May 2010
Client: “I would like to have our home page come up with some information in a hockey puck that flies around the screen. I’d like the user to have to chase the puck with a hockey stick for a cursor and whack it to let them in the site.”
Me: “I’m going to do everything in my power to talk you out of doing that.”
April 2010
Client: ”When this gets printed, what sort of colors get mixed together?”
Me: “Well, anything that gets printed is basically a combination of black, yellow, cyan, and magenta ink or toner…”
Client: “That’s unacceptable! I’m printing these for boys, not girls. Magenta is a girls color. Take the magenta out of your printers and replace it with red....
“Can we articulate the idea of the nexus of conversation a little bit more...”
Client: “Sorry to cancel at the last minute, but we felt your contract was just… too legal.”
Me: “Well, I should hope so… what exactly was the problem?”
Client: “I mean it’s not very flexible - you ask for payment on such and such a date with this 5% monthly penalty if we don’t make it… it’s all just too legal.”
Client: “What’s that paint software you are using at the moment”
Me: “It’s called Photoshop CS4, and it’s more than just some paint software!”
Client: “Could you make me a copy of it for my 6 year old son to mess around on? He does likes painting”
Me: “Er… no, that’s piracy and it’s licenced to me and my company”
Client: “I’ll provide you with a...
“Why aren’t we ranking higher on Google? Our name starts with A, and this other...”
“I like the logo, but can you try a version instead of black type, can you make...”
“We’re switching from the AIDS thing. I’m talking with some people out here [in...”
”That part about the 2009 economic environment and the recession…that just sounds so negative. Is there any way we can tweak that, or reword it to make it positive?”
Client: ”I don’t want to use non moving buttons on the website for navigation. Buttons are going the way of the dinosaur.”
Me: ”What would you like me to use?”
Client: ”A looping movie where the customer has to click on the fast moving objects to navigate through the site. It will keep them on their toes.”
Me: ”…”
Client: “So, how much does a logo cost?”
Me: “It depends. Usually around [price].”
Client: ”What if I said that I am actually a Haitian, would you then do it free for charity?”
Make the user work for it!
Client: ”I want you to put the search box at the bottom of my website. I’m tired of all those websites that have them at the top, it’s way too ‘in your face’. I want my visitors to really want to search.”
Me: ”Umm..you want them to search for the search box?”
Client: ”Exactly.”
Client: ”I need a logo for my protection agency, it’s named [XXX] after that type of dog.”
Me: ”Okay, well what I can do for you is draw up a stylized version of that dog and—-.”
Client: ”—No, no dog. Whenever people have dog logos they think of Micheal Vick.”
Client: “We love the movie you’ve created for us, but it’s just not working for us”
Me: “Ok, what would make it work?”
Client: “We want it to go viral! It needs dancing babies or unicorns”
Too much information
Client: “My arse hurts.”
I got this text from one of my clients at about 11pm on a Thursday night. I deliberated for hours on whether I should text back or not, knowing that the client would realize at some point that he had accidentally sent such a personal text to his web designer. In the end I chose to ignore it. We haven’t spoken since.
“I want you to make an advertisement that is, well… basically a lie, because that...”
“Can you just work half as hard on my job as you would normally do? Then maybe I...”
You know what’s really great to come across when looking for a pen in the desk of a client whose computer you’re doing IT work on? A handgun.
As a favor for a client I did $75 of production work for her friend. After 3 months without payment I received a check in the mail for $7.50 with a note that said: 1 of 10.
“People with money don’t like orange.”
Client: ”We like your proposal and enthusiam, but we really can’t afford you. How much would you charge to rent out your computer?”
Me: ”Excuse me?”
Client: ”Our Sales Manager is pretty creative. We could just have him come to your office on a Saturday or something and knock this thing out.”
Me: ”You don’t want to hire me, but instead want...
[After handing a client an invoice for a rather large re-brand job]
Client: “The problem with this is that you’re one of those freeloaders, aren’t you?”
Me: “Freeloaders? Do you mean freelancer?”
Client: “No. You’re a freeloader. You went through university to learn all this artsy-fartsy stuff on my hard-earned taxes so we can call this work a...
Regarding a Flash preloader on a site that shows a speed limit sign going from 1 to 100:
“We love everything, but we need to change the speed limit sign; we don’t want our clients to think that they are allowed to drive that fast.”
Client: ”I want a re-design on one of our customers print ads.”
Me: ”Ok.”
Client: ”It needs to be done, approved by customer and sent to the printers before noon.”
Me: ”It’s 11:45.”
Client: “Let me ask you something. How hard would it be to have a bunch of shapes, like rectangles, squares, other polygons, go into a perfect circle”
Me: “You mean to have a rectangle transforming into a circle?”
Client: “No. All different shapes, flowing into a circle.”
