Client: Hey! This DVD with the commercial doesn't work!
Me: What do you mean it doesn’t work?
Client: I put it in the computer and this menu comes up and plays four seconds of music on a loop.
Me: Do you see the little icon in the bottom left of the screen that is a freeze-frame of your commercial?
Client: Yeah.
Me: Click that with your mouse.
Client: That seems like a lot of work.
The epitome of laziness, from the Clients From Hell archives.
I had a client, retirement age, who was looking for a website for his new business. It was a pretty simple website since he was just starting so I quoted him a basic package of up to five pages. He sent over content for us to get started; it wasn't a lot so it really only warranted one page, broken up into sections. We designed it fairly quickly and emailed the dev link for review.
The client calls with some simples edits and he is referencing where the edits are by page numbers. I was super confused and kept asking him for the sections titles so I knew where he was talking about. I soon realized he had printed his website and therefore was referring to his page numbers. We finally got through his edits when he asked if according to the quote he could have another page.
Still confused, I then realized that since his website was printed on 4.5 sheets he assumed that he has met his page limit for his website.
I didn't want to make him feel stupid so I told him adding an additional page wouldn't be a problem. I guess there is a first time for everything!
Client: *holding an old brochure* If you have this on your computer, we can just update the information.
Me: Great, that’s easy.
Client: But can you change the font?
Me: Sure.
Client: This picture doesn’t really work. And the background is a little too…. frilly. And the title should--
Me: Why don’t you tell me what to keep first.
Client: I like the trifold.
Another "small little change", from the Clients From Hell archives.
I was working as a contract copy editor for a well-known music magazine. The managing editor told me he had conducted a telephone interview with a fairly famous musician and wanted me to edit the transcript for clarity, in other words to take out all the "um"s and "uhh"s and generally clean it up for publication. I got to work, and began reading the transcript. About halfway through, the musician began telling a story that became increasingly pornographic and explicit, using a number of four-letter words and extremely demeaning language.
Me: I don't think we can run this section of the story, it's not really appropriate for our publication. At the very least we'll need to censor it.
The client begins laughing hysterically.
Me: What?
Client: Yeah, I know. He didn't actually say any of that. I just threw that in there to make sure you were really paying attention. If you didn't flag it, I was going to fire you. I do that every now and then to make sure people are doing their jobs.
Me: Okay, well... great?
I was amazed that the editor of a major publication would intentionally add errors to his copy just to "test" his staff. Fortunately, I didn't stay there long.
Client: What is the opposite of Z?
Me: … of Z?
Client: Yeah, I’m doing the ctrl+Z thing and I went too far back in time. You know that scene in The Time Machine where he goes too far back in time?
Me: Yeah.
Client: Like that.
Wishing you could ctrl+X this moment, from the Clients From Hell archives.
I’ve been re-creating a series of medical illustrations for an online hemophilia handbook. One of the diagrams is an example of parents passing on X and Y chromosomes to potential offspring. The client wanted the new diagram to be more “ethnically diverse” than the original.
After several hours and much illustrating later:
Client: I love it! But, I gave it some thought, and I don’t want readers to insinuate that ethnic people are more predisposed to hemophilia. Can you just do stick figures instead?
A desperate "please don't cancel me" moment, from the Clients From Hell archives.
I have been contracted for many years to make content updates to a Joomla website. This past week, this client had her "programmer", who can't be bothered to do updates, transfer this website over to WordPress. Other than a few minor changes in updating content, it was fairly seamless. This client also has me in charge of her Constant Contact eBlasts, which are scheduled ahead for several months and usually have up to ten scheduled at any one time.
One problem: all the files being moved from Joomla to Wordpress meant that all the file locations of the images uploaded for the eBlasts had a different URL and all the URLs of the links were also changed. She emailed me all in a snit because the eBlast went out and the links and images were broken. I patiently explained to her that all the image locations were now different, as were the files in her website that the eBlasts were linked to, and that I would have to go in and recode all ten of the scheduled eBlasts so that the images would appear and the links would work. I did so and then invoiced her for my time.
She blew a gasket.
Client: You must get my permission before making any extensive changes to my website!
But I didn't make any changes to her website. I never touched her website. She ragged on and on about her wonderful programmer and her wonderful new website (which is ugly as f***).
Client: How dare you make any changes to my website like that without my permission?!
I replied back in ALL CAPS, which I never do.
Me: I ONLY UPDATED YOUR TEN BROKEN EBLASTS ON CONSTANT CONTACT.
Now I regret being the nice person and being proactive to fix them all, even though I know she'd email me about every last one if they went out broken and throw me under the bus. Trust me, I've been under that bus with her so many times I could work on the transmission.
I explained yet again, as if to a very small child:
Me: The changes I made were to the eBlast code in Constant Contact, which has nothing to do with your website.
She spent four more emails ragging on, demanding that I ask permission, telling me she didn't know anything about code (which is obvious), but how dare I change her website?!
I finally gave up. After all these years of working for her, the stupidity was just too much to deal with. (That and never being paid on time.)
A client asked me to color some black and white pictures of his mother as a child.
Client: It’s for her funeral next week.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry to hear about her passing. What type of hair color and skin tone did your mother have as a child?
Client: I’ll snip a piece of her hair off. You can scan it and take the color from there.
Me: …
A "no thank you!" moment, from the Clients From Hell archives.
Me: If you can just send me your logo, I can get started on your website design.
Client: If you can just put our name with a commercial-looking tall building, that would be fine.
Me: Oh, if I’m creating your logo, then you would need to purchase one of our branding packages. You’ve only opted into a web design package.
Client: No devil emblems or Black Sabbath symbols, please.
Me: ...
My first client as a digital marketing specialist was epic. I went to meet him for brunch and to discuss the timeline of the changes he wanted me to do on his website. I have to mention we initially talked on the phone.
Everything is nice and good, I have already ordered one coffee, one tea (because he accidentally mentioned he’s more into exotic teas) and some cookies. He arrives at the lounge and I can see him from the table waiting inside, in front of the door and looking around.
On my way to invite him to the table, I can see his eyes getting bigger and suddenly a disappointed face shows up.
Client: What? Is that you? I… I didn’t expect a child.
I am 21.
Client: Sorry, I don’t wanna waste my time.
Me: Nice to meet you too! I guess my voice and advice sounded pretty smart on the phone if you thought I was older! Don’t want to waste my time either, I’m going to finish my coffee and I’ll send back papaya and kumquat tea I ordered for you.
The client smiles genuinely and invites me to the table:
Client: Show me what you got, kiddo!