I was searching for jobs on the freelance job boards. I chatted with a team at a remote marketing agency about their needs for a freelance Project Manager. The Client (the Marketing Agency Director), was being evasive about some details of the freelance Project Management role we were discussing. This was concerning to me. The agency worked on website development, social media, paid ads, online content projects, and more.

I decided to be direct in our second conversation.

Me: How many clients do you currently have, and what are their needs?

Client: We have about 40 clients with different requirements and goals. We don’t stick to one niche.

Me: And I would be managing the project communications and tracking project status for all of these clients?

Client: Yes

I value my sanity too much. No thanks.

I talked with a potential client about improving SEO for a large business. The client worked with the company for a year, and I noticed his background did not include any website development, UX, or online content writing experience.

Client: We need someone to improve the SEO for this business. We have worked on the website, but we still have a long way to go. What would you do to improve the SEO?

At this point, I was starting to suspect he was trying to get free advice out of me. Still, I wanted the job.

Me: There are lots of factors that impact SEO. I would look at adding more quality website content, working on the imagery, improving page titles and meta descriptions, and improving the overall design and UX of the sites.

Client: I see. Yeah, we need to improve all those things.

He proceeded to ask me various other detailed questions about ways I would improve the website and SEO. My responses were detailed and helpful. I discussed everything from social media to the value of business listing sites.

Client: Well, we’ll let you know if we want to bring you on board. IF.

That "IF" was delivered in a snide tone.

That red flag made me look at the project more critically. It was much larger than one person could reasonably do by oneself, probably requiring a studio to take it on. 

At the same time, the pay was average (at best) and did not reflect the scope of work. I sent him an e-mail the next day stating I wasn’t interested in the job.

That was three months ago. The job listing remains open, in a large city with lots of talent. I wonder why they had a hard time filling it…

I was working on a project for a client who told me he wanted to market his services on Instagram and with Google ads.

Me: I'm open to it, but in my experience, you need to do more than just post on Instagram and Google ads. You need to update the website, work on your SEO, up your online presence and more. 

Client: I just need these two things. 

For the next few weeks, the client made me present plans in painstaking detail. He knew very little about digital marketing and wanted me to explain every little decision. through many weeks of planning in painstaking detail (since the client knows very little about digital marketing).

I was a bit curious to see if Instagram and Google Ads would be all that he needed but also assumed it wouldn't be, and that he'd see that eventually. 

During this time, the client left on two vacations while paying me a very low hourly rate. He was very busy with his work and hardly had time to respond to my e-mails. 

A month later, the Instagram marketing campaign wasn’t making much of an impact (as I had suspected). The very low budget for the paid online ads wasn’t making a difference, either. 

Me: This is all in line with what I said before. I think to see results, you need to raise the budget for Google ads, update your business listings and work on the SEO of your website. We should probably be trying other social media platforms as well. 

At this point, he became upset and started arguing with me.

At this point, I realized I had spent weeks trying to educate and plan with the client, and it would be more months of hand-holding which I just didn’t have the energy for anymore.

The marketing department of a well-known charity got in touch with an urgent request for an online ad campaign. I travelled to their head office a few days later and went through the brief. It was an exciting opportunity and a cause close to my heart.

Client: This is really quite urgent, so we'd appreciate a swift response. We've had two other designers let us down recently, so we're really behind schedule.

The deadline was in four weeks' time.

I send a design proposal the next day. One week later:

Client: We love your ideas! We need to discuss them internally, then we'll be in touch. Brilliant work!

Two weeks later:

Me: Just following up on the proposal as I'm aware the deadline is fast-approaching. If you could let me know, that would be great.

<tumbleweed>

Four weeks later, I assume they've found another designer. Fair enough - onwards and upwards.

Three months later:

Client: Hi! We're still keen to have you on board! Are you available? Let me know ASAP!

Me: Yes, I have limited availability this month - please let me know what you need.

One month later:

Nada.

I have a nagging suspicion that this ethos may extend to their accounts department. Noping my way out of this one.

I was hired to create clay relief illustrations for a kids educational workbook. The owner of the animation company who hired me was excited about my style and had me come into his studio to start work immediately. It’s important to note that he walked into the ceramics studio I work at and specially asked if there were any ceramic artists for hire. The task was that I’d make about 12-15 flat clay relief illustrations that could be easily photographed from a top-down camera angle. 

The first red flag came when the client made me sit beside him as he meticulously sketched each page design on his laptop, then got irritated that I wasn’t familiar with using Photoshop on a Mac. (He specifically hired me because I’m a ceramic artist, and also wouldn’t allow me to use Photoshop on my own laptop. He also said that sketching on paper wasn’t allowed.)

He then presented me with a box of half-used Sculpy clay that was full of dust, some of the colors mixed together. Sculpy that had been used during kids animation classes that he now expected to be used in his new professional project. I explained that I’d been hired as a ceramic artist and assumed I’d be able to use clay and glaze I was familiar with using.

He told me that I’d be expected to work in his studio and that I was making things very difficult by demanding to work, you know, in the actual ceramics studio he visited to find ceramic artists.

I was already there, so I decided to give it a shot. He told me to make him a bee. I made a flat bee with 3D elements- but surprise, he actually wanted a full 3D model. I explained this was all gonna be hard to photograph and waste a lot of time, and reminded him he’d hired me to make a relief, which was flat with 3D details.

