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I want it to be mystical, but more realistic…

A few days ago I did photoshoot for a pole dancing school. The shoot was for three coaches, and I was supposed to shoot them as they danced, demonstrated moves, etc.

The schedule of the day was always to begin taking natural shots, and when that was done I would swap out the lights for some moody portraits. 

Half an hour into the shoot and the first coach said that she had to go. I'd already taken a number of photos, so I let her know I would send her what I had but that she wouldn't get anything from the second set. She left.

Two hours later, I finished the rest of the natural shoot and changed the setup for the moodier shoot. That went well, and after a couple of days where I edited everything I sent them off. The first coach, the one who left early, responded: 

Client: Hey, can you make photos of me look like moody/mystical photos you took of the owner?

Me: I can try, but that was a very different lighting setup. 

After some dodging, burning, and other Photoshop magic, I came with something that looks like she wanted. Her response:

Client: I want it to look more natural.

1) Moody/mystical and "natural" are pretty different vibes 2) you left partway through the shoot. I don't know what you want me to do for you.  

 

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“I had to edit your document, so I’m going to pay you less”

Had a client that was incredibly cost sensitive from the get go.

They recently sent me a brief for a complicated writing project. I began, and it became clear that the scope of the project was larger than I realized.

Me: This is a much bigger job than I expected. I'm going to have to incrementally increase my quote. 

Client: Fine, I guess.

Eventually I finished the project. She sent me a number of small revisions - she was very exacting - and I made everything even though I was already over my budgeted time. 

After sending in my invoice, I got this back from the client:

Client: It took me two hours to look at what you sent. Normally it would take 10-15 minutes. Perhaps we can compromise and I'll pay you half of what we agreed?

It took you longer because it was a big project - that doesn't mean you get to pay me less. 

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So, just update the font maybe?

A client wanted a new logo to rebrand a business acquisition:

Client: Make it new while traditional, fresh but conservative, there are no limits to what you can suggest but keep it close to the original!

I think I'm just going to update the font. 

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Request for 5 minute Oil Paintings

A bride called and asked if the artist I work with can do oil paintings at her wedding.  He does wedding paintings.  She liked the ones on the website.  They take 25 hours to do one. 

Client: I want a painting of each guest they can take home as a memento.

Me: That's a massive job, and I don't think anyone on earth could do it.

She also complained that $2500 for an 18" x 24" oil painting was too high. 

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Love your work but…

Client: You know, the only reason I hired you is because you were cheaper than the other bids I got.

Says the guy who self-published a book about the a-hole behavior he subjected his wife to, and how her love helped him overcome being an a-hole. True story. 

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Vacated

Client: (texts) I need you to start working on another site. Please *lists full quota of information about colors, info etc* 

Me: Do you want me to prioritize this over the other work you asked for?

Client: Stop texting me I'm on holiday

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More is better?

A client asked for sales page copy. They sent a very precise template from a marketing guru which I spent three hours dissecting and followed exactly. I used copywriting standards while maintaining the brand voice i.e. lead with benefit, focus on the customer, concise text, call to action, etc.

They didn't respond at all. Eventually, their business partner reached out and told me "that's not exactly what she wants. I'm having the previous copywriter send you a template."

Me: Great! Happy to take feedback

Those templates:  FOURTEEN PAGES  of drivel, mostly talking about the client.

I spent a couple hours basically just free-writing anything that came to mind and delivered four pages of "inspiration porn."

Client: I love it! Can you add in these 4 other things about me?

I'm getting paid but I will never include these in my portfolio.

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Now I’m the crazy one

I was hired by a psychotherapy firm to create a website. Now, weeks later, they still don't agree with each other on the colors, fonts, layout and animations we approved before. Eight versions later and we are still debating if the Facebook icon on the right or left properly conveys all society's mental health political issues or something like that. 

The whole process was so terrible that now I feel like I need therapy. Just not from these people.

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Warning Bells from first contact

I work for a small agency that designs and builds budget home recording studios. Part of our value offer is that we do the design and costing, help them with the initial build and let them do the painting and finishing themselves to save some money through sweat equity.

Most jobs come from word of mouth and  a new enquiry came in. Clearly the  guy had lofty aims and my spider sense tingled when he mentioned they were getting external funding so they could get young people involved in music. I'm pretty experienced in  this and was at one point a college teacher, and the way he was talking about this opportunity seemed... flimsy. 

The red flags kept coming. He disagreed with virtually everything I said, rejecting all my ideas and setting aside things that NEEDED to be done. A badly designed space is not a big deal, but he also did this for safety concerns -  a load of people in a soundproof  space, with no windows means you need a proper fire alarm  system. But apparently, nope, not needed.

He continued to reject every minimum requirement I laid down, from electrical conduits to ceiling height to room layout. I  requested  a properly detailed plan with real measurements, and he sent me a sketch done in Microsoft paint. At one point I asked for the specification of the floor slab. His response?

Client: Yes, there will be one. 

After a week of this, the client asked me to produce a highly detailed cost breakdown for the job, even though he still hadn't given me all the specifications. The most detailed breakdown I can give is '$0,' because I'm not doing it. 

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Helping

I just received an email from a local community group I'm volunteering my design/web skills to:

Client: Can you send me a version of the logo that I can resize and use for different things please. Maybe as a word document.

 

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