Clients from Hell

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April 13, 2014

Client: We need to delete a post from a month ago on Facebook.

Me: Okay. Was there a problem? You’ve approved all of the Facebook posts a month prior before they go live.

Client: Yes, you posted a website that isn’t ours.

Me: Yes sir, I was citing the source that we took the information from. Like I said, it was approved prior. Plus, this was from a month ago, I’m not sure if it’s relevant anymore. I can make you an admin to the page if you would like to take over and delete any posts you don’t like now.

Client: I don’t have time to deal with that. Who looks at Facebook anyway?

Uh, you. 

Editor’s note: the last article I read on the issue put the number of Facebook users past 1 billion. FYI. 

April 12, 2014

For context, this all occurred on a Friday. We were finalizing the specs for a website.

Me: Okay, that all sounds good. We can have the new site completed in two weeks.

Client: But I have an ad campaign with thousands of dollars behind it starting next Monday! You absolutely have to have it done by then!

This was the first time my client had informed me of this. 

April 03, 2014

I’m transcribing some audio to text.

Client: It’s taken you over an hour to do the first hour - can’t you do it any faster?

Me: No, I have to listen to it several times while pausing, rewinding and replaying to check what I’m typing matches what I’m hearing.

Client: Surely you can type all that in less than an hour?

March 26, 2014

I just finished editing a 30-second commercial spot.

Client: Great, now upload it to the FTP.

Me:  Sure, it should be there in about an hour.

Client: An hour!?  It’s a 30 second spot!

Me: I need to render everything, then export the file, then compress the file (from 7GB to 100MB), then upload it. It might take less than an hour, but we should budget an hour to be safe.

Client: I thought it would take 30 seconds! It’s only 30 seconds long! I told the customer we’d have the ad ready in 5 minutes.

Me:  Why did you tell them that?

Client: Because it should only take a minute! I was giving you an extra four!

March 21, 2014

Client: This has to be sized exactly.

Me: Of course, what are the measurements?

Client: I don’t have them, just go ahead and start the design. But try to be very approximate.

March 15, 2014

Client: We would like you to run this project. It will be cheaper that way.

Me: Alone? 

Client: Will that be a problem? 

Me: Sir, this is a two-year project, full-time, for at least three people. It spans two continents and hundreds of teams.

Client: That’s another thing – we would like you put in no more than four hours a week on this. We don’t want to rush.

I did some math. That’s roughly 12,000 man-hours, split into four hours a week for a single person, which means the project will be complete in about 6,000 weeks, or in 120 years. Best of luck with that.

March 14, 2014
"It’s too expensive for me. Can you lend me your equipment so my cousin can shoot the catalogue? He once took a summer course on photography."
March 12, 2014
"I just received your email and the layout looks great, but can you change the subject line on the email you sent to me and resend it? I need to forward this to the customer, but the name of the project has changed. Thanks!"

I’m building a website for a client, who sends me six different Microsoft Word documents, one for each page of the site.

Me: Here’s a preview of the design I’ve worked up based off our consultation.

Client: This is nice, but it’s nothing like what I sent you. I want it to look just like the Word documents.

Me: But the Word documents are just a few tables with colored backgrounds. You even used text emoticons for navigational icons.

Client: Yes, that’s what I want. An exact copy. Just transfer it into a website.

Me: It’s unwise to build a website design based exactly off something made in a word processor.

Client: What’s there to design? I’ve already designed everything!

Three days later…

Client: Please find attached six PowerPoint files…

March 09, 2014

Client: With the new website and my marketing plan, we should be able to double our turnover.

Me: That’s great! Can you send me the marketing plan before I start on the website?

Client: Actually, I was hoping you could write that.