I was finishing up an update session with a client regarding his next-to-finished website. In this client’s (very mild) defence, I do regular work in photography and Photoshop.
Client: But while I have you here, any interest in hearing about a sort of side project?
Me: Of course.
He then precedes to take out his cell phone and show me some self-taken photos of…
Cilent: Obviously it’s a risqué project, but is there any way you can make my penis look bigger here?
Editor’s Note: I’ll be very impressed with the bravery of anyone who clicks that link.
I needed a model for a fashion project when I was in Asia. The client wanted a ‘huge name’ to be flown in from America on a minimal budget. I asked what kind of girl he was looking for.
Client: Get me a white porn star.
I think he’s joking and I laugh.
Client: I want Sasha Grey. Do you know her, Sasha Grey?
Me: Wait, are you serious?
Client: Don’t argue with me. I want her for this project.
Me: I don’t think she’s a good pick for this. There’s this really great girl with Ford Models you should look at, why don’t I show you her portfolio?
Client: No, I want Sasha.
Me: What if she’s out of our budget?
Client: I’ll pay for it. Don’t forget to get her ‘private’ f*** rates. Try and get Sunny Leone too.
I left the project.
— A client trying to explain that there won’t be any installations at a book-fair kiosk we were designing for them.
I work as a film editor. My client owns an event planning company that mainly deals with parties and concerts. This happened:
Client: This is good, I just can’t believe you let this guy’s a** occupy so much of the frame at 02:22!
Me: Excuse me?
Client: That guys a**! It’s all people will look at!
Me: Would you like me to replace the shot?
Client: No… I like it. But can you make it smaller?
Me: Make what smaller?
Client: That guy’s a**!
Me: I can cut the clip’s duration a little shorter, and add in another clip. Though I would really suggest just replacing it.
Client: No, nevermind. I’ll call him about his a** and we’ll see what we can work out.
— Something either taken out of context, or preluding a sexual harassment suit.
A client wanted 5,000 branded condoms to give out during a welcome-back week at the local university.
Client: I want my logo and website on the condom pack
Me: Why your website? Are you sure the students will be able to read it, let alone be taking note of it while they’re… you know.
Client: Right, don’t put my website on, it’s too big. I always have this problem with condoms!
The client was referring to last year, when he tried to put his 10-digit phone number on the condoms and it didn’t fit.
— A client who runs a bed and breakfast in Napa