Clients from Hell

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April 21, 2014
"Does this rainbow look gay to you?"

feedback from a children’s daycare website

April 08, 2014
"Can you make the Washington Monument look less phallic?"
April 04, 2014
"As payment, I was thinking dinner at my place."
February 12, 2014

I was designing a female mascot.

Client: I want a mascot that appeals to both male AND female viewers!

I make a motherly figure.

Client: …. Obviously, she’s too fat. Can you make her look like a blonde Wonder Woman?

Against my better judgement, I do.

Client: Make her breasts bigger too! And let’s make those daisy dukes, and we’ll have her holding a shotgun!

November 07, 2013
"Nothing personal, but I don’t think you should be involved with the budgeting/financial part of it at all. Because you’re a designer. And a female. But that’s okay! There’s nothing wrong with being a female or a graphic designer."
October 09, 2013

I was editing a promo video for a race car website that featured shots of cars zooming around, drifting, splashing water, etc. 

The largest production piece was a big race to the finish line, so I used a shot of the checkered flag to end the video before dissolving to the logo.

Client:  I don’t know, do you think ending with the checkered flag is too gay?

Me: Um…

Client: I mean, if it’s too gay we shouldn’t use it.

Me: I don’t think it’s too gay.

Client: But it’s the obvious choice, right? Despite being gay?

Me: I…

Client: Not that I have anything against gay people… wait, you’re not gay, are you? I guess you’d know best if you are. 

August 16, 2013
"This company is growing like a gangbang!"
July 26, 2013

I was listening to the client thoughts on a few finalized TV spots via a conference call. The scripts were approved a month earlier and a member of the client’s staff was on-set during the shoot.

Client: I don’t know. I don’t really want to bring this up…

Me: What? 

Client: Well, there’s just something about two guys standing at a bank counter…

Me: What?

Client: Gay

Me: Two guys standing at a bank counter seems gay to you?

Client: Yeah. 

Me: I don’t see that.

Client: Well [as if this is a perfectly logical statement] you’re from the city, though. We’re from a smaller town. Of course you don’t see that.

July 24, 2013
"Oh no! Not this photo! That lady is the iStock whore!"
June 04, 2013

Client: I don’t know, none of these concepts say breast cancer to me.

Me: What do you mean?

Client: Well there’s nothing in them that lets me know that they’re ads for breast cancer. So they all seem pretty vague.

Me: Well the headline says the treatment is for breast cancer.  Are you not satisfied with the images?

Client: Yeah.  Like, there are no breasts in the concept.  And there’s nothing pink.

Me: Is that really necessary for a breast cancer campaign?

Client: Oh no.

Me: Then –

Client: But it is necessary for a campaign aimed at women