December 2010
Looking For: Stories of Betrayal.
We are in search of some fresh new stories of betrayal to feature in our upcoming Clients From Hell Book. If you have any experiences, stories, rants or anecdotes you want to share, send them in!
We recently upgraded one department from wired to wireless mice. Client: “I just want to make absolutely sure you understand: I didn’t do it!”
Me: “What?”
Client: “Someone cut the cord on my mouse…”
November 2010
The client and I had just begun our meeting when he pulled is iPad out and started playing elevator/baby-making music at the highest possible volume. I laughed at first, thinking he was kidding…except this continued for the next 30 minutes during our meeting. It was an extremely awkward situation, for all 20 of us in the office.
Client: “Why haven’t you changed the website yet? I gave you the information an hour ago! You’re so slow, I might have to think about other options.”
Me: “Have you tried refreshing your browser?”
Client: “Ah, much better, you’re fast!”
“What is a ballpark estimate for getting my site ranked first on Google for the keyword ‘Google’?“
Me: “We’ll send the PDF file over this afternoon.”
[An hour later]
Client: “OK. Do you know what time the cab will be here with the PDF file?”
Client: “Is there any way you could bring your computer here and I could just show you what I’m talking about? Like ‘move this here, move that there’?”
Me: (long pause) “My work station is immovable.”
“As a company, we’re all about change. The marketplace is always changing...”
“We shouldn’t assume that everyone knows what a hyperlink is.”
Client: “I want to be honest with you. The money that I’m budgeting for this project doesn’t come from this business. It comes from my porn chat. You know, I have a phone sex business. But I don’t need marketing and design for the porn business. Nobody wants to admit they use it even though everybody does. Anyway, that’s where they money comes from. So I make a lot...
Client: “This layout looks absolutely amazing; I completely love it! However, my husband is from Germany and so he has a natural born sense of design (I’m from the South, so I have to trust what he thinks) and he doesn’t like it at all. He’ll be calling you shortly with his revisions.”
“The Word document that you sent me looks different in Word 2007 and Word 2003....”
“Oh, you mean the web? You said the internet, and you meant the web? I don’t understand how you can expect me to do things when you can’t even call something by the correct name.”
Client: “So we’re thinking that we’d like to incorporate a lot of landscape photos into the design. We took some great photos on our holiday and we’d like you to use those.”
Me: “Sure, sounds like a fun idea. Go ahead and send me a few of your favorites.”
In total, they sent me 67 e-mails, each containing approximately 20 photos. The best part? I ended up making a layout out of...
Placebo Proof
A particularly picky client wanted a PDF proof of his artwork e-mailed to him to approve before printing. Since he had originally supplied his artwork as a PDF, I simply e-mailed him back the original file. After reviewing this proof, he complained that the quality was not good, that the graphics were muddy, and that the text didn’t “pop.” I promised to “fix” it...
I’m doing video editing for a short clip and here’s one of the client’s comment about one of the shot where we see one of the girl.
“I don’t want to see her whole face, We can see her lips, her eyes but not her nose, it’s too notable.”
Working as a moderator for a computer help chat room many years ago.
Young boy: ”How do I get burn out out of a monitor?”
Me: ”You can’t, once the phosphorous is burned you are going to have to replace the entire monitor.”
Young boy: ”There has to be a way. I need to fix this as soon as possible.”
Me: ”The only solution that may work is...
“Photography is not art goddamnet! It’s just a Xerox of what just happened.”
“On a different note, do you know a good way to add sound with rollovers to a...”
“Take the black cowboy out. Black cowboys have no place in Nashville.”
I work on an in-house design team and our boss consistently walks past our monitors and peeks at what we are doing. On occasion, there will be something on screen that bothers her. One day she walked by and asked, “Are you really putting pink stripes on that?” The pink stripes were my grid guides.
How Low Can Your Logo?
An anonymous reader writes in to tell us about the How Low Can Your Logo contest. In true crowd source fashion, participants compete to design shitty logos for Excellencico, “a global leader in providing a focused, broad range of services to a world-class, international, region-centric clientele.”
From the How Low Can Your Logo site:
Excellencico harnesses evolving, dynamic...
After weeks of trying to get a client to return my calls/emails in order to book a project review meeting:
Me: “Ok. Let’s nail down the review meeting for Friday [two days later]. What time is good for you?”
Client: “Don’t kid me. You’re not that busy. All you guys do is sit around and doodle shit, and I have stuff to do on Friday. We’ll do it today.”
Me: “Ok. You can come by if you want, but...
“This HTML is horrific! Remake it. And use tables so my wife is able to edit your...”
Me: “So, the background image isn’t loading? What browser are you using?”
Client: “That doesn’t matter. I just need people to be able to see it.”
Customer: “I want this form to email me the information.”
Me: “No problem, we can install a script to take care of that for a small fee.”
Customer: “A script? Do I need a PHP? My son has a PHP and wrote a script that was 15 inches long. Do you charge by the inch?”
During the first meeting with the client, a Jewish community website for teens.
Client: ”We want something that has sort of an anarchist edge. Something crazy like Mickey Mouse with a swastika or something.”
Me: ”Are you sure your demographic is comfortable with swastikas?”
Client: ”Why wouldn’t they be?”
Client: “Your wireless printer is not working and I demand a refund!”
Me: “Does the device have any flashing lights or error messages on the screen?”
