I run a small Wordpress site for one of my clients. Recently, they got a new business partner. This is how our first conversation went: 

New Business Partner: Hi! I'm looking forward to working with you. I know my way around Wordpress, so we won't bug you with every little thing from now on! 

Me: Hi! It's nice to meet you!

Literally five minutes later:

New Business Partner: I'm so sorry, it looks like I broke the whole website. 

He actually did. 

Yesterday a client came into my graphic studio to print some booklets. I had never met him before.

Client: What's your email? I'll just send you the file that way. 

When I checked my email and what I had was an email with a link to the website of google drive and the written email address and password of the account.. So... the client straight away gave me his email information. So now, if I wanted, I could send emails to everyone from his email account, check what he receives and know all his secrets! 

Also important to mention, he wasn't a normal day to day client that wanted something silly to be printed. He worked for a political party. 

Also also: the files were done in PowerPoint with fucked up sizes and he kept saying: "you can do this quickly, it's easy." 

Me: The Writable PDF with required fields functionality will not work on your website due to software limitations.

Client: Make it work! It should work in this day and age.

Me: I cannot make it work. It is a software issue.

Client: If I remove all required fields except one will it work?

Me: No. 

Client: So the answer is no?

Me: Correct!

Client: Ok, Please replace the existing form with this PDF form.

Me: Are you aware this new form still has required fields?

Client: I am aware.

Me: Fine. I put the form you sent to me this morning on the website as you requested. It still doesn't work.

Client: Why not?

Me: (in my head)Because the Russian government has secretly hacked your website and injected code that will not make your PDF forms work the way you want. I would recommend contacting the FBI.

Me:  (actual response)   Please read my prior email where I stated that the browser will not allow the specific Required field functionality that you are trying to implement on the form.  

Client: As long as I can receive it even if the required blanks are not filled out, I will be fine.

Me: The word "required" means that it has to be filled out. It cannot be left blank. It is... "required."

Client:  I am testing it now on the website. Why am I not receiving the email after clicking the right corner.

Me: (dumbfounded)  I'm not sure how else to explain it.  It will not work the way you have it setup.

Client: When you said "it will not work," I assumed you meant it would ignore the required’ field lines– thinking I could STILL receive the form even if it were not completely filled out. Are you meaning that if ‘required fields’ are within the content, it will not be sent to me?

Me: (Is there a 5-year old around that I can talk to?) 

Client: We want to hire you! Can we meet to discuss the project? 

Me: Great! If you want to meet I can do Tuesday afternoon, Wednesday morning or Friday afternoon. 

Client: OK, let's say Monday afternoon. 

Me: I'm afraid I'm not available on Monday. Would Tuesday afternoon, Wednesday morning or Friday afternoon work? 

Client: Oh, sorry, my bad. Tuesday morning then?

Me: Sorry again, I won't be available until the afternoon on Tuesday. Can you tell me when you have one hour available for our meeting next week?

Client: Let's see, I'm free Tuesday afternoon and Wednesday morning but that won't work. Too bad our calendars don't match ...

Me: ...Tell you what. I'll reschedule some things so we can meet Wednesday at 9:30. 

Client: Oh, great! If it's not too much trouble!

Me: No problem at all. 

I had a client tell me today that GoDaddy just sent them a "report" with a "score" for their website a couple of days after redesigning their site and migrating to a new server.

Client: You made the site worse! You need to do some extra work to bring the score back up. 

Me: I didn't know GoDaddy had metrics like that. Can I see the email? 

It turned out to be a notification from GoDaddy, telling them that their DNS has changed for the A Record of their site. The new IP was a lower number than their previous one.

I was on a team working to put up an art exhibition. I was designing the introduction panel, which was going to be a 2m by 2m panel.

It was the most important panel for the exhibition since it would contain all the significant details about the exhibition, so I had to be really careful about font choice, placement, etc. I did the design in Photoshop at a 1:1 ratio so I could get the dimensions exactly right.

Client: (looking at the screen, where the design doesn't LITERALLY measure 2m by 2m, for obvious reasons) Why is the mockup so small? At this size, it will look terrible when we blow it up to print.

Me: Haha, no, it's just because you're seeing it at about 15% of the actual size, so it fits on the screen and you can actually see the entire design. But it's at a 1:1 ratio. It's designed exactly to fit a 2m by 2m panel. 

Client: (pointing at the Photoshop ruler at the top of the screen that ends at 200cm) But this says it's only 200cm. 

Me: Yes, 200cm is the same as 2m.

Client: No, it's not!

Me: ...

FYI, she has a bachelor's degree. 

Client: (owns a kajillion-dollar high-tech state-of-the-art company)

Also Client: (Opens the backup PDF in Powerpoint instead of the Powerpoint file I sent them)

In this case, I was the client and the person I was serving with was the ignoramus. I thought you'd laugh anyway. 

Me: I would like a quote for 500 business cards printed in black and white on two sides.

Printer: Sure! Just let me know how many cards you'd like, if they'd be printed in color or only in black, and if you need two sided printing!

Me: Uh....

Client: Why is the file smaller than the last version?

Me: It's just a different way to compile the file. There shouldn't be any difference when you open it. 

Me: (thinking) You only need this file for a meeting. The video is going to shown on a regular size projector. Are you worried the file won't work on IMAX or something? 

I work at a signage shop in Pretoria, South Africa. We have a semi regular customer that for the 100th time mixed up his order with what he actually wanted.

He came in on a Tuesday to order a ISUZU sticker kit for his truck. You know - those matt black mud splat sticker kits everyone and their sister has these days.

I made him pay a deposit the following day where he once again clearly stated he wasnted an ISUZU kit. I say clearly because more than one person in the shop heard it and even the invoice says ISUZU decals.

On the day of application, he arrived in a Toyota Hilux.