Clients From Hell

"What’s with this invoice? When it comes down to it, all you did was deal with some words, colours,..."

Wed, 22 May 2013 13:20:05 -0700

“What’s with this invoice? When it comes down to it, all you did was deal with some words, colours, and shapes.”

Me: Did you want it printed in CMYK or RGB? Client: Let’s do RGB, we’re trying to save money. Me:...

Wed, 22 May 2013 10:40:34 -0700

Me: Did you want it printed in CMYK or RGB?

Client: Let’s do RGB, we’re trying to save money.

Me: Trying to save money?

Client: Yeah, three colours should do it. No need to spring for a fourth.

"The sign needs to be a vertical oval, not a horizontal oval like the one you made. But keep the..."

Tue, 21 May 2013 14:09:07 -0700

“The sign needs to be a vertical oval, not a horizontal oval like the one you made. But keep the same dimensions - 18” high by 36” wide.”

"Inform the Googles we’re launching!"

Tue, 21 May 2013 10:40:16 -0700

“Inform the Googles we’re launching!”

Me: Just a heads up, if you log onto our website, you can see that the site is down. My publisher...

Mon, 20 May 2013 13:20:05 -0700

Me: Just a heads up, if you log onto our website, you can see that the site is down. My publisher has been unreliable and I am working as quickly as I can to get the site back up. I’m so sorry for this; I’ll let you know when the article is posted as soon as possible.

Client: Okay. What’s the website again? Sorry.

I give him the URL.

Client: Hey, it says the page is broken!

Me: I just told you it’s down.

Client: I thought you meant it’s DOWN like FRESH! I won’t have this!

"Make the words fly!"

Mon, 20 May 2013 10:40:06 -0700

“Make the words fly!”

"How does someone right-handed left click?"

Sun, 19 May 2013 13:20:23 -0700

“How does someone right-handed left click?”

Client: The site isn’t working right. Me: That’s strange. I download a page and take a look at the...

Sun, 19 May 2013 10:40:10 -0700

Client: The site isn’t working right.

Me: That’s strange.

I download a page and take a look at the code.

Me: It looks like a bunch of the code is missing. Did you have anyone modify the site?

Client: No, nothing like that.

Me: Well there are entire chunks of code missing that was there yesterday.

Client: Oh yeah, that was me, some of the code seemed unnecessary. Back to the issue at hand, why isn’t the site working?

"Dear God, take down the site! Take it down! Hackers can sweep right in, right click, and look at our..."

Sat, 18 May 2013 13:20:15 -0700

“Dear God, take down the site! Take it down! Hackers can sweep right in, right click, and look at our code!”

Our company works with thousands of vendors worldwide on time-tracking - the following request came...

Sat, 18 May 2013 10:40:37 -0700

Our company works with thousands of vendors worldwide on time-tracking - the following request came in from one that has been using the system for about eight months.

The clock in and clock out shows in military time. The difference between the in/out is calculated in time based on 60 minutes per hour. We invoice our time using hours and minutes in military time, which, as I’m sure you know, is based on 100 minutes per hour. Can the website be changed so the clock in and clock out will be based on 100 minutes in an hour? There are many other companies that invoice using the same method that we do.

"The ‘Paste from Word’ button doesn’t work. Do I need to copy from Word first?"

Fri, 17 May 2013 13:20:20 -0700

“The ‘Paste from Word’ button doesn’t work. Do I need to copy from Word first?”

"I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but we’re paying you for your expertise. We..."

Fri, 17 May 2013 10:40:16 -0700

“I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but we’re paying you for your expertise. We shouldn’t have to pay for ideas we don’t want. We’re hoping you’ll send us a couple ideas every month, but don’t bill us for it, because we probably won’t use it.”

Client: I need a quote, just base it on xxxxx.com Me: Sorry, I need a spec to quote the...

Thu, 16 May 2013 13:20:45 -0700

Client: I need a quote, just base it on xxxxx.com

Me: Sorry, I need a spec to quote the work.

Client: It’s just like the other one.”

Me: Okay, so build a spec based on that and submit it.

Client: I need a price.

Me: I need a spec.

Client: Okay, you obviously don’t feel comfortable pricing it.

Me: Not without a spec, no.

