Client: I need the logo to be white and in a pdf

I made a white logo in Illustrator and sent it as a PDF.

Client: The attachment is blank, unless the white logo is blending in and I can’t see it. LOL

ME: Haha yes, that’s the case. if you highlight it, you should see the logo.

Client: I don’t know how to highlight.

Then I don’t know how to help you.

I run social media sites for an insurance brokerage. The owner is one of the nicest men I’ve ever met and does tons for charities, so not a CFH, but his knowledge of technology and social media is severely lacking and makes me laugh.

Me: You really should expand your LinkedIn and Facebook because that’s where you can gain future clients and start a dialogue about your business.

Client: Interesting. And what is this here?

He points at the screen.

Me: That is your News Feed.

Client: Why is Cheryl on my News Feed? She isn’t even a part of the company!

Me: Your news feed isn’t your profile. It shows what people you’re connected with are doing.

Client: Amazing! This LinkBook is really something!

Me: …

The bright side is he always thinks I’m a technology guru for the smallest things.

Client: Does anybody know how to screen shot something on an Android?

I show him.

Client: Wow. You’re worth every penny.

Glad I could help.

I’m a web designer. This particular client has a massive website, consisting of tens of thousands of pages.

Client: I want to take out this sentence.

Me: Thanks, I can do that right away. Can you send me the URL?

He sends a screenshot of the offending sentence, circled in red, no URL.

Me: This is great, thank you. Can you tell me what page this is on?

Client: It’s on the [company name] website.

Client: The router you installed isn’t working!

Me: What exactly is the issue?

Client: The internet was down two hours ago, when we called.

Me: You also have IPTV set up, right? Was the TV working, or did it display an error?

Client: I don’t know. The power was down in the whole building.

Me: And you expected your internet connection to work… why exactly?

Client: Why wouldn’t it work if it’s wireless?

We worked on a big website for a client who kept changing their mind, requirements and design. After confronting them with what they approved in the beginning:

Client: Yes, I approved it... But I didn’t know what I was approving.

The project is still dragging and going nowhere.

Technically, this was my boss, not the client. When I started working full-time, I worked for a corporate communications company running the duplication department (videos, CDs, etc). We’d gotten a large CD order that, frankly, we were completely unequipped to handle. 

Me: We can run 12 copies at a time, which it looks like will take about 8 minutes to run. So for 8,000 copies, we’re looking at about two years. We need to get a large-capacity bulk duplicator or else outsource this. 

After some back and forth, we ultimately decided to outsource the order. Since it was a purchasing issue, the boss assured me he’d take care of it.

Two weeks went by, and I didn’t hear anything.

Me: Are we still outsourcing that large order? Do I need to send the originals anywhere?

Boss: I’ll let you know. Why don’t you just give me the originals?

A month later…

Boss: Hey, the client’s asking about the CD order. Did you get it done?

Me: Uh, well… no…?

He then reamed me out for dropping the ball.

Me: … 

I quit shortly after that, and the company lasted another couple years before closing their doors. Turns out I was the first rat to notice the ship was sinking, and the others quickly followed suit.

Client: Could you make the font more poignant? 

You keep using that word... I do not think it means, what you think it means.

Client: Can you do a caricature of one of our editors? We want to use if for the Twitter profile picture.

Me: Sure. Can you send me a couple of pictures of the editor to use as references when you have a moment?

Client: Sorry, we don’t have any. When can you get started?

Me: So you want me to do a caricature of a person when I don’t know what he or she looks like?

Client: Yes. That’s why we’re asking for a caricature and not a portrait.

Me: …

Client: Can you have it done today?

Client: I keep getting an error message when I try to check out. I’ve tried checking out three times and I’ve tried EVERYTHING.

The error message?

“You must be logged into your account to checkout.”

Me: The file is attached to this email. Save it to your desktop and resend if you make any changes.

Client: CAN YOU PLEASE SEND THIS FOR A LAPTOP. No one uses a desktop anymore.