Client: Make it pop.

Me: Really? I'm using contrasting colors and sharp lines. I'd say it already "pops."

Client: I want it to pop like a balloon. This pops like a zit.

Me: What color would you like for this design?

Client: Lime green.

Me: Okay! Sounds like you have a specific shade in mind. Can you send me a reference photo?

The client sent a photo of limes.

I'm an in-house designer/animator combo. So fair it's resulted in my client making various sound effects at me in an attempt to convey motion.

Client: Just like... you know? Making it go "boop"? And shwoop.

Yeah lemme just write that shwoop script.

Client: I know it’s a table, but I don’t want it to “read” like a table. It should “read” like a list.

Me: I mean, it's a list in a table.

Client: You know what I mean, though. 

I recently agreed to do a logo for a new chocolate and soap company started by someone I knew. She gave me zero information on what she wanted. I designed 2 modern concepts that I thought fit her business.

Client: This is okay, but it needs to pop. Make it pop.

And no, she couldn't be more specific. It came out that her 12 year old grandchildren didn't like the designs. 

Eventually after days she sent me a design she found on Google and wanted that. I sent her something similar that wouldn't fall under copyright. 

Client: No. Just use what I sent you.  

Client fired.

We were designing a COVID-related flyer for a client. In the background, there was a picture of a lady that was getting a temperature test.

Client: We like the background, but we don't like the image.

To be clear: the image WAS the background. 

Client: You’re the designer, just make it more design-y

Preeeeeeeeetty sure they're about to ask me to use Papyrus. 

Client: I need a private website.

Me: What do you mean by private website? Do you mean something like portfolio site?

Client: Not a personal website, I need just a private website.

Me: What do you mean? You mean a site which can only be accessed by you or a limited audience?

Client: No, website can be viewed by anyone. But it should be private.

Me: …?

Spotted on a job posting website: 

Client: We have to come up with things that are going on in the outside world and write them down and send them of to me. I will tell you my email once you get the job. We make newspaper articles

I know it's just that English isn't their first language, but does anyone else feel like this is vaguely sinister?

Taken from a job posting:

Client: Looking for someone that can work that can work with other team members.

Wait, did I say "taken from a job posting"? I mean that WAS the job posting. That's all that they said.