Client: Okay, this is what I think you should shoot for. I want you to come up with an idea, something new. Something that no one has ever thought of before, that can guarantee results but doesn't cost any money.
Me: That would make me Steve Jobs, except for the free part.
Client: Ha! No seriously, be creative.
Me: <Slow blink>
Once again, a client has pulled the old, "Quick we need a landing page by tomorrow" yet provides no text, images or other data as to what is to be on the landing page.
Client: What do you need from me to get started?
Client: Um... Everything.
I make custom items from metal, which involve machining, designing, etching, installing electronics, etc.
I was working with a client who I realized would be well served with a design I'd started on my own time.
Me: I have an incomplete design that could be modified to suit your needs.
Client: Will that knock the price down?
Me: No. most of what I'm charging for doesn't change and besides, I should be paid for the design work I've already done.
Client: Will it make it any quicker?
Me: Maybe a little, but there is no real difference to you.
Lesson to me: don't tell the client if you're using previous work. Lesson to the client: DESIGN DOESN'T HAVE "DISCOUNTED FLOOR MODELS."
I was building a webpage for a company who absolutely needed it live the following Monday morning due to a load of press ads going out with the URL printed.
I built the site and put in the images and content and submitted the work to the client:
Client: I am not going to get client approval as they are so easy - so long as it looks good can you go live. I am in later on Sunday so could check it then but just go live once text is in. I need to go now as I have an event to attend tonight so I am just trusting you will get this done - many thanks.
Me: What? Live where?
Client: *silence*
Me: I don’t have any details on the hosting. I don't know if I am supposed to be hosting this or if they have their own setup? I don't even know what the domain is! Do we have access to the domain name and can we even change the A records?
Client: *even more silence*
I bet I get an angry message on Monday morning asking why the site isn't live and it will somehow be my fault despite me trying to phone, email and text to find out what's going on.
Client: Can you design birthday tags? For candies?
Me: Sure! What's the theme?
They sent a photo without any reference for size.
Client: Like this one. I want 50 tags, how much is it?
Me: What's the tag size?
Client: I don't know, make it like the one in the picture.
Me: Sure, but I can't tell the size from the picture, can you measure it?
Client: Oh, it's small.
Me: ... Okay. 3cm?
Client: I don't know. Like the size of a fridge magnet.
Me: ...
So I did a 5cm tag and the client did not like it. Too small.
Good planning let me turn a potential CFH into a golden goose. Specifically, the fact that our contract that didn't include revisions.
What's the red flag to the situation I barely avoided? The fact that every email during the proof stage started with:
Client: So I passed this around the office...
*shudder*
I'm a freelance photographer going into a phone call with a potential new client, a regional nonprofit hospital's marketing department:
Me: So what are you looking for?
Client: Yeah, so what DPI can you take pictures at?
It didn't work out.
We've recently come across a client who has an interesting way of avoiding admitting he's underbudgeted for a project:
Client: We need to reselect the bathroom floors.
Me: Why?
Client: We're installing next week and it won't be here for four weeks.
Client: We also need to reselect the foyer material.
Me: Ok, why?
Client: There's only six pieces in the country, we need seven, and it won't be here for six weeks. We also need to reselect the kitchen counters, they won't be here for eight weeks.
My hackles are all the way raised now: these counters are specially made in the US with very specific lead times and should have been ordered weeks before.
Me: We specified these six months ago. Why will they not be there for eight weeks?
It was stunning to watch them try and find a way to say "We can't afford these even though it was always in budget, and waited until you had no choice but to reselect or delay the project" without admitting to any wrongdoing.
I was a sound mixer for decades. I was working with an artist whose initials started with A and was once part of a famous duo.
This guy was a jerk.
In the tape-based old days (no computers) the recording process allowed for song parts to be replaced within reason but A wasn't reasonable.
Client: I don't like how "the" sounds in this line. Replace it, without disturbing the words on either side.
Me: Can we just record another take?
Client: No.
I did it, after many painstaking hours and many, many tries, each time threatening to wipe out the words on either side because it's VERY difficult to isolate less than a second of tape.
I'm glad we got rid of tape. I'm also glad nobody cares about this client anymore.
For a week now I have been designing food label templates for the local bakeries. I've put in a lot of effort for them to look professional; I made stylish illustrations, used professional fonts like Lobster and Bernier, and, and carefully balanced elements like calorie information with the main selling points.
Last Friday:
Client: Get rid of the pics and put it all in Comic Sans.
I lost my faith in humanity that day.