Client: Can you enlarge this picture?
Me: The 640x480 one?
Client: Yeah. I need it enlarged to 18 meters by 6 meters.
I work for a company that installs custom made desks for manual labor.
Me: I'm just following up on the installation we made last week at your factory so we can tie things up before your final payment.
Client: We are still reading through the documentation and validating the installation, please call me later next week.
Weeks pass. I keep calling, they don't respond. Finally:
Me: Have you finished your evaluation?
Client: Sorry, but last week we sold everything on the factory floor to someone. You should be able to get your payment from him.
Me: Uhhh... no. This was not agreed to and is a breach of contract.
Client: Oh no, no, no, no. We still have everything on the factory floor. We were thinking you could come and take it back. We were just showing the new owner what he could do with the space when he moves in. Like a work in progress exhibit.
Me: So you sold the desks to the new owner, but you want us to come pick them up so you don't have to pay for them?
Client: YES! You still have time to pick them up, and then the new owner will buy them back from you. He will want them installed at his factory right away.
Client: This is good business for both of us.
Me: Expect a message from our lawyers.
I recently started a side gig making miniature terrain pieces. The client I was working with has experience doing the same thing but hired me as he didn't have time to do it himself.
Me: So I'm going to do this part with the guided cutter so its easier to install the decorative pieces.
Client: It's not necessary to use the guided cutter for everything, just use the handheld piece so it looks more natural.
Me: Okay, but It's not going to look as nice
I then sent the test piece of the horrible result to get confirmation before moving on. Which he did. So I sent the test piece again with the decorative pieces (showing just how bad it looked).
Client: Perfect. Go ahead and finish them up.
The next day, after I'd already started painting;
Client: These cuts look horrible! which tool did you use for them!?
Me: The handheld cutter, like you asked me to.
Client: Why did you do that?! The cuts aren't clean at all!
Me: Yes, that's why I wanted to use the guided cutter.
Client: You should have just used a knife!
The space wasn't big enough to fit the knife...
And to top the whole thing off. The client was my dad. Who taught me how to do this job.
I use to have a side business with my ex-husband when we were married. We split up years and years ago, and he retained that business.
Today, I was contacted by a former client. It has been at least 15 years at least since I did work for them.
Client: You built my website, and I need changes.
Me: I'm sorry, but you will need to contact my ex-husband, he is the sole owner now.
Client: No, I want you do it.
Me: I haven't worked on websites in over 15 years. I wouldn't know where to start building one today.
Client: That's impossible. The internet hasn't even been around for 15 years!
I work for a small family business in the entertainment industry as an Office Assistant (aka whatever needs doing at the time). Recently I've taken up doing updates and writing some content for our WordPress site.
Client: We're going to start offering three or four new products and I want to get our new sister website and running. I'll need pictures and descriptions for all of them.
Me: Got it, I'll start writing...
Client: Just go on our competitor's sites and copy-paste the stuff that looks good because you know they're going to be doing it to us too.
Me: ...Got it.
Needless to say, I'm not actually going to do that. My hard work helping my boss avoid copyright cease and desist will never be appreciated.
Client: I need a banner with my podcast logo on it and a caricature of me in the lower left. Gonna use it for my [streaming service] videos.
Me: No problem, how big is the banner going to be and do you know who will be printing it?
I've made it a habit to ask my clients who is printing their work, as some online printing services like you to use their templates for sizing and formatting.
Client: Uh, I have no idea, let me measure.
Me: OK, while you're doing that, can you forward me a picture of yourself I can use for reference when I draw you?
The client sends me a picture of himself wearing a hat, thick glasses, and most of his face obscured by a giant black microphone.
Me: So if I'm going to be drawing your face, I'd like to be able to see your face?
Client: Oh yeah, Haha, that makes sense. Just a minute.
Ten minutes later he sends a picture of his face, no hat or glasses. He's got the blankest expression I've ever seen, and his face is covered in thick stubble. Regardless, I draw a picture of him making that same face and send it back to him two days later.
Client: Ugh, I look so old in this. Why did you draw me with a scruffy beard? Also I'm famous for my smile, why aren't I smiling?
Me: ...ok, please send me a picture of you shaved and smiling then. Did you get that info I asked for yet?
Client: They said to just send a PDF.
Me: ...what size? And who is printing it?
Client: I dunno, I didn't measure yet. Let me get back to you.
He sends me a picture of him, no hat or accessories, just smiling. I re-draw the caricature and send it back. He gets back to me two days later.
Client: It looks alright I guess, but where's the hat and sunglasses? I'm famous for my hat and sunglasses. Also there should be a microphone over my mouth.
Me (internally): ...the mouth you're famous for smiling with?
Me: OK I'll get those added. Did you get the measurements?
Client: Yeah, they said to just send a PDF.
Me: WHO said this, and WHAT SIZE should I format the PDF?
Client: I dunno, what's a good size you think?
Me: You tell me, you're the one that has to frame the shot for the video.
Client: Good point, let me do some measurements.
I re-draw the caricature AGAIN, making sure I add every detail as specified. I even manage to improvise and draw him from a different angle so his "famous smile" can be visible next to the microphone. Two more days pass and I send the caricature to the client again.
Client: OK, this looks cool. Love it! The banner should be 3 feet tall, four feet wide.
THANK YOU I think to myself. I assemble the banner (and end up having to re-do it a couple times because he's not happy with the layout he specifically told me to give him). Afterwards, I finally get his PDF created and exported to him. A day later, I get this message:
Client: They said you were supposed to use their template. Also you didn't add my [local sports team] hoodie to the caricature. I'm famous for that! How fast can you fix this?
Me: *head-desks myself to sleep*
Just got a voicemail from a potential client for a website design. He was referred to me by nickel-and-diming former client, for whom I designed an underfunded project from hell. Yellow flag, if not a red flag.
So I Google the potential client’s phone number. He’s the founder of... a website design company.
Client: There are just too many errors for me to even begin. Please stop all work as I've hired a new developer who gets me and has better communication. Please send an invoice for work completed. I won't pay until you fix the errors.
I was a little shocked since this totally came out of nowhere. We'd spoken about 3 times with several emails since it was only a 1-page website with 400 words and her 15 blogs that we imported from her current website. Her needs were very simple so was the website. I couldn't fathom how many errors there could be that she couldn't list them.
I called and left a message to speak to her in person because I was sure it was a misunderstanding... and there was.
It turns out her husband had already tried to migrate the old, live website to her new host and completely broke her live website. Not only that, but he was unaware of how DNS works and that her email was tied to it. So when he moved it he also broke her email settings.
Not sure how this our fault, I explained this to her and clarified that it was not the work we did but what her husband had done.
It took me 5 minutes to fix her live website by simply resetting the permalinks.
I sent her the invoice and, giving her credit, she paid it but she never said another word to me.
I'd like to think it was out of embarrassment.
I am redoing a website for a client who owns a spa. She had me go over the policies section as a second set of eyes.
Me: Here, in the spa etiquette section - it still asks guests to "silence or turn off their cell phones or pagers. We could modernize that section and change the title to "Cellphones and Tablets" or just "mobile devices."
Client: That doesn't seem necessary. Since when do people not use pagers?
Me: Roughly the year 2000? Outside of the first responder and medical emergency communities pagers are basically considered retro-tech, like palm pilots.
Client: Jesus how old AM I?
That section is now titled "Cellphones and Tablets"