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SUBMIT STORY

Just use these three screen shots….

Client: I would like you to fix a video we had someone else do.

Me: Sure thing. Do you have the work files?

Client: Yes, and I have a new script and want a completely new voice over.

Me: OK, that sounds like a completely new video...

Client: No it's still the same, just a few things added, just re-use the same artwork.

Me: I found one problem, there is at least a minute's worth of new dialogue added at the beginning. Do you have artwork to cover that space as well?

Client: Yes, use these three screenshots.

Me: aren't you afraid the three screenshots might be too little for the amount of new dialogue?

Client: Just try, I'm sure it will work if you space it out nicely.

Me: OK...

I finished the video and sent it to the client.

Client: What is this, it looks terrible, the second half is fine, but the beginning bit just has three screenshots stretched across a minute's worth of audio.

Me: .....

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Not at Our Company

I worked at a company that designed products and wrote books for the arts and crafts industry. One of my first assignments was to design a line of stickers that fit on bottle caps. I did a sheet of cartoonish faces, with several skin tones, to make the sheet inclusive.

While reviewing the product line, my boss made a face at the sticker faces sheet.

Me: Are they too silly?

Client: No, they just all need to be this color.

She pointed to the lightest skin tone.

Me: I was hoping to make this set inclusive, so all kinds of kids would see themselves reflected in them.

She wrinkled her nose, and said that our customers were mostly white, so our products should be white. Yikes.

I made the corrections, and started noticing that this happened a lot. Photos in our books? White people only. Hand shots? White hands only. Image collections? White faces only.

At the last trade show I did with the company, a long-time customer came up to me, and asked if we had any products that looked like her. She was an older black woman who walked with a cane, so I asked her to be more specific. She indicated her face, and I quietly said "Not at our company. Probably not ever at our company."

I quit shortly afterwards, started my own company, and one of the first things I produced was an image collection of black faces, named after that customer.

Yikes! What's the most problematic thing a client has ever asked for?
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Asian eyes

Me: We don’t have images to represent people from China.

Client: Just use an image with slanted eyes people, they all look the same.

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Accept payment in stock.. or else.

I work as a freelance sales trainer, I have a track record going back over ten years and clients that use me over and over for training new sales people.  I charge a set fee for the training and then a percentage of the sales achieved by the person over the next two years.  

Last year I was approached by a start-up I had never heard off who asked me to meet with them. 

Client: I won't pay cash, but I can pay in stock in the new company.

Me: Well I'm sorry, but if that's the case this meeting is over. That's a red-line for me.

The CEO physically stopped me leaving the room and said if I didn't reconsider there "would be trouble".  His head of sales said, "You better listen."  I'm a former Royal Marine and pushed him to the ground, and left the room.

He later called the Police and reported me for assault.  The Police laughed when I told them the story. 

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You did what I want but you’ve not done anything

I had a client who wanted a social media strategy so we have a few conversations & worked on one accordingly. She responded with a huge essay lecturing me telling me she has a strategy & just wants a list of action points which I will execute... I should have seen the red flags then, but I persevered putting it down to a miscommunication. We agreed action points & I cracked on.

Action points included posting on social, & doing paid ads.

I go to post on her social accounts, which she gave me access to when we agreed the action points, & I discovered she'd removed my access. I reach out to her to rectify & she tells me she has trust issues & because I hadn't posted in 12 hours (overnight since we spoke) she revoked access. This continued to happen intermittently & I then received another lengthy email this time lecturing me about how I am not posting on social as agreed... 

I also created paid ads with which performed incredibly well, achieving the 2 goals we agreed. She toldme they're targeting the wrong locations (they weren't) & no-one had seen them (reach had surpassed the target & then some). 

As well as all of this she sent me up to 47 emails a day, demanding a response to each, & then texted me to say she didn't think I was doing anything.

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Enhance

It's probably happened a million times, but I can't get over the silliness of this request.

Me: Hey, the image you've sent me is far too small and pixelated. Could you resend a higher resolution one? 

Client: Can't you just enhance it?

What is this? CSI: Freelancer? 

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Status update: same as it was 45 mins ago…

I recently took on some contract work for an agency who desperately needed help because their projects were falling behind. They needed me to bring their research materials up to speed and get them ready for imminent usability testing. 

Shortly after I started, I received all the repeating invites for status update calls — group video calls purely for the purpose of updating different groups of colleagues on your progress.

These meetings alone took up 8 hours per week. 

I wonder why their employees didn’t have time to do the work... 

Sometimes, working on contract is a stunning view to corporate dysfunction - what's the most ridiculous company culture you've ever observed?
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It’s not rebranding, it’s a “refresh.”

Client: I want to revamp the logo for my catering consulting firm.

For what it's worth, the client was the child of a Michelin star restaurant in NYC.

Me: Sure! Let me send you a questionnaire to assess your needs.

Client: I responded your questionnaire and want to send you examples of the styles I like. But before you start, could you tell me what I’d be looking to spend. I’ve been closed for a year and need to be prudent.

Me: Based on your responses, we’re looking at a full rebranding package with a timeline of 4-5 months. You’re looking to be spending about $X but I am open to negotiating with you. 

Client: No, it's not a rebranding. It's just refreshing and changing the look for a bit of a renaissance from COVID. I'm emailing you my ideas now. Just try to spend minimal time on this so I can afford your services. 

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PDF Flyer

A client asked me to design him a banner with some information about his business. Since “banner” is a very ambiguous term, and he didn’t give me any size information yet, I first asked him if he was referring to something like a printed vinyl banner, or a website banner.

Client: A PDF flyer.

Ah, so the kind of banner that’s not a banner at all.

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