows up under the Google Translate...”
Client: ”Legal has informed us that our bacon bits don’t have enough real bacon to comply with the FDA standards, so we can’t say the product has ‘bacon.’” Me: “How much real bacon does the FDA require?” Client: “2 percent. So if you could just put ‘great bacony taste’ or something, that would be perfect.”
“I want you to go to Google images and search for “male ice skating coach...”
“The concept is World of Warcraft, but Christian.”
“Can we have some spare blank pages on the web site? Just so that we can fill it...”
“If I die, I want you to use this password to get into my account and tweet...”
“I want to remove the email address, phone number and any other contact...”
Client: “Make it so the right column reads downwards, “COCK” and then “TAIL” and then “HOUR”. Then put the hours, 4-5.”
Me: “Sure. You want a little bit of a sexual suggestion in there? I get that.”
Client: “Great. And can you make the COCK red?”
“Think of it as a dating site for preteens.”
Client: “I want it to be kind of like ‘fish in the sea’”
Me: “‘Plenty of Fish?’”
Client: “Ya, plenty of fish in the sea”
Me: “There is already a ’Plenty of Fish’”
Client: “I know. And they’re all in the sea.”
“Can you use a mossy green for the borders and text? That way, customers will...”
“How can I get a silvery image on my website like the ones on the front of...”
My client asked me to create a website for his 16-year-old daughter, for her birthday. The only design direction he had for me was a picture of the chinese-script tattoo on her lower back, and a message that said “I don’t know, she wants this to be the homepage”.
Obama's Chin
Client: “So we want to make the client laugh in our next presentation. We should put balls on Obama’s Chin! Can you find some balls and photoshop them onto his chin?”
Me: “Uh, well, I’m not really comfortable with doing that kind of research…”
Client: “Why not? It’s just comedy.”
The client ended up photoshopping it himself…...
“It’s silly and ridiculous that you can’t just copy and paste their e-store items...”
“I can explain it for you, but I can’t understand it for you.”
“Can you make it sound more purple?”
“I’ve replaced the logo you designed for our website with clipart from google....”
“Can you make the drop-down menus on the site only work when the someone wants to...”
“The person in the picture recently had a sex change. Can you remove her bulge?”
“The only problem I have with the pages load so fast you can’t even tell they’re changing. Could you put a page in between the pages, so it takes longer to load?”
After a month of 3D work on an underwater scene with two fishes talking.
“I like the look of your design, something is not right though. There is a beautiful screensaver with underwater pictures, why don’t you just use that?”
“We want a state of the art website with all the functions and everything, so how much do you think that will cost? please bear in mind we are Jewish.”
“We want things to dance on our site. No, literally can you go out and record people dancing and just put the dance only on there?”
“Do you believe in GOD?, and would mind designing us a free church flyer. You will go to heaven for this.”
“Could you fix the original image for me to support squishing?”
“Facebook, Twitter, YouTube. We’ll beat all of them in a month!”
“We need lots of sluts on the homepage.”
“When I search for my name on Google, page 49 shows naked women. Can you change...”
“Can you do a review of the site that our in-house web designer made? I’ll pay...”
“Can I suggest that you give us a glossary of your jargon, so we can all speak...”
“How much would you charge for that? Bare in mind, we’re in a recession.”
“Can you make the red of that traffic light more red? Google ‘red’ to find...”
“It’s not that we don’t want to pay you, it’s just that we are doing everything...”
Client: ”What is LG?”
Me: ”LG is a company based in South Korea. They started with electronics and moved to appliances and other areas. They’ve gotten to be a pretty well-respected business.”
Client: “I don’t want any of that Japanese crap.”
Me: ”Korean. They’re Korean.”
“I don’t want a logo, I just want you to write the name of the product in Arial.”
“The use of plain white pages in the document is distracting.”
“I’d rather not sign a support agreement. This is all stuff you should be doing...”
“The site can be built with PHP or Web 2.0”
“It’s missing some professionalism. Can you add some?”
“Rather than choosing one of the layouts you presented, I’d rather have the site look different for each visitor. Preferably like their favorite website. I know that sounds tricky… but you can get that information from their bookmarks, right?”
