March 2010
We created a brochure of a park for a client in which we put a picture of the park on the front.
Client: “The image is too environmental.”
“We can’t use this design at all. The background clashes with the trousers I’m...”
A client calls at 5 minutes to midnight and whispers “is it too late?”
Client: “ETA for getting the new header coded? Chris was under the impression you could hit the “code header” button and it would be done by now.”
Me: “Can you get me one of those?”
Client: “I need a web banner to go on randomsite.com”
Me: “OK, no problem. What are the specs?”
Client: “Specs?”
Me: “Yeah, you know, width, height, files size limitations what you want on it. Basically all of the information so we don’t get it sent back to us.”
Client: “Jesus Christ you always complicate things, why can’t you...
“Can you tell me what time you are going to bed tonight? I need to know when I...”
Client: “What is the adress of the website?”
Me: “It’s www.*****.com”
Client: “You must be mistaken, where is the ‘@’ ?!”
Client: “I need you to illustrate 360 jokes for my book.”
Me: “Ok, what’s your budget?”
Client: “I don’t have much, I can pay X”
Me: “That works out to be less then minimum wage for me per illustration.”
Client:” But thats ok, you probably do this stuff for fun anyway right? Artists just sit around drawing for hours working this...
Client: “I heard you are the one that can help me with anything.”
Me: “Thank you, how may be of service?”
Client: “I have this site an Indian team built for me, but i doesn’t work. I need you to fix it for me ASAP.”
Me: “That’s quite a lot of work. I can do it, but it will take [amount of time] and will cost you [amount of money].”
...
Client: “It should be a very stylish site. You know, our director is very stylish and all…”
Me: “Ok. What kind of style?”
Client:” She likes steel colours and black and white. Oh, and we’ll be taking pictures of our employees to put on the web site!”
Me: “You could probably take those pictures in black and white and we’d make the...
“You’re making this too complicated when it’s really quite simple. All you have...”
The client needed a print ad made for a fundraiser. The ad needed to predominantly feature: “A picture of a cracked safe with a masked robber on a Harley Davidson motorcycle riding out of it with a stick of dynamite with a lit fuse.”
“I think your fees are reasonable and I do look forward to working with you if I...”
Client: “Did you receive your payment?”
Me: “Yes, but there is a small problem.”
Client: “What is that? You got the cheque right?”
Me: “Yes, but you postdated it 6 months…”
While reviewing a quote for a rush job that would require working through the weekend, client commented that paying extra seemed wrong. His famous last words:
“I’m giving you a break from your family for two days, why should I be paying for that?”
Client: “Well, you just made a terrible mistake. We never want black or hispanic people in our advertisings. I’m sorry if this may sound a bit racist..but we are.”
The Internets
Me: “The logo on your website does not need to be that large. It is not on a truck going 90 mph on the highway.”
Client: “Yeah, but it is on the information super highway.”
“Change all text in safety calendar to a kids font like Comic Sans, we want it to...”
“I want them to be rectangles, but I want them to have the feel of a triangle.”
“When I used to get RFPs during our web development days, I would always refer to...”
– Jason Fried
Client: “$50?! That’s kind of steep don’t you think?”
Me: “No. It takes me about two hours to draw them.”
Client: “Well, what’s your hourly rate? I need to save money.”
Me: “$25 an hour.”
Client: “Good. I think we can work with that.”
“Can you make the S into a dollar sign?”
I was working for a client for free as a favor to a colleague, to help flesh out an initial product idea this person had. The client would take me to lunch (and pay) every few weeks for our meetings. When the project got to a point where significant design and engineering work needed to be completed, I presented the client with a contract, if he would like me to continue with his project.
Client:...
“Can you change the color of the headline? Black text scares old people.”
Client: “The ad with the big digits is fine. But I don’t like the 9.”
Me: “Why?”
Client: “It looks like a 6 upside-down.”
