Clients from Hell

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July 02, 2014
"I’ve been fumbling with your zip for a while now, but to no avail. Could you please undo it for me so that I can see the beauty behind it?"
May 08, 2014

Me: Your artwork is currently set up using Pantone colors 1815C (Maroon) and 465C (Gold) as embedded in your logo. We print in CMYK, but we can color-match to those colors.

Client: I would prefer to use less angry, non-menstrual colors… but if that’s all you have, then you have my approval.

April 18, 2014

One of my other clients referred this one to me.

Client: Do you think we can meet?

Me: Sure, I’m available after 6:00pm.

Client: Okay, come by to my house at 5:00pm.

For the record, he lives over an hour away.

Me: I said I’m available after 6:00pm.

Client: Okay, well, why don’t you come to my house at 5:00pm, and then I’ll drive you home.

At this point the whole “come to my house” thing started sounding a little weird to me.

Me: I think we better meet at a middle point, let’s say the coffee shop around the subway station. It’ll have to be after 6:00pm.

Client: Okay, sounds good. I’ll pick you up at the coffee shop and we can come to my house.

Me: Sorry, but I have to ask - why do you want me to come to your house?

Client: … I’ll call you next week to set another meeting.

The client never called me or emailed me again.

January 10, 2014

Client: We like the animation, but we’re afraid that the female character may make it seem like we’re talking down to women. Could you make it a male character?  A male who is goofy but loveable.

Me: Aren’t you afraid that you will be making fun of men?

Client: No, only women seem to ever get offended

December 17, 2013

Client: I need it to arouse the customer’s attention.

Me: To be clear, when you say arouse the customer’s attention -

Client: I mean, if they got an erection, the ad is doing its job.

Me: Got it. 

December 15, 2013

I was hired to make a logo for a client’s new fashion label. He always wanted to meet at a place that didn’t have valet parking because his car was “too precious” to leave it in hands of someone else. 

I repeatedly met him at a mall. He had me do extra work for his label, but when he collected all of my work, he didn’t pay me for the extra things I did.
Then he refused to pay me for the logo until I accepted to go out with him. I hesitated at first, because I really needed the money, but I firmly said no. He then rescinded his original offer and suggested I would get 50% before the date and then 50% after the date. I obviously said no again*, and told him to keep the money. 

After some days, he felt bad for what he did and told me he could only pay me in cash. I saw him, he paid me, and just after handing me the money, he tried to kiss me. He then followed me to my car. 

December 03, 2013
"Please change/alter the photo of the woman holding her breast with the man behind her. I actually like this picture, the only thing I don’t like is that it look kind of porn-ish. It looks like he’s doin’ a tit grab from behind and about to bang her. Is there any way we can change the “bang each other” look of the photo to something more family friendly? If not, I’m sure you have some family friendly but still breast-grabbing options, right?"

via a submitter who, unfortunately, didn’t include the photo or any indication of what the photo was for 

December 01, 2013
"The stick figure lady is too fat."
November 18, 2013
"Can you twat this out?"
April 02, 2013
"I need all images of my girlfriend taken down online and I need the attached images to be the only thing that shows up when you Google her name. If I overnight you check can you have this done by tomorrow?"