Clients from Hell

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August 13, 2014

Client: I’m forming a new company and I need logo by tomorrow to have signage printed.

Me: Wow. Okay. What’s the company name?

Client: Still in talks. Just need a design finalized immediately and we will decide later. Thanks.

August 10, 2014
"Google ranking shouldn’t be a problem, I’m on speaking terms with Martin Cutts."

— Editor’s note: I had to Google who that was

August 08, 2014

My client was a grocery store chain. I showed them a photograph of a cross-section of a cantaloupe.

Client: But we’re selling whole cantaloupes, not half ones.

Me: Okay, then we’ll need to shoot a whole cantaloupe.

Client: That’s ridiculous, just turn the photo around and show the other side.

August 05, 2014

A client was dragging his feet on getting me the content necessary to launch his website. He told me he wanted to cancel our contract because he wasn’t getting the results he wanted from his website.

I emailed him back to explain that the website won’t start producing “results” until it is — you know — LAUNCHED.

I further explained that it isn’t launched until it is complete with his content that I still don’t have.

It will be interesting to receive his reply.

August 03, 2014

A client couldn’t understand why I could not take their low resolution and full color jpeg logo couldn’t be enlarged, converted to black and white, and made into a 9” x 9” screen print.

I explained that I would need a vector file - or the time to recreate their logo in vector format - as the current logo would print out pixelated. Her reply:

Client: Can’t you just take a black crayon and color it in?

July 31, 2014

I worked for a start-up advertising agency who asked me to shoot a mock-up ad for a prospective client. They provided a high-quality studio-made photo as a guide for what they were looking for.

Me: Okay, let me put together a budget for all the equipment I will need. 

Client: Oh we don’t have the budget for that. Can’t you just Photoshop in all the lighting? 

I quit shortly after that. 

July 28, 2014

I’m supposed to be designing a brochure for a client. An aggressive timeline was set months ago. It would allow me two weeks to design a 40-page brochure, get it proofed, get it approved, and get it to print. I was supposed to have all the images and copy prior to that two-week deadline.

When I only received 18 of several dozen images, I requested a meeting. This piece has to be laid out in chronological order, so it was absolutely necessary to have all the resources before I built anything more than my template.

Client: But you’re still on track to complete this project on time, right?

Me: You missed your copy deadline and I’m missing most of the images. Do you know when I will receive the rest of the content and copy?

Client: No, but you can still get it done on time, right?

Me: You don’t know when you are going to get me the rest of the resources, but you still want me to promise I’ll meet the deadline?

Client: Yes.

INCREDIBLE.

July 26, 2014
"I need these words changed. I am sending a picture of the changes so you can just copy and paste them."
July 25, 2014

I was designing a one-page brochure for a client that was supposed to provide the copy. When the copy arrived, it was a four-page Word document. 

Me: Umm, I think you’re going to have to remove some of copy, there’s no way we’ll be able to fit all this text into a one-page brochure.

Client: Are you sure?

Me: I’m absolutely sure!

Client: Okay, we’ll reduce the copy to one page. I’ll send you a new file.

Ten minutes later, an email comes in.

Client: Okay, it was tricky, but we finally got the text to fit.

I open the attachment, and, amazingly, they managed to get the copy down to one page.

Unfortunately, they didn’t remove any - they just used a size 3 font. 

July 20, 2014
"Here’s the information for that article. Also, I was wondering why you haven’t written that article yet."