Got a ticket from a client about a “broken computer.”

Me: Hi there, which of your Computers was broken? 

She thought about for a solid moment and placed her hand on the monitor:

Client: Is this a computer? 

I’m still bewildered by this one.

I was tasked to render a short video of a landscape. Basically, the camera would fly over and circle around points of interest, like in the Game of Thrones intro. I’d just sent him some stills and he gave me the go-ahead to render the whole thing.

Client: Why is it taking so long?! It’s only a 3-minute video.

Me: It takes a while to render 3D animations.

Client: No it doesn’t! When you go to Pixar movies you get photo-realistic graphics instantly!

Me: so there is basically 2 solutions for that problem. The first will take X days to be implemented and will cost you $Y. The second will take W days and will cost you $Z. Which one do you want?

Client: After analyzing your propositions, we need the 1st solution for about half our users, and the 2nd solution for the other half of our users. That’s a good news, right? Since only half our users need each solution, can you do it at half the price? It should take you only half the time.

Client: Don 't worry about corona virus - an email newsletter I subscribe to says you just have to take zinc lozenges and you'll be safe. I don't know why everyone is freaking out. 

Client: Thanks to COVID-19, I can't order Chinese food anymore. That sucks for me.

Customer: Is this product in?

Me: I’m sorry, it’s sold out at the moment

Customer: (doesn’t like my answer and approaches a more senior looking colleague while still within earshot) Is this product available?

Me:  Try logging in with your username and a blank password.

Client: It's not working.

Me: What password did you use?

Client: It's 'blank'.

Me: Well then it should work.

Client: It's not working. It says 'cannot connect to database'.

Me: Where it says 'Password', tell me exactly what you have there.

Client: Like you told me to, I typed in the word 'b l a n k'.

Me: When I said 'blank', I meant that there is no password. The field needs to be left empty.

Client: Oh... right, it's working now!!

I work IT for a network of hospitals and take calls in my cubicle all day. This is a call I just took.

Me: Helpdesk.

Client: Hi, I was wondering if I could install Remote Desktop on my computer.

Me: PC or Mac?

Client: It's a Mac.

Me: Is it a personal computer, or is it owned by our company?

Client: It's mine.

Me: I'm sorry, we don't provide support for personal computers on this line.

Client: Oh, I don't need help. I just wanted to know if I was allowed.

Me: ...Sure. Go right ahead. You can do whatever you'd like with your computer.

Client: Great! Thanks. 

My girlfriend wanted me to design a graphic for a shirt that she could put up on a store page. She wanted it done in time for the Christmas Season (Read: December) She sprung this on me midway through the last week of November. So, of course, being the kind of guy I am, I decided I'm going to put in some late nights for her. 

The design we settled on was one of her characters, gift wrapped for the season. The problem in this story came from the fact that her character has heterochromic eyes. (Both eyes are different colors, one red, one blue.) I looked at the reference pieces that she provided, and my heart sank. About a third of the pieces I saw were reversed from the rest in this detail. So I asked her the clarifying question:

Me: Hey, so which of her eyes is the red one?

Client: The right one.

Me: My right or hers?

She pauses, and I can see her hold a hand up, and start flipping it back and forth as if trying to do advanced geometry in her head.

Client: Uhh... just take a look at the reference materials.

Me: (Showing her two pieces) The references don't agree with one another.

Client: Okay, so what makes sense... uh, that one. Her right eye should be red.

Me: You're pointing to her left eye.

Client: Wait... hang on.

I went out, and poured myself a drink, and she continued speaking to me about what she was trying to figure out. The entire conversation lasted for about half an hour. Here are some notable exchanges during that time:

Client: So when you say right, are you talking about house right or stage right?

Me: What? Stage right. I'm asking for your right eye. 

Client: Okay. (Turns around, makes some motions in the air and turns around pointing at her left eye) Right eye.

Me: No...

At this point I was getting frustrated.

Me: (pointing at my own right eye.) Look at me and imagine you're looking at her. Is this the Red eye or the blue eye?

Client: So that's the eye on the left, so it should be blue. Unless I'm confused, and I'm imagining things like I'm looking at a mirror.

Me: I don't know what you're imagining. But this is my right eye.

Client: So is that house right or stage right?

Me: What? Just which is her right eye? 

Client: (spends ten seconds going back and forth almost raising one hand or the other, then turns back around.) Am I supposed to imagine her standing here or that I am her and looking in a mirror? Oh, no wait, am I giving you house or stage directions here?

Me: (slapping my forehead) What is your fixation on stages and mirrors?

Client: I don't know!

I was adding a new RAM module to a PC for a client.

Client: With that I will have more storage capacity in my email account, right?

You can imagine my face...