I was discussing a Google Ads marketing strategy and social media project with a lawyer who worked in a large city.

Me: What’s your budget for Google Ads?

Client: About $300 a month. I don’t want to pay anything more than I need to.

Me: That’s not very much. It could cost you a lot more to see the results you are seeking. But the ROI could be worth it. How much are you willing to pay someone to work on this marketing project? There are a lot of other considerations and topics to discuss, such as SEO and your social media strategy.

Client: I am looking to pay someone about $25 per hour, no more than 5 hours per week. You're not charging me for this conversation, are you?

Earlier in the conversation he'd dropped that he's going on a very expensive vacation and was very proud of himself.

I decided to move on from this "opportunity" pretty quickly.

I'm an illustrator. A client contacted me with very specific demands. 

Client: I want ten elaborate illustrations. I will have full rights to the characters within, and you will only have permission to use up to three of these drawings in your portfolio. Oh, I am going to pay this outta my pocket by the way :)

I'm not sure where else they would pay from. 

Client:  Let's meet near my house because I have to pick up Suzy from school

No, I don't know who Suzy is. I guess their daughter. Anyway, I had to drive far out of my way to meet them.

I arrived at the coffee shop, showed some proposals, and gave them a quote. Believe me: it wasn't expensive. 

Client: (visibly upset) You charge this much for your little drawings? And you say I only have the rights to use these images for this project, and not for upcoming ones? 

Me: We can negotiate future use of the characters, but if you want future use of the intellectual property that will cost more.  

Client: (indignant) GOODBYE. 

I drove nearly an hour for a meeting that lasted less than five minutes. 

I chatted with a client about how he wanted to make more money with his travel/tourism/transportation business. He was getting a lot of customers and wanted to expand. He had one vehicle where he drove people around, and he wanted another one so he could hire another person on his team.

He sounded very stressed on the phone.

Client: I need to make more money to support my family, and I don’t have much savings to buy another vehicle. What do you think I should do?

Me: Well, there are various options.

Client: What do you think of a Kickstarter campaign?

Me: It might work if it was marketed really well online.

Client: Ok, let’s do that.

I am not convinced I want to work on this project yet, so I continue to ask questions.

Me: How much could you pay me per month to work on this marketing project?

Client: $200 per month.

Me: Uh… hmm…

I didn't have the heart to tell him on the phone that's not what I had in mind for payment and just told him I didn't think we'd be a good match.

I later look up this guy online, and I see a mugshot of when he was arrested for a DUI. I wondered how that might affect his Kickstarter and online marketing efforts.

I posted an ad on a local job board advertising my house cleaning services, as I was seeking some extra income as a side gig. A woman replied and said she was interested. I chatted with her briefly and learned she needs the whole three-story house cleaned, and she hasn’t had anyone clean it in a while.

I give her my hourly rate, which was the average rate in the area from people I had talked with.

Client: That much? That’s too much!

Me: Well, it’s very physical work, and I would need to recover afterward. It’s different from a desk job.

The client sullenly agrees.

When I arrive at the house in a nice part of town, I notice she barely has any cleaning supplies (even though she stated she had everything). I made the best with what she offered me.

Client: Here are some rags.

There are 4 rags. I had to use some scarce paper towels for the rest - not ideal.

I almost passed out from the amount of work that was needed. Some areas of the house hadn’t been cleaned in months from the looks of things.

At the end of nearly 4 hours, I was glad to be finished. The woman criticized some of my work - which I didn’t appreciate, especially since I went over various areas twice to ensure it was extra clean. 

She then writes me a check.

I say thanks and leave, wanting to never return to that house.

I tried to cash the check soon after, and it bounced.

I had to text her various times to ask for payment - explaining the check bounced.

Client: Stop texting me!

Me: I will need to take the issue to small claims court if I don't hear back from you in a week with payment.

Client: You didn’t even clean my house that well. I hired another housekeeper who did a much better job than you!

She finally re-sent me a check that went through.

Words of Wisdom: ask for cash at the end of a home improvement / cleaning job.

I found an interesting opportunity on a job board posted by the owner of a website development company. He was seeking a talented freelancer to create a brand style guide for a client.

Client: The style guide is for a small University.

Me: That’s a big deal. Do you have the logos ready and other information I would need to create the style guide?