I finished the bee, and for two hours he critiqued it, demanding I change the size of the stripes, change the wings, criticizing ‘imperfections’, and making me add legs. Finally, when I was done, he was irritated that the 3D model didn’t sit flat on a table. The following conversation happens:

Me: This is just a test model. We’re making reliefs, right? The bugs in the relief will be attached right to the rest of the piece. I’ll make the background first as a flat layer, then add 3D bugs and plants so you can photograph it.

Client: No, we’ll use this bee. Is it ready to photograph?

Me: ...No. I need to make the entire clay illustration. You want these made from ceramic, right? It’ll be much faster and better quality if I work in my own studio with my own materials.

Client: Can you just bring the clay here?

Me: It’s a different clay, it needs to be put through the kiln. I’m honestly not familiar with Sculpy and it’s a completely different technique.

Client: It took you hours to make this bee! This is gonna take forever! You need to work in my studio since you needed so much guidance.

Me: You hired me because you loved my art. I work much faster with clay that needs to go into a kiln, it’s a totally different material. You’ll need to trust me and let me work if you want me to do this.

Client: I can’t pay you what you quoted. You just took so long. What if we just did a few bugs in clay and photoshopped the rest of the drawing? How much would you charge for one bug?

Me: $30. 

Client: That’s way too much! 

Me: If I made this just to sell as an ornament, I’d charge $40 because of how big you wanted it with all the details.

Client: ...Well, we’re gonna have to discuss this. Come in tomorrow from 10am-4pm.

Me: Yeah cool. 

I didn’t go back. I emailed him that night to tell him he’d be better off either hiring an actual Sculpy artist or figuring it out himself.

Client: Hey, real quick...

Me: (delete)

I once volunteered (I know, I know) to make posters advertising a pantomime production to raise money for charity. I had some friends acting in the show and thought it would be a nice thing to do, so I signed up.

I asked for the information and the vibe they were going for and started designing. A few days later, I got an email.

Client: We've just secured the artist we're using for the poster art, they'll send you a copy of the artwork as soon as it's finished!

This was the first I'd heard of any artist, but it meant less work for me if all I had to do was put the text on the image, so I readily agreed. Little did I know that was only the beginning. 

Artist: I've finished the artwork, when would you like to come to pick it up?

This was the first I'd heard about having to pick it up. They lived quite a way away and there was no way I could afford to travel to collect one piece of art for a volunteer project.

Me: Could you scan it instead?

Artist: I don't know how to scan images, is a photograph okay?

By this point, the play was about two weeks away, so I just agreed and spent the day trying to clear up a shaky photograph and added the text. I sent it into the client.

Client: Great, now can you set up the ticketing? Also, can you send these to a printer and have them printed onto A3 gloss paper? Also, we've made you an administrator on the play's Facebook event page, can you update it and post photographs/bios of the actors?

Me: I didn't agree to do any of that. I don't even have enough information to set up the ticketing, only you can do that. I'm not organizing the printing either but I can recommend a reputable printer.

I even arranged for someone else to take photos of the actors and upload bios of the actors. After all that, I thought I was done. A couple of days later, however, I got another email.

Client: The posters have arrived! They look great! Please come down later today and post them around town. The production is soon!

I was blown away that they thought this was part of my job.

Still,  because of a mixture of incredulity and desire to have someone actually buy tickets to this pantomime (it was for charity after all), I actually did go down to the theatre with a friend and spent the afternoon walking around town distributing posters.

Never again.

I was working for a mid-size marketing company as their sole Graphic Designer and Developer, both for in-house and client work. As requested I built a quiz/survey product for them that we could quickly turn around and sell on to clients as a "bespoke" product, somehow managing to develop a v1 inside of 5 days whilst handling all my other usual tasks. It was a working product, including a whole library of custom CSS animations and a whole host of other features. I proudly presented this to the director.

Client: ...Where's the rest of it?

Me: The rest of it?

Client:  I could have got some guy in India to build this for £5... It's taken you 5 days, that's cost me £3000!

Me: (ignoring the brazen insult) ...Not really. It's cost you a week of my wage, as this was built internally for our product line and not for a client in particular. That money can be made back in 1 order at your rates, by the way. And besides I could have turned it around quicker if I wasn't covering other projects during that time. 

Director: I don't think you're THAT busy.

Me: ...

Soon after this meeting, they decided to let me go (despite my manager and other managers contesting the decision as a bad idea). Then I saw 2 job openings for the company, 1 for a developer, and 1 for a graphic designer.

They needed two people to replace me, but I "wasn't THAT busy"? 

Me: This deadline is really tight. I might have to ask my developer to work on a weekend just to meet it. I don't really like asking my guys to do that. Are you sure it's necessary? 

Client: Good, I'm your paying client. I expect you to work round the clock until the website is done.

As I am about to start working for a client as a software developer, I decided to use one of the more popular online legal services to create a simple contract to help protect me.

It didn't. Here are some choice sections from the contract, verbatim:

Contractor shall:

(ii) Devote as much productive time, energy and ability to the performance of its duties under this Agreement as may be necessary to provide the required Services;

(vii) Provide services and end products that are satisfactory to the Company and free of defects;

(viii) remove, replace or correct all or any portion of the work or end products found defective or unsuitable, without additional cost or risk to the Company.

I wonder why they called it an "Independent Contractor Agreement" and not an "Indentured Servitude Agreement"?