I'm illustrating a book cover for a Client.

Me: Do you want it to be day or night in this image?

Client: That doesn't matter as long as there is "Atmosphere"!

Me: Ok, what sort of atmosphere?

Client: The sort that's created with light.

Me: Ok, then do you want it to be day or night in the picture?

Client: Either as long as there is atmosphere.

Me: Yes, but what sort of atmosphere? Happy? Scary? Cold? Warm? Mysterious? Sad?

The client answered by sending me a link to a long online interview/article about a man who works as a light designer for video games. 

I'm on a conference call with the president of a company.

Me: Can you please describe to me what changes you'd like to make to your company’s website?

Client: I just want it to look more Millennium Falcon, but not with any reference to Star Wars.

I try to get more information about what he means:

Client: You know, like the Millennium Falcon, but not THE Millennium Falcon. 

A bad client in a galaxy far far away from the Clients From Hell archives.

Client: You know when you bite into a really good apple and you get that great crunch sound and the juices flow strong and sweet, and for a split second the world is perfect? It’s the best and it makes you want more. That is the feeling I want people to get from the ads. This does not mean I want a picture of an apple.

A super clear set of instructions from the Clients From Hell archives.

Client: Hey! Loved what you did with our animated ads before. Can you do it again and make us famous on social media?

Me: Okay, do you have some content or a concept for the next ads?

Client: No, the concept is the company. Do you only do animated videos?

Getting people who work in law professions to work together is like herding cats.

Me: I need [document #1].

Lawyer #1: No problem, I'll just need [document #2] from [Lawyer #2].

Lawyer #2: Okay, here you go.

Lawyer #1: That's [document #2]-a. I need [document #2]-c.

Lawyer #2: Oh, then I need [document #3] from [Lawyer #3].

Lawyer #3: I need written permission from [Judge].

Judge: I need confirmation from [Lawyer #2] and a [document #4] from [Lawyer #4].

All the paperwork and emails finally trickle back to [Lawyer #1].

Lawyer #1: Okay, here you go.

Me: I don't know what this is, but it's definitely not a [document #1].

After several rounds of back and forth over billboard designs for a local zoo, the marketing director at the zoo emails:

Client: I've tested the latest proofs you sent me on my computer. I opened the files and ran past my screens to simulate a driver passing a billboard. The billboards didn’t pop enough for me when I tried that. You needed to make the billboards more attention-grabbing.

A method of scientific testing from the Clients From Hell archives.

A comment in the margin of a document I am preparing:

Comment: Or the fr. is 2nd order -rihgt?! Mives into 1st,& and stays 2nd I between phrases*. Cn descrbie turns lin. in terms of j. if allowed(?) and move 2nd tr. to 3/4 - maybe?! So fr in 2 takes h. for 3, and j. exps! Wow! So list; j., fr. exp today/tom w-0 move together. Say this too! (more clearly than I have)

Well, it would be hard to say it LESS clearly!

I'm an illustrator/cartoonist, and my client owns a small kayaking hire company.  He wants a series of cartoons demonstrating how to kayak safely, contrasting with disasters waiting to happen. It has already taken a while to extract from him whether they are to be online, print, or both; whether they're B/W or full colour - all that. I've already invited him to send me samples of the kind of thing he's after; I can work comfortably in a range of styles.

We're at the character design stage via a phone call:

Me: If you have any particular ideas about how they should look, e.g. tall/short, fat/skinny, smug/gormless then do let me know.

Client: "Don't mind, whatever you think best."

I submit designs. The feedback is from both him and his wife. 

Client's Wife: Could we make them slightly more appealing to look at? I know that they’re supposed to be a bit dopey but they’re also a tiny bit ugly too! I think they might be easier to engage or identify with if they were dopey but charming! Let’s give them a bit more sex appeal!

Client: I had not wanted to return too quickly with “but they aren’t what I had imagined”. I had imagined slightly more caricatured bods!

Me: Many thanks for your feedback; I know that it can be difficult to describe in words the kind of look you were thinking of, and also the sense that ‘you’ll recognise it when you see it!'. It would be helpful for me if you could find online examples of the kind of style you were hoping for, and we can take it from there."

I'm not holding out much hope. 

Client’s “Vision”:

“I want it to be fabulous. When people look at it they will think "uh huh.” It should say wow and just be me. We have never met, but I think from this email you will understand what that means. I am me and it should be like me. You know who I am. Make it me. Make it fit me…just like that, you know. Is that specific enough? I think that should be enough for you to see my vision.“

Yet another "visionary", from the Clients From Hell archives.