Client: I’d like you to produce a series of anatomical illustrations.
Me: No problem. What sort of style are you looking for?
Client: I’ve brought some of my own drawings as an example to show you. I made them in Word using clip art.
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Client: I was writing in Word and all of a sudden it locked up and wouldn’t let me do anything.
Me: You have the header/footer option open. All you have to do is click this X and it will close.
Client: Wait, show me that again.
I do. The client is ecstatic.
Client: You’re so smart! Can you teach me computers?
I was putting together an email ad for a well known airline to promote their ski break deals. They’d sent me loads of stock photos: ski lifts, tracks down the mountain, the view of the lodges from above, etc.
Client: I feel like there’s too much snow in these images
Me: You’re promoting ski vacations. Snow is kind of the point.
Client: Yeah, we know, but there’s just too much snow. Can we get rid of it somehow?
Me: Sure - by promoting beach vacations.
Client: Because we’re committed to being a green
company, we’re participating in the “Day of Light” event, so we’re making all our
off the power. Since you are working on this project for us, we expect you
to do the same.
Me: You want my entire company to turn off the power for the whole day?
Client: Yes. And please be aware that we will NOT pay full price if you don’t follow our rules.
Me: We’re editing video for you. We sort of need electricity to do that.
Client: We’re doing team building exercises that day. Why don’t you do the same?
I took the pictures you sent me and traced them in GIMP, so now I can claim that I made them because technically I did!I took the pictures you sent me and traced…
A client phones in to ask for some changes to their website.
Client: I want to make these changes to our corporate website
Me: Ok, what’s the address?
Me: The address of the website, the URL.
Me: It starts with “www dot…”
Client: Oh! That, sure, it’s “www dot [address].”
I go through the website with her and go through the changes they wants to make. It takes about forty minutes because they want a massive list of changes.
Client: Also we would like some changes on our charity website.
Me: What’s the address for that?
Me: www dot?
Client: Right! It’s [address].
We go through the changes they want on the second website, and they’re relatively minor. This process only takes about ten minutes.
Me: Ok, that is all fine, but I want to check something on your corporate site. It might be affected by changes on your charity website. If you can navigate back to the corporate website I will show you what I mean.
Client: What website?
Me: Your corporate website, the one we looked at first
Client: Sorry, I don’t know what you mean.
Me: You have two websites. You refer to them as your “corporate” and “charity” websites. Go back to the “corporate” website. It’s the first one we looked at.
Client: Sorry, I don’t know it.
Me: You just gave me the address, at the start of our call, remember? “www dot etc”?
Client: We only have one website.
Wondering if I’ve gone insane, I then read the first URL she gave to me back to her. Twice.
Client: Oh, THAT website! That’s not a “corporate” website. Actually, we don’t need that anymore. Can you please get rid of it?
Me: But what about the long list of changes you just asked for?
Client: We don’t need them anymore, we’re getting rid of that site.
Me: (screaming silently, forever)
Me: The logo you are using is my copyrighted
design. You need to buy it or stop using it immediately.
Client: You want me to change my logo?
Me: You’re using a logo that I designed and you haven’t paid me for it, so yes. Yes I want you to change your logo.
Client: I found it on google images. No harm done, right? I was just looking for a logo.
Me: (ten days later) You’re still using my logo. What you’re doing is illegal. Stop.
Client: You’re not very friendly. Now I’m NEVER going to use your services.
Me: That’s fine. Just stop using my work.
Client: I prefer not working with useless artists and b*tches.
Finally I apply for a DMCA Takedown and the logo is removed from this “client’s” website. I figure the case is closed, justice is served, etc, until two months later.
Client: I was thinking of buying some photos from you… NOT.
We are disappointed in the SEO work you did for us. We can’t find our personal email addresses on Google at all.We are disappointed in the SEO work you did…