Client: How can get the Google logo to go back to normal? I am tired of all the fancy stuff.
A blast from the past from the Clients From Hell archives!
Client: I don't like this one color.
Me: That's an easy change. What color would you prefer?
Client: No, scrap it completely and start over.
Me: I thought you liked it except for that one color?
Client: Yes, but now that I've seen it this way it's the only way I can picture it. Start over.
So basically I got some small work contract with a PhD researcher. The described task is to design a battery charging circuit. They describe tasks, seems pretty usual, I sign etc. I specialize in embedded systems.
Client: Can you do a circuit that can charge a battery? We would need it soon.
Me: Sure, can you tell me the specifications? Voltage of the battery, input specs etc.
Client: Oh, I don't have them. You are from software right? Can you do a graphical interface in Mathlab instead?
Client: I'm a very visual person. Could you just show me what the site is going to look like before you design it?
Me: So... you want me to make it before I make it?
Client: If possible.
I make bespoke cosplay for folks going to conventions. Obviously, COVID-19 has caused problems for me, but at least it wasn't my only gig.
I'd made a cosplay for a client (Maka Albarn from Soul Eater if you want to know) right before the pandemic hit. Two weeks later, they contacted me on one of my messaging apps:
Client: I'd like a refund.
Me: I don't do refunds, which my website clearly states. Is there a problem?
Client: Well, I can't wear it to con.
Me: No, I suppose you can't.
Client: So I want to return it.
Me: I can't return my time, or the supplies that I used to make it.
Client: But it's not fair!
Me: You'd rather it wasn't fair for me?
I could see them typing and deleting a response for minutes. They were definitely trying to find the way to say "yes" that didn't make them seem like a jerk.
They didn't find it.
Client: We want to be on the first page of Google results for our key word.
Me: What's your key word?
Client: Burgers.
Me: ...Do you have anything more specific?
Client: Fries.
I write custom scripts for clients: presentations, plays, etc. A client approached me to write an entire, short play for a youn people's theater.
Two days before the show closed, the client sent me some notes from his 14-year old daughter on what we should change for the last two performances.
Client: We need you to write all the web content for the hotel we bought. Here's the brief.
Me: Great but says you need 500 words on the restaurant and there's no info on it in the brief. Menu? Chef? Photos? Anything I can work with?
Client: We'll get you that.
A week before deadline:
Me: I'm wrapping up your web content; still need to be briefed on the restaurant though.
No response.
Two days before deadline:
Me: So... Restaurant info?
Nothing.
Day of deadline:
Me: Here's the completed project except for the restaurant page.
Client: This is unacceptable. You won't get paid until we get the restaurant page.
Me: You've given me zero info on the restaurant.
Client: Just get it done.
Client: Someone in Australia is using my name.
Me: It's their name too.
Client: But they're a coal miner! It's making me look bad.
Me: Uh...
Client: Can you make them change? Or at least remove them from Google?
Post-coronavirus, I onboarded a new client. As we wrapped up our zoom call, I could tell he was sort of expecting something.
Me: ...Is there anything else?
Client: Do you have anything else to say?
Me: I think I'm covered.
He seemed disappointed.
Me: ...Is there something you WANTED me to say?
Client: Well, I know work is hard to come by for most people these days, so I thought maybe you'd want to say "thank you" for the job.