Client: Can you design birthday tags? For candies?

Me: Sure! What's the theme?

They sent a photo without any reference for size. 

Client: Like this one. I want 50 tags, how much is it?

Me: What's the tag size?

Client: I don't know, make it like the one in the picture.

Me: Sure, but I can't tell the size from the picture, can you measure it?

Client: Oh, it's small.

Me: ... Okay. 3cm?

Client: I don't know. Like the size of a fridge magnet.

Me: ...

So I did a 5cm tag and the client did not like it. Too small.

Client: I am looking for a simple but complex site. 

We've recently come across a client who has an interesting way of avoiding admitting he's underbudgeted for a project:

Client: We need to reselect the bathroom floors.

Me: Why?

Client: We're installing next week and it won't be here for four weeks.

Client: We also need to reselect the foyer material.

Me: Ok, why?

Client: There's only six pieces in the country, we need seven, and it won't be here for six weeks. We also need to reselect the kitchen counters, they won't be here for eight weeks.

My hackles are all the way raised now: these counters are specially made in the US with very specific lead times and should have been ordered weeks before.

Me: We specified these six months ago. Why will they not be there for eight weeks?

It was stunning to watch them try and find a way to say "We can't afford these even though it was always in budget, and waited until you had no choice but to reselect or delay the project" without admitting to any wrongdoing.

Client: I need a banner with my podcast logo on it and a caricature of me in the lower left. Gonna use it for my [streaming service] videos.

Me: No problem, how big is the banner going to be and do you know who will be printing it?

I've made it a habit to ask my clients who is printing their work, as some online printing services like you to use their templates for sizing and formatting.

Client: Uh, I have no idea, let me measure.

Me: OK, while you're doing that, can you forward me a picture of yourself I can use for reference when I draw you?

The client sends me a picture of himself wearing a hat, thick glasses, and most of his face obscured by a giant black microphone.

Me: So if I'm going to be drawing your face, I'd like to be able to see your face?

Client: Oh yeah, Haha, that makes sense. Just a minute.

Ten minutes later he sends a picture of his face, no hat or glasses. He's got the blankest expression I've ever seen, and his face is covered in thick stubble. Regardless, I draw a picture of him making that same face and send it back to him two days later.

Client: Ugh, I look so old in this. Why did you draw me with a scruffy beard? Also I'm famous for my smile, why aren't I smiling?

Me: ...ok, please send me a picture of you shaved and smiling then. Did you get that info I asked for yet?

Client: They said to just send a PDF.

Me: ...what size? And who is printing it?

Client: I dunno, I didn't measure yet. Let me get back to you.

He sends me a picture of him, no hat or accessories, just smiling. I re-draw the caricature and send it back. He gets back to me two days later.

Client: It looks alright I guess, but where's the hat and sunglasses? I'm famous for my hat and sunglasses. Also there should be a microphone over my mouth.

Me (internally): ...the mouth you're famous for smiling with?

Me: OK I'll get those added. Did you get the measurements?

Client: Yeah, they said to just send a PDF.

Me: WHO said this, and WHAT SIZE should I format the PDF?

Client: I dunno, what's a good size you think?

Me: You tell me, you're the one that has to frame the shot for the video.

Client: Good point, let me do some measurements.

I re-draw the caricature AGAIN, making sure I add every detail as specified. I even manage to improvise and draw him from a different angle so his "famous smile" can be visible next to the microphone. Two more days pass and I send the caricature to the client again.

Client: OK, this looks cool. Love it! The banner should be 3 feet tall, four feet wide.

THANK YOU I think to myself. I assemble the banner (and end up having to re-do it a couple times because he's not happy with the layout he specifically told me to give him). Afterwards, I finally get his PDF created and exported to him. A day later, I get this message:

Client: They said you were supposed to use their template. Also you didn't add my [local sports team] hoodie to the caricature. I'm famous for that! How fast can you fix this?

Me: *head-desks myself to sleep*

Was asked to design a logo for the client's new project. I emailed asking for more (any) information. Below is the submitted brief in its entirety:

Client: If it could not be exactly the same and stand out as it is slightly different. So the same style but jazzier?

Client: We would love to work with you and love your style and previous designs!

They handed me a detailed brief and I was confident I could pull off a design they love. I got to work and created some initial sketches for feedback. 

Client: So...we looked at your designs and we just don't like them. 

Me: OK, sorry we seem to have missed the mark here - these designs were intended as a starting point to get a feel for style and layout. Could give me some feedback about what you did/didn't like about them> This will allow me to improve on the design and develop it into something you will love.

Client: We love the page with the full photo but don't want anything photo-heavy so don't use any photos here. We want it to look clean and expensive but can you add more text onto the second page to fill the space? But don't listen to me, you're the designer. Also can you make it look like the attached? 

They had attached an INCREDIBLY similar brochure design to the ones I did for them and some VERY detailed feedback about what they want - this time I was sure I'd get it right.

Client: Yeah, we don't like these designs either - can we put this job on hold?

I understand sometimes it just doesn't work out - but it doesn't hurt less! Still, at least I filled out my "unclear feedback" bingo card.

I had been working with a new client on a logo redesign. Typically, my logo process starts with 1-2 rounds of concept sketches before we move on to a more polished single concept. This client seemed particularly indecisive- he would like one concept and then a few hours later, he wouldn’t like it anymore; he can’t tell me why, what aspects he likes, what aspects he hates, he just “isn’t feeling it anymore”. We are SIX rounds of sketches in (paid hourly, thankfully), which comes to about 36 different logo concepts, and then this conversation occurs:

Client: I think that the latest one is one to explore…

Me: Great.

Client: Maybe not though… people don’t seem to like it, haha.

Me: Who, exactly?

Client: I'm uploading these to Facebook and getting people to vote on them.

Me: So I have a committee of hundreds judging my designs? 

Client: Yeah!

Me: That explains a lot. 

I work as an inbound call agent for a fairly large rental platform, and 90% of the calls I get are older landlords who don't know how technology works.

Client: I need to speak to a manager right away!

Me: I'm sorry sir, what seems to be the problem?

Client: I need you to turn off javascript on my account on your platform!

I spent half an hour with him on the phone, and to this day I legitimately do not know what he meant.

I have this client who's a publicist and marketing specialist. He often adds some "graphic design included" packages to sweeten up his deals, and those odd jobs, usually a banner, often fall on my desk. I've acquired a few decent clients through him, so it's fine in the long run, but he's also the type to say "I just need to know if you can do it or not" immediately after I list all the reasons I said "no" the first time he asked if I could do it.

This time it was an underwater fish themed logo animation. It's the first animating job I've taken with this client.

Client: This looks great! Which version do I show to the client?

Me: ...The latest version, of course. Why would you show them versions which they've already made revisions and comments on?

Client: The one with the logo swimming as a fish, right? With the blue background?

The whole concept was the logo swimming into position, every version had that. Every version had a blue background.

I was working with a corporation to design a poster for a concert they were having at a local venue. I turned their project around extremely quickly and they seemed pleased. The next day I got an email from the coordinator.

Client: Please alphabetize the lineup.

Which is weird, you should have your headliner on top. But two minutes later I get an email that says:

Client: Nevermind, ignore that."

I pass along the invoice, think everything is great. Two weeks later I get another email.

Client: CAN WE PLEASE HAVE THE UPDATED POSTER!

Me: Which updates are you looking for exactly?

Client: A poster with the alphabetized lineup.

Me: You told me to ignore that email.

Client: That's not what I meant.