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SUBMIT STORY

I worked in an Emergency Room (department, whatever) where I was placed on a committee as a technical expert. I proposed using software that would require the doctors to undergo some training but would pay high dividends. 

Department Manager: I see no reason why these doctors should take this class.

Nursing Supervisor: It's absurd that we should make the doctors do ANY training for this.

My boss: I don't understand why the doctors should have to learn this.

Me:  This software will take about 5 minutes of work off of every patient they see. At 20 patients a shift, that time will add up quickly. It will also remove items X, Y, and Z from other people freeing them up for patient satisfaction. For the 6 hours of training required, that will pay off in time savings in weeks and cut staffing requirements at the same time.

Head doctor: That makes a lot of sense, we should do the training.

Department Manager, Nursing Supervisor, and My Boss: (backtracking) Oh of course we need to do this training!

They did not do the training.

Six months after launch I was brought into another meeting in which I was asked how the doctors could save time on every patient.  

Me: Well, there is that software that could shave five minutes off of all patient interactions. 

Department Manager, Nursing Supervisor, and My Boss: Why didn't you propose this sooner?

Me: ...

One of my anniversary gifts from that employer was scotch glasses.  I didn't understand until later how fitting a gift they were.

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Me: Cool, send me the roster with names and numbers and I can make the video.

Client: Sounds good!

The client sends me the roster. I make the video by copying and pasting the names and numbers he gives me.

Client: Hey, I noticed you spelled some of the names wrong.

Nope, YOU spelled them wrong on YOUR roster.

Sigh.

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Client: I want you to write a series of profiles about everyday people for our magazine.

Me: Great!

Client: I already have the first assignment. This woman is my manicurist, but she's fascinating. She went through a long bout of infertility.

Me: Um....okay. If you say there's a story.

I interview the manicurist and... she's dull. Her story about her "long bout of infertility" was really "I had a long bout of infertility, and then I didn't." I did the best I could and submitted the story. 

Client: Why the hell did you write about this woman? She's completely boring. I don't think this is going to work going forward.

Me: I think you're right.

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Client: I need this calendar updated by tomorrow for the coming months. Here is an old calendar for reference on layout and design.

Me: Ok, since it was just updating the months and info, I was able to crank it out quickly. Attached is the proof for design and layout. I will need the upcoming event information, though, as the info in there right now is just a placeholder. All the dates are correct, but I will need the new events and times to replace the old ones. If you could send that to me soon, I'll get you a final version asap.

Client: I'm reeeeeally going to need you to update it to the current schedule. I'm not going to even open this until you include the correct information and times. Let's try again.

Me: Yes, I'm waiting for that information from you. If you could send it or point me to where to find it, that'd be great.

Client: It's all in this portal if you just look around a bit.

He included a link.

Me: It looks like that portal is locked, so I will need access to it. I will find the correct info if you can give me access. Thanks!

Client: I'm going to need you to figure this out, I needed the calendar yesterday!

Me: (throws computer out the window)

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Client: Hello, we saw your resume online and thought you would be perfect for what we have planned! How soon can you get started?

Me: I'm available any time. Can I ask what company this is?

Client: Oh, I'm sorry but that's confidential. In order to maximize our marketing value, we can't let anyone know we're seeking help.

Me: Uh huh... well, can you at least tell me what you do?

Client: Certainly! We're all about increasing our value in the professional community, and actualizing our potential and the potential of the people with whom we do business!

Me: Cute, but what I meant was, what would I actually be doing for you?

Client: You would be achieving more from your life journey!

Me: I see, and how much would I be getting paid for all this achieving?

Client: We believe in fairness and equality. We're not all about the money here, we believe in putting people before profit!

Me: Right, I think I'm going to pass.

Client: But how can you turn down such an incredible opportunity?

Me: Oh, I never turn down incredible opportunities. Come back to me when you actually have one.

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I'm a graphic designer. My older cousin of mine is also one, but she ended up working in a non-design related job. She travels a lot with her friends, mainly to other friends' weddings at the beach and recently took a course on how to do make-up. 

I got this call after she got certified:

Client: I'd like to have my make-up artist branding and I was wondering if you could make my logo to promote myself. I'm broke because I have lots of bills to pay but we could come up with an arrangement. 

Me: Uhh well, if you can't afford a designer why don't you do it yourself? You're a Designer after all.

Client: I've lost practice and have no time to work on it! lol please help me out! I'll pay you back doing your make-up any time you want.

Me: Since I'm a freelancer I can't afford to work without a commission but I'd be happy to give you feedback if you design it yourself.

Client: Ok, fine, you don't want to do it. Let me know if you change your mind.

I felt a bit guilty for not helping her since she's family but I was sure she couldn't afford me because of her lack of money management and priorities since she travels a lot and loves shopping.

Two weeks later she was sharing Insta-Stories of her and her boyfriend on a new trip. Guess she's broke and got no time to invest in her business but she can take time and afford to travel?

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I'm a writer who was writing an article for a client. I submitted it for review. 

Client: This intro is too short. Extend it to 150 words. 

I extended it. 

Client: This intro is too long. Also, I'm ending the contract because I don't think this is working out.

What? 

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Client: I want the Kobe Bryant of editors, at Mo Williams prices.

This was the text of a job I saw listed on Upwork. Points for honesty, at least.

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I work as a software developer for a company, and sometimes the helpdesk passes over problems that require a coded solution. The other day though I get this helpdesk ticket where a customer was saying that the print margins were off on various print tasks.

It's a problem I've seen before, and it's caused by the 3rd party software that handles the printing getting its settings messed up on the admin account.

Me: They just need to log in as admin and adjust the print settings.

The next day I get an email:

Client: That didn't work, so we uninstalled the third party program. Now we are getting a whole bunch errors.

Imagine that, you remove a required third-party program and suddenly our software isn't working correctly. I get the idea of perhaps we need to uninstall and reinstall, but why in the world would they just stop after uninstalling it and then be surprised they now have all sorts of error messages?

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Client: I want you to come to my office so we can talk about this face to face. If you don't, I will work with someone else.

Me: You are 200 miles away, and we are talking about a deal worth 50 USD. If I come to your office I would lose money to do this job. 

Client: Well, I am not going to pay for your travel expenses.

Me: Even if you would, it would be still a loss for us, because our time is worth more. If you need a face to face meeting, If you want to meet someone face to face I suggest you find someone more local. 

Client: So that's it? You don't want my business?

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