Client: “The masthead has been changed why did you change it. It doesn’t look right.”
Web Designer:“I am sorry, I am not sure I understand what you need. Can you be more specific with why you think the masthead has changed?”
Client: “I don’t like the tone of this email string and I will not respond to you until you change your tone.”
My client, the lolcat?
Client: [in an email] “Plz moves this link closer to teh paragraph and teh headings close to teh start of the text”
Me: “We will need to buy these images to use them for the site.”
Client: “Why don’t you take them from Google images ? It will save us money.”
“It looks too slick and polished. We want the piece to look as though it hasn’t been designed by a designer”
The client has sent a picture taken from their cameraphone and wants to use it in a A4 brochure.
ME: “Hello, I’m phoning regarding the image you sent earlier. It’s way too small, it’s only 640x480 pixels. Ideally we would need something 10x that size. Also it’s out of focus and essentially we can’t use it. It would look pretty terrible at A4 size.”
...
Client: “I’m the client! You can’t MAKE me agree to the schedule!”
Me: “But it’s in the contract you signed.”
Client: “So what!? I’m the client!”
Client: “So, can’t you write anything? Look at the pictures and write some poetry. The pictures are so alluring. Words should flow. If I give you any information, then you’ll only copy-paste it.”
Me: “But, we need some information.”
Client: “I will either give you money or information. Choose what you want carefully.”
The BBC
Client: “We would like our commercial to run on BBC1.”
Me: “The BBC are not a commercial organisation. They don’t run ads.”
Client: “Well you are supposed to be the big media-man, you need to get us on BBC1!”
Me: “No one can run commercials on the BBC, they don’t show commercials.”
Client: “So we can totally own the BBC if...
Email Marketing
“Can you remove the ‘Unsubscribe’ Link?”
Client: “Ok, for my album cover I’ve got the perfect image. It’s my girlfriend, and she’s sitting on her bed in red lingerie with photos of me all over the place, and they’re all on fire, and she’s screaming as she tears up a photo of me and dumps it in a marble bowl.”
Me: “Er, okay, can you send me that image?”
Client: “No, you have to...
“We can’t put this children’s game on our site because it uses dice. Dice are also used for gambling, and gambling is a sin.”
Not exactly a client story, but a job applicant story. One woman, in response to a job listing that the firm posted for a graphic designer, sent a very unique portfolio. Almost the first dozen pieces were mediocre photo-manipulations of her face on other women’s bodies, posing with A.J. MacLean from the Backstreet Boys. One featured her head awkwardly pasted on top of a nude woman receiving...
I did a timer for an auction based website. Client after the review: “I want people to feel the urge to bid… Can you make the seconds go faster?”
Classic client answer to any question involving two options:
“Well, let’s try it both ways and see how it looks.”
“Can you make it so the emails that get sent can’t be forwarded?”
For a round DVD Disk Label: “Can you rotate the design by 1/8th of a circle, we like that angle better.”
“I have a old website, but I want a new one. Is there any option to sell off the...”
One client called me this morning. After a brief discussion and proposing the price, suddenly he said :
“I’m sorry, I thought freelancers work for free.”
“The site flows too much. It needs to be more ‘boxy’ so people know...”
The User Illusion
“I was wearing a red shirt and jeans in that video I sent you. Can you put me in...”
A chocolate coin company email’d me asking for a quote for a new website.
I told them my price, and they said “Can we pay in Chocolate coins? They’re better than real money, they’ve got chocolate inside too!”
I really like the CD cover you made, but my guitar looks out of tune.
Mozilla steals design from firm after getting an... →
Client: “I googled my name and there is some nasty stuff about me on the Internet. There is this guy saying in his blog that I am an idiot. I want you to remove that blog and block the Internet if they write shit about me.”
Us: “We cannot do that.”
Client: “Well, get someone else to do it then. I want every nasty stuff about me removed from the Internet today, and...
