Me: Try logging in with your username and a blank password.
Client: It's not working.
Me: What password did you use?
Client: It's 'blank'.
Me: Well then it should work.
Client: It's not working. It says 'cannot connect to database'.
Me: Where it says 'Password', tell me exactly what you have there.
Client: Like you told me to, I typed in the word 'b l a n k'.
Me: When I said 'blank', I meant that there is no password. The field needs to be left empty.
Client: Oh... right, it's working now!!
Client: So I was going through Microsoft Word looking at fonts and I found this font I've never seen before.
Me: (cringing) Yes there are a wide variety of fonts available today. I can research some that would be great for your…
Client: No, no, I found the exact one I want, it's perfect.
Me: Um, okay, what's the font.
Client: Pay-Py-Ruse.
Me: (dropping feeling in my stomach) Um, can you spell that.
Client: Oh, yeah, sure: P-A-P-Y-R-U-S
Me: …
At this point I'm grateful that it's a phone conversation.
Client: *keeps going on and on how this is the PERFECT font*
Me: What about the Papyrus do you like?
Client: It's so rough and fresh. It's like it's hand-drawn. I've never seen anything like it.
Me: (trying to be gentle) It is an interesting font, I get the appeal of a hand-drawn font. Unfortunately, it's been used so many times that it's entering the realm of Comic Sans in reputation. We can do a font study to find something that has the rough, fresh, professional, hand-drawn feel you desire.
Client: I've never seen it before, I think that's just a thing with you designery type.
Me: …
Client: So, we're using Papyrus.
In the end, we parted ways congenially after some less than productive attempts at the image. It's the only client I've had to walk away from, but hey, I never had to present logo options with the Papyrus font.
Client: Can you make the logo look like this mythological symbol? Also, I want one of the main colors to be bold, bright orange.
Me: Well, I don’t think your customers would easily connect that mythological symbol with your home improvement business. Let’s talk about other options, such as illustrations that relate to your services. Also, I created some modern color palettes that include the orange that you mentioned.
Client: OK, fine, I don’t really care about it that much anyway. You’re kind of hurting my ego here.
I work IT for a network of hospitals and take calls in my cubicle all day. This is a call I just took.
Me: Helpdesk.
Client: Hi, I was wondering if I could install Remote Desktop on my computer.
Me: PC or Mac?
Client: It's a Mac.
Me: Is it a personal computer, or is it owned by our company?
Client: It's mine.
Me: I'm sorry, we don't provide support for personal computers on this line.
Client: Oh, I don't need help. I just wanted to know if I was allowed.
Me: ...Sure. Go right ahead. You can do whatever you'd like with your computer.
Client: Great! Thanks.
Client: I want you to write this in under 10 thousand words.
Me: OK.
Client: Not enough detail. Flesh it out or I'm not paying.
Me: I fleshed it out, but it was pretty tight already. To get all the details in you wanted I went over.
Client: TOO MANY WORDS. Also, I want it formatted for eBooks as part of the budget.
Me: (staring at the meager amount in escrow) Yeah, nah.
A client had three intro boxes on their homepage which had a one- or two-word title, a picture automatically cropped by the Content Management System to a specific size, and a variable-length paragraph underneath the picture. The character limit on the title and the specific size of photo meant the photos were always in line with each other.
Client: Can we move the paragraph to above the photo instead of below it?
Me: I don't recommend that. It would mean the photos wouldn't always line up with each other depending on each user's browser width, screen resolution and zoom level, as the paragraphs are of varying length.
Client: I'd like to try it anyway, please go ahead and make the change.
I make the change. It looks awful.
Client: OK, I see what you mean...
Me: (internally) Thanks, now please can I change it back?
Client: ...However I'd like to see what my other options are. My friend who knows CSS has just said if I give the block a minimum pixel height the photos would line up. Can you do that?
Argh.
Me: Again, whatever height it's set at, there will be people who see the photos out of alignment due to a combination of screen resolution, browser width, zoom level and text length. I recommend the photo goes back to above the paragraph.
Client: On my screen a minimum height of 70 pixels looks perfect. Please make the minimum height of the block 70 pixels.
Me: (begrudgingly) OK, it's done.
Client: Thanks!
One week later:
Client: Hey, I just looked at the site on a larger screen and now there is too much space between the text and the photo. Please could you take a look? Also, on my Uncle's smaller screen, box 2 has one extra line compared to the others, containing just one word. Please fix.
Me: Here are some new restricted CMS login details, It gives your friends access to edit the CSS stylesheet files only. Please let me know when they've finished.
What I didn't say at the end of that was: so I can laugh.
I also quietly removed my web design credit from the footer of the website.
Client: I need this done AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
Me: I have a lot of orders ahead of yours. If there's a rush, can you let me know a date you need it done by so I can put it in as a rush order?
Client: No I don't want a rush I just want it done NOW.
So don't rush, just do it immediately. Gotcha.
I work at a small IT consultancy, providing support of various kinds for startups and other small companies. Our focus is on planning and thoughtful recommendations, rather than being reactive. We work with dozens of companies, and our weeks are generally scheduled out a week or more in advance.
One day a client with about 40 employees sent an email at 5 PM:
Client: Hi! Sorry for the short notice, but we're moving our office from the 3rd floor to the 5th floor tomorrow. Can someone come onsite at 9 AM?
We don't work with that client anymore.
Several years back, I volunteered to produce some event materials for the local Boy Scouts district free of charge because I had a personal connection with them.
Their headquarters was in a local shopping mall, who were a long-time client of mine. After I made the Boy Scout materials, the new mall administration contacted me about producing posters to promote an upcoming holiday event. I agreed, and produced some proofs that I sent them for approval. They didn't respond.
I followed up several times but while they responded they never actually gave me feedback. With the deadline fast approaching I took it upon myself to produce ten large posters for their kiosk displays. I delivered these to the mall office, only to have them tell me the manager and PR person were out of the office for meetings. I left the posters behind and went on my merry way.
Client: What are these?
Me: You asked me to produce these. I was waiting for feedback but you never sent any, and with the deadline arriving I finished the job.
Client: I never looked at your proofs. But you also left a bill?
Me: Yes?
Client: We thought you would do this for free!
They had spoken to the Boy Scouts district official, who had told them I did the Scout event posters for free...they fully expected that I would do their holiday posters at no charge! Needless to say, I did no further work for the mall, and had some harsh conversations with the Boy Scout district volunteers!
Me: I will need at least a week after shooting to edit everything to have it ready for the event on the 6th. Let me know when we can get everyone together.
Client: Can we film on the 4th?