Me: Here’s a moodboard filled with existing logos. Tell me which ones you like and don’t like and why.

Client: Okay, I like these  and I don’t like those.

Me: Great! I’m going to use your feedback to help me design custom logo concepts.

Client: Okay!

Me: Here are six logo concepts based on your feedback on the mood board

Client: I hate these logos and I hated everything on the mood board.

Me: Then why did you say you liked some of the ones on the mood board?

Client: Um...uh...I didn’t want to hurt your feelings

Client: Looks great, just one thing, can we make the spaces in the paragraphs bigger please? Sorry, I'm a stickler for these things. I'm a real layout nerd.

Me: OK, when you say the spaces in the paragraphs, do you want me to increase the leading, or increase the size of the line breaks between the paragraphs?

Client: I don't know what those terms mean, but but make the spaces between the paragraphs a little bigger, larger, wider.

Some layout nerd...

I work part-time for a client who doesn’t seem to understand that part-time does not mean he can text me whenever he wants. He also doesn't understand some key terms.

At 11 PM:

Client: Hey, I need the wireframe for the website. Can you have it ready by tomorrow?

Me: Wait, sorry, wireframe? By TOMORROW?

Client: Yeah, like we discussed.

Me: (panicking) I am nowhere close to being finished the wireframe. Are you sure we agreed to this?

Client: Yes. I need the wireframe for the logo. Can you have it ready by tomorrow?

Vector. He meant vector.

Client: Can you make that a color better? Or maybe use a cooler font?

Me: That’s really not helpful feedback.

Client: Okay. Make it nicer then.

Client: You’ve got to make it look modern, classy and chic. OH! And fresh, yet classic, but not so it looks like a funeral summons. I don’t want a photo or any color and I definitely don’t want it to look like femidom packaging.

I’m a graphic designer with 6-years-experience. I was designing a CV for my mom. This was her brief. 

Client: Here's art another company made for us, recreate it.

Me: OK, here you go.

Client: This looks like a vehicle owner's manual, I want it to look like the previous order. 

Me: You mean, the order you sent me? That I matched? 

Client: No, I wanted it to look like the art I provided. No worries... I will just go with the other company. All good.

WTF?

Me: So roughly what size would you like the finished design to be? 

Client: Oh, about the size of a digestive biscuit.

Me: ….

Me: Hi, did you have time to review the layout for the site? 

Client: Yeah, it’s not right though. 

Me: Okay, what would you like to change?

Client: I just want it more designed.

Me: Sorry, what do you mean by that?

Client: Why don’t you get it? 

45 rounds of revision later – I think it’s “designed” now.

Client: Hi. I hired your friend to do a logo for us - but she just wasn’t that strong.  Can you fix the logo?

I’m a graphic designer. My friend was a UX designer.

Me: Sure, what would you like me to do?

Client: I want it to show a ribbon of bubbles

Sends them ribbon bubbles

Client: No, not actual bubbles. That looks like soap.

Sends them vector ribbon bubbles

Client: That’s way too bubbly. More like fine bubbles.

Sends fine ribbon bubbles

Client: Those are too small. Something in between this one and the last one.

Sends them not-so-fine ribbon bubbles

Client: The ribbon isn’t square enough at the end.

Me: Okay, I’ll fix that - and what would you like to do about this middle part?

Client: I don’t know, that’s your job to figure out. You’re the designer.

Yet another bizarre request that I will never understand:

Client: Do you have some choices of a turn of the century font that is vertical?