The client needed a print ad made for a fundraiser. The ad needed to predominantly feature: “A picture of a cracked safe with a masked robber on a Harley Davidson motorcycle riding out of it with a stick of dynamite with a lit fuse.”
I was working for a client for free as a favor to a colleague, to help flesh out an initial product idea this person had. The client would take me to lunch (and pay) every few weeks for our meetings. When the project got to a point where significant design and engineering work needed to be completed, I presented the client with a contract, if he would like me to continue with his project.
Client: “That is too much. I can’t afford that. You know, you’ll get a lot of money when the product sells millions.”
Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t work on that speculation. I really can’t work further on your project without a contract in place, stating that I will get paid for my design and engineering work.”
Client: “It’s too much. But I would like to invite you to my house on Saturday.”
Me: “For…? Is there a special occasion?”
Client: “I just want to show you how poor I am, and that I have no money to pay your fees.”
The client has sent a picture taken from their cameraphone and wants to use it in a A4 brochure.
ME: “Hello, I’m phoning regarding the image you sent earlier. It’s way too small, it’s only 640x480 pixels. Ideally we would need something 10x that size. Also it’s out of focus and essentially we can’t use it. It would look pretty terrible at A4 size.”
Client: “Ah, I see. Can’t you do anything with it? Can’t you work your usual magic on this?”
Me: ”I’m afraid not. It simply is not of a high enough quality that I would recommend using it on an A4 magazine advert. If we could get a high resolution photo taken by a professional photographer then maybe we could go further from there.”
Client: “Can’t you just wave your magic wand and make it better?”
Client: “Ok, for my album cover I’ve got the perfect image. It’s my girlfriend, and she’s sitting on her bed in red lingerie with photos of me all over the place, and they’re all on fire, and she’s screaming as she tears up a photo of me and dumps it in a marble bowl.”
Me: “Er, okay, can you send me that image?”
Client: “No, you have to make it in Photoshop, ‘cause we broke up.”
Not exactly a client story, but a job applicant story. One woman, in response to a job listing that the firm posted for a graphic designer, sent a very unique portfolio. Almost the first dozen pieces were mediocre photo-manipulations of her face on other women’s bodies, posing with A.J. MacLean from the Backstreet Boys. One featured her head awkwardly pasted on top of a nude woman receiving a back massage from the pop star. Needless to say, she was not hired.
Client: “I googled my name and there is some nasty stuff about me on the Internet. There is this guy saying in his blog that I am an idiot. I want you to remove that blog and block the Internet if they write shit about me.”
Us: “We cannot do that.”
Client: “Well, get someone else to do it then. I want every nasty stuff about me removed from the Internet today, and make sure nobody can write bad things about me. I want you to control the Internet.”
Us: “We can’t control it and neither can you.”
Client: “Right, if you won’t do it I’ll find someone who will.”