I was doing a presentation for a top executive in a big company. To start the meeting, I went to the whiteboard and started sketching a diagram.

Me: “Suppose we do a match between the customer database and the transactions database, and—”

The big shot laughed.  

Client: “You are so naïve.”

Me: “What did I do? I barely started.”

Client: “You see that database? It’s mine. The other one belongs to the SOB in the next room, and we haven’t spoken for months. So, forget about your idea. If you want to succeed here, bring me something that only depends on me, and in case it fails, no one will ever know. If it’s a success, I’ll look good and we can do business.”

Client: “I need a logo for my online gardening business.”

Me: “I’ll need you to write up a brief of what style, colours, etc., you would like it to reflect.”

Client: “I’ll write one and get back to you.”

Two days pass.

Me: “How is that brief coming along?”

Client: “Well, the brief has turned into more of a marketing plan. I thought I’d leave the creative part up to you. I love the examples you sent me. Can you just make us look like those clients? Then, I will be happy.”

Me: “Fair enough.”

I do a few logo concepts in the style the client loves and show them to him.

Client: “Hmm… It’s not really what I was after.”

Me: “No problem. Do you like any of them, or would you like to start from scratch?”

Client: “Start from scratch, I think.”

Me: “This time, I think we ought to adhere to a creative brief, so I can get closer to what you imagine.”

Client: “Okay. I don’t really know what to write, but I will get back to you soon.”

He calls me a few days later.

Client: “I didn’t realise there was more than one page in the PDF you sent me. The other logos are actually really good. Let’s use the second one.”

The second logo was on the first page. I don’t even know.

Me: “To finish up, I just need you to shut down your machine.”

Client: “I tried to power off the machine, but it won’t shut down.”

Me: “So, you clicked on ‘Start’ and then ‘Shut Down’, and the machine is just sitting there?”

Client: “Yeah. Nothing is happening.”

Me: “No worries. Just press and hold the power button to turn off the machine.”

Client: “I don’t have a power button.”

Me: “How do you turn on your computer?”

Client: “My computer is always on.”

Client: “Let’s get more content published before Monday.”

Me: “Why Monday?”

Client: “I’ve been learning about SEO, and I’m pretty sure Google crawls the web on Mondays.”

Me: “Among other days, yes.”

Me: “Hi. I just installed WordPress on your site, but someone with admin access has changed the password. Could you forward me the email from the host so I can get access?”

Client: “I don’t have time for that. I’ll just print it off and bring it to you, cool?”

I have no idea why this made sense to the client. Their office is an hour away from mine.