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SUBMIT STORY

I was working on a small project as a contractor with an agency. The project involved coming up with marketing ideas for a local tattoo shop.

One of my clients was an account manager who was particularly obnoxious as she frequently talked about herself in a condescending way, injected her personal opinions into conversations, and seemed pretty unaware of herself in general. 

Client: How about removable tattoos that the business could give away to promote the tattoo shop?

Me: Umm, I don't know if that would really make sense or if the business would like that idea.

Another client/account manager agreed with me and said so. 

Client: Sure, kids would especially love them. You have to think about the marketing as it relates to the business, you know?

The other account ,manager and I had to listen to her justify how great her removable tattoo giveaway idea was for 5 minutes, while we tried REALLY hard not to roll our eyes or just walk away from the conversation.

Because nothing says get a permanent & awesome tattoo, like a cheap removable tattoo sticker promoting the business.

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I work for a company that installs industrial equipment with a proprietary software interface to the control system, which is on a PC in a control room nearby. I received a phone call from an operator at a new facility in Alabama. 

You'll find clients who don't know what they're doing anywhere, but the ones in the South have a flavor that's... special.

Client: The equipment ain't runnin'!

Me: OK, let me remote in and check things out

Me: Everything looks OK on my end.

Client: Eet not runnin'!

Me: A... Are you sure? It looks like I'm getting good data.

Client: Eet not runnin'!

Me: ..... Do me a favor and open the door.

I can hear the equipment running over the phone now.

Client: What'd'you do!?

Me: I didn't do anything, it was already running

Client: What'd'you do!? How'd'you do that!?

Me: It was already running

Client: No it wa'nt! What'd'you do?

Me: I fixed it.

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I was doing the layout for a book that was over 100 pages. When talking to the client/writer I told him that I copy and paste the content and make it look pretty, I am not an editor/content reviewer. 

Client: Here is the final copy for the book. 

Me: Perfect. This has been edited and reviewed and is the final version?

Client: Yes, I've read it over many times and I've had multiple people read it over as well.

Me: Great, I will start laying it out and send you a proof soon.

I spent weeks laying it out and then sent the proof.

Client: There are a lot of spelling mistakes in this.

Me: I don't review/edit the content. I told you that from the beginning, I'm not an editor, I have no experience in editing or writing. 

Client: Well you should pay more attention!

The client sent massive list of spelling changes. I reluctantly made all the changes.

Me: OK, all of those changes have been made, here is the latest proof. 

Client: Looks great to me, send it to print!

Me: Have you reviewed it again to make sure there are no other spelling mistakes? We are about to print 3000 copies of this book.

Client: Of course I have! You do your job and I'll do mine!

I sent the file to the printers, and the book is published. 

Client: HOW COME I JUST FOUND ANOTHER SPELLING MISTAKE?

Me: *bashes head against wall*

 

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I work as a full-time freelancer for the past 8 years and I occasionally receive job proposals from random clients from a forum I'm a member of. 

Client: Are you looking for work? I have a part-time job that takes 10 to 15 hours per week,managing a website. A lot of it is working on auto-pilot but some things require a human. What are your hourly rates?

Me: Yeah, I could take that on. What's your budget?

I didn't know if my minimum $25/h would scare him or be too low.

Client: Yeah, it's pretty simple and fun. About the hourly: we had this dude, paid him $15/h, good worker. We now have this other dude, doesn't do much, misses deadline, doesn't communicate and we pay him $5/h. So if you could do what the first dude did and we pay you like the second one, that'd be great.

 

 

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I recently worked with an Account Executive of a creative business on various painfully chaotic projects.

Their business didn’t seem to have a clear direction, with tons of dependencies to “figure out” what to do next in a variety of situations. Lots of shifting stories and egos.

One of the biggest red flags was that the Account Executive’s email font was in Comic Sans.

Big, bold Comic Sans.

And no, it had nothing to do with their overall brand message or identity.

In 2020, how does this happen?

 

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Me: You see your mouse cursor on the screen?  Use your mouse, put the cursor over the link and click it.

Client: What's a mouse cursor?

The client is an IT MANAGER for a major company.

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I'm an industrial and interior designer. For a client's research project, I designed and built an interactive installation, with VR and physical interactions. Everything went quite well for this part, but at the end when I offered to create promotional content (high-quality photos and videos), the client told me there was no more budget, and asked me if I could still create the content.

