I was building a website for a funeral home, and one of the sample screenshots was on an unclosed tab on my computer.
My next client was a spiritualist, who happened to see the picture. She grabbed her materials and ran out the door. She said there was “bad energy” on my PC from the funeral home website.
Client: I need to get some postcards designed promoting a new luxury brand we a representing, but it will be a tight turnaround.
Me: Sure thing, send me the assets, I’ll get started today.
Client: We don’t have anything yet. It’s not been finalized - but just use this image attached.
Me: That’s a thumbnail image, it’s only 1cm wide at 72 dpi. We can’t print that.
Client: Don’t you have some tricks to make it bigger?
Me: No. Sorry. It’s just far too small I don’t think this is a good idea for a luxury brand.
Client: It’s all we have, just use it
Me: OK, but it’s not going to look any good. Here’s a proof. If you print it out, you’ll see what I mean.
Client: It looks fine to me.
Me: Did you print it?
Client: Yes, I looked at it in Acrobat. Please send me the print file, this needs to go to print tonight.
I know who these people use for printing and contacted them. They told me they also mentioned to the client that the image was shit.
Regardless, a few days later…
Client: I’m really unhappy with the postcards. The quality was substandard, and it reflects badly on us and on you.
I sent the client the transcripts from our previous emails, with my warning’s highlighted.
I was working on an English-language multimedia project for an IT-security company based in Russia.
The UK-based client representative (an Englishman from London) and I were in the room together.
Client: Did you make sure that video ends with the English title card?
Me: Yes, I reviewed it already. It ends with the English title card.
Client: Are you sure?
Me: Yes
Client: Play it.
I play the video, which ends and freezes on the English title card.
The client, who is English, speaks English eloquently, then asked me the following question (in English) while staring at the monitor.
Client: Is it in English?
Me: …Yes.
Client: Are you sure?
I look at the monitor, the client, and then back to the monitor
Me: I am absolutely positive.
Client: Okay, I just wanted to make sure it wasn’t in Russian.
Me: I see you mentioned you have very specific skill requirements for winning this bid. Could you elaborate on that?
Client: The winning designer must be very well versed in Magneto or other top brand e-commerce programs. We will be wanting payments online and Magneto or comparable program is the most important item.
Me: (stifling a laugh) Personally, I’ve always preferred Professor X. They’re equally matched, in my opinion.
Client: Oh, uh, okay, sounds good. I’ve heard great things about Professor X.
This guy had a knack for creative pronunciation, to put it politely. Some other gems were V3, Wordpunch, mySQUEAL (how he pronounced it), and jabascript.
After he submitted his design mockups to me in Excel, I passed on the project.
— Client feedback on their new website.
I work in a design firm with three other designers (and a single phone line).
Client: I need to speak to Howard, it’s urgent.
Me: I’m sorry, Howard doesn’t work Friday afternoons, can I -
Client: Well how the f—k am I supposed to know what day it is!?
He punctuated this question by hanging up the phone.
I was creating a program for a fitness show with seminars featuring twelve speakers. One of the speakers had no headshot. I told the client that I would have to leave the spot blank even though it would look a little out of place. Instead, she wanted a “generic” head shot put in. I told her I didn’t have a generic head shot.
Client: Just use anybody’s!
I went home for lunch and grabbed my copy of Helter Skelter. She proofs the program to see Susan Atkin’s picture in the previously blank spot.
Client: Oh I love it! That wasn’t so hard was it?
Me: Oh no! Not at all!
Editor’s Note: Sort of seems like the speaker is getting the worst part of this deal.
Client: I need a time frame on when you can get this book done. The printer wants to know.
Me: Yes, the printer has also contacted me. I let him know that I am waiting on additional content from you and when I get that, I could get a better timeframe. Hopefully by next week - I am just waiting on the pictures.
Client: Have you made the text changes yet? We really need to get this to the printer.
Me: Yes, the text changes have been made, I am still waiting on the additional pics that you wanted to add before it goes to the printer.
Client: There is also another addition we wanted to make to the Culture section, you should know this by now.
Me: Yes, I do know, but I can’t add it if I don’t have the copy to add. Please send the pictures and the additional copy so I can add it.
Client: Look, if you can’t get this done, why don’t you just say so?
Me: I can, but I need those materials from you first.
Client: And when will you be getting those?
Me: …
Me: Your username is your first name. Your password is your last name followed by the number 13, then an exclamation mark.
Client: It doesn’t work.
Me: Strange, it should be xxxxx13!
Client: Nope, doesn’t work.
I login successfully, so we arrange a GoToMeeting so I can see what that problem is.
Me: Looks like you didn’t add the exclamation mark when typing the password.
Client: Oh, I didn’t think that was part of the password.
Me: Well, I wasn’t shouting it.
— Client revisions for a videogame. These are digital balloons they’re referring to.
