What to do RIGHT NOW: Bryce Bladon and Vernon Southward on freelancing in the COVID crisis

COVID-19 has changed EVERYTHING, including the landscape of freelance work in the world. A team of Clients From Hell All Stars (host Kyle Carpenter, former host Bryce Bladon and site owner, Vernon Southward) meet to take stock of what it means to freelance now, how they're thinking about this new reality, offer actionable strategies for what you could be doing with any extra free time you might have, and what the future might bring.

These are strange times, but you're not experiencing them alone.

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Apr 13, 20201

SEO Reporting Fun…

I was working as a freelance Marketing Associate with an agency. My manager needed a large number of detailed, multipage SEO data analysis reports created for small business clients within a couple of weeks.

The tasks were monotonous, required a lot of proofreading, and no errors could be made.

Manager: How's it going on the reports? You saw the examples of how I want them to look, right?

Me: These reports are more detailed than I thought they would be, but I'm making progress.

Manager: How long is it taking you to create each report?

Me: An hour and a half for each report.

Manager: It should only take you 30 minutes!

I hadn't even mentioned that I also needed some time to recover my mental energy after each report since I was focusing pretty intensely. This should have been apparent to the Manager, who was also aware that I had many other tasks on my plate simultaneously.

I am starting to think this will be a hellish next 2 weeks…

Aug 27, 20191

MP4 or Bust

Client: I need you to convert these .mpg videos to .mp4 so that the sound will come through.

Me: These videos don't have sound. I can put a soundtrack in the background if you want, but just changing them to .mp4 won't make a difference.

Client: Ok, no, don't worry about it. We will use them as-is.

The next day:

Client: We need these .mpg videos converted to .mp4 so that we can run them as a loop.

Me: ...

May 19, 20191

Client Editor From Hell

Client: I want you to write a series of profiles about everyday people for our magazine.

Me: Great!

Client: I already have the first assignment. This woman is my manicurist, but she's fascinating. She went through a long bout of infertility.

Me: Um....okay. If you say there's a story.

I interview the manicurist and... she's dull. Her story about her "long bout of infertility" was really "I had a long bout of infertility, and then I didn't." I did the best I could and submitted the story.

Client: Why the hell did you write about this woman? She's completely boring. I don't think this is going to work going forward.

Me: I think you're right.

Apr 23, 20191

User Submitted Post

I met with a client in person for the first time after working remotely for months. I received this email the next day.

Client: Hi. Right. Sorry about this but we’re going to terminate our contract with you. Don’t get me wrong, your work is great, but I wish you’d been upfront at the start about your physical presence. It doesn’t fit our company image and we can’t have anybody supplying us services who doesn’t fit.

Some advice: join a weight-loss group and join a gym. You won’t need those ‘walking sticks’ after. This isn’t an insult – you’re good looking otherwise!

Maybe we can work with you in future if you fit our image. Please waive our contract termination fees as you didn’t tell us at the start you weren’t a good fit. Thank you.

About the "walking sticks" I "won't need." I’m disabled from a serious car crash 10 years ago.

I’m not waiving their fee.

Mar 24, 20191

See your name in lights: Maddy Osman and building your bylines

Maddy Osman knows how to sell herself and her services. That's because she started out in sales before becoming a full-time freelance copywriter and SEO specialist! In this week's episode, she tells Kyle how she built her business by doing (gasp!) free work, and why sometimes it's worth it for building that byline.

Today's links:

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Download here!

Nov 27, 20181

Client: “Your portfolio and skills impress me quite a bit. I would really love to hire you for this job but before that I would like to ask you one question: are you from Iran?”

Me: “Yep, I was born there and have been living in America since I was 3. Is it important to you?”

Client: “I am not comfortable working with terrorists.”

Jan 20, 20111

Client: I need this by Thursday.

Me: Shouldn’t be a problem; I can have it done by Wednesday.

Client: No, you’re misunderstanding. Not Wednesday, Thursday.

Me: I meant that I’ll get it to you earlier than next Thursday.

Client: And I meant that I need this by Thursday.

Me: Okay, I’ll send it next Thursday, then.

Client: You’re just not getting it. I need it by THIS Thursday.

Me: But today’s Thursday…

Client: Yeah, which makes all this time you’re wasting so confusing.

Nov 28, 20131

I do some freelance work for an Insurance company….

I do some freelance work for an Insurance company. One project I’ve been working on recently has gone on forever because of exchanges like this one:

Client: I really want the Billboard color to stand out.

**Me: **Okay, well here are some options. Do you like any of them?

Client: I think we’ll go with option “x”. Reduce the vibrancy of the background as we feel our logo is getting lost.

I change the background.

Client: Great. Let’s send this to print.

A few weeks later, after the billboard has been put up:

Client: The billboard looks awful! The background color doesn’t stand out. Please re-do it.

I have been repeating this endless cycle for four months now.

> Want to know if freelancing is for you?

Jul 30, 20161

A lot of people talk about dodging bullets when…

A lot of people talk about dodging bullets when it doesn’t work out with a bad client. This is the first time I dodged a missile.

I’m a ghostwriter. A client approached me to write a story he’d envisioned. He had characters, a universe, and a storyline he wanted me to actually write. I did some work for him, but had to drop the client when some familial issues came up.

Months later, I decided to check up on him and searched for him and his book. I found out that a) he found someone else to ghost write the novel for him and had actually published it and b) he was being sued for copyright infringment. Turns out all his “ideas” were stolen from an existing property that I wasn’t familiar with. Turns out, everything I wrote for him was fanfiction.

And that’s why you do research on your client’s ideas.

Oct 31, 20171