I am looking for someone to write for my website. I am trying to explain what sets me apart from the other colon hydrotherapists in the valley.I am looking for someone to write for my
I was in a phone call with my client, who was in her mid-fifties.
Client: I need some promotional items done for an event I’m putting together for some of our local ladies.
Me: Sure, what’s the even?
Client: We are calling it “F Yourself.”
Client: I want to get some posters done up that say "F Yourself" and maybe have some bookmarks to hand out to promote the “F Yourself” ladies night.
Client: I have some images I can send over of what I was thinking, if that would help.
Client: Oh, and maybe some flyers. I plan on getting a team together and we are gonna F each other’s doors and cars to help promote the event too.
Me: Let me think about it and get back with you.
She spoke with a strong lisp. After she sent over her ideas through email I quickly realized the event was actually called “Elf Yourself.” It made me feel much better about the project.
A client shoots me an email, asking for a quote to record a live music gig and put the footage together with mastered audio for three of the songs they have on their EP. They need four cameras and operators, someone to mix the recorded audio, and me to piece it all together. I give them a reasonable quote.
They turn me down and instead tell me that they have friends that can do it for a beer. I wish them luck.
Two weeks later, I get a panicked email telling me that all the footage and audio is terrible. They ask for a consult on how to fix it. The audio is unsalvageable (peaking at a dB level in the positive), and the video is poorly framed at best, or missing at worst. They didn’t realise some cameras will only record 20-minute blocks.
They beg me to do something with it, saying money is no object. I take the footage, apply colour grading and Super-8 filters to make it look like it’s intentionally bad, and add the audio from their EP to the footage. The end result is actually really good and looks like they intended to do it all the time.
I wind up charging them the exact amount I quoted to start with, only without doing most of the work.
After a weeks-long search for the perfect unique, eye-catching font for his project, my client spotted one he LOVED on some website, and tried to show me by copying some text and pasting it into our chat window.
Of course, when you do that, the text loses formatting and reverts to Arial (or whatever the default chat font is). Despite my repeated attempts to explain this, he just kept getting irritated and pasting the same thing again.
Eventually I convinced him to just give me the page’s URL so I could see this font myself.
The font turned out to actually be Arial.
Several years ago, when I was working for a small ad agency, we were approached by a woman who was dating a lawyer who was also a lounge singer in his spare time. She wanted us to design a business card and a CD booklet for his new album that he was releasing.
The woman was a self proclaimed “visionary” and she was the “driving force behind the creative” of this man’s album. These are clients you run from screaming, but we were a small struggling agency, so we took the job on.
My coworker comped up both the business card and the booklet and she came in to look at it. I heard the entire conversation while I was sitting in my cubicle, and it was completely ridiculous.
Coworker: Okay, so here’s what I did. I tried to keep a clean look and kept the font consistent through the whole thing, and…
Client: Well, it’s good, but I hate the font.
Coworker: Okay, what would you like it changed to?
Client: You know, like… oh, a hamburger font.
Coworker: A… hamburger font.
Client: Yes, you know. Make it a hamburger font and it will be completely perfect.
Coworker: Alright… I… I guess I’ll just do that, then.
The client leaves.
Coworker: What the #$@% is a hamburger font?
The rest of the office tried to figure out exactly what she meant. It was then that I yelled over the cubicle wall “Wait… she didn’t mean Hamburger Upright, did she?”
He gave her a few different versions, and he decided to do one that was set in Hamburger Upright, just for the hell of it.
My coworker showed the client the business card with Hamburger Upright in place of the original font and she LOVED it.
I was working with a pair of clients on creating a promotional piece and after several rounds of changes, the one client was a little frustrated on all the back and forth and sent this email over:
Client: Whatever you and destiny decide.
After reading the full email several times, I realized the client was emailing me from their phone and had intended to put the partner’s name in but was autocorrected to ‘destiny.'
Bummer. I thought I’d just gotten the best Carte Blanche ever–how can you top destiny?
I’m kind of a font connoisseur. What about Times New Roman?
Client: We need it to be loudly subtle, but peppered with frivolity that is harbored in a unique sense of aesthetic chaos. Remember to keep it simple, clean and concise; however, you may feel free to experiment with the underlying subtext of the piece. Contrast. Juxtaposition. Opposites. It needs to scream at you, while remaining silently enraged.
Me: That all sounds great, but keep in mind that this is a 2.625” x 1” mailing label.
Client: Oh, sure! Just make sure our logo is on it.
A friend of mine’s father knows that I do some web design. The following conversation occurred when I was over at her house.
Father: I have a business idea. How hard is it to make a Facebook?
Me: Oh, very easy.
Daughter: He doesn’t mean to make a Facebook profile. He means to re-make all of Facebook.
Me: Oh. Very hard.
Father: Oh, okay.