Client: Can you, like, convert a JPG to HTML?
I work in SEO (Search Engine Optimisation). The client decided to question 30% uplift in organic traffic (Year On Year) in an attempt to avoid payment.
Client: This traffic increase happened naturally as the economy grew by 3%. It has nothing to do with your work.
Me: I don’t think that overall economic growth can be directly impacting your rankings. You’re getting more visitors because we improved your rankings.
Client: It does, do you know there are 100,000 babies born every month?
Me: I don’t think they Google.
I sent a proof with measurements shown on two square-shaped previews.
Client: Are these portrait or landscape?
Me: They're squares.
Client: There are 4 dots above the word "sensitivities" in this design. What are they doing there?
Me: Those are the dots on the 'i's.
Client: We need to zoom out more. We can't see the rest of the room in that photo. Everything is getting cut off.
Me: Well, it's a photo and it has edges. The photo ends. That's all that was photographed in the room.
Client: Do you not understand me? Zoom out. I need to see all of the space.
Me: I would have to travel back in time to this shoot, which occurred 2 years ago, and ask the photographer to photograph the entire room, which obviously I cannot.
Client: No, you just don't know how to do it.
I was sent an official Word document to be placed in a report.
Me: This new text says "8-89 November 2018," and you misstated the name of the Official Sponsoring Organization as "Sponsored Official Organization."
Client: Please do the following correction
8-9 Nov. 2918, Official Sponsoring zirgibazaton
Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone.
I have a client that uses a private web application I built for them. It stores personal information.
They want to partner with another company, and that company requires that the web app undergoes a penetration test to check security before they will work together.
Client: I talked to a pentest provider, they say you should ask your host's permission before commissioning the test. Can you check if pentests are allowed?
Me: (after checking) No, my current host does not allow pentests and would suspend the account. I will need to move the web app to a new host. It will cost $X and I can do it at the weekend to avoid disruption. Can you give me the go-ahead to do that?
Client: Oh by the way I arranged the pentest, it's being done tomorrow. Do we still need to move the site?
Me: ...
Obviously I told them to cancel the test immediately but with a 15 hour time difference between myself and the client, I'm really not sure what the next 24 hours will bring.
In the process of developing a site for a client, they insisted on coming in for a meeting to discuss changes. The client arrived at the office with a laptop and a length of cable over their shoulder. In their hands was a router.
Me Why have you brought that router and the power and ethernet cables?
Client: So I could get on the internet and show you guys the site during the meeting.
We didn't bother explaining that we could provide WiFi access. What is more shocking is this client managed to submit a business proposal and get funding to start a business in the first place.
A Kitchen and Cupboard company had a very old, insecure Wordpress site built by someone else, but hosted with us.
Me: This is the third time this year your site's been hacked. Your plugins are old and unsupported and need updates and the whole thing is just a sitting duck. I've fixed the problem but you need to update.
Client: Fine, I'll take care of it.
Me: Obviously you're free to shop around, but if you wanted us to rebuild the site with our system we could remove those vulnerabilities and improve SEO and all that. I think you'd find it a real improvement.
That's when she hit me with a zinger.
Client: Thanks. Nowadays people can build their own sites easily for free just as good, with the tools online.
I didn't tell her that people could also build their own kitchens, but that didn't make them professionals.
There's a reason Web Developers exist, despite those "easy to use tools".
Client: I need you to design some cards.
Me: What size?
The client then held up their phone and traced the outline with their finger.