Client: So this video on our website does not load on my phone, or my co-worker's phone. We're both using Microsoft Edge. Can you fix this?
Me: Try using literally any other browser than Edge.
Like all the people working with computers, I too was mistaken to someone who knows absolutely everything and can do absolutely anything.
I don’t mind learning new things, so when I worked for this client who built store furniture, I was asked to create 3D models, Build a 3D shopping app with a video game engine, and later on, create the company’s website from scratch.
All this while already working on other projects that were already part of my job.
I was working alone on all of this, since everybody else, well, built furniture.
They hired a digital PR. To this day I have no idea what she did, but she insisted the website just had to be done in WordPress… meaning I had to redo everything and create a custom-made theme that matched the work I’d already done even though I’d never touched WordPress before.
One day I heard they’re doing a big opening gala to exhibit all the projects I’ve been working on, to show how digital they are. I was waiting for the invitation till the day of the gala. It never arrived. The client didn’t even come to talk to me about it.
On the same day (it was about noon) I went to ask him when to come, and he said I wasn’t invited (again, to exhibit all the projects I alone was working on).
Me: Why am I not invited? I’m the only reason you have a digital presence at all.
Client: Honestly, I find it weird you haven’t been able to finish them all up until now. It’s been almost a year!
Me: …I’m sick. I have to go home.
I quit the following day.
Client: You can’t leave us like this! At least finish the website.
It was the worst website I will ever make. All WordPress templates were basically baked-in HTML code for each page.
It's 2019 and that means you've at least thought about having a New Year's resolution! How does working more efficiently and freeing up two of your hours a day strike you?
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I am a freelance digital marketing consultant and I charge by the hour, sending a monthly invoice at the end of the month so my clients can call me only when necessary and spend less. I was working with a new client who wasn’t used to this arrangement.
Client: Can you give me a quote? I need to invoice my client and your time will be a part of that.
Me: I don’t do quotes, especially for new clients, because I really don’t know how often you’ll need me and my services. It can vary a lot from client to client and month to month.
She insisted. I calculated something up, trying to be cheap, so she wouldn’t be scared away.
She then proceeded to book me for meetings with her clients. They were short so I didn’t charge her anything for them, but it was still unpaid time. That would have been fine, but:
Client: (out of the blue) Can you remove 50 euros from your quote?
I asked around – she’d done this with all her collaborators. They’d all accepted but I decided this wasn’t acceptable – it was time she learned that some people actually do have a spine. I refused to lower my (already low) quote.
Client: I’m sorry you don’t want to work with us anymore.
I responded with what I think was the wisest and most courteous path forward possible.
Me: Please remove my contact number from your cell phone.
This series of emails I just got from a client is a reminder of why I don’t work in offices on-site anymore. I think the stupidity in this speaks for itself.
Client: I’m sorry about that file we just sent you. We designed it and sent it and CMYK I’m not sure how it got converted to RGB. Unfortunately, I just left the office to go to lunch I'll be back in about 45 minutes or so I guess I could send it back to you directly to you. I think our client saved it and then sent it on to their department and then to you so something had to have got lost in the translation.
Client: Cancel the 45 minutes note above, I sent a voice text to our communications department and she will send to you directly in a few minutes. Not sure why that’s happening we are very familiar with RGB and CMYK and when each are needed it seems to be either an email setting issue or Adobe export issue. This client is the only person it happens with and we’re not sure.
I checked the file and it was in CMYK. It appears everyone was melting down for no reason.
Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to brew a cup of coffee in my own kitchen and enjoy the calm of remote work.
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I’m a freelance website developer that is currently working with a very nice older client, who unfortunately knows nothing about using a computer.
Client: Help! I’m trying to add an image to my updated About page, but the image won’t load. What should I do?
Me: Can you send me the image so I can take a look at it?
Client sends me a Word document.
Me: That’s a Word document, not an image. Are you trying to add one of these images in the document or do you want to add the document as a PDF?
Client: Oh, it won’t just convert the document to an image if I put it on the site?
I can't decide if this is more adorable or annoying.
A potential client approached me to work on her video. I say “potential” because she was seeking my services but wasn’t ready to accept the reality of how much visual effects services cost. Still, before we agreed to anything she sent me a script.
Client: Did you get the script?
Me: Yes I did.
Client: Since you are applying for this job, can you send me some samples of how you would design the character? That way I can look at your character designs and consider you for the position.
Me: I didn't apply to this job. You came to me. You saw my professional credentials and my portfolio and asked if I would be willing to contribute to your project. And no, I will not design anything until we have an official agreement. Also, I'm swamped with work and don't think I can take this on at the moment.
Client: So…. You’re not going to design anything for free?
There aren't enough facepalms in the world...