Client: I didn’t want XP; I wanted Vista.

Me: But you asked for XP.

Client: But I want Vista now.

Me: I’m sorry sir, but you signed the form; it says right here in bold letters that there is no return on software.

Client: I only signed it. I didn’t read it.

Me: Again, I’m sorry; but it’s in bold letters for you to pay attention to it.

Client: Maybe YOU should pay attention!

The client then grabs the form from my hands and runs out of the store. Three minutes later, he comes back in silence.

Client: …I left the CD

He then apologized and returned the form. 

Another "why buy a wheel when we can reinvent it!" moment, from the Clients From Hell archives.

A client wants an assessment according to CENELEC standards (the standardization of electrical engineering). I am an assessor.

Me: This is a violation of the process as the standard clearly states [process] should be done.

Client: According to our internal process we do it [other way].

Me: That is a clear contradiction to the normative requirements, so the assessment result would become negative.

Client: But... it is our PROCESS!

Me: You want an assessment according to CENELEC standards?

Client: YES!

Me: Then you have to fulfill them.

Client: Do we really need to do all that's written there?

Client: I know we can't use Disney characters for our flyer because of copyright.

Me: You'd be surprised how often I get that request, actually.

Client: I know, people just don't understand that you can't get away with that sort of thing. Let's use Shrek. 

I have told my client several times that we can’t just Google an image and plug that on our website or printed materials. Yet, she still does.

Finally, we saw some backlash because of it. A large newspaper called us and told our eMedia specialist that if we didn’t take a certain image down, they would sue us. I thought for sure this would teach the client. Instead, she told him to Google another image to replace it with. 

Me: I will just need a vector file of your logo before I can get those mock-ups going for you.

Client: Here is my logo. Could you also remove the text off of the logo?

Me: Sure. This is a jpeg though. I will need a vector file for printing and to remove the text.

Client: Can’t you just add a new layer and paint over it?

Me: Well, yes, I suppose. But I will still need the vector file for printing, this image isn’t high enough resolution for what you’re looking to print.

Client: Can’t you just turn the resolution up in Photoshop?

Me: It doesn’t work that way. The image will still be low quality and pixilated.

Client: Well I’m not at home right now so I can’t send you the file. Just go on Google Images and look for it, that’s how I found it. 

From the Clients From Hell archives!

Client: Can we use Disney princesses?

Me: They're copyrighted, so no.

Client: Even Cinderella? But nobody even likes her! 

I'm a Freelance digital accessibility consultant. In an accessibility audit for a client, I noticed an egregious digital accessibility defect. 

They offered me $50,000 CAD to ignore it, and "handshake assurance" that they'd pay the fine I'd incur if I got caught. The "assurance" was offered in person, without any signatures - me pointing out the problem and then "overlooking it" would have an email paper trail. 

The fine would be between $100,000 and $150,000 CAD. They offered me $50,000.

It would have cost $1,000 to fix, with the added bonus of not leaving the future of my career in the hands of a clearly shady client. 

I was putting together a website for a local business. Part of the job included rotating testimonials from actual customers, pulled from online reviews. 

Client: These customer testimonials aren't positive enough.

Me: Well, they're the testimonials you have.

Client: Just make up some better ones and use the same names.

When's the last time a client asked you to do something you weren't comfortable doing? We want to know!

This story takes place sometime around 2007, after I had graduated college, but before being a full-time designer. This interaction soured me on working with clients so badly that I have not returned to freelance work.

Just after college graduation I was working as a security guard and picking up freelance graphic design contracts. One of my fellow co-workers asked me for my services in designing a logo, letterhead, and business card designs for his start-up company.

Being fresh out of college I only quoted a $300 fee. After a week of design ideas and lots of back and forth we agreed on five design concepts that he would show to his business partners. I fleshed these designs out a bit more and packaged everything into a very nice, very professional, very expensive, acrylic portfolio folder that I was given as a gift from a family member for graduating college.

The following day, when I arrived at my security job, my fellow co-worker called in sick. And the day after. And the day after that... and for the remainder of the week. He then quit. Taking my portfolio folder and all of my design work with him.

After not being able to contact my now former co-worker for well over a month I was resigned to the idea that I was not going to see my work, and my portfolio, again. So, I moved on, using online forums to search for clients.

One of those online clients was looking for a designer to take some of their sketches and convert them into vector designs for use online and for printing. I reached out thinking it would be an easy gig and got an email back containing what they were looking for and images of all of my sketches that I made for my former co-worker.

I had watermarked all of my images when I presented them to said former co-worker; even pencilling in a watermark on my original sketch work. They were looking to have someone remove the watermarks and digitize the work. I emailed from my freelancer account and set up a meeting.

We agreed to meet at a local coffee shop. I made sure to sit in my car until my former co-worker went inside first. I followed behind and sat down at his table right as he was pulling out his chair. He was not happy to see me. Nor I him.

Long story short, after some choice words in a public space, I was able to get my portfolio back. I was never paid. I am so happy that we now live in a more integrated digital age where I don't have to give out physical portfolios.

What's the most absurd length a client has gone to not pay you?

I'm a food photographer for restaurants. I have a contract for all my clients to sign.  Starting work with a new client, I gave it to them:

Client: I'm never going to read it. Just summarize it for me.

I did. He signed it.

A couple of weeks later, I saw my photos on their Instagram account - butchered with Instagram filters. My contract states photos may be used in social media but must remain "unedited and unaltered." I messaged the client politely to ask them to remove the post and remove the edits if they'd still like to use the image. 

Client: You told me I didn't need to credit you for the photos, so I own them - I can do whatever I want with them. I don't like to work with people who give me trouble."

Me: That's not what I said, and the contract you signed is much more clear on the matter.

Client: I regret hiring you. I did you a favor by giving you business plus complimentary food. Don't forget, you asked me for business - I didn't ask you.

But I also asked you to not infringe on my copyright? 

Client: For this newsletter, I want Elsa and Olaf telling our customers not to "let go" these deals.

Me: I can't do that in good faith. Those are copyrighted characters, and if it gets to Disney they could sue both you and me.

Client: But why not? People use those characters all the time!  

Me: My advice is to Let It Go.