We were designing a COVID-related flyer for a client. In the background, there was a picture of a lady that was getting a temperature test.

Client: We like the background, but we don't like the image.

To be clear: the image WAS the background. 

Client: You’re the designer, just make it more design-y

Preeeeeeeeetty sure they're about to ask me to use Papyrus. 

Client: I need a private website.

Me: What do you mean by private website? Do you mean something like portfolio site?

Client: Not a personal website, I need just a private website.

Me: What do you mean? You mean a site which can only be accessed by you or a limited audience?

Client: No, website can be viewed by anyone. But it should be private.

Me: …?

Spotted on a job posting website: 

Client: We have to come up with things that are going on in the outside world and write them down and send them of to me. I will tell you my email once you get the job. We make newspaper articles

I know it's just that English isn't their first language, but does anyone else feel like this is vaguely sinister?

Taken from a job posting:

Client: Looking for someone that can work that can work with other team members.

Wait, did I say "taken from a job posting"? I mean that WAS the job posting. That's all that they said. 

I was in studio, recording voiceover for a radio commercial for a major coffee brand:

Client: Okay, here’s what we want you to bring out in the read: You’re a dad, it’s 7 am on a Saturday and you’re about to take your kids to hockey practice, and that’s why you need (X coffee brand). Really bring out that feeling.

Keep in mind that the copy is literally one sentence that only really references the bold flavor of the coffee, and does not lend itself to conjure up any of the aforementioned imagery. 

I did a few takes, varying my tone and delivery.

Client: I’m not really hearing the dad in there. Less parental, more dad.

Me: (wondering what in the world that means) …So…maybe I should sound a little more tired, since it’s so early, but still determined to get the kids to practice on time thanks to the coffee? Or like I’m trying to be fun so the kids like me? Something like that?

Client: Just…I don’t know…sound like a dad! More fatherly! Do you have kids?

Me: No, I don’t.

Client: Ughhh geez, well THERE’S your problem right THERE!

Verbatim quote from a client just now: 

Client: I don’t know what I want, but I’ll know it when I see it. You’re the designer, just put something together. 

Client: I like it, but I want a white background.

Me: But your text is white, nobody will be able to read it.

Client: Can’t you just do some lines?

Me: On what?

Client: The logo!

If you understand what that means, then I have a client for you. 

Client: We want it to be “WOW,” but not “OMG.”

Actual feedback from on a design job:

Client: The patterns are too pattern-y.

The scary thing is that I've worked with him for so long that I know exactly what he means.