I don’t mean to brag, but I am quite good at coding the internet.
Just do that arty-farty shit that you and [coworker] do. That’s what I pay you for!
I appreciate you working over the weekend to deliver the design mock up but I think that we can all agree that it’s really not very good.
[I’m not a designer but the attorney hired by a designer. I’m informing the client over the phone that he’s being sued for not paying the amount specified.]
Me: “Good afternoon, my name is [xxx], representing [designer] and [company]. We’re calling about payment that has not yet been received for a project which you agreed to pay for.”
Client: “What?! Who’s suing me?! Who is this?”
Me: “As I said, my name is [xxx], representing [designer] and [company]. You have X,XXX.XX that was supposed to be paid several months ago, as agreed upon by a contract with my clients.”
Client: “Are you suing me for a website? You’re not making any damn sense!”
Me: “You owe someone a fair deal of money and you’ve made it very clear that you have no intention of paying. I have several emails from your email address responding to my clients with messages such as “sayonara, suckers” and I am calling to see if you’d like to pay your fees now, or if we need to bring this into a courtroom, which I’m sure we’re all looking to avoid.“
Client: "I don’t know who this is or what the hell you want from me but listen up: fooling someone to make you a website isn’t a crime!”
Me: “You’re actually looking at some large fines and – should this be considered a felony – jail time.”
Client: “You’re a damn lawyer, you should know websites aren’t real. A website isn’t a thing, you can’t steal it! [designer] can still look at it, it’s still kinda his!”
[Within three days time, the designer received a check with the amount listed and an additional $20.00 “for your asshole lawyer boyfriend.“ The designer had to resist framing the check for the novelty.]
A potential client e-mailed me some documents related to his project. I told him that I would not be able to take on his project at this time.
Client: “Then you need to e-mail me back the documents. They have trade secrets in them.”
Me: “Your privacy is important to me, I’ll make sure to delete them from my hard drive.”
Client: “No. Send them back so that I can make sure that you don’t have them anymore.”
So, I e-mailed them back to him and he was satisfied.
Look, if I had extra money to throw away, I’d give it to you.
Client: “Your portfolio and skills impress me quite a bit. I would really love to hire you for this job but before that I would like to ask you one question: are you from Iran?”
Me: “Yep, I was born there and have been living in America since I was 3. Is it important to you?”
Client: “I am not comfortable working with terrorists.”
I would do it, but I don’t know the Photoshop.
That’s the wrong shade of black.
Me: “Can you send me what you’re looking at via email or scan it so that we can take a look at it? Actually, you have a Pantone book over there, go ahead and match the color.”
Client: “What! I’m not going to tell you the damn color! It’s 100% orange. It’s not that hard.”