I did freelance database design and data entry. I once had a client on Wall Street who hired me to do data entry on his client and prospect list.

Client: I need a bunch of data entry done tonight. Would you mind working outside your normal hours? It’s an emergency.

Because he had been a good client I agreed at my overtime rate.

Client: The files are in an envelope on my desk. Just pick them up from my office.

I picked up the envelope and got to work. The files were there… along with a set of photos of his wife. First, his wife in a dress. Then in a bikini. Then performing various sex acts with multiple men.

The client was nowhere in the pictures, which somehow makes sense to me. I never mentioned it and neither did he.

He paid the bill, and then I never returned his calls.

I’m a graphic designer in a print shop. A client came in wanting to self-publish a 700-page novel.

Client: How much would it cost to print millions of copies?

Me: …

Me: Uh… Okay, well maybe you’d want to start with a smaller quantity and see how those sell first?

Client: This is going to be a big movie someday, so if you have a bulk rate I might as well get that.

Talking to her, it turns out that she does have high level contacts so I start to think maybe she does have a shot at success.  

Until I read her writing. It’s HORRIBLE. the text is full of obvious mistakes, there are full paragraphs without a single comma, there are three characters (3!) with the same name, and the whole story is just so confusing!

Me: Have you considered hiring a professional proofreader or editor? After all, you don’t want to pay and print millions of copies of books that are full of errors.

Client: Oh, there’s no worry of that. I studied English in college.

Me: Uh…

Anyway, she asked me to do the corrections I found to the best of my knowledge and even offered to pay me. I figured why not, signed an agreement, and proceeded to read that thing.

It was worse than I thought. Spelling errors everywhere. She frequently mixed up “their,” “they’re” and “there,” “are” for “our” and once wrote “hors d’oeuvres” as “ordures.” (I guess technically, that was French instead of English). I found so many atrocities in the first chapter it’s unbelievable.

Me: Pardon me, but there are really a lot of errors here. I just read a whole paragraph and couldn’t tell what was going on at all.

Her response?

Client: Can you even read English?

I did a branding project for a small restaurant. Defining the colors took forever because the client changed her mind a couple of times. Then this happened:

Client: I ordered signs and they are all in the wrong color.

Me: What do you mean? We are not done with the color definition.

Client: I sent them your first draft.

Me: What? Why would you do that?

Client: I was talking about this “dark blue” from day one. I have this particular color in my mind and I talked to you about this. I thought we were sync.

Me: But I can’t read your mind. I’m trying my best to get as close as possible.

Three days later I received an email with a bill attached (3600€). The client demanded that I pay for the signs since it is my fault that I don’t get it right the first time.

I recently responded to an ad for someone wanting some illustrations done for their book. The ad contained an amazing line:  

Client: I refuse to pay upfront for any work whatsoever. You don’t pay to have your A/C fixed upfront first so I won’t pay for unusable artwork.

While I knew to avoid this client, I responded to this to see if this was ignorant or self-important. It turned out to be both, with a side of hate.

Me: Hey there, I have reasonable rates, I’ll be glad to do your drawings for you! Check my portfolio. I just want to point out that it’s very common to pay something upfront. I work under a contract, so that guarantees that you get what you ordered. Does that work for you?

Within an hour, I received a brilliant, one-line response.

Client: Eat sh*t, you lazy c**t.

Me: I’m a professional who knows what they’re talking about so you might want to consider my advice. Anyway, I will not be responding to you any more due to your language.

This time the response came faster.

Client: Hurry up and die faster.

I couldn’t believe anyone would be that awful to someone for using a tested approach for receiving a fair wage for work. I reverse searched his phone number out of curiosity and found out a few things about him. One: he has a doctorate. Two: he’s an advocate for marijuana legalization. Three: he’s a supporter of the Humanity Project and Anonymous. I’m not sure how those things in particular add up to someone this unpleasant, but it does paint a picture.

Me: So who will be managing this project? Yourself or your client?

Client: Our client. We don’t want to get involved.

Me: Ok, so should I contact them for the requirements and processes?

Client: No, please don’t contact them. Everything needs to go through us as we need to make sure the client and costs are kept under control.

