I had been working with this client for some time now, trying to nail down designs for two different illustrations they'd hired me for. The first was stuck in permanent development hell because the client couldn't choose between two different versions, so I began work on the second illustration.

Client: This is the character you'll be designing. I don't know what I want, so it's dealer's choice. Just surprise me.

He provided me with several short stories, and a document explaining multiple different incarnations and appearances. After a while of struggling without any direction, I produced a sketch that I wasproud of and offered it to him.

Me: What do you think? It could really show his character during this point of the story well, and it's expressive.

Client: Actually, now that I've seen this, I've decided that I don't want that at all. Here are four sketches of different poses I want, and he now has an entirely different appearance than the ones I gave you as reference.

I have a feeling that this is going to be a very long process.

I created an e-mail design for a client who didn’t give many specifics about what they wanted, but they wanted to promote their products. I put together some basic drafts that I thought would work well with their brand.

Me: Here’s a few design options, let me know your thoughts so far.

Client: I don’t like them.

Me: What exactly don’t you like?

Client: I don’t know.

In 2014, I applied to a job posted on craigslist for a small business looking for a catalog designer. The ad was VERY basic, but I figured I would apply and see what happened.

I was called to schedule an interview. That interview ended up being during a snowstorm (omen?), but went well enough the owner of the company wanted to hire me that day without even looking at my portfolio.

When I started the job a week later, I realized I would need to find my way around the office, learn where my desk was and how to find any and all previous design work all on my own as I had no real manager or direct supervisor. I found the previous catalog, which had been thrown together in Publisher. Nothing was packaged so links and fonts were scattered literally everywhere throughout the computer hard drive. I spent a week trying to find all of the links and fonts and trying to piece the Publisher file back together as a starting point. 

When I finally got about 90% of it done, I brought it down to the company owner to ask for some direction. 

Client: What have you been doing this whole time? The catalog looks exactly the same!

Me: It took this long just to piece together all the jumbled pieces of what was already there to get a sense of where you were. Also, you didn't give me any information, content, direction or tasks since I've been here. I don't know what you want to be changed, I don't know if these products are the right ones, and this is the first I've been able to talk to you since I got here. 

Client: You're the designer. It's your job to figure this out. 

I went to my desk, disheartened. One of the employees asked me how I was doing and I told them. They shared that the last two designers had each quit before being here six months. 

I wonder why. 

Client: Can you make it look more Ugandan?

For a flyer for a concert happening in Denver, Colorado.

I was asked by a hippie girl I knew to draw up a logo and Facebook cover photo for her "Wellness" side-hustle. She was tossing elements out to me that she thought would be cool to incorporate. Old maps, trees, landscapes, etc., which lead to this exchange: 

Client: Okay... screw the header image of a landscape. I'll cross that road if I need it later, but let's focus on the logo. Everything is less-is-more these days, but that's so old now I'm not biting into it entirely for my future. Art tastes changes. I think baroque muchness is better :)

Me: ....?

Client: You're super good at texture, so let's start there. Any chance you could make the tree, with a compass key behind work? And surrounded by something symbolic of sun/moon as a round border?

Me: What's a compass key?

Client: I'm using made-up language. 

After a few more conversations like this, I noped out hard.  

Client: I would like the website background to be purple

Me: Ok, no problem. Are you able to send me the HEX code, a style guide or perhaps point me to a website with the same color purple you'd like to use?

Client: No that's fine, just make it the same purple of a Jacaranda tree flowering in the summer.

Me: (contemplating life choices) ...

Client: Make this electric blue!

Me: Can I have an example of "electric blue"?(

Client: (NOT showing examples) Like pastel! But not easter eggs! (continuing to not show examples)

Working on a colour concept for a client...

Client: Please change the railing colour to beige or sky blue, and the sky outside to sunset or dusk.

Me: (Changes railing to beige, and the sky outside to dusk)

Client: REVISIONS NOT DONE, please do as requested... I wanted the railing sky blue, and the sky to be sunset.

I'm not here to play a 50/50 game to guess which one you really want.

The usual routine of checking my inbox got interrupted by a series of short, angry emails from a client.

Client: Do not email me ever again.

Client: I don't care what you think.

Client: Your whole business is a joke anyway.

Client: All the office are talking about you.

Client: You liar. Absolute complete liar.

Client: Consider yourself blocked.

Me: I'm sorry but I have no idea what this is about. Why am I being blocked?

Client: No not you.

Client: Please edit the photo. The sky is too brightly dark.

Me: ...what?