Client: I have no research budget for the photos and videos. Can you still do it?

Me: Well... I have to do it for my portfolio anyway... But it's going to be more "modest" than what I would have done with budget, and it's going to be focused for my personal use. But I can share the content with you once it's done!

Client: OK! I just need it for my PhD defense. 

Me: OK! If you don't mind I will ask you to pay the costs 50-50 with me. So just like 80$ to pay a photographer friend a little bit and rent some additional filming equipment. He will bring his cameras for free and we will be the models in the videos and photos.

We did everything and ended up with good footage and photos, which I shared with her right away.

Three weeks later:

Client: Hey! So, is the video done? I need it in 3 months.

Me: Well, it's not. I am sorry, but the thing is... I learned that I have cancer. So I will not be able to edit the footage and make a quality video. I need to focus on my health. But I can refer you a friend to help you with the video, it's due in 3 months, it's really doable.

Client: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that! But you put me in trouble, you know. I don't have any money to pay your friend. You told me you could make the video. I was relying on you!

Me: Well, like I said, I have CANCER. 

Client: I know and I am really sorry for you and wish you the best, BUT... When I tell someone I can do something for them, I try to be true to my word...

Me: Well... How long do you want your video?

Client: 10 minutes.

Me: What? Sorry, it won't be possible and I think there was a misunderstanding. I offered to share a video I would do for MYSELF, for my portfolio. Something 1 minute long, max. You can't possibly think that for $80, you would get professional quality photos and footage, and get me to work like 20 hours to make a professional 10 minute video, right? Already, you got the content and you paid practically nothing for it.

Client: WHAT? I paid nothing? I paid $80 and you told me you would make me a video! I was there for 4 hours when you filmed and took photos. I modeled. I worked and helped you, you know, it's worth something! 

Me: I was there as well, directing the video without a scenario because you couldn't pay me to prepare one. I was there for more than 4 hours, and managed everything. And... I HAVE CANCER, REMEMBER?

Client: If I knew you would drop me like that, I would just have taken pictures and videos with my iPhone.

What. The. Hell. 

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I recently started a new job. One of our clients was up for renewal for our service and I was stressed they were not going to renew their contract because they had been exceedingly difficult to get feedback from or get a hold of. I'm talking 6 different follow-up emails before finally hearing back.

Thankfully, the client agreed to renew. Turns out they actually loved the service but were so busy they didn't have time to give feedback. This was before COVID started forcing business closures.

Yesterday I got a frantic call from my boss asking if the client had signed their renewal contract. I was confused, I wear a lot of hats, but the billing, sales, and contracts for the service fall under my boss, not me. I said I wasn't sure and asked if it was something I was supposed to do. He started ranting about how the world "had now changed" and who knows if the client would be able to sign now since all of their stores were now closed.

After we hung up I checked my email and found an email from him, which was a forward of what he had sent to the client with the contract attached, asking them to sign last month. He copied my manager as well, and asked if we had heard back. I skimmed it and then realized he hadn't even copied either of us on the original email! Neither of us knew he had sent it and weren't even involved in the conversation...

The client ended up signing and everything was fine but I think my boss still thinks this is somehow my fault.

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I brought up a marketing idea in a meeting, and it was shot down condescendingly.

Client: We don't really do things that way. 

He gave a reason, but it didn't really make sense.

I was invited to a lunch and learn that afternoon where they brought in another consultant they'd worked with before to give a talk. He recommended doing exactly what I'd said. This time the client nodded his head approvingly. 

What the hell. 

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I'm a developer helping a company as they make an software application.  Friday afternoon, they're panicking because they've now missed a deliverable deadline by a week. They had their client over to do some User-Acceptance Testing and nothing was working.  They video conferenced me in a panic.

Client: See? The search feature on the portal isn't working! We type in this value which should return at least this database entry but we're getting nothing!

Me: Huh, that is weird.  It's working in the development environment.  Maybe it's outside of the default search criteria ranges of the other filters?  Clear all of the search fields and search again.  That should return everything, then we can test the filters one-by-one.  

The search filters were cleared.  Only half of the entries returned back.

Me: Wait, we're also missing the new analytics report I implemented.

Client: Yeah, but this search issue is a higher priority!

Me: And the data report columns don't have the new fields.  I showed them to you right before I committed them to the repository...

Client: ...

Me: Did you commit my feature changes on the repository to the server you're testing on?

Client: We... need to go.  

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