Clients from Hell

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April 19, 2014

Client: Why is my website green? You know that isn’t the color of my brand.

Me: I’m not sure what you mean. There’s no green anywhere on your site.

Client: Not on my website. The Website itself.

Me:

Client: On Google. When I search my company the website name is green. It has to be brown. Same goes for the blue link. That has to change as well.

April 07, 2014

Client: Can you build me a website?

Me: Sure, but I’ll need a week to finish my current job.

We come to an agreement and we decide to put it on WordPress.

Me: Just a heads up that I’ve started work on the site.

Client: WordPress isn’t secure, so we’re going to use a different platform.

Me: Er - okay. What do you want to use instead?

Three days pass and I hear nothing back.

Me: Hey, just checking in regarding the website project. Where are we at? Did you decide what platform you want to use?

Client: WordPress is fine. How’s it coming along?

Me: I had to stop work when you told me you didn’t want to use WordPress. But now that you changed your mind back, I can get back to it.

Client: Look, I feel like you’re giving us the runaround. I went to school for computers, I know what’s up. It’s been three days and you have nothing to show for it. We’re going to cancel our agreement. 

April 02, 2014

Client: Hey, while I have you here, this website I’m trying to get to keeps giving me an error. Do you know how to fix it?

Me: Sorry, that’s an issue that the people who maintain that website would have to deal with. You can try reporting the problem to them using their Contact link.

Client: I don’t see why you just can’t you just hack into it and fix the problem. I thought you were supposed to be this great computer guy.

April 01, 2014

I asked a client for feedback on a preview of their website we’re developing. The feedback I get is photos of print-outs from the website, with barely visible comments made with in pencil, in bad handwriting. The photos were taken upside down with a phone.

After asking about this method, it turns out this head of IT - my client - doesn’t know how to take a screenshot.

March 26, 2014

Me: Based on your usage stats, it’s viable to either make the site responsive or to do a mobile version.

Client: Perfect! But does that mean I can access the site from my iPhone?
Me: Of course.
Three weeks later, after project completion…

Client: Why is the website nowhere to be found in the AppStore?

March 04, 2014

Me: I sent an email with some proposed pictures for your website. Which of the images do you like?

Client: I like the second and third one.

Me: Sometimes the order of the images can’t be relied on when viewing emails. Can you tell me the filenames of the images that you liked?

Client: Yes. Both are called 115KB.

February 28, 2014

I was put in contact with a guy with a big job for me; I pitched and got the work.

It was a site redesign: I had to set-up the CMS on my own servers for testing then migrate it all over to the production server.

I’ll admit my boundaries weren’t great during the testing phase; he would come to me with different suggestions for doing functionality which I helped out with (it was a big job, but it was early in my career, and I hoped it would give me a lot of exposure).

When it came time to migrate, we had immediate issues. The site worked fine on my servers, but collapsed horribly on theirs.

After a week of trying to get the system to work, culminating in an extremely rude email from my contact, a friend and I got into the code of the site to look at what was going on. An hour later, we had our answer.

They had over 20,000 tags.

Once the tags were deleted, suddenly the site came back up again.

All told, I ended up getting around $5 an hour for the job.

February 14, 2014
"Right, so how do I email the internet to the printer?"
February 11, 2014

I emailed my client an interactive PDF.

Client: I love the flyer you sent! It’s clicky

Me: Great! So we’re done now?

Client: No. When I print out the flyer, the links aren’t clicky. Can you make them clicky?

Me: I don’t understand. 

Client: I want to be able to go to our website … when … um, when I …

Me: You do know that a piece of paper can’t be interactive, right?

February 06, 2014

Client: You told me the site was updated, but you lied, it’s not. FIX IT ASAP!

Me: It is updated. See the attached screenshot - that is my current view.

Client: You did that in Photoshop or something. It’s not updated.

Me: Have you hit refresh? Or tried emptying your disk cache?

Client: I don’t know how to do that.

Me: Just Google “empty disk cache” for the name of your system and browser you are using.

Client: If I knew how to use Google, then what the hell would I need a web designer for!?