Client: Oh, is that all?

"I am best friends with NASA and they looked at your code and said that it is junk code and that you..."

Thu, 16 May 2013 10:40:05 -0700

“I am best friends with NASA and they looked at your code and said that it is junk code and that you shouldn’t use frames.”

- Throughout the project, he did the same thing with Reuters, ABC, and Fox News. These were all his friends.

Also, there were no frames in the code.

One of my clients is a “fashion designer/interior decorator/restaurant owner” who, at...

Wed, 15 May 2013 13:20:23 -0700

One of my clients is a “fashion designer/interior decorator/restaurant owner” who, at first, wanted me to create a job description which would fit all of the above “in one word”.

After deciding that it simply couldn’t be done, we proceed to the real work. While making the website visual prototype…

Client: I have a simple but groundbreaking idea. I don’t know how nobody has thought of it until now.

Me: Awesome! What you need?

Client: I can’t tell you. Just make half of the site area a rectangular blank space. I’ll fill it later.

Me: I strongly suggest we work together on this.

Client: If I tell you, you will steal my idea.

Me: But what do you want me to do then?

Client: It’s very simple. I need you to teach me your work. When I’m done, I’ll publish it myself.

Me: That’s not going to happen.

After hours spent explaining that any original ideas provided by the client are bound to confidentiality via our contract…

Client: Ok, I’ll tell you, but I need complete silence about it until it’s done, okay?

Me: Sure.

Client: It’s very simple. I need my clients to able to see how they are going to be on the dresses I make, online.

Me: Well, I’m afraid it has be done before, but that just means it’s easier for us. I can do a sketch model appear online so that the client can imagine themselves in your dresses.

Client: No, I want them to literally see themselves.

Me: A user can upload a headshot, but it probably won’t look that great in the end.

Client: NO NO NO. I told you. It’s very simple. You just have to program part of the monitor to be a mirror.

"I aint’ paying that, I can get Pakis to do it."

Wed, 15 May 2013 10:40:44 -0700

“I aint’ paying that, I can get Pakis to do it.”

I was asked to do a “very simple” and “very small” project for a roofing...

Tue, 14 May 2013 13:20:48 -0700

I was asked to do a “very simple” and “very small” project for a roofing company - they needed a presentation folder. The project was given to me on a Wednesday evening at around 7 PM. I was told to have it done by Thursday afternoon.

I received a call at around midnight on Wednesday

Client: Where’s the project? We’re running late.

Me: It’s not even Thursday yet.

Client: I just got to China, and it’s already Thursday here. Noon, to be more exact. Which makes you late.

Flustered, I stayed up until 4a to complete it using the criteria they gave: follow the website aesthetic, use the following elements, use the logo from the website (which I had to redraw due to its small size), use the corporate colours, etc.

I then get a call from the client’s mother-in-law, explaining (on behalf of her son), that they don’t like the colour choices, the elements I used, etc. She less-than-politely told me to start over.

Me: I’m afraid we’re already well outside what we agreed on as per our contract, and I would have to charge additional time if you want any more changes.

Client: You’re greedy and a cheat. I want our deposit back.

Me: I’m sorry, but you’ve already breached our contract several times and I’ve been polite enough to ignore the penalties that come with doing so.

Client: I’m in China, there’s nothing you can do.

"Can we change the print layout of the web page? We feel that, if someone printed it in landscape, it..."

Tue, 14 May 2013 10:41:00 -0700

“Can we change the print layout of the web page? We feel that, if someone printed it in landscape, it would look better this way.”

Did a logo design for a client, and after it was approved, he asked for some letterhead concepts. I...

Mon, 13 May 2013 13:20:07 -0700

Did a logo design for a client, and after it was approved, he asked for some letterhead concepts. I emailed him a few with Greek text for the address and phone.

Client: Where are we on the letterhead?

Me: I sent you the concepts, but I need an address and phone number to get the final drafts done. Did you sign a lease for that stuff yet?

Client: Still deciding, but I want to get the letterhead printed. Oh, and envelopes too!

Me: And what address goes on the envelope?

Client: I haven’t signed the lease yet! Why do you keep harping on it?

Rules for Freelancers

Mon, 13 May 2013 10:40:12 -0700

Rules for Freelancers