Client: We need you to design a banner for us using the logo you created.

Me: Sure, okay. What are the dimensions?

Client: Well… here’s a picture of the room to give you an idea of how big it should be.

Me: Okay, but I need exact numbers.

Client: (frustrated) How do you expect me to know? I’m not in the room to measure it!

Me: I’m afraid I would only be wasting time without measurements.

Client: Fine, okay. Hold on, my co-worker just texted me; yeah, he said that it should be four laptop sizes wide.

Me: …Okay, so is this banner going to be digital now? Like, on a screen?

Client: I don’t see what’s so difficult about this. You’re supposed the be the expert.

A failure to communicate from the Clients From Hell archives! 

Client: Can you make the thingy less?

Me: Uh... 

Client: You know, the thingy, can you make it less?

Turns out she was asking if I could make the logo smaller. 

This conversation took four minutes. 

Client: I would like the logo to be more horizontal than rectangular.

From the Clients From Hell archives!

Me: Any feedback?

Client: This should be better.

Me: Can you be more specific?

Client: Just better. All of it. 

Client: Do what you think will look best.

I do what I think will look best.

Client: It's horrible. The color is all wrong, the font isn't what I wanted, and it should look like it's a chat bubble. 

IF YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT, TELL ME!

Me: Since we are on such a tight schedule, could you please be more precise when giving me feedback on this?

Client: It needs to look a bit nicer. 

From the Clients From Hell archives!

I'm working on a logo for a client. They just told me this:

Client: Make it stand out by not standing out too much.

I was approached by a friend of a friend that has an advertising agency to create ads at 10€/hour (I know, I know...). All the while he kept saying most of the work is for trendy Chinese products and that the only important things when it comes to the ads are quantity and speed.

I created ads (videos, banners) for 2 different clients of his, one for a tanning company and one for a butchery, he was pleased with both and at least the first one (tanning company) was done on a very high level because I had good pictures and videos to use.

Then came the famous ads for Chinese products. I was given pretty poor instructions but nonetheless, being independent is important. I was given examples of the previous work and a link to the website, which only had horrible pictures (imagine AliExpress level pictures, with text etc.).

I sent them in, working overnight like always, because he always sent the things he needed 1 day before he needed them. No response for 4 days in which he must have seen it and then he probably got a response from his client.

Client: The creatives are very bad and the client asked me about my mental health. No offense, but it looks like I'm going to have to find someone who knows his stuff a bit better (at least regarding ads for trendy products). Did you even look into any other examples at all?

Me: Unfortunately, I can't do much without any quality material, especially not from today to tomorrow. I did a lot of searching online and most of the pictures are of very poor quality and there are no videos to be found, at all. And when it comes to the banners, I stuck to the exact style you provided.

The exact style I mentioned? He sent me 3 examples of the banners - each just a product photo or a product photo on top of a background photo, with a large circle with  -X% written in it. That's it. That's what he got from me as well. And that's what he wasn't pleased with. The videos he sent were videos of the products being used (really short and already edited, so unusable for me), which of course he didn't provide at all - I assume this was the issue the client had but... I can't make the statue of David out of manure.

Sent him the bill - awaiting response and expecting issues.

Client: I don't just want you to make it POP - I want you to make it BURST!

Wow. You've added another layer of inscrutability to the world's worst cliche. I'm almost impressed.