Client: I want to do this thing on my Facebook page.
Me: Unfortunately, we can’t do that anymore. Facebook has removed some of the features we’d need to make that happen.
Client: But the article says I can.
Me: The article was published in 2011, and Facebook has made changes since then.
Client: Okay, so build me a new Facebook that can do that.
Me: None of the (300) people that like your page would sign up for a new service for just your store’s page.
Client: I’ll make them sign up. What’s the cost?
I quoted an exorbitant amount of money.
Client: Would you accept a share of the profits?
Me: No.
Client: But it would be very popular.
Me: No.
Client: Oh. Well, can you just put a new picture on my page instead then?
A client of ours was sharing one of our latest productions with their team leaders. The video was a huge success, and everyone had great things to say— except for one team leader who had an issue with a line in the piece.
In the video, an interviewee says, “We are giving kids a shot at the American Dream!”
Client: I just don’t like that like. It’s so violent— a shot at the American Dream? I am against guns, and when I heard that line, it just made me recoil due to the poor word choice.
Me: Don’t guns recoil?
Client’s Assistant: Don’t use the word ‘restaurant’, we don’t like that word.”
Me: What’s your bosses business in again?
Client’s Assistant: He manages a bunch of restaurants.
We run a small illustration company and were hired to work on a one-off children’s book. The project was a disaster from start to finish. After turning in the spec art for the parents that would appear in the book…
Client: This dad is too handsome. We need more of an everyman. More like Edward Norton. We like the mom though. Let’s keep her pretty.
Me: Okay. We can revise the father’s face and send you new specs this weekend.
We sent the revised work and received this reply:
Client: We think he’s not handsome enough.
Me: But you specifically asked us to make him less handsome.
Client: But how would he get a wife who’s so hot?
Me: Would you like us to go back to the original?
Client: He should match the attractiveness of the wife. Why don’t you just make him look like me?
"The peeing pup is almost 100% - but he should be looking down, and more back, towards his own dick."
—
Feedback for the header of a website about the war on terrorism.
Editor’s Note: My kingdom for a link to this website.
"Please keep a note of the RGB values so I can replicate the design in MS Paint."
Client: You see there, where the text is black on white?
Me: Yep.
Client: Could we increase the contrast there?
Me: No.
Client: Just a little?
Me: No.
I told my client I would be at my step-mother’s funeral for the day and would be completely unreachable by any form of communication until tomorrow.
Client: (email) I really need your help! I can’t open the file you sent me.
Client: (text) Did you get my email? I need you to resend me that file NOW.
Client: (voicemail) You are being completely unprofessional and ridiculous! I can’t believe you are ignoring my frantic pleas for help!! You can bet your sorry ass that I’ll remember how unhelpful and unprofessional you are being.
Client: (text) AMBER! (not my name) CALL ME NOW!!
I was hired to design a brochure for a new type of engine. The client asked to meet 6am on a Sunday morning to finalize the design. He was insistent that I be prepared to work for the rest of the day.
I arrived at his office and opened a .pdf of the brochure. The client looked at it for a moment.
Client: Looks good, just…
He waves his hand over the monitor.
Client: Clean it up.
He then left the room.
A local shop hired me to create a website for them. After agreements were made, I asked if they wanted anything in particular, which they answered by directing me to a competitor’s site and saying “Something like that, but prettier.”
I created a template, which they approved, and sent them copies. They paid the first half of the fee, and work started.
Two months later, I finish the job, upload the work and email the client asking them to check that it’s all up to standard.
I receive a phone call the next day. The client asked to meet me because there were things “they didn’t like”.
During the meeting, I get a lot of criticism that the website looked like nothing like they wanted. I pull up the template and show them that it is exactly identical to the one I had shown them.
Immediately they pull up the competitor’s site, which had just changed the weekend before.
Client: It looks nothing like this! Start over!
