A client hadn’t replied to my latest proof. I asked if he’d seen it yet, to which he replied:
Client: There are too many words. I don’t like to read that much (nor do I have the time), and frankly, I don’t think other people do either.
There were literally seven words on the proof.
Don't read too much into it, from the Clients From Hell archives.
Me: Click on the start button.
Client: Let me just get my daughter, you’ve lost me.
The "start" of a long meeting from the Clients From Hell archives.
Family Member: Oh wow, this poster you made looks so professional!
Non-Designer Coworker: You made this?? It looks so professional!
Friends: Look, they made some business cards for me, they look so professional!
Clients: I'm surprised, this looks so professional!
Me: It's almost like... *gestures broadly to my design diploma, my extensive portfolio, my many years experience and my client list* ...I'm a professional.
I take a call from a client who works in an airport. She has a paper jam in the office printer and straight away demands an engineer onsite yesterday! I get her to describe the problem and know straight away that if she follows my instructions I can have it back working normally in less than five minutes. She refuses to try anything and when I try explaining that I can have the printer working much quicker than an engineer can arrive if she works with me, she screams at the top of her voice and slams down the phone.
The scariest part of the whole thing to me was that she worked as an air traffic controller and got that freaked out by a simple paper jam!
After I sent a client a mockup with Lorem Ipsum as filler text:
Client: It’s good but there is a weird language on the page. It will either need to be translated or removed.
An "are you new here?" from the Clients From Hell archives.
Client: I just did a search for our restaurant on Google and it does not show up on the first page. There is a problem with the website.
Note: Client chose not to pay for SEO services
An "if there's nothing wrong with me there must be something wrong with the universe" moment from the Clients From Hell archives.
Client: Hey, the Google Doc content workbook you sent over? Yeah, could you provide it in a different format, like Word, so I can cut and paste my changes? Would be way better than printing and making handwritten notes and scanning everything.
Me: Umm...
Client: I've heard that we're using asynchronous communications.
Me: That's right.
Client: We should synchronize them.
Client: We have figured out why only a few shop visitors buy: they have to agree to the terms and conditions during checkout. Please remove that.
A "let me remind you what the law says" moment from the Clients From Hell archives.
Client: I want you to do a 3-minute animation for my website. It’s okay if it’s in Flash. How much is that?
Me: That depends, what did you have in mind exactly?
Client: Well, I don’t know. It depends on how much it costs.
Me: The price depends on how complex the designs are, if there is any level of interactivity, if I have to get licensed music, if there is voiceover, etc.
Client: I’m just asking how much 3 minutes of animation is. I don’t know what I want.
Me: Well, the most basic designs start at $3,000 and more complex designs are upwards of $20,000.
Client: WHAT? I thought it would be like $100. I told you, you can do it in Flash.
Me: That’s how much Flash animation costs.
Client: Bullshit. I know Flash does all the animation for you.
An "if it's so easy then do it yourself" moment from the Clients From Hell archives.