Me: “Contained in the circle?”
Client: “Flowing into it. All...
Client: “We need to get this all translated into Italian.”
Me: “Ok, well we’ll need to get a price for the translation.” Client: “Can we not just do it in house? I’m sure between us we can speak Italian.”
“I need you to render me a banana.”
“Okay, sounds good.”
“No, not a banana - the taste of the banana.”
“It seems as though every time we ask you to do any work, we have to pay for it.”
Client: ”Obviously we need the site to be deeply spiritual. The use of a cross is obvious and although perhaps over-used we would like to go with that… Also perhaps some Saints, figurines… You get the idea?”
Designer: ”Do you have any specific Saint’s in mind?”
Client: ”No, just run with it… after all we all worship the same god...
“Yeah, and farmyard noises when you roll over each of the buttons on the menu!”
“I will need a weeks free trial to see if I like the website then I will decide if I pay you or not.”
Marketing Emails
“We want to know who opens the emailer and when they do we want to hit them with another email straight away, striking while the iron is hot. And for those who don’t open it we’ll send them an email too asking why they didn’t open it.”
Client: “You’ll never make any money if you’re always charging for every little thing that you do!”
Intentional Typo
Client: “So please make the ad say ‘Thursday, June 18, 2010.’”
Me: “Don’t you mean Friday, June 18 2010?”
Client: ”No, see we have the Friday confirmed but really want the Thursday. So let’s make the typo intentional, that way it works for whatever date we end up with.”
The annual reports theme was “Executing for Success” we supplied the client with images of elite athletes performing. tag line under the year was “Striving for Perfection”.
Clients Response: “I don’t think that the images are right. Let’s change it to a group of Navy SEALs emerging from the water, and then make the tag under the year — ‘Elite...
Client: ”I want a flash on the tub saying 100% free.”
Me: “Err, you can’t say that. That means you’d have to give it away.”
Client: ”Look - It’s twice the size, so you’re getting 100% free.”
Acc handler: ”No, you see if you say 100% free—”
Client: “--look, I haven’t got time to explain this to you, just...
Me: “Your FTP password is literally one of the five most commonly used passwords in the world.”
Them: “I guess great minds think alike!”
Owner: “Have you seen this website before? [points to MailChimp.com]”
Me: “Yes, it looks good.”
Owner: “I want to do something just like this but with resumes, make it look exactly like this.”
Me: “You mean the layout, or mascot concept, or what? Which part is appealing to you?”
Owner: “All of it. Copy this site EXACTLY. That...
Client: “We can have the text skid across the page and when it stops, pennies will shoot out of the back of it, like out of a tail pipe.”
Me: [Silence]
Client: “Or we can have a hand shake the screen, and pennies will kind of fall out of it down the screen.”
Me: “….Well, we’ll certainly take that into consideration, and provide some additional...
“Hi, sorry I haven’t gotten back to you, but I’ve been in jail for a few days. I...”
After seven frustrated attempts to teach our client how to insert products in his virtual store (something easier than sending an e-mail, and he was no Informatic newbie), I patiently sat down with him and asked which point of the operation he was missing. He answered:
“Everything.”
“But have you already tried to insert any product? Have you tried reading the instruction...
“I don’t know what I want until I know what the final product looks like. So, I...”
Client: “Can you have these wireframes done by tomorrow?”
Me: “Possibly. Can you please send me a list of the functionality required for this site?”
Client: “Sure:
Dashboard Comments/What are you doing? Inbox / Outbox / Sent Items Post News Files Repository Pictures Tasks Manager/Reminders (e-mail reminders) Calendar (Birthdays, Trips) Work Play/Hobbies Dating...
“We need a picture of our potatoes bravas for the cards you’re making, but we dont have one. They kinda look like these (there is an attached photo of potato wedges with a huge watermark) but drizzle more aioli on top.”
Business Meeting Subject: New Automation Software.
Client: “I want you to write a software package that will allow us to create client websites automatically. The site needs to allow for multiple upsells after the checkout is complete. And I want to build 5000 a week for clients free and give them away. I need that in 30 days.”
Me: “We can do that but given the complexity of...
$50, no way!
Hello, I am looking for a web designer to build a web site for my band. Here is a list of the essential elements, in no particular order: -Band Bio -Photos -Tour schedule -Email capture form for fans to subscribe to our mailing list -Booking contact info (phone # and email address) -Audio/Video page including MP3s (stream + download) and YouTube videos All of the above content will be...
“It’s like Facebook, but for dogs.”
“I need a design portfolio website but have no time to do it myself. I am looking...”
“I just need you to update our site with the new logo but we’re already over my...”
Client: “Why have you cut my seven-page press release down to just one page? What was wrong with the first one?”
Me: “It was seven pages long.”
