Client: I received my desktop from the company but when my son was here to help me put it together he said there was a part missing so it won’t turn on.

Me: Was it the power cord?

Client: You’re going to have to be less technically with me; I have no idea what that is.

Me: The cord that plugs into your power outlet…

Client: Look, I’m not a “computer wizard” like you. I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Me: Okay, it’s the same type of cord that would be attached to a lamp that you plug into the wall so that it comes on. Is there one of those coming out of the computer and into the wall?

Client: This is getting nowhere. Can I speak to your supervisor?

I worked for a small software company and the week before this one of our installers had done a week’s worth of installation and training at the client’s site.

Monday morning the client called screaming that nothing is working and he isn’t going to pay. He won’t talk to tech support and won’t allow anyone to walk him through the issue over the phone. He insisted someone return and uninstall everything. Our company president convinced him to let us send a tech team to find out what’s going on.

We drove 3 hours one way and arrive at his office. He yells and blusters that he isn’t paying and he doesn’t know why we have to be there since nothing works anyway.

We got to his office and he and most of the people in his organization are there, all squeezed in, and he goes to the desk and points at the screen.

Client: See? It isn’t working.

Me: Ok, let me take a look. What’s your user name and password?

Client: I don’t know! That’s why it isn’t working!

Other worker: Hey boss…remember? We set all of our user names to our first name, and the password is our last name.

At this point, the client typed his first and last names in the field.

Client: Huh. I guess it is working. Ok, I guess we didn’t need you after all.

I was transporting some equipment for a client several hundred miles. They insisted on following my truck and were very adamant that I go the exact speed limit. The following took place at the first rest stop.

Client: You were speeding. We had to catch up to you several times.

Me: No. I made sure to set the cruise control at exactly the speed limit.

Client: Yeah. But your engine is bigger than ours.

Me: … Haha … huh? … Ha… Wait. Are you serious?

Try as I might, I could not impress on them that 60 mph is the same no matter how big the engine.

Me: You need to bring two forms of ID to take your test.

Client: Nobody said that! I only have one.

Me: It’s in your confirmation e-mail. Which you printed out and brought with you.

Client: Well yeah, but I don’t have time to read that stuff.

I'm a freelance photographer going into a phone call with a potential new client, a regional nonprofit hospital's marketing department:

Me: So what are you looking for?

Client: Yeah, so what DPI can you take pictures at?

It didn't work out.

Client: I need this website translated into French 

Me: Can you provide all the contents in a Word format?

Client: This is all I have, hope this helps!

What he sends me is the quote he received from one of our competitors.

I use to have a side business with my ex-husband when we were married. We split up years and years ago, and he retained that business. 

Today, I was contacted by a former client. It has been at least 15 years at least since I did work for them. 

Client: You built my website, and I need changes.

Me: I'm sorry, but you will need to contact my ex-husband, he is the sole owner now.

Client: No, I want you do it.

Me: I haven't worked on websites in over 15 years. I wouldn't know where to start building one today.

Client: That's impossible. The internet hasn't even been around for 15 years! 

I emailed a client requesting they approve a Facebook Ad. After a week I emailed them again.  

Me: Hey I emailed you a week ago requesting you approve a Facebook Ad. You might not have gotten it.

Side note: I know they opened it, I have a mail tracker.

Me: Here’s the link for you to approve. Please let me know. Also, please confirm you’ve received this email. 

Client: YOUR EMAILS ARE COMING THROUGH MY SPAM!

Me: I’m sorry about that.

Again: they saw and opened my emails.

Me: Please green list us and that should fix the issue. Did you see the Ad? What did you think?

Client: (no response, ever)

My mail tracker confirms they opened my last email soon after I sent it.

Client:  I’m sorry, but the search feature on [our Intranet site] is terrible!! I can’t find anything!

Me: I’m sorry to hear that, can you give me an example of what you’re trying to find?

Client: Well, I’m trying to find the address for my dentist, but when I put his name in nothing comes up!

Me: Erm, the INTRANET site search is for finding documents that we use internally.  I think you are confusing it with a search engine, like Google.

Client: Well, that’s just stupid! What good is a search feature if it doesn’t give me what I’m looking for?

In retrospect, it was a lesson learned.  I renamed our search box to say “Search the Intranet” instead.

Me: Nothing needs changing?

Client: No, it’s good. Will it be ready tomorrow?

Me: I can get it finished by then.

Client: Great!

The next day I sent over the file.

Client: Actually we can only have three colors.

Me: …. Okay. I’ll change it.

Client: And I think this could be a different colour.

Me: Okay.

Client: And you need to take the background out.

Me: It’s transparent.

Client: We want to print it on black hoodies.

Me: That will work. It’s transparent.

Client: It’s white there.

Me: If we printed it on black paper that would be black. If you put it on a black background it would be black.

Client: So it will be black?

Me: Yes.

I make the changes and sent over the (correctly-sized) PNG file the next day.

Three months later:

Client: The picture is really blurry and pixelated. You need to fix it.

Me: Re-download it from the email I sent you.

Client: Did you fix it?

Me: Re-download it from the email I sent you.

They didn’t even give me credit.