Clients from Hell

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May 18, 2013

Our company works with thousands of vendors worldwide on time-tracking - the following request came in from one that has been using the system for about eight months.

The clock in and clock out shows in military time. The difference between the in/out is calculated in time based on 60 minutes per hour.  We invoice our time using hours and minutes in military time, which, as I’m sure you know, is based on 100 minutes per hour. Can the website be changed so the clock in and clock out will be based on 100 minutes in an hour?  There are many other companies that invoice using the same method that we do.  

May 12, 2013
"The spinner does not animate. See screenshot.png"
May 07, 2013

Client: I watched the instructional video you prepared and I am able to add and publish a post. How do I get the new post to appear on the navigation menu?

Me: You watched the video from beginning to end?

Client: Yes.

Me: Okay, scroll to 6:30 on it.

Client: Okay.

Me: The title should read How to Make a New Post Appear

Client: Right.

Me: Now finish watching the video.

April 27, 2013

Client: What should I do with this folder?

Me: It’s unnecessary now you’ve copied it to your hard-drive, so you can just delete it.

Client: No, I don’t want to delete it. I just want to get rid of it so it’s not there and it doesn’t take up space anywhere. 

April 26, 2013

A client asked me to write 500 words of copy for each page of his website, which, right off the bat is a lot of copy that no one is going to read, ever. He gave me a deadline of two weeks away and I accepted the assignment and sent a follow-up email asking for details on what exactly it was he wanted me to write about. Two days later….

Client: How is that copy coming? We decided to bump the deadline to this week.

Me: What do you mean you’re moving the deadline up? We agreed on two weeks. I was waiting to hear back from you on what exactly you wanted me to write about.

Client: We want to launch sooner. Just write something and I’ll let you know if it’s what we want.

April 25, 2013

Me: I’m going to need some larger photos for this spread. Fortunately, you can just upload them to this file sharing website.

Client: I tried that and it changed the color of my photos. I don’t want to compromise on quality, so we’ll do it right. I just pasted them all in a word document and emailed them to you.

April 20, 2013

After being hired to design a promotional flyer… 

Me: What size will you want the flyer?

Client: It will only be used online. The same size as the flyer attached should work.

Attached is a web-friendly 72dpi flyer.

After I complete the project via the agreed upon specs…

Client: We are being told that if this flyer goes to a printer, it’ll look like shit. Care to explain?

April 12, 2013

After sending some typography samples for a simple word logo…

Client: Listen, so I’m thinking, if this thing takes off and people are wearing our logo on stuff, it’ll be a pain for customers to have to explain to their friends what that word on their hat means. So maybe we should work with an icon or something, so that when people see it, they have to ask, “what’s that?”

April 07, 2013
"I wish to be offered some sort of discount. The XMAS2012 coupon code you tweeted didn’t work."

Sent March 2013

April 06, 2013

Me: Please send us a high-resolution file of your logo in either an eps. ai. or psd format.

Client: Sure thing!

The client sent a scan from a torn off patch of a worker’s greasy uniform. As a .pdf.