Client: I don’t like the T-shirt design. I’m going to want my money back.

Me: Why?

Client: The logo turned out black. 

Me: Well, yeah - that’s what you asked for. 

Client: It doesn’t show up on a black T-shirt.

Me: You said it was going to be printed on a white or coloured T-shirt.

Client: But the black T-shirts were cheaper…

Me: I’m sorry, but I was pretty clear you needed to print on a coloured or white shirt. 

Client: Yeah, I remember now. But to afford ordering more T-shirts, we have to cancel your payment nonetheless. 

A head-scratcher from the Clients From Hell archives!

Client: Since we're a partnership, we were thinking for the logo maybe you could have my face coming out of my partner's chest, and we're both smiling, and our company name would be above us. 

Client: Can you make it so when people land on our website, it’s, like, all black with stars coming out of the screen all whoosh whoosh (does the action) like in that screensaver?

Me: …

Client: With the music from Star Wars.

Me: …

Client: And it does that for, like, a minute, then stops and they have to click on one of the stars.

Me: Any star?

Client: No. No. A specific star that they’ll have to find–make it different every time.

Me: …

Client: Then when they find the right star, there’s like a massive explosion that the site spins out of (does the action), like in the old Batman series.

Me: For your company site?

Client: Yeah.

Me: The company that cleans up addicts’ used needles from parks and playgrounds?

Client: Yeah.

Me: No.

Client: …Well, you’re not much fun.

Client: I already know what I want for the logo. It’s a house, with a face, and it’s on wheels with an exhaust pipe coming out of the back which is shooting out smoke in the shape of dollar signs.

From the Clients From Hell archives!

Client: The address in this advertisement doesn’t stand out enough. Make it bold.

Against my better judgment, I comply.

Client: Now the hours of operation don’t stand out. Make them bold.

Me: If I make everything bold, nothing will stand out.

Client: I disagree, bold gets noticed.

To make my point, I bold everything.

Client: Nothing stands out here. Italicize the address.

From the Clients From Hell archives!

A client was pushing me to, of course, "make it pop." Eventually I wound up in "teal and orange" land, a la Michael Bay - literally one of the most "popping" colour schemes around. It was hideous, but the client was relentless for the next level of pop. 

Client: Hmm. Can we make it pop more? 

I work as an editor at a production company catering to charities. A client had demanded a film be delivered in 4 days, from a standing start. It was rough, but with a lot of late nights and some work over the weekend, I pulled it off - and the result was worth it. The video was warm, full of heart and human stories, and it really showed the excellent relationship this client had with their service users overseas.

But good things don't last...

Client: We love the film! It really shows our strategic relationship-based approach...hey, that should be the title! A Relationship-Based Approach.

Client 2: No, that won't do.

Me: (inwardly) Thank god.

Client 2: We should call it A Relational Rather Than Transactional Approach!

Me: *groans*

I tried talking them out of it, but they were adamant. With those 6 words, they  sucked all the joy and warmth out of the video.

Client: I would like you to fix a video we had someone else do.

Me: Sure thing. Do you have the work files?

Client: Yes, and I have a new script and want a completely new voice over.

Me: OK, that sounds like a completely new video...

Client: No it's still the same, just a few things added, just re-use the same artwork.

Me: I found one problem, there is at least a minute's worth of new dialogue added at the beginning. Do you have artwork to cover that space as well?

Client: Yes, use these three screenshots.

Me: aren't you afraid the three screenshots might be too little for the amount of new dialogue?

Client: Just try, I'm sure it will work if you space it out nicely.

Me: OK...

I finished the video and sent it to the client.

Client: What is this, it looks terrible, the second half is fine, but the beginning bit just has three screenshots stretched across a minute's worth of audio.

Me: .....

Client: This is really too short. Can we add a paragraph or two to really describe the company?

Me: This is supposed to be your slogan.

Client: I know, I just want some details.