Client: “No! It has nothing!”
Me: “Is the device turned on?”
Client: “I push the power button and nothing happens! I told you, the printer is broken and I want my money back!”
Me:...
For a couple of months, I did a series of nightlife fliers for a notoriously difficult, cocaine-loving client. This was his reaction to the idea of a deposit.
Client: “The only person allowed to ask me for $$ ahead of time is a hooker before she blows me”
Client: “I cannot access the internet.”
Me: “Ok, I can help with that. What have you tried so far?”
Client: “I clicked on internet explorer and all I see is this MSN crap!”
Me: “That is the internet.”
Client: “No this is not! I want the internet.”
[I was so stumped for a while, but then inspiration struck]
Me: “Look at the top...
Quirky?
I’d been working with a client for awhile when I was called into the president’s office.
Client: We’re going to have to ask you to leave.
Me: What? Why? I thought you liked the work I’ve been doing.
Client: Oh, your work is terrific. But er, you’ve become known among some higher-ups as a … “quirky” guy. (he makes air quotes with his fingers)
Me: Haha,...
[I was working late at night to get a website I had been working on for a few months launched. After putting up all of the files I decided I would text message the client seeing as it was late at night.]
Text message to client: “Website is launched.”
Text message from client: “OK. Great. Now that the site is launched I wanted to let you know that these past few months have been...
[I was working late at night to get a website I had been working on for a few months launched. After putting up all of the files I decided I would text message the client seeing as it was late at night.]
Text message to client: “Website is launched.”
Text message from client: “OK. Great. Now that the site is launched I wanted to let you know that these past few months have been...
“Our clients are dynamic and well educated people; they don’t waste their time by...”
– Client in response to my suggestion that we utilize social media and youtube in a marketing campaign.
Client: “There’s a problem with the website.”
Me: “Well, let’s go over it and see what I can do to fix the issue. What exactly is the problem?”
Client: “When I look at the site on my iPhone, it looks small and shmooshed.”
Me: “Have you tried holding the phone closer to your face?”
Client: “I need a new website, the one I have is crap. I paid some cheap designer to do it for $200.”
Me: “Yeah, with cheaper designers you never know what you’ll get.”
Client: “I’ll never make that mistake again.”
Me: “Well, after reviewing your needs I would estimate this website to be about $1,200.”
Client: ”Really…...
Working on cropping a head shot, I get an email while my boss is in my office.
Client: “We want more head and less tie.”
I read this aloud to my boss and then realized how awkward it sounded.
Boss: “I’m going to tell everyone that calls me today that you’re busy giving head.”
I sit in awe.
Boss: “You should just liquify his face so that he’s...
“When we said “sexy” we really meant “slick.” Can you make those changes?”
About ten years ago, I was contacted by a tech recruiter about a tech writer position. The client had accidentally seen my resume, and insisted upon talking to me. I went to the interview, and the client painted a wonderful picture about the job. Problem was, the position was in Austin, Texas, and for about two-thirds of what I was already making. I told her that while I appreciated her taking...
Fancy Tech Support
Over the phone:
Client: “I’ve put the DVD in my computer but it won’t recognize it in Windows Media Player. Normally it works without any problems.”
Me: “Your computer has two drives and only one of them can read DVDs. Which drive did you put the disc in?”
Client: “What do you mean? They’re different? You’re supposed to be the computer...
My company made an interactive timeline showing the history of how this large Telecom company grew to be one of the leading companies in the world. The communications manager was satisfied with our work, but she wanted to display the timeline on more than just the little screen on the PC. We told her that it wasn’t a problem, and advised them to buy a flat screen TV to mount on the wall.
...
Heavyweight Client
In 2005, I was in London working as a typesetter for a magazine from a small publisher. My client, who was a foot taller than me, got very upset everytime my phone rang. Not that the phone rang that many times a day, but anyway, one day he asked me (not very politely) not to answer any phone calls.
Obviously my phone rang at that very moment. It was my wife. The client started to yell at me. I...
Client: “This isn’t what I was looking for.”
Me: ”No problem, this is all part of the process. Can you explain what you don’t like?”
Client: “I’d rather shove you down the stairs for wasting my time.”
“Kelly wants to know if there is something for the background available besides...”
Client: “Can you create links from our home page to our Facebook and Twitter accounts?”
Me: “Sure, can you send me the links to your Facebook and Twitter pages?”
Client: “I am not sure how to find them. Can I just email you the login information for those sites? Please let me know, I am still working on finding the link for Twitter.”
After my boss met with a sailboat captain, which we did the promotional website for, he calls me up to his computer. He explained that the client’s wife had burnt some discs for us with photos from their latest trip to the Bahamas. We were to use them to update their photo gallery and blog.
My boss proceeded to click on a random picture, and to our surprise, the photo showed the client in...
Client: “I want to call my company [name].”
Me: “You do realise that name’s almost identical to [name] - a huge international corporation.”
Client: “Yes. It’s a great idea. People will come to my website, thinking I’m them.”
Me: “Do you also realise that [name] have a habit of suing people for that sort of thing.”
Client:...
I do a lot of work for a church, and in one of the projects there was a small mistake. After chattin with the church elders, they concluded that the best way to make it right was to punish me by not paying me, but continuing to work with me in future projects.
“I don’t think we can pay you for your time, that’s what we’ve determined is the best way for redemption”
