I did freelance database design and data entry. I once had a client on Wall Street who hired me to do data entry on his client and prospect list.

Client: I need a bunch of data entry done tonight. Would you mind working outside your normal hours? It’s an emergency.

Because he had been a good client I agreed at my overtime rate.

Client: The files are in an envelope on my desk. Just pick them up from my office.

I picked up the envelope and got to work. The files were there… along with a set of photos of his wife. First, his wife in a dress. Then in a bikini. Then performing various sex acts with multiple men.

The client was nowhere in the pictures, which somehow makes sense to me. I never mentioned it and neither did he.

He paid the bill, and then I never returned his calls.

I’m a graphic designer in a print shop. A client came in wanting to self-publish a 700-page novel.

Client: How much would it cost to print millions of copies?

Me: …

Me: Uh… Okay, well maybe you’d want to start with a smaller quantity and see how those sell first?

Client: This is going to be a big movie someday, so if you have a bulk rate I might as well get that.

Talking to her, it turns out that she does have high level contacts so I start to think maybe she does have a shot at success.  

Until I read her writing. It’s HORRIBLE. the text is full of obvious mistakes, there are full paragraphs without a single comma, there are three characters (3!) with the same name, and the whole story is just so confusing!

Me: Have you considered hiring a professional proofreader or editor? After all, you don’t want to pay and print millions of copies of books that are full of errors.

Client: Oh, there’s no worry of that. I studied English in college.

Me: Uh…

Anyway, she asked me to do the corrections I found to the best of my knowledge and even offered to pay me. I figured why not, signed an agreement, and proceeded to read that thing.

It was worse than I thought. Spelling errors everywhere. She frequently mixed up “their,” “they’re” and “there,” “are” for “our” and once wrote “hors d’oeuvres” as “ordures.” (I guess technically, that was French instead of English). I found so many atrocities in the first chapter it’s unbelievable.

Me: Pardon me, but there are really a lot of errors here. I just read a whole paragraph and couldn’t tell what was going on at all.

Her response?

Client: Can you even read English?

I did a branding project for a small restaurant. Defining the colors took forever because the client changed her mind a couple of times. Then this happened:

Client: I ordered signs and they are all in the wrong color.

Me: What do you mean? We are not done with the color definition.

Client: I sent them your first draft.

Me: What? Why would you do that?

Client: I was talking about this “dark blue” from day one. I have this particular color in my mind and I talked to you about this. I thought we were sync.

Me: But I can’t read your mind. I’m trying my best to get as close as possible.

Three days later I received an email with a bill attached (3600€). The client demanded that I pay for the signs since it is my fault that I don’t get it right the first time.