Client: “You’ll never make any money if you’re always charging for every little thing that you do!”
Client: “So please make the ad say ‘Thursday, June 18, 2010.’”
Me: “Don’t you mean Friday, June 18 2010?”
Client: "No, see we have the Friday confirmed but really want the Thursday. So let’s make the typo intentional, that way it works for whatever date we end up with.“
The annual reports theme was “Executing for Success” we supplied the client with images of elite athletes performing. tag line under the year was “Striving for Perfection”.
Clients Response: “I don’t think that the images are right. Let’s change it to a group of Navy SEALs emerging from the water, and then make the tag under the year — ‘Elite Execution’.”
Client: "I want a flash on the tub saying 100% free.“
Me: "Err, you can’t say that. That means you’d have to give it away.”
Client: "Look - It’s twice the size, so you’re getting 100% free.“
Acc handler: "No, you see if you say 100% free–”
Client: “--look, I haven’t got time to explain this to you, just put it on.”
Me: “Your FTP password is literally one of the five most commonly used passwords in the world.”
Them: “I guess great minds think alike!”
Owner: “Have you seen this website before? [points to MailChimp.com]”
Me: “Yes, it looks good.”
Owner: “I want to do something just like this but with resumes, make it look exactly like this.”
Me: “You mean the layout, or mascot concept, or what? Which part is appealing to you?”
Owner: “All of it. Copy this site EXACTLY. That shouldn’t take long. Then, instead of this chimp here with the mailbag… You can draw, right?”
Me: “Uh. Yes.”
Owner: “Ok, I want a chimp or gorilla or something, but without a hat, and holding a resume. And keep the mailbag too.”
Me: “You don’t think they’d mind us making a clone of their website?”
Owner: “It’s a compliment.”
Client: “We can have the text skid across the page and when it stops, pennies will shoot out of the back of it, like out of a tail pipe.”
Client: “Or we can have a hand shake the screen, and pennies will kind of fall out of it down the screen.”
Me: “….Well, we’ll certainly take that into consideration, and provide some additional options.”
Hi, sorry I haven’t gotten back to you, but I’ve been in jail for a few days. I don’t want to talk about why. I really shouldn’t be calling you… they’ve got people everywhere. I might be hard to get ahold of for awhile. Can I get your address again, so I can send your payment? Also if they don’t find me, I might need a place to uh, crash for a few days, if that’s cool.
After seven frustrated attempts to teach our client how to insert products in his virtual store (something easier than sending an e-mail, and he was no Informatic newbie), I patiently sat down with him and asked which point of the operation he was missing. He answered:
“But have you already tried to insert any product? Have you tried reading the instruction booklet I wrote for you?”
“Well, I’ll teach you one more time. But you should try doing this at home, patiently. It’s not any difficult - I’m sure you will nail it at first.”
Suddenly, the client revealed his true face,
“Hey, missy, what the Hell are you thinking? I am more intelligent than you, your boss and all the members of this company combined! I am more intelligent than Einstein and more talented than Tom Cruise! But what if I had suffered childhood traumas that prevent me from managing my virtual store? This wouldn’t make me less genius than I really am.”
Surreal, but believe me - I wouldn’t be that imaginative.
I don’t know what I want until I know what the final product looks like. So, I would like you to create 5 fully functional websites so I can decide then pay you for one of those.