Clients from Hell

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May 15, 2013

One of my clients is a “fashion designer/interior decorator/restaurant owner” who, at first, wanted me to create a job description which would fit all of the above “in one word”.

After deciding that it simply couldn’t be done, we proceed to the real work. While making the website visual prototype…

Client: I have a simple but groundbreaking idea. I don’t know how nobody has thought of it until now.

Me: Awesome! What you need?

Client: I can’t tell you. Just make half of the site area a rectangular blank space. I’ll fill it later.

Me: I strongly suggest we work together on this.

Client: If I tell you, you will steal my idea.

Me: But what do you want me to do then?

Client: It’s very simple. I need you to teach me your work. When I’m done, I’ll publish it myself.

Me: That’s not going to happen.

After hours spent explaining that any original ideas provided by the client are bound to confidentiality via our contract…

Client: Ok, I’ll tell you, but I need complete silence about it until it’s done, okay?

Me: Sure.

Client: It’s very simple. I need my clients to able to see how they are going to be on the dresses I make, online.

Me: Well, I’m afraid it has be done before, but that just means it’s easier for us. I can do a sketch model appear online so that the client can imagine themselves in your dresses.

Client: No, I want them to literally see themselves.

Me: A user can upload a headshot, but it probably won’t look that great in the end.

Client: NO NO NO. I told you. It’s very simple. You just have to program part of the monitor to be a mirror.

May 08, 2013
"What is this on my site!? I’m based in England, not Latvia. Get this latina off!"

The best Lorem Ipsum quote we’ve ever received. 

May 07, 2013

Meet one of the clients from the town in Footloose

I make a living as a musician, but I supplement my (inconsistent) freelancing by working on-call at a place that offers group piano and pre-piano lessons, primarily with children around Kindergarten age.

The mother of one of the kids in my class pulled aside my boss within earshot of me.

Client: I don’t like the new teacher. He’s just too tall to be dealing with kids.  

She leaned in closer.

Client: And his hair is too long.

May 05, 2013

Lookie here, a client who feels entitled

Client: I registered blaketheelevatorgriffin.com. I need to sell this thing and make some money.

Me: Have you heard from anyone expressing interest in making a purchase?

Client: Nah. But I did a Google search for Blake The Elevator Griffin and got over 30 million hits. I feel like I’m entitled to at least a dollar a hit.

May 04, 2013

Client: Should I send the logo as jpg or jpeg?

Me: Send it wtf.

Client: What’s that?

Me: I’m joking with you, send it as a png.

Client: Nice try, but I’m not that stupid. 

April 25, 2013

I am being subcontracted by a company to produce an environmental flyer for their client. The client asked me report directly to them because he has been unhappy with some of the company’s work to date.

The company was a bit slow with written content, but the deadline was looming fast, I created an illustrator file with everything set up. All their designer had to do was drop the text in. I emailed to the head of the company, their client and their designer.

The next morning I get an angry call from the client.

Client: What the hell happened to the flyer?

Me: Erm… you saw the proof and you told me liked it?

Client: Yeah, I liked that one, but this new one is horrible!

Me: What new one?

Client: The one that [the company] sent over this morning!

He sent me the new proof, and it’s been drastically changed. Shocked, I call the boss at the company.

Me: What happened to the design I sent over? The client was happy with the design, why did you change it?

Company Boss: Well, my mom saw the design and she didn’t like it, so she got [designer] to change it.

Why the client didn’t like working through this company, I have no idea. 

April 24, 2013

I work for a university. I was editing a promotional video and had just sent them a version to review.

Client: This looks pretty good. But you need to change the font to the official university font.

Me: I thought the university font was Futura. That’s what I used.

Client: No. I don’t remember what it was called but if you check the hard drive, there should be a folder named ‘University Font’. It’s in there.

I find the folder and, sure enough, the font is Futura. So I just resend them the same video file

Client: Oh, yes, that’s much better.

April 11, 2013

About a year ago I was doing a bit of freelance writing for an online sports publication. The secretary emailed me a few just as I was heading out, so I replied as quickly as I could, apologizing in the email itself for the rushed nature of my correspondence.

I get a telephone call from the angry editor an hour later:

Client: (secretary) has had to go on home early thanks to you! What’s your problem?

Me: I’m sorry…what?

Client: I see you don’t take that of tone with me.

After a bizarre grilling from the editor, it turns out as I’d written my email in caps (it wasn’t phrased rudely at all - I was quite friendly with the secretary) the secretary had thought I was “shouting” at her through the computer and had gotten upset.

My apologies  and explanations were in vain and I did no more work for that publication.

April 10, 2013

Me: I’m pretty much ready to start the design of the presentation - I’m just missing the text for each slide. When can I expect it?
Client: Actually we didn’t have time to write anything down, so if you can just come up with something, it would be great.

One week later…

Client: The presentation is great, but the text is all wrong. In the future, take the time to get the text from us before finishing. 

March 31, 2013
"i know you know what time it is, bro! i lost my log in info to the web page again"

No joke, he spilled Red Bull on his Macbook containing the information.