Clients from Hell

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April 18, 2014

One of my other clients referred this one to me.

Client: Do you think we can meet?

Me: Sure, I’m available after 6:00pm.

Client: Okay, come by to my house at 5:00pm.

For the record, he lives over an hour away.

Me: I said I’m available after 6:00pm.

Client: Okay, well, why don’t you come to my house at 5:00pm, and then I’ll drive you home.

At this point the whole “come to my house” thing started sounding a little weird to me.

Me: I think we better meet at a middle point, let’s say the coffee shop around the subway station. It’ll have to be after 6:00pm.

Client: Okay, sounds good. I’ll pick you up at the coffee shop and we can come to my house.

Me: Sorry, but I have to ask - why do you want me to come to your house?

Client: … I’ll call you next week to set another meeting.

The client never called me or emailed me again.

January 10, 2014

Client: We like the animation, but we’re afraid that the female character may make it seem like we’re talking down to women. Could you make it a male character?  A male who is goofy but loveable.

Me: Aren’t you afraid that you will be making fun of men?

Client: No, only women seem to ever get offended

December 17, 2013

Client: I need it to arouse the customer’s attention.

Me: To be clear, when you say arouse the customer’s attention -

Client: I mean, if they got an erection, the ad is doing its job.

Me: Got it. 

December 15, 2013

I was hired to make a logo for a client’s new fashion label. He always wanted to meet at a place that didn’t have valet parking because his car was “too precious” to leave it in hands of someone else. 

I repeatedly met him at a mall. He had me do extra work for his label, but when he collected all of my work, he didn’t pay me for the extra things I did.
Then he refused to pay me for the logo until I accepted to go out with him. I hesitated at first, because I really needed the money, but I firmly said no. He then rescinded his original offer and suggested I would get 50% before the date and then 50% after the date. I obviously said no again*, and told him to keep the money. 

After some days, he felt bad for what he did and told me he could only pay me in cash. I saw him, he paid me, and just after handing me the money, he tried to kiss me. He then followed me to my car. 

December 03, 2013
"Please change/alter the photo of the woman holding her breast with the man behind her. I actually like this picture, the only thing I don’t like is that it look kind of porn-ish. It looks like he’s doin’ a tit grab from behind and about to bang her. Is there any way we can change the “bang each other” look of the photo to something more family friendly? If not, I’m sure you have some family friendly but still breast-grabbing options, right?"

via a submitter who, unfortunately, didn’t include the photo or any indication of what the photo was for 

December 01, 2013
"The stick figure lady is too fat."
November 18, 2013
"Can you twat this out?"
April 02, 2013
"I need all images of my girlfriend taken down online and I need the attached images to be the only thing that shows up when you Google her name. If I overnight you check can you have this done by tomorrow?"
January 22, 2013

NSFW work opportunity

I was finishing up an update session with a client regarding his next-to-finished website. In this client’s (very mild) defence, I do regular work in photography and Photoshop.

Client: But while I have you here, any interest in hearing about a sort of side project?

Me: Of course. 

He then precedes to take out his cell phone and show me some self-taken photos of…

Cilent: Obviously it’s a risqué project, but is there any way you can make my penis look bigger here? 

Editor’s Note: I’ll be very impressed with the bravery of anyone who clicks that link. 

January 01, 2013

I needed a model for a fashion project when I was in Asia. The client wanted a ‘huge name’ to be flown in from America on a minimal budget. I asked what kind of girl he was looking for.

Client: Get me a white porn star.

I think he’s joking and I laugh.

Client: I want Sasha Grey. Do you know her, Sasha Grey? 

Me: Wait, are you serious?

Client: Don’t argue with me. I want her for this project.

Me: I don’t think she’s a good pick for this. There’s this really great girl with Ford Models you should look at, why don’t I show you her portfolio?

Client: No, I want Sasha.

Me: What if she’s out of our budget?

Client: I’ll pay for it. Don’t forget to get her ‘private' f*** rates. Try and get Sunny Leone too.

I left the project.