Client: Why does a color illustration cost more? You're probably just using Photoshop filters anyway.
Me: Unfortunately some of the images you sent over cant be used as they are the wrong file type.
Client: Oh, okay. Which files?
Me: The animated GIFs.
Client: So why can’t they be used for the brochure?
Client: My webmail isn't working! Can you help?
Me: Have you paid your internet bill?
Client: What does that have to do with anything?
Me: You use an ISP address, so I'm assuming you didn't pay and they cut you off.
Client: That's ridiculous, no way.
Yup, she hadn't paid the bill.
I usually try to keep my client relationships purely professional - I don't like to know what they think about anything other than the task at hand. Case in point: a client who interrupted a feedback session to give his "plandemic" theories.
You've probably heard most of what he was spouting, but this was my favourite gem:
Client: Think about it - newspapers know about this stuff before EVERYBODY. I'm pretty tapped in and they always seem to be on step ahead.
Me: ...How are you tapped in, exactly?
Client: I'm on Reddit every day.
Yeah, they must be staging everything if reporters are hearing about things before Reddit.
Client: Our online marketing has had enough effect by now. Thanks! You can stop your efforts right now.
As requested, I shut down all their ad campaigns. A few weeks later:
Client: Help! Help! Our bookings are plummeting! How is this possible?
Client: This site looks terrible! The font is gross, and there's all this nonsense everywhere. And where are the images?
Me: You're looking at the HTML backend. This is what the site looks like.
Client: Oh... well maybe clean up that other stuff. I'd hate it if our customers saw that.
Client: What the hell! You overcharged me!
Me: I sent an invoice for what we agreed on.
Client: Bulls***. I'm looking at a bill for over four thousand dollars and we agreed on $500.
Me: Yeah, I sent an invoice for $500.
Client: Well then what the hell am I looking at?
Turns out it was his credit card bill.
Client: The site is in color... I didn't ask for that.
Me: Well, no, but it's in line with your branding. Is it wrong?
Client: It looks good, but I will NOT pay for the color. If it costs anymore, I want this site in Black and White - and don't you DARE try to charge me more.