I had been contacted by a doctor to do some simple marketing for his website. He was vague about his needs, but most of my clients are because they don’t really know what marketing entails. I’d gone through all the usual with him up to this point: getting to know him and his business, what his objectives and goals were, etc. After we contracted, I provided my first documents with a SWOT analysis and some other content to him as a place to start. I call him, and we start talking about what I sent over. He lets me do the entire presentation before he stops me with a doozy of a question.
Client: This is all great. When will you be done with my new website?
Me: I’m sorry, new website? We didn’t discuss creating a new website- these edits are for your existing website. However, if you’d like to talk about a new site, I have a developer I regularly contract with that may be available to assist-
Client: No, my NEW website! What do you think I’m paying you for?
Me: Doctor, we have not discussed a new website until this very moment. Can you explain what it is you’re looking for?
Client: Yeah, it’s exactly what I talked to you about in the beginning. I have a medical practice. I sell these specific medical products. I need a website to sell those products online.
Me: This is the first I’m hearing of this. Regardless, let’s talk about this project some more. What can you tell me-
Client, loudly and in what felt like one very, very long breath: Listen, listen. It’s like this. My wife left me and took everything. Everything, can you believe it?! And it’s so hard to find good staff these days- my practice is suffering because I just lost 5 people in one week- they just walked out and never came back. So I need to do something else to pay the bills, you see? I want to sell the products that I use in my practice online. It’s so simple! Look, sweetheart, I don’t think you’re getting this. Listen, this is how it works. I am going to sell these specific medical products online, okay? You don’t have to be a patient of mine in my practice, I’m a doctor. So I have a company that will send the products out to the customer. Some of the products, anyway- I’ll send the rest from my office. It’s called dropshipping, and man, you should try it! You’ll get rich so fast- I read about it in a book from a guy who’s a millionaire! He says all I have to do is set this up, and then I won’t have to lift a finger, and I’ll make tons of money. So I need you to set all this up, okay? I don’t do computers. My computer doesn’t even turn on- I think it’s broken. Hey, maybe you could come to my house and fix it sometime! You’re young, right? You kids understand computers. So I do everything on the iPad, but I can’t do all the fancy stuff you want me to do, so you need to do it. I know about Google, I want you to make me the only result that comes up for these products on Google. I’ll pay you to do it. I also want to be the first products that show up for these products on Amazon, Wal-Mart, Target…We need to target Amazon, okay? Have you ever used Amazon? It’s great. So anyway I’ll send you some links on how dropshipping works in an email so you’ll know exactly how to set this up for me. You can handle all the business stuff with my accountant and my office manager- and call me when you need me to answer questions about the products. I also want to do videos so you have to tell me what kind of camera to buy- I’ll buy anything you tell me to. Youtube videos. Do you use Youtube? I saw a great documentary about a tiger on there last week, I’ll send you the name of it so you can watch it too. I know you’ll enjoy it, you’re just like me. That’s why I hired you, you understand me. Anyway, we should talk in my office sometime, just you and me, and then you can come to my house and fix my computer, okay? And then we could go out for dinner, and get to know each other. Wear something nice, I’ll take you to a fancy restaurant. I bet you’ve never been to a fancy restaurant before, but then again I don’t now what marketers make. But you sure are expensive! You charge me too much for what you do- I could do it myself but my computer doesn’t turn on. Maybe I’ll find someone in another country to do the work and you can just tell them what to do- that would be cheaper, right? I want all my money to go into this business. Oh, and I need this website up in 2 weeks because I have to pay my bills in 3 weeks, so after we launch on Amazon I need to be making a profit of about $50,000 a month, okay? That should be easy for someone like you with my videos presenting the website and the products. It’s important that every page has 2 or 3 videos, okay? And we need to show all the products on the home page, and each product needs a video of how to use the product, or else people won’t know. But these custom products need to be the highlight of the website. Only, people usually come in for these products, so you’ll need to figure out how I can give them custom products for their medical problems without seeing them or doing …what do they call it? Telehealth. But I could do telehealth if I had a camera. But I don’t want to have to do anything but make videos and money. So I need you to sell these products for me, babe. Because there’s nobody else that is doing this- nobody else sells products with videos on how to use them, I checked! This is going to make millions, am I right? So I’ll see you tomorrow then, at my office. You can leave your car- what do you drive, a young girl like you probably drives a secondhand Hyundai, right? I have a nice car- It’s a Toyota. I’ll drive us back to my house and to dinner, we can have a few drinks, talk about the business, and you can fix my computer. Do you wear high heels? You should wear high heels, I love a woman in high heels. I’m so glad you’re my new business partner!
Things to note: I’ve been in this industry for 10 years. I am not a young girl. Toyota’s don’t impress me- I’m impressed by things like the ‘66 Shelby Cobra Super Snake or the ‘70 Chevelle LS6 SS 454- both of which were pictured on my office wall behind me during the call. My engagement ring was CLEARLY visible during our video call. I work completely remote and was hundreds of miles from this client’s location. The pandemic was already happening when this “conversation” took place. And the emails he sent me after I told him I wasn’t interested in continuing this conversation? Viruses. Full of viruses.