A client didn’t show up for a consultation and I could not get a hold of them. Thinking little of it, I rescheduled for a later time.

The next time I talked to them, I swear to god, this is the conversation that ensued.

Client: Why didn’t you call 911?

Me: What? Why?

Client: If you had a disabled parent and you couldn’t get a hold of them, what would you do?

Me: I would wait for them to get back to me.

Interestingly, I actually have a disabled parent who can’t easily answer the phone - the client didn't know that. 

Client: You should have called 911!

Me: I’m so sorry, did something happen?

Client: No, but you said you couldn’t get a hold of me. Something could have happened. You should have called the emergency line to do a check on me!

Me: I’ve never called 911 because I couldn’t reach someone. I’d only call if I suspected an emergency.

Client: If you can’t reach me, assume it is an emergency.

Me: Are you always available when there isn’t an emergency?

Client: No.

How's this for a compromise: whenever I can't get a hold of you, I'll call 411 and ask why I work with these people. 

Client: We don’t like the slideshow at the beginning of the movie. Can’t you turn the pictures into moving images?

An insane request from the Clients From Hell archives!

I agreed to pick up a test print of an ad campaign and brought it to the client in their office  before *waves* all this. This is why I stopped doing that, though:

Me: Okay, here's how it turned out. I think think it looks pretty good.

Client: Aren't you forgetting something?

I wracked my brain to think if I'd missed a deliverable.

Me: Um... I don't think so?

Client: "Here's how it turned out, sir." 

I blinked at him for a few moments before I could even understand what he was saying. It took less time to get really, REALLY angry about it.

Client: I want a logo redesign, but don't change it TOO much. I don't want to have to replace all my signs. Ideally, any change you make should be able to be painted onto what I have.

Me: Won't it take more money and effort to repaint your signs than to have new ones printed? 

Client: Sure, but my son paints and this will give him something to do. 

A few years ago, I was working on a major project for a client who frequently overestimated the strength of our relationship. 

Client: I have an ask. My kid is doing a science fair, and the prize is pretty prestigious. They've put in a lot of work on it, but neither of us have an eye for making the poster look good. I know you're busy, but is that something you can take on? It would mean a lot to me.

Me: I mean, I guess? I'm pretty busy with my project for your business, but if you already have all the text and photos I could probably whip something up pretty quick. 

Client: Oh, yeah, no, you'd have to write the text and source some photos.

Me: ...

Client: But you can have his notes! That's most of the work, right?

I was working with a band recording an EP. During one song, the guitarist could not get the solo right. After a few takes, I noticed she was improvising a different solo with each take.

I informed her she would either have to write the solo and play it the same way so I could edit it, or get it down in one take.

Client: Why can’t you just edit all my takes together?

Me: Because they’re all different.

Client: Of course they’re different, I’m playing something else!

Me: Well, that’s why.

The rest of the band agreed with my decision to cut the solo out of the song during mixing.

A reason to break up the band from the Clients From Hell archives!

Working remotely via Zoom: 

Client: Can you show me your office?

Me: I guess? Why?

Client: I want to make sure you actually have a sense of design in your own life before I hire you.

What's the most boundary-breaking exchange you've had with a client?

One company approached us some time ago, asking whether we can participate in their tender for website development. They told we need something like a NDA document before we receive their tender information and before we prepare a proposal. I asked them to send it for us to sign.

I thought it will be a regular NDA document. Nope. It included a clause which states that after signing NDA you are obliged NOT TO WORK with any of their competitors for 2 years. Not if you win a contract. Only if you decide to participate in tender. They were an online e-commerce store (with various products, so many companies were their competitors), so basically you need to stop most of your e-commerce development in order just to have a peek at their tender documents, no one guarantees you will be working with them.

Me: I am sorry, but there is this clause regarding not working with your competitors for 2 years if we want to receive your tender information. We can't sign this.

Client: Why not? Is it not a standard procedure?

Me: Nope. Yes, sometimes big companies, when they choose their web or marketing agency include similar clauses, but only after they start working. And usually they include yearly contracts of hundreds of thousands of dollars. Now, since many of regular ecommerce stores in the area are your competitors, that means we have to basically quit e-commerce development for 2 years, while it is one of our main income source. So I am sorry, but we wont sign it, and I dont believe any other company will sign this.

Client: Why not? Several other companies signed already.

Me: OK, let me paraphrase. No high-end web development companies will sign this. Those, who signed, either did not read NDA, or they are that desperate for any contract, or they are just lying and will ignore this DNA. Anyway, good luck with your project.

I work in IT Support, and today, one of my clients forwarded the automated "Your password is due to expire in [x] days. Click here to reset it." email to the IT department.

Me: Hi. It looks like you have forwarded the password expiry email to IT. Was this intentional? Can we help at all?

Client: Yes, this was intentional. I am being spammed with daily reminders to reset my password 14-days before it expires. I thought I would share my pain with you! How can I get rid of these reminders. They're ridiculous!

Me: All staff receive this email when their password is due to expire. It cannot be switched off. The emails will stop coming through, when you have reset your password.

Client: The password security here is like Fort Knox! I can barely work! It really is overkill!

They need to reset their password once every 90 days.