Client:  I’ll need you to communicate with the freelance designer about the status of the logos. There are four logo drafts in progress. Look up the University online to learn more about them and their goals. You can also research some Style Guides that other Universities have created to get a feel for what they did.

Me: Hmm… Well, I think I would need more information from the people who you have worked with at the University to understand what they are seeking. This could also take a lot of research and planning. How much is in your budget for this Style Guide project?

Client: $500

There was little to no other information that the Client could provide me regarding this project. I passed - and I'm willing to bet the university failed. 

I was hired for a Marketing role with a small start-up agency. In the interviews, the owners of this new agency mentioned they were still “figuring things out.” They seemed experienced, so I trusted them.

Clients: We can only pay you $15 per hour.

Me: Ok, since I am doing most of the work from home and I can still work as a freelancer in my spare time, this might work.

Over the course of a week, the clients proceed to dump the work they promised to 4 of their clients on to me. This includes research, strategic planning, calendars, Creative Briefs, and creative assets. I work hard to get it all done.

One of the owners discusses in a meeting how he plans to remove himself from most of the day to day tasks to focus more on Business Development (gaining more clients) as time goes on. I am starting to see a lot of Red Flags - the most notable being that it looked like I was the whole of their business. 

The last straw was when they made another request. 

Clients: We are going to need you to drive across town to meet with us once or twice a week.

Me: The amount it would cost for me in terms of gas and mileage for me to drive across town to discuss these projects with you isn’t worth it for me. I don’t think this is the job I am seeking at this time.

Clients: Well, we need you to be collaborative with us. We'll work with you. Are you planning on working completely remotely then?

Me: ...I'm planning on not working for you at all. 

The client, who works in finance, wanted me to market his vacation home on Facebook. From my experience, I knew this wasn’t the only thing he needed to market his home. I proceeded to talk with him about the value of a quality website, updated photos and more.

He barely listened to me.

Client: Yeah, I don't have time for that. I just need to make some money quick by marketing this vacation home on Facebook. Also, I need you to help me market this diner I just bought. 

Me: Okay...

Client: Oh, by the way, my credit card is maxed out, since I am paying for the food for the restaurant out of pocket. I need to make more money off of my vacation rental and this diner. But don’t worry, I’ll still pay you.

Me: Ok. Well, this is a little concerning. By the way, the website for your restaurant needs a lot of work.

Client: I just had that created! I guess that’s what I get for being so cheap.

Eject! Eject!

I was a novice freelancer when one of my friends referred a client to me. The commission was simple enough - just a logo and a brochure, so I decided to send the client a quote. This part goes well, until we begin to negotiate payment.

Client: Do I need to submit a deposit?

Me: Yes, I will require $X before beginning the project. I can accept either a check or a PayPal payment.

Client: PayPal won't work for me. My credit card company won't allow it. Can you use [sketchy company I have never heard of]?

Me: No, but I can use Intuit. Would that work for you?

Client: Yes. Please invoice me and process the charge.

I do as he requests, but his card is declined. I reach out to him accordingly. This is his response.

Client: I'm sorry but can you help me? I need to pay $3000 to my writing consultant but don't have the money. Can I pay you the amount and your deposit through my credit card to forward to him?

And that is how I fired a client for the first time.

Not a clients from hell but quite the opposite.

I got hired by a European governmental agency to do graphics on a video for them, they insisted I invoiced them before the job even started, so I did, they paid in full in a matter of days.

And that's the last I ever heard of them... I literally got paid to do nothing.

My guess is they had to spend money before the end of their budget year to justify their next year's budget but whatever, I got paid!

A friend of mine put me in touch with her relative for a logo for their new company. Since it was a friend referral, and I was excited about the project, I offered a discounted rate (almost 50%) from what I normally charge businesses.

Me: Great, so the logo should take around 3-4 hours at my rate of $XX.

Client: Okay, but I don't want to pay more than that. 

Me: Sure, I'm confident I can create a logo in that time frame quoted.

Client: Wait, how many options will I get?

Me: The quote above is for one logo. It takes around 3-4 hours. If you want more, I can create options, but I'll have to bill each at 3-4 hours for a total of $XXX.

Client: That is not a competitive market rate. Best of luck.

Now I'm wishing I could bill my full 100% rate for the time it took to negotiate and explain how math works.