Me: No problem. That sounds like you’ll be managing this project then.

Client: I suppose it depends on what you mean by “managing”

And to nobody’s surprise, the project was cancelled the next day.

I had a meeting with a prospective client about creating their website. 

I created a sample preliminary proposal containing some designs and an offer to create their (small) site for $XXX. I didn’t hear from the Client for a while, then contacted them to follow up on the proposal. 

Client: Hey, we really liked your design. But we decided to go with an agency. They’ll do it for $XXXX

Me: Oh, I see. My quote was $XXX for the same job

Client: Yeah, you are just by yourself and they are a bunch of people. 

I check and their new site is all dark text on magenta background with yellow accents and the text is presented in gif images. 

Funny thing, the Client also ran a business solo.  

A client I’d been working with for a while wanted a brochure designed. She didn’t like the photo I chose for the cover, so I sent her 10 links with the photos she might like instead. It took her a week to pick one because she kept sending other stuff that she wanted to be done, at which stage the emails were completely disorganised with her replies scattered all over my inbox, and I’m guessing hers as well.

After a week of nagging about everything else, she finally remembers to pick a photo and nudges me to send her the pdf ASAP because it’s URGENT and should have been done ALREADY which… was kind of on her. Whatever.

Almost a week later, she calls all irate about a printing problem. I call the printer, he says he simply needs A3 because I had sent him A4. Fixed that and forgot about it.

Almost a week later, she calls me foaming at the mouth.

Client: (angry) The couch in the photo is dirty!

Me: Wait, is this a problem with the print, or something in the original photo, or…

Client: It wasn’t dirty before so it must be something you did when you changed it from A4 to A3. 

Me: Uh… it really doesn’t work that way.

She doesn’t listen because she’s determined I sabotaged her brochure.

Me: I understand that you’re upset, but please remember I gave you several options. You chose that photo.

Client: (even angrier) Well you people should know better and have an eye for details! You should notice if a couch has a stain!

She asks me to open a pdf on my computer and see it for myself, like an idiot. I look at it, and *** me, there really is a tiny stain. Unfortunately, it was barely visible on the screen but something about the print made it more obvious. Not great, but also not the most pressing issue.

Client: I’m sorry for the oversight. I can send you a new photo ASAP and you can order a new print run. I won’t charge you for the edits and you only spent about $100 printing the first run – that’s not that damaging.

At this point, she’s screaming because her printer is leaving tomorrow and her business is failing (because of me, obviously, and the 50 stupid Euros she spent to print these, and not at all because she’s a disorganised jerk who does everything at the last minute).

She spent the next thirty minutes screaming at me and shot me down every time I tried to suggest a solution. I guess if your business is failing, it’s easier to get mad at someone else.

I’m a freelance video editor. I accepted a job from an acquaintance for a hugely discounted price - she had created an art installation and wanted me to put together footage she had.

It was going fine; I sent her a rough cut, she had a few notes, which I followed, etc. She payed, I delivered the full resolution file, and I assumed we were done.

Silly me. I get this email two weeks afterwards.

Client: Hi, I added credits to the end. Can you make sure they are high-resolution?

Me: The file I sent you upon receiving payment was at full resolution according to the raw files I was given. I would be happy to be of assistance, but I am unclear of what you would like me to do with this file.

What the actual hell?

The credits were obviously done in iMovie - they animated in and out obnoxiously, and the font was childish and clashed with the serious subject matter of the art installation. She had also managed to export the entire file at a much lower resolution than the one I gave her.

Client: I just wanted you to make the credits and titles look good. I had to put them in because I had a deadline and you didn’t do it fast enough. I don’t see why you’re offended.

Note: she had never asked for credits or titles during the week or so I worked on the project, through multiple revisions.

Me: …O-kay… I can do the titles. But I’m going to have to send you a separate invoice for the extra work.

So I had to go back to my original file and copy her title/credit text into formats and fonts that didn’t look like a middle school project done at the last minute.

She paid me and I sent it off – and quietly decided not to work with her again.

Pro-tip: if you’re hiring freelancers, don’t pretend you can do their job better than we can. You can’t, or you wouldn’